32 yr old Boomerang stepson

17 years ago

Of the 6 yrs that my husband and I have been together, his son has lived with us a total of 3-1/2 yrs, and this last time is over two years. The son is 32, hasn't kept a job in over 2 yrs,(sells cars) dreams of being a millionaire investing in real estate with no down(working on a deal now)....My husband bought him a new truck 3 yrs ago, in which the son did not even bother to pay the registration fee let alone ONE payment! My husband enables him by letting him use his truck, all night long and gives him his ATM..The son does not drink or do drugs or gamble...Actually the son doesn't do ANYTHING....His room is piled with 3 ft. high dirty clothes, receipts, change, etc.!!! This time I'm threatening to leave! suggestions, please?????

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Comments (7)

sweeby
17 years ago
"This time I'm threatening to leave! suggestions, please?????"

Don't make any threats you aren't prepared to carry through on or you'll lose all credibility and end up issuing all sorts of disregarded threats and ultimatums for however long it takes until you explode.

If you're that fed up -- DO LEAVE.
If you think you'll want to come back, leave the door open for yourself -- But leave.

And don't come back until things have changed.
ashley1979
17 years ago
Oh........this guy needs to make like a bird and get the flock out! He's 32!!!!!!!!!! It's not like he's 22. If you are ready to leave, then leave. Have a talk with DH and tell him how you see it. Offer counseling, but don't let that stop you from leaving. DH is not taking you into consideration at all by enabling his son. He is disrespecting your contributions to the home by allowing his GROWN MAN of a son disrespect your home.
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I know how hard this is for you. Not so much directly, but I was a divorce paralegal for several years and then my brother went through an ongoing battle with this second exwife for several years. It's never easy. You have to try and remember why you married your husband in the first place. This is not about your relationship with him. This is about an angry woman who is trying to relieve her anger and unhappiness by inflicting wounds on the ones she believes caused her pain. You and your husband have to try and be a united front and be there to support each other. Every horrible thing this woman does has nothing to do with the relationship you have with your husband. If the two of you can be strong and really together when it comes to her, it will be easier on you. It sounds like you are doing a lot of this alone and that is very hard, if not next to impossible. We all need help, sympathy and encouragement - especially from our loved ones. Your children are an excellant reason for you to be happy. It sounds like you have done an amazing job with all of them because they are all flourishing. So your hard work and efforts were not in vain at all! You just need someone to lean on and get through this with, and be reminded how great you really are! I would pray that this other woman finds someone to love her also. As awful as she may be, she is likely acting out because she has no one to love her. When we are hurt and angry and alone, we do really terrible things, not only to ourselves but to others also. The attorney I used to work for always said this same cliche over and over: "Pick Your Battles and Win the War." It really fits though. If changing the schedule ever so slightly to accomodate her would make her go away, or if you can word it so that you agree to make a couple of changes (without a lawyer, but in writing and filed with the court), she has to agree to leave the schedule alone for a while so everyone can adjust (and that would also be in writing). I know you think she'll take advantage of this. And maybe she will. But, if you can get her off your back with your sanity and love for you husband and children, then having to be the stronger one all the time just may have to be the way it is for now. You will be rewarded though! God sees all of this and will work things for the good of everyone. Keep your chin up! And ask for help from all of your friends and loved ones. Even if it's a night out to vent over food and drinks, then do it! It will all turn out okay.
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athlete2010
17 years ago
This is obviously a bad time to be investing in real estate with no money down unless he gets a foreclosure.
Even then, he could still end up losing money on the investment. With his job situation, I'm surprised that he would even qualify for a loan by himself with all the new restrictions. Is your husband helping him here too?

I agree with Ashley about your husband. Long ago he decided to be his son's friend instead of a father who expects much more from his adult child. It's unfortunate that you and your marriage are now paying the price.

The son is not only disrespecting you, he's also disrespecting his dad. A counselor needs to convince your husband of this and then you all can come up with a plan to address it.
barbiegirl
Original Author
17 years ago
My husband, an engineer,quit his job for 7 months to venture with his son. That didn't work and the money ran out (along with all the credit cards) so he went back to work. I returned from work today to find that his son has taken off with dad's truck, again. As of yesterday he was only going to spend the night, but it looks to me like it's back to the same stuff...son moving back in! I've been home 5 minutes and already picked up at least a half a pound of change laying on the patio table from the son.(what a switch, usually it's on the floor)
doodleboo
17 years ago
Barbie-

I am with Sweeby. Everything she said I agree with. This man needs to get his own life. Is he making ANY steps towards getting out or is he settling in and making himself right at home?

You need to give a time frame and say if sonny bot isn't out before _____ day I'm gone and then stick to your guns and leave whrn the day rolls around and he's still a premanent fixture on your living room couch.

Leech adult children are a pet peeve of mine and they ruin ALOT of marriages...not just in step situations either.
doodleboo
17 years ago
Alot of typo's in that last one. I can spell pretty well (i'm not perfect) but when I get into a big hurry when typing I tend to make alot of boo-boo's.
athlete2010
17 years ago
Hi Barbie,

Please post again and give us an update. As a dad, the way I would approach it is that the son has to be completely out by a certain date - period. I wouldn't give it more than 60 days.

You don't have to force an either he goes or I do ultimatum. If you don't really want to leave your husband, then this is not the best option.

After you tell your husband that the son has to be gone by a certain date, see what happens. If it's not to your satisfaction, then you can still leave if that is the best option for you.

Your stepson is 32, but he is running around like an irresponsible 16 year old on summer break - borrowing dad's truck, using his ATM, and leaving his room a complete disaster. You shouldn't pick up after him at all, and you should tell him to clean up his own mess.

Adult children who are parasites on their parents are a pet peeve of mine too.

Athlete

32 yr old Boomerang stepson

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32 yr old Boomerang stepson

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sweeby

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