Have the cylinders changed;
don't know if that's exactly the right phrase, but a locksmith will understand; it's cheaper than changing locks, knobs, etc.

Hubs can tell his son that the locks were changed because he's lost track of how many people had keys to the old ones.

Both my brother and I (both adults) have keys from our parents house. It is mainly for emergency or feed their cats when they are gone. But we are also welcome to come there anytime we need even if they are not there, eat, sleep etc. We never do, we have our own families, but we know we can if we need or want. Now of course we make no mess and don't hate anyone.

If your children or stepchildren are hateful and disrespectful then yes they should only be allowed there when parents are home. Especially if he brings his girlfriend there and they drink. Not a good idea to have them there. In fact if he raised his hand on you, I would not want him there in father's absence at all. Change the lock.

My X's GF got fed up with my DDs normal teenage issues. So he compromised. He took DDs key back, but will give DD house when she is 25. I dont know for certain, but my guess is GF is fuming.

I don't see that you are wrong in any way possible. Apparently these people don't have the respect for your home that they should. I personally don't have keys to my mom and dad (who live an hour away) but do have keys to the in-laws as we watch there pet's when they are gone occasionally on the weekends. But I would never ever disrespect there personal property like that.

sylviatexas gave good advice - change the cylinders. Your SS then doesn't have access to your house. If he says something about getting a new key, DH can just tell him you all aren't giving out keys. Sorry.

My 20 yo SS, who is away at college, has a house key. Even though he has his own apartment, this is still "home." He does have the courtesy, however, to call us and let us know when he's coming home. (This way, I can get my laundry out of the washer and dryer before he gets here, LOL!)

After our 17 yo SS told us he doesn't like me, my rules, etc., and went to live with his mom, we didn't have to take his housekey away, as he had already lost his (multiple times). We did start locking the doors.

It depends on the kid. In your case, definitely prevent access to your home in your and DH's absence.

Cylinders are very easy to change, did my own. No one has keys to our home, never have and never will.

Keys to the house are for those you can trust. If they abuse it, in whatever way, the keys disappear.

My niece has a key to my house. She's never used it. But she has it in case of emergency. I trust her. On the other hand, I would never give her brother (my nephew) a key to my house. I love him, but I don't trust him.

I wouldn't make an issue of the key. Just have the locksmith rekey or change the cylinder. He'll discover it in due time. When he questions Dad about it, don't respond in anger, just a matter-of-fact, "We decided to control the number of keys available to the house."

Case closed.

You're not being unreasonable.

That is what my X said re keys, and my DD resents it. Kids arent stupid, her answer was OK, so where's my key.

You may or not be unreasonable, but I know from experience DD resents it. At this point, she will not visit dad in his house. She goes over to his pool and she has dinner out with him.

She didn't take "swipe" at her stepmother.

That in and of itself is reason enough.

Courtreporter, you do not need to explain what you do at YOUR home. Re-key it.

"My X's GF got fed up with my DDs normal teenage issues. So he compromised. He took DDs key back, but will give DD house when she is 25. I dont know for certain, but my guess is GF is fuming."

I think that's a great compromise. GF keeps her privacy, and DD gets a house. And like you said, DD doesn't want to set foot in their home, anyway.

Question: KK, does either you or ex- live in the home that she grew up in?

In our case, we have given out keys, but turn on the burglar alarm when we are gone. That way, SKs have keys they can use while visiting, but are not able to enter the house when we are not there. They both have nice apartments that are paid for.

It's not part of a compromise, but my SK's trust fund is going to buy houses for them when they are 25. I am
glad for them, because they don't have studen loans to repay, and they won't have to worry about the headaches of getting started in life, such buying a car, or finding a place to live.

I only wish they had more appreciation for their opportunities.

This is a very good question. DH and I have different views on this. As of right now SCs do not have keys, but, do know where key is hid outside because DH told them. I am not comfortable with this because over the years the SCs have taken things out of our previous house. Many of the things they have taken (stolen) were personal things of mine. If they had asked I more than likely would have given them those items, but, of course they took things when we were not around. In turn, I have a problem with them in our home. They have also gone through our personal financial records, which, I feel is non of their business. If we want to share it with them we will.

When we lived in our other house and were not home the SCs brought their mother over to look around to enjoy our family room entertainment center. I know this because neighbors told us that they saw her come, stay a few hours and then leave. The neighbors could see our large screen TV was on during that time.

DH does not want to believe his kids take things even when he truely knows it. But it is hard to realize your own flesh and blood our thieves and liars. When we ask them about things that our missing they lie. They say they did not take them even when they our the only ones that used the items and were the only ones around. It just blows me away.

Just recently, last weekend when DH was out of town, the adult kids were trying to find out if I was home. They never call me, but, called several times (on caller ID) throughout the day and evening. You see they were traveling our way with their mother. I just know they wanted to show mom the house. The house were in now if new and bio mom has never seen it. I get so tired of this. I can totally relate to how you feel.

So YES change the locks. I know my DH would be mad if I did so. He thinks his adult kids should come and go as they please. DH is blind to his adult kids manipulating, dishonest ways, that way only bio parents are blind to it. All other people can see right through my SC.

My step-kids once gave their mother a tour of our house,
and once even gave one of our neighbors a tour of our house when we were out of town.

That's what led to the burglar alarm thing.

Good thinking southernsummer about the burglar alarm thing. However, we can't afford this at the present time plus DH would not go for it. He would think a burglar alarm system in our neighborhood is not necessary.

It is nice to know others have these same problems. At least I am not alone. I think giving out keys to people for your home all depends on the people/person. If they have demonstrated they can be trusted I would give them keys to my home.

Why not simply ask for the key back rather than go to the expense of changing the cylinders?

Ask your husband to say something along the lines of "Now that you've got your own place, you won't be needing the key to ours anymore" and hold out his hand. (Of course, he'd want to say it at a time when DS has the key in his posession, or else he could always say he didn't have it with him... If DS balks, then of course, change the cylinders. Simply changing them implies that you were afraid to ask for them back.

Tour? Sounds familiar. My bf's grown daughter brings their mom to his house when he is not there and takes her around to demonstrate what new stuff he bought or what new furniture he has, demonstration also includes going to his bedroom not just a living room. And it is possible that opening of drawers and closets occurs.

When older daughter, who lives out of state, comes to visit she also brings mom over to dad's house when he is at work and shows her around.

Although we maintain separate residences there is a lot of my stuff in his place. I am an artist so there are my paintings on the wall, there is my clothes in his bedroom, my books, my photos etc

He is extremelly uncomfortable and unhappy with grown daughters bringing their mom there, but does not know how to address it. Not like I care and it is not my business since I don't live there, but I find it is ridicilous. If they give tours to mom who else do they bring for tours?

The reason to change the locks or cylinders and not just ask for the key back, is to ensure that there aren't extra copies out there somewhere.

Southern,

My DD grew up in that house. I was gracious or scared of being poor when X told me marriage was over so I moved out. He travels a lot, so there was no question of him even asking for custody. GF moved in and did things like change the answer machine message (which was, in his voice

kkny did you ever think maybe the answering machine message was "accidently erased" by your X or new GF? However, if she is living there and your X is ok with the message then why should you care? If you don't want to hear the answering machine hang up before it comes on or call DD on her cell phone. If she doesn't have one get her a cell phone so you only have to call her cell phone to talk with DD. DD is old enough to contact daddy on her own.

Why can't you let go of the past and the GF? Try to start enjoying your own life. Wonderful things may happen for you and DD if you do. Just a suggestion. Peace.

I love all the feedback and ideas.

Last year he had to throw his daughter out and we changed the locks out after she left. To our dismay the stepson was letting her come in the house while we were not here even after repeated requests not to. Stepson's response was, well, uh, she just showed up as I was opening door. You guys throw her out.

Last year when we were on vacation, the stepson also let their mother and grandmother into our house. The ex actually had the nerve to remove items! Ex called her and told her don't ever do it again!

I love the idea about changing the alarm. My husband feels awful having to treat his son like this now, too, asking for the keys back. He said he's going to ask his son his true intention on whether he left the household because of me and him or just because he wants to go out and grow up. Depending on the answer, he'll ask for the key back. (Which I don't get.) If the response is he left because of me and him, he's asking for the key back. If he left because he wants to grow up, etcetera, he can keep the key! I don't quite get the logic behind all this except that my husband is till in a state of disbelief. He keeps saying he can't believe he brought these two horrible children into the world. In my eyes, it's not hard to believe when we live with this daily crap these kids give out.

This is a great forum to check ourselves and our barometers. I think we get so involved in our dilemmsas, it's hard to see straight. I appreciate all of your comemnts and feedback.

Courtreporter, I say change the locks or cylinder. Avoid having the arguement between DH and SS. SS will just blame you anyway, and that will run through the family as well. If the locks/cylinder is changed, DH doesn't have to lie to SS, but just say it needed to be changed. Case closed.

When SS asks for a key, the answer can just be, "No, we aren;t giving out new keys to anyone." Case closed.

Best of luck!

Sunny,

I dont think an ANSWER message has ever been accidently erased on the machine, only incoming calls.

GF changed this message when she moved into the house (which X could not have bought without me) when I was still legally married to X. I think that says more about her than it does about me.

And yes, since GF did change the message neither me (in the rare times I call him, which have now ceased) or DD will call the house. DD calls dads cell (yes she has her own cell).

I think X now realizes what the GF has brought upon him.

He apparently has no plans to remarry or put property in joint name with GF. That he now doesnt want to give away propety to GF (who BTW contributes nada to household expenses, per X) is somewhat reassuring to me. I dont need it for me, but I want DD taken care of (Now I am expecting flames that adult children are entitled to nada --- money should go to non working GF)

DD doesnt want me to date until she is in college so I wont. I am really the only parent she has left, and is tough by myself, but that is life. If any of the guys who are asking me around disappear by them, that's life.

kkny, Well my SS said he accidently erased the voice message on our machine. So is he telling the truth or did he lie? I guess there are two sides to every story. Also, unique situation in all families.

And it happened that it had to be her voice to replace??? Please spare me. The answer message only gets erased when someone is trying to change it. So if GF's voice is the new message, she was trying to change it.

Someone on this board, another thread, gave advice to SM, that you have to pee on your own ground.

I would say if SMs (or GFs) get too agressive with the peeing, it may come back to haunt you.

KK,
What does it matter about the voice?
Why are you brooding about this?
What do you care?
It's called a break-up, because it's broken.

So your daughter doesn't want you to date until she is grown. You don't have to marry until she's gone, but I think that asking you not to date is a really unreasonable request. Is she going to not date until she's out of the house? Is she not going to date until you die?

Why be such a martyr about it? Why can't you move on?

My husband's ex turned down a marriage proposal because SD said she didn't want ex- to remarry until she was out of the house. Now SD is out of the house, and ex- is old, saggy, grey dyed fake red, and alone, and still has the same financial problems that she had 8 years ago.

What does that accomplish? SD is not going to move her handsome young fiance in with Momma. SD's moving to another state. Now Momma is in her mid 50's, and the field has narrowed.

Is it really that you just can't force yourself to move on,
and you can't stand the idea of not playing the victim?

Listen, your ex- didn't marry GF and didn't put property in her name because she is a play-thing. She is not permanent.
No amount of playing house and recording an answering machine message is going to change that. She just happened to be convenient. It could have just as easily been someone else. There's nothing wonderful about her. She is not better than you. She is just available and willing to put out without a commitment.

Of course your ex has regrets. But that's his problem.
Allow yourself to cry for 20 more minutes, but more than that it will cause your eyes to be puffy and spoil your mascara. MOVE the h^*&^ on. Life is too short.

Southern,

I am not "brooding" about house issues, but discussing in the context of house privileges. And yes, thank you for reminding me, I will look older 3 years from now. But DD comes first. I am not looking for a man to solve any financial issues (which I donÂt have, but unlike Xs GF, would look to solve on my own, not to look to a man).

And yes, it is tough to move on after 28 years of a marriage.

I donÂt consider myself a martyr, only a mom.

And when DD successfully launches (which I define in a number of items, college degree, professional degree, job, etc, not just marriage), I will be so happy. Yes I will get by by myself. Unlike GF, I have graduate degree and career. Today I am working at home, so I can take off on Monday.

"ex- is old, saggy, grey dyed fake red, and alone, and still has the same financial problems that she had 8 years ago."

And if she had married, she would be the same age she is now, would probably look the same, and might have far worse financial problems. Plus she quite possibly would have all the regrets so many people here who remarried have.

How young are you that you consider mid-50's "old?" Thank you for informing me that I am old - I had thought that I was merely middle-aged. I'm sure my exH and his current wife would be happy to hear that they have reached that milestone as well.

Often women do not bring new men into their lives while they have children at home, & at least one man has told me he won't go out with a woman who has children at home;
the situation is just too potentially volatile.

It's a very individual, personal decision, one that doesn't hurt or even affect anyone else, as far as I can tell.

& tos is right:
if we're gonna be old, ugly, & fake red in 3 years single,
we'll be old, ugly, & fake red in 3 years married, engaged, or madly in love.

kkny and TOS, I believe what many of us are trying to say to you is that there is a time to move on, to make yourself happy, to stop worrying about what your X and his significant other is/are doing. It does not really hurt you that her voice is on their, try to say who cares. Start living for you and your DD, and others you love. You deserve the best. Hate breeds just that, hate. Your X is just that your, "X". You have no control over what he does or what his GF does. However, you have control over yourself and how you react to them. Let it go and make your life happy. Happy people bring positive things their way. Negative (hate, hurtful thoughts, etc.) people bring negative things their way.

Choose not to date other men, that is your choice, but then try to find other productive positive things to fill your life with and stop worrying if the GF changed the answering machine. She does live there not you. It was a choice you made at that time, so except it and live with it. MOVE ON, you deserve the best, you deserve happiness. May you find peace and happiness.

Thank you for the advice. I have a demanding and rewarding career, and am active in civic and charitable organizations. That takes up a lot of tiem.

But if moving on means letting Xs GF or a future SM get any thing that should go to my DD, that just is not going to happen.

My husband owns an insurance company, and
here is the actuarial table for women.
I didn't make this stuff up.
Separated or divorced woman should subtract four years;widows, subtract three and a half.

AGE NOW LIFE EXPECTANCY
20 74.1
21 74.1
22 74.2
23 74.3
24 74.3
25 74.5
26 74.5
27 74.6
28 74.6
29 74.7
30 74.8
31 74.8
32 74.9
33 75
34 75
35 75.1
36 75.1
37 75.2
38 75.4
39 75.4
40 75.5
41 75.6
42 75.7
43 75.8
44 75.9
45 76
46 76.2
47 76.3
48 76.5
49 76.6
50 76.8
51 77
52 77.2
53 77.4
54 77.7
55 77.9
56 78.1
57 78.4
58 78.5
59 79
60 79.3
61 79.3
62 80
63 80.3
64 80.7
65 81.1
66 81.4
67 81.9
68 82.3
69 82.7
70 83.2

Not too worried, my mom is in her late 80s, widowed for a long time, her sister, divorced, in her mid 80s, grandma, widow lived to her 90s

I dont tables, but I wonder how much is related to income -- which is related to longeitive.

cheers.

kkny, moving on means who cares whose voice is on the answering machine.

And I did just want to comment on something you said. Please don't take it as criticism. You mentioned that DD does not have a key to her father's house. Is it possible that because DD does not like nor respect GF, she is not welcome to have key to home in which GF lives? Just a thought.

Middle aged means that half of your life is behind you and half is in front of you.

If you are in your mid fifties, you might be middle age if you are going to live to be 110.

But back to topic: DH's ex- was dating a man who was heir to a large multi-state retail company. She is a school teacher. He was a really nice man and she seemed happy with him. He wanted to be married. He was divorced but had no children.

The rest is history.

SD insisted that Momma not marry, and Momma complied.

You are right that things might not have worked out, but
what if they had?

And granted, I gripe about the way things are, but my biggest problem is that my step-kids are spoiled.
And that's not the end of the world.

I doubt DD will ever respect a person who slept with her father when he was married to her mother (OK, which happens to me). So the compromise, as discussed above, was no key, and house goes to DD when she is 25. Others have commented that would be fair.

I'm sorry, I wasn't clear. I should have said, "... DD does not like nor TREAT with respect GF ..."

And you're right. If DD doesn't have key (which I don't think she needs anyway, since she doesn't spend any time there), but gets the house when she's 25, and she and her dad are happy, then all is good.

I doubt she treats GF with respect. This is a woman who did not treat her parents marriage with respect. On top of all problems with stepchildren, I would strongly advise anyone not to get involved until after divorce. I dont know how long after, but not before.

She is happy, dont really know about her dad, I think he is slowly coming to realize what he gave up.

Oh, I'm sure he regrets his decision.
And I can't believe that any of his friends take his
GF seriously.

It's just entertainment.

According to Merriam-Webster (www.m-w.com) the definition of middle age is:
"the period of life from about 45 to about 64."

I just found it humorous that you would describe someone in her mid-50's as old. I stopped thinking of 50's as old a couple of decades ago.

Perhaps the definition of moving on is when you are no longer concerned with how your H's ex is living her life.

"Perhaps the definition of moving on is when you are no longer concerned with how your H's ex is living her life."

TOS, was that barb pointed at me? Point well taken. But to be fair to me, I'm only concerned about the stuff that affects our sons' lives.

Anyway, I am 44 today. (Happy Birthday to me!) I remember a family wedding when I was about 22, and my mom was my age, and I recall thinking she was old. Really old. And that her dress was really matronly.

I'm off to celebrate my birthday with my family, which, incidentally, my 20 yo SS drove 2 hours from college to come home for. What a nice surprise! (Good thing he still has his housekey! LOL!)

Am I reading that table right?

A 20 year old woman's life expectancy is only 74.1, but a 70 year-old woman's life expectancy is 83.2?

tamar,

No, actually it was directed at southernsummer, who has criticized her H's exW more than once for not remarrying. Then again, perhaps southernsummer's husband is paying alimony...

TOS,

Okay, honey, you're not old, you're middle aged.
I never said you were old, I said DH's ex is old.
Maybe you are 55 and look 35. Ex is 55 and looks 70.
No, DH doesn't pay alimony. His divorce settlement and
child support for 20 years should have been enough to
support her for life, if she had invested the settlement,
but it didn't work out that way. She has had a tough time managing her money. Now you can jump all over that, but
that's just the way it is.

Sylvia, if you make it to 70, you have survived some of
the things that kill 20 year olds. i.e., you won't die in childbirth, you are less likely to be killed by domestic violence, you are less likely to be killed in a car accident, etc.

thanks!

I was annoyed with my SD 15 leaving messes around house etc. So DH took her key back. I am thrilled. Let her stay at BMs forever as far as I am concerned.