Olive, have you considered moving closer to his kids? That would certainly be the easiest solution so far as the custody arrangements are concerned.

His children need their father in their lives on a consistent basis. But the current arrangement does not seem to be workable long-term. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to not be able to handle a 16 y.o. autistic and MR child in your home, if he isn't completely potty trained and can be physically hard to handle, IF his dad isn't around at all times to keep him on the right track. Is he very attached to his father? Does he rely on his father as part of his routine? If so, I don't see a way to make this easier other than moving closer.

If, on the other hand, it wouldn't really negatively impact the boy to have visits once per month instead of twice, and you could have the girl come to your house once per month, that might be a good solution. Then your dh is only making the trip once a month instead of twice? There is still the problem of where to stay, and that would have to be worked out.

What I don't really understand is why you can't go with your husband more. If your husband is with you, and you are in someone else's house, is it really that difficult to be around his son? It would be a huge show of support if you could manage it.

As for holidays, I agree, they should be split as far as his kids are concerned. But on those holidays when he has his kids, can't you accommodate them at your house and include them in your routine? And I do think it's unreasonable to expect him to spend the bigger holidays (Christmas and Easter) alone with you and the baby, and relegate the smaller holidays to his other kids. Remember, this is their dad too, and they have just as much right to spend Easter and/or Christmas with him as your new baby.

All in all, this sounds like a very difficult situation. I'm guessing your DH is feeling a lot of guilt for moving away from his children. He is trying to do the right thing, but perhaps he is overcompensating by spending all of the holidays with them.

Have you talked about going for counseling?

It's commendable that he's maintaining the relationship with his other children, but it's time he started to take notice that he is about to have a third one that is going to need attention too.

Tell him this: "I am worried sick that you will not be here to take me to the hospital and I will spend a very important moment in my life, giving birth to OUR child, without you."

I agree very much with lazygardens. It's time for your fiance to realize that he is about to have another child and that he needs to help and be with you more than his kids.

Thanks for the advice so far- it is very helpful. Paigect, we had considered moving closer to his kids a year ago, but it is not an option right now because of our jobs. There are also issues with his ex harrassing him (obscene phone calls and the like) and it seems that the stress level for my fiance is lower with him living away from her.

I am not clear as to how much the autistic child depends on his father as part of his routine. When he was in my house, the child was very stressed and wanted to leave the whole weekend to go home, although we did everything possible to keep him occupied. Because of this, I believe it is just too disruptive to him to be traveled. He also acted the same way in his grandparents' house for the first few months until he adjusted to the routine there. But, because of the severity of his condition, I do not know if he would even notice the difference between monthly and twice-monthly visits. I don't want to make that assumption having never been exposed to a developmentally disabled child, but it seems to me that an infant would notice her dad gone more than he will. When he was here, his father did most of the caretaking, but because the autistic child needs so much supervision, I ended up taking care of the girl the whole time and cooking all meals for the family, etc. which was hard because I had been working all week and had no down time(my job demands a lot of me during the week).

It is true that I have not been as active as I should be with going with my fiance to visit his kids at his parents'. This has been largely due to my pregnancy, but I do agree that after the baby is born I could, and plan to, take a more active role in going up there with him and spending time with the kids. The baby's grandparents will want to see her, regardless, and it is important to me that we are providing them with that opportunity. My fiance is trying to make alternate arrangments with his brother to bring the kids to the brother's house once a month to alleviate the stress on his ill mother. I hope his brother will accomodate this.

I feel that it is not only exhausting to the grandma and to me to have him driving so far every weekend, but to my fiance to make this trip twice a month. Once a month would be more managable, and there is no reason why a 13 year old could not take the train here alone (after a practice run with dad).

I also agree that he feels a great deal of guilt for the situation his children are in due to having divorced parents and probably overcompensating.

Compounding it, is his ex wife not handling the situation very well. She has been living with someone else for longer than we have been together, but seems to be very jealous that her ex is doing fine without her and about to start a family with someone new. I have never met or talked to her and prefer to keep it that way, and my fiance tries to keep a business-type relationship with her. However, she has been feeding information to the daughter that her father will not want to see her and the son anymore once the baby is born, and this has created jealously between the daughter and the baby even though the baby is not born. I can only hope that the daughter will grow out of this or that the jealousy will be smaller once she meets her little sister. I do not know if it is normal behavior for a 13 year old to express such extreme jealousy toward a baby sister (she tells her dad that he is ruining her life by having this baby, that she was happy being the only girl, that she hates the baby). Otherwise, she is well behaved with me and I have enjoyed having her here the 2 times she came to visit. I have a wonderful relationship with my stepmother and hope that over time we will, too.

The ex wife is sure to be very unhappy if we try to reduce the amount of time he is picking up the autistic son, as she seems to want to go out to bars and party a great deal, and cannot find another babysitter. It seems strange to me that she never wants her kids on the holidays. What she thinks matters very little to me, but the fact that she drags the girl into it makes the situation harder. To me, it is not appropriate to say anything negative about the other parent in front of the child. I believe that my fiance has a certain level of fear that she will try to take the kids away from him (which is ridiculous, he is a wonderful father to those kids and she would have no grounds in court).

It is a complicated situation, and I just don't want to be selfish and whiny about it. I understand that there are real challenges associated with marrying a man is divorced with kids from a previous marriage, but I also believe very strongly that my baby deserves a normal life, and I don't want my only baby to miss out on time with her father. Again, I have no idea how much an infant needs her father but I expect that being away from home 2 weekends a month would interfere with their bonding. I can handle a great deal here on my own, and he does work very hard to contribute to this household while he is here, but to be gone so much seems excessive. All of this, I have discussed with my fiance, and he understands, but I can tell he feels a great deal of guilt and I don't want to make him abandon his children. Just the opposite. I just want to make sure I am not out of line for feeling this way because I don't want to make the situation even more unfair for all involved when there are 3 kids this affects.
Any more opinions on this, I would really enjoy hearing- and thanks again for the input.

olive, I don't think you are being selfish. I hope I didn't convey that. I just don't think you can expect a "normal" family given the restrictions you have posted - - SS with disabilities, kids so far away, etc. And I should add the caveat that I am not a stepparent, but I am the mother of a child who has a stepparent. So I sometimes try to give the other perspective.

There are no easy answers in this situation. From what you have said, it would be impossible for your SS to travel to your house on his own. Your DH's ex expects him to take his son 2 weekends per month, but I suspect (without further information) that your SS does not get any greater benefit from this than he would from seeing your DH once per month. Perhaps the only benefit is that it gives your DH's ex some respite time and allows her to feel more able to care for him on a full-time basis? But there are agencies you can go through to hire respite care, if that's the issue. You just might have to work through DH's guilt to get to that point. Counseling could be of great help here, if DH can find the time to go!

Regarding your SD, yes, it's typical for a 13 yo girl to be put out about the arrival of a new baby girl who she sees as stealing Daddy's time and affection. I think if you were to have a heart-to-heart with her, and tell her how much you respect her relationship with her father and that he will still love her as much as he loves the new baby, etc., she may ease into it. Also, 13 y.o. girls are notoriously bossy and nosy, so maybe give her a role to play in the baby's entry into the family - - "hey, SD, you're so good with colors - - which of these paint colors do you think would be best for baby's room?" You know her better than I, but stuff like that can go a long way with a girl. Expect her to be a bit of a b*tch about it (remember those 13 y.o. hormones and insecurity?), tell her kindly when her behavior is not acceptable, but give her lots of positive reinforcement when she's being good.

As for your baby, I'm guessing your DH works long hours during the week and will only really see the baby in the evenings? If so, you're correct that 2 weekends away will interfere with bonding time with the baby, which will become more important as the baby gets older (the first few months it's really all about mom). So you do need a better solution here.

Just wanted to pass along the results so far- very good feedback and input from all of you.
I wrote my fiance a letter explaining that now that we are expecting a baby, I really need him more often, and I am afraid he is overcompensating for guilt and fear of his ex wife by neglecting our own relationship. Also, with his mom sick with cancer, it is too much for her to have the kids every 2 weeks. I offered him a couple of alternatives (the one that he picked up on was going out of state only once per month, and having his girl here once per month). We are going to have him ride the train here with his daughter next weekend round trip, as a trial run to teach her to travel to our house. We are planning to praise her for being independent and mature enough to accept these changes when she is cooperative. I have offered for her to have her own room that we will paint to her liking at my house, and offered to help in her care when she is here. In return, my fiance is receptive to working out a reasonable holiday schedule that will rotate time between our home and both of our families, with visits to the autistic child held at his brother's or parent's house including me on a more frequent basis.

It looks like he will be able to bring the kids to his brother's house once per month rather than burden his sick mom. This is great news and should help her.

The main thing is, he has made it clear that his priorities are with me, and being here for our little family, and knowing this means a great deal. The last 4 weeks of my pregnancy, he will not be traveling. He says he respects my insight into his kids and values my opinions on raising them. It makes me want to work with him on parenting my stepchildren.

Thanks for your support and I will let you know how it goes!!! I think we are on the right track and I feel pretty good about the situation. All around, his daughter and parents are happy with it. We will surely meet with resistance from his ex, but hopefully she will see that cooperating is in her best interest- with the new baby and the sick mom, it is inevitable that the visitation just has to change.

Thanks a million!

Olive, I really admire the way you have handled this.

A tip for the 13 yo traveling alone - - consider getting her a cell phone for added security. It could even be one of those that you purchase the minutes in advance. While 13 is pretty mature, in this day and age it's a little scary going it alone. A cell phone could go a long way to assuaging everyone's fears. And if she gets lonely she can call home.

If you continue to treat her with love and respect, and make it clear she is also a priority for you, she will eventually feel much more secure and stop being so jealous of the idea of the new baby. Good luck!

One way to court the 13-yo is to have "lady's lunch out" and other woman-to-woman times. And let her see and hear you encourage your DH to spend dad-daughter time just with her.

Two major turning points in my relationship with the SO's daughter were:

1. My shoving them out the door for a dad-daughter ski weekend (and being sincere when I said I really wanted them to have some quality time without me underfoot)

2. A weekend in San Francisco where SO and I both said to her we'd do whatever she wanted to do for all of one day, because she had never been there. Her idea of a big day, as it turned out was Golden Gate Park, a whole lot of walking around and gawking at things, a cheap meal in Haight-Ashbury, and talking a mile a minute about everything.

olive, paigect and lazygardens, as an adult step-child and as a step-mom to adult children, I have got say that reading these posts has impressed me so much with your empathy, understanding and concern about the feelings and needs of everyone involved in blended families. I thought I could contribute something intelligent to this post, but nothing I could say, no advice nor anecdote can top the wisdom you have all shown in this thread. Whether your families (husbands, bio-children, step-children, or in-laws) realise it or not, they are lucky to have you! If only all broken families and blended families were made up of such reasonable, unselfish, understanding people. When I succumb to feeling peevish and petty (yes, it happens!), I will try to think, "What would those cool broads from the forum do?" Thanks, ladies!

And good luck, olive! Let us know when that baby arrives!