Engagement ordeal

18 years ago

What do you all think?

SO's 26-year-old DD made an announcement that she is getting engaged to a guy whom nobody met and nobody knows. For the last few years she talked about just casually dating him, then periodically she announces engagement. (?)

She went to BM's house and told mom. Her mom expressed opinion that if it is just so/so casual dating then DD shouldn't get engaged and if it is serious she ought to bring him to both parents, introduce him properly and he must show some respect by showing up finally! DD got into a fight and as always came home in tears and hysterical.

Now BM moved in with BF, SD (call her so for convenience) does not like BF and does not like that BM didn't ask her opinion about moving in (?) It is another source of huge drama.

Now I am tired of drama but I keep quiet. SO asked my opinion. I said that BM is right about engagement. If I would get engaged to someone nobody ever saw, my parents would be very upset. BM probably worries what her DD gets into.

As about BM's BF..Daughter lives in a different state, mom lives in her own house that she bought herself, mom is in her 50's. Mom can make her own decisions about who to live with. BM does not need to ask for permission or approval.

So I said what I think to my BF. He asked my opinion. His reaction: why are you always on BM's side never on mine or my DDs'? Well it is not true I dissaprove many things BM does, but here I think she is absolutelly right! And frankly I got upset and said that i am tired of constant drama, every time around holidays SO is sick and exausted serving and listening to drama. We ended up having big fight and cancelling New Year Eve plans.

Oh on top of everything his younger DD who planned to go to medical school just admitted that she lied about her GPA for two years and her GPA is real low and medical school is out of the picture. Now there is hysteria and crying and drama again. Now MY New Year sucks. I can't help but defend BM when i listen to all this. BM is tired of drama that daughters bring and want peace and quiet. I don't blame her. I don't know if I need to run away now before I get too entangled...

Now because of all this crap we cancelled NY reservation, but then we made up, but reservation is already cancelled so we are going to sit home and probably watch TV. How much fun..All because of DDs' and X.

So my question. If your DHs or SOs ask your opinion in regards to kids or Xs, do you say what you really think or pretend that SOs and kids are perfect and BMs are always wrong?

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Comments (5)

imamommy
18 years ago
If you are going to lie (or pretend), why bother? I would say that I'd rather keep my opinion to myself. If he asks for your opinion and then beats you up with it, why put yourself through that? My DH doesn't have to agree with me but if he asks me something, he knows he's going to get the truth from me. If he doesn't like the answer, he shouldn't ask. I mean, that's like asking "do these pants make my butt look big" and if they do, would you expect him to say no? That's just silly.
justnotmartha
18 years ago
I think the next time I was asked I would reply "I do have an opinion on this, but for fear that it won't meet with your approval and be what you want me to say, I'm going to keep it to myself." The point of asking for an opinion is to HEAR WHAT OTHER'S THINK. If you don't really want to know, don't ask. Ima's big butt example is right on. If you can't handle an answer other than your own, don't bother.

IMO, you and BM are dead on. I couldn't be excited about my SD announcing plans to marry someone we had never met and she had never voiced an *undying love* for. An in no way does mom need her grown and out of the house daughter's permission to live with someone. Cripes.
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mom2emall
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I have to agree with you. If my children (bio or step) came to my dh and I and said they were engaged, but we had never met the fiancee we would be VERY skeptical! Marriage should not be rushed into. If your dh is okay with this situation then I guess you will be saying "i told you so" in a few years, if that, when the marriage breaks up! As for the BM living with someone, she is a grown woman whose children are out of the house. She is allowed to live her life now!

As for voicing your opinion in the future, I would definately mention the fact that you do not want to be asked for advice and then condemed because of it!
finedreams
Original Author
18 years ago
Thanks for your replies. You ladies are right on.
More than often I find myself siding with BM on many issues and that's why I guess BF was rather dissapointed: "here you go again siding with my X". I don't particualrly like her but in regards to her children she is right on. I know that she has rather turmolous relationship with both girls especially older one, but more I look into it, more I understand why. The only reason BF is OK with them is because he never argues and always allows everything and BM does not. Both DDs' behavior sometimes shocks me beyond belief. Pardon for details but 19-year-old young lady should not be leaving her dirty underwear or similar items exposed around the house for her father to see. I bet you it is not allowed in BM's house.
newstepmom
18 years ago
When two people tell you that you are a horse, get some hay.

That is why SO complains that you are "siding" with BM. I doubt you called her to get her opinion. You simply reached the same conclusion independently.

I say, run for the hills. The family is really screwy.

Engagement ordeal

Comments (5)

imamommy

justnotmartha

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Engagement ordeal

Comments (5)

imamommy

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