if he's having trouble locating the items she requested, perhaps he should just give her his credit card so she can get them herself. He created the monster so you can't really blame her if he's always given in. You should be proud that you raised your child to be less demanding and more appreciative. I think it says a lot about what kind of guy he is.

My X spends virtually no time with DD. He wanted me to move out and take her. So it may be that all he has left to spend is money.

kkny, SO did not leave his X. X left when both daughters were already grown and the older lived already out of state and he does spend time and energy, actually SO is the only one who spends time with both daughters. He is devoted with time as well as money. His X has a different attitude (which considering how demanding are both daughters probably is the right attitude) that when kids are grown they don't need to be babied.

His X might be too much hands off kind of mom, but with these kind of kids I would not blame her! Both daughters stay with him when they are in town and usually see mom few times here and there. He admits that daughters would rather stay with him because mom does not put up with crap and there is no way she buys gifts like that. This year they finally stayed for Thanksgiving at mom and called him complaining every few hours.

Also the older one has bad relationship with mom and she moved out of the house early because of mom. Of course!!!Mom did not put up with crap, had rules and did not allow kids to manipulate her. Would you blame mom? Of course kids hang around daddy! No rules and expensive gifts!

Iammommy,
I absolutelly agree, he created these mosnters and now how can he blame them that they are this way?

Don't get me wrong he is a giving person with other people as well, he buys me gifts (although not 10 things!), buys something for my daughter etc But there is a huge difference! I never ask for anything and whatever I get I go out of my way appreciating and expressing my gratitude over it!

I have no problem that he buys expensive gifts if he can afford it, what bothers me how they dare to demand so much and so expensive and specific! And how he allows it! Like he is Santa Clauss. Plus he is a guy, why do they want him to go and look for robes and slippers and bedroom stuff?

, you are right, very spoiled not onyl with money, with everything. When they visit for holidays (and younger one comes home like a weekend each month from college) he cooks days and nights (he is a good cook), and cleans, he is so tired after their visits, that we always go on vacation when they are gone. LOL
We already plan to leave for a quick vacation
right away when they are gone after Christmas break because he knows he will be so exausted and won't get a minute rest before going back to work.

I can go on and on.... Monsters indeed. As much as he loves his daughters, every holiday visits costs him a lot of health. Besides buying all these gifts they drag him to malls and shop endlessly. They don't go by themselves and don't go with mom because they want his money. he knows it and admits it and yet does not say "no"!

Wow... That puts an interesting perspective on my life with my own dad... Your SDs would probably consider us a bunch of underprivileged paupers!!
For Christmas when I was 20, my dad gave me a ladybug rhinestone pin he bought at a truckstop...
I was a little disappointed because I had asked for a nonstick muffin tray and some dishtowels, but this gift was thoughtful (I love tacky brooches, and collect odd ladybugs) and it was what he could afford at the time, so I loved it anyhow and still have it...
(BTW, I bought myself the muffin tray and dishtowels at a Sears Boxing Day sale)

26 and 19 and they still give daddy an actual Christmas list? Good GOD, you have to be joking, right? I think I stopped that right about 18 when I moved out and realized that my parents didn't owe me anything. Each year my parents do something very nice for my DH and I - usually a weekend trip with babysitting or something for our house - but never in a MILLION years would I have given them a list at 26, or 19 for that matter. Daddy needs to tell them his last name is not Warbucks, and they can run along to the mall with their list and shop from it themselves. The greed and selfish sense of entitlement this shows is mind blowing.

In a way I know how you feel.

The SD we have had problems with wanted a PS2.She already had one,she just had to share it with her brother.Well,that wasnt good enough,she wanted one of her very own.
At the time,those things were ranging more then 200 dollars.So Dh thought it silly to get her that when they already had one.So instead he bought her a ton of games for it (each at 50 bucks a piece)
SD had such an attitude,she never even called to thank him for the gift.Then she didnt call him for almost a year,and when he called her she was real short with him.

At least your daughter can take pleasure in the simple joys of life without having to be overindulged.Money and expensive gifts do not equal happiness.It's a shame your SO is denying his adult children that valuable lesson.

Anyways...the holidays should be more about spending time with each other and less about the "I want I want" syndrome.

I hear what everyone is saying. Last year my 25 year-old SD announced she wanted a laptop. Instead we got her a $300 gift certificate to the mall she frequents. I thought that was a pretty nice and generous gift.

She recently informed us that the gift certificate is useless to her because she never goes to that mall so she hasn't used it. I posted about this previously.

This year she told us that she wants a digital camera (the one she wants is very expensive). Well, at least we are under the $1,000 mark on her wish list this year!

We aren't asking for lists anymore and will give what we can afford. It won't be $300 this year, and closer to $100 in cash. DH and I aren't even giving one another gifts because we aren't in a position to spend like we have in the past.

And I'm sure she won't like that either, but that is the way it is.

We take her on two vacations a year with us, and we pay all of her expenses for the vacations. She's 25 and works. We also have her over to our house frequently and I make meals for her and make her very comfortable here.

Why she thinks we should spend thousands of dollars on her each Christmas, I do not understand. She knows her Dad loves her - that's not the point. But our point is Christmas is about love and being together and it is not about the price of the gift you received.

What's wrong with a Christmas list? I still ask my sister for her Christmas list, and she is near retirement age. What does age have to do with it? All my kids and I exchange Christmas lists, so we know what each other wants. That doesn't mean they (or I) get everything on it. My kids would be hurt and insulted if I tried to give them money, and they aren't crazy about gift certificates either.

TOs, here is a difference. There is nothing wrong with lists, but the lists they provide are not suggested lists, those are things they want in full entity with no deviation. And they are upset (visibly upset) if he gets something different or less than what they ask. he is afraid to upset them. that's my point not the actual lists.

This year i asked my daughter to tell me what she needs this year, so i would not look for something unnecessary.

She told me that her cheap umbrella just broke after turning inside out every time it is windy and it is tough without umbrella in London and that her scarf is too thin, she probably needs something thicker because she gets sore throat a lot. I asked her what she wants for fun not a neccesity and maybe I will drag it out of her. She is her first year in college and works and is very frugal with money.

There is nothing wrong in asking for stuff, but 3 pages of demanded unnecessary specific designer's brand items is way over board. My daughter said she needs a scarf and umbrella, not Versacci scarf for $300 and Chanel umbrella for $ 200 LOL

"My kids would be hurt and insulted if I tried to give them money, and they aren't crazy about gift certificates either."

The reason this SD received a gift certificate and this year it will be money, is that we did ask for a list in previous years. We got her what she asked for, within reason.
She would open the gifts and act delighted with them but within a couple of days after Christmas, she'd call and ask me where we bought them, how much they cost and then she and her Mom would return everything. I always left the store tag on (with price removed) and it was obvious to see where they came from - they were in the store box.

She would then repeat the stories of how they had to fight the crowds at the mall to return our gifts and how irritated her Mom got. I've never heard anyone make such a big production out of returning gifts than she did.

Sure, you hit and miss once and a while when purchasing a gift, but it was from her list and most people will politely return it and not even mention it.

The gift of a gift certificate or money is not an insult as it makes absolutely no sense to continue to buy her things from her list only to have her return them for something else.

I would think this also makes things easier for SD and her mother. This way they do not have to fight the awful crowds at the stores after Christmas to return our gifts.

My DD is 16 and we've given up on cards, because she changes store preferences so much -- and some cards charge monthly fee if not used - so only a cash. I get her a few small things I see. We concentrate on spending quality with relatives.

I just cant believe how rude some of these kids/adults are.
I was raised to respect my elders,and I would NEVER,EVER tell someone I didnt like the gift they gave me! Or act ungreatful in anyway.

I dont see anything wrong with a list that has a FEW suggestions,but a huge list that things that are a MUST,you've got to be kidding me.Where did these kids come from,Buckingham palace?

KKNY, I totally agree. I thought Christmas was about the spirit of giving, not demanding. When my kids ask me each year what I want for Christmas I ask them "what would you like to get mommy?" I don't think Christmas is meant to be a time to score some things you want and can't afford/won't buy for yourself so you try to get them from some one else. For me part of the joy is finding that one thing that makes you think of DH/DS/SD/who ever. For my kids I will purchase a few things from their lists, add a few more I see I think they will enjoy and viola! I think teaching them that they can ask and receive is the wrong lesson. Each time they say something they want, I ask them what they have thought of to get daddy/brother/sister/grandma. I ask them if they would like to invite grandma and grandpa to go see lights with us, or bake some cookies for the neighbors. I do anything to take the focus off telling people what to buy them, as if ANYONE is required to buy them ANYTHING.

I hate that Christmas has been reduced to the exchange of a lists of wants.

I feel so much better after reading this! My SD-13 handed DH, myself, and her GM a $2,000+ list including a new ipod, digital camera, a laptop, and $200 high heeled snow boots (what's the point there???).

This was after we insisted on a list because we weren't giving her the money she said we should give her because she didn't want to have to pretend to like our gifts!

I'm very insulted. DH and I make good money, but we're not spending $2,000 per child.

When we told SD so, she said that her mother had told her we'd say that, and that we could afford it and didn't love her if we didn't spend it. She also said that BM said that her daddy would have bought it, but because I was there he wouldn't because he loves me more than her.

Is it any wonder SD is convinced I'm the biggest B-word that walked the Earth?

My SD8's list:
Drums, X box 360, Electric Guitar, dress, lots of candy, boardgames, skateboard, puppy, toys, piano, horse, stuffed animals, books, huge stocking, box of art supplies, color books, I want my mom and (BF) to have a huge house, dirt bike, raiders blanket, Quad that is black and Gray with Raiders on it, I wish I could have a (nintendo) DS that won't break, I want a laptop eyebook, video games, doll house, and the biggest stuffed animal.

She ran out of room on her paper so that's where she stopped.

Wow. I am totally speechless. Some of that makes sense, like the stuffed animals, and the boardgames and such, but wow. Mom and BF to have a huge house??? Goodness.

So kids are just generally greedy these days? I know that kids want stuff, but to actually EXPECT all of this stuff.... that's the scary thought. SD is convinced that she'll have to pretend to like her gifts. Not only is that insulting, but it hurts people's feelings. I'm just not sure what we can do about it.

okay, maybe I need to lighten up on my kids some... I was so sick of their attitudes and ungratefulness that I decided this year, as a family we would volunteer at a soup kitchen one weekend. But, their lists are no where near like that. My daughter asked for a barbie a little dollhouse and a real puppy. My other daughter asked for a pair of earings, a dress, barbie and bratz. My sons collectively asked for ipod nano, walkie talkies, transformers, signed autgraphs from all of the jaguars new footballs, and xbox360.

I mean their attitudes still stink but at least they arent being greedy.

And as to little miss sd 13... I would tell her very straight forward. You know darn well that isnt true and repeating it is even worse because it hurts my feelings. I love you and your father loves you and me being apart of your fathers life doesnt change that. She is 13, she knows the difference between right and wrong and if you tell her as such. I always tell my skids (kids) I would like to think that I have taught you to think for yourself and make your own decisions on things and I think you know the difference between right and wrong.

A couple of pricey items but not bad at all. Not greedy.

Those kind of resembles my DS's list. He wants a transformers voice changer, a guitar for guitar hero, spiderman stuff, a spiderman webslinger, a new bike, and a kitten. I don't think that's greedy.

When SD said that, DH told her that since she felt that way he was sure she wouldn't mind that we were taking what we'd already bought back and she wasn't getting anything else.

I don't know that SD does know the difference between right and wrong. BM was very forgiving and didn't tell her that some things were just wrong, like bad grades, or getting up in people's faces to scream, talking with her mouth full, or smacking her food. So we're basically trying to teach 5 year old manners and self control to a 13 year old who is trying to rebel against everything she is taught.

I am the evil step mother here.

The first year I was with DH, we had just gotten engaged. His daughter gave him the list and he bought everything on her list. I was dumbfounded by it, I let my kids write a list of things they want to give me "ideas", not a shopping list. Usually, I would get them a few that were on the list and a few that I wanted to get them.

Then, I found out that SD didn't just get everything on her list, she also got double because she got identical items at BM's house.

Then, last year (after we were married), DH and I talked about it (me being the evil step parent) told him that we can't afford to do that again this year. He said she's always gotten everything on her list. and I had to tell him that may be why she acts spoiled. When she moved in, she would get an attitude (at age 6-7) and talk back to him, wouldn't listen to me at all, do whatever she wanted, etc. I told her little girls that behave like that get lumps of coal. She ended up getting only a few things from her list and she was fine. She did come back from her mom's house to report on how upset her mom is that her half sister's dad only got her other daughter a box of crayons. Most of her toys haven't even been used since last year. We are obviously NOT giving her the stuff on her list.

The saddest part was her asking for her mom to get a bigger house. Her mom told her she was moving to a house where she would have her own room and it turned out to be a one bedroom house where none of the kids have a room. She was devastated by her mom moving and now her mom is telling her that she wants SD to live with her (getting her hopes up) but says her house doesn't have enough room (letting her down).

That is very sad. But on the bright side, at least she cares, and at least she still believes in miracles. Some kids her age don't and it's a shame that they've been robbed of that. (Sorry I'm an optimist.)

Not *that* evil. ha!

I've got one for the books. After SD saying that we should give her money, I suppose I was still a little angry and a little hurt. So, while wrapping gifts that I have already bought, I found boxes in my closet. Shoe boxes of varying sizes, boxes from moving in the garge, and others and stacked them. Smallest, small, medium, large, etc. 8 of them in all, stuffed newspaper between the boxes so they didn't rattle when shaken. And then I wrapped it and put a big bow on it, and it's under the tree.

What's in the boxes? A package of 6 lipglosses that I spent $20 on. :)

A sweater I spent a lot more on, is in a box the size of coffee mug. :)

Those are my evil moments for the week.

None of that seems evil to me,only sensible.
Unless people want their kids to turn out like spoiled celebrity kids who always get into trouble (Nicole Richie,Hulk hogan's son,Lindsay Lohan,I could go on and on..) Then it makes to not give in to their whim.

lol, I wrap gifts like that every year to my own kids. I love for them to be surprised so I will put the tiniest gift in several boxes and make it look big. I've even been known to add things to add weight. It's fun to tease them along as they go through box after box.

Years from now, they may forget the "things" they got but they will hopefully remember the laughter and fun of opening it. It's true that if you watch a baby (under 2) opening gifts, it really isn't what's inside the gift that they get excited about. It's usually the paper and the excitement of opening it. A lot of times, they will toss the box aside once the paper is off. Parents usually have to tell them to look in the box. That's always a joy to watch those little guys get so excited and it's sad that we train our kids to expect more. I think we all do it because we want to see them happy but they really need balance.

I've had years where we all make each other something. We bake, or do crafts and it's more about giving a part of ourselves. and I really like the idea of volunteering for the needy. When the kids were younger, I was a leader for my boys' cub scouts and we adopted families at Christmas. We would get them a tree, decorations, turkey dinner and toys for the kids. I hope it showed the kids how good it feels to give, which is what the holiday is all about anyways.

I agree it's more about the excitement of unwrapping.It has been my own exprience with DD that she ignores the more expensive gifts and plays with the cheaper ones (or even the boxes they came in,LOL) for hours.
It's the traditions that make it feel like a holiday.DD loves to bake with me also.

We have few different traditions, religions and cultures mixed in the family so we used to get very confused when to do gifts exchange, how to do it, who gets gifts when etc. We got so tired of it that we figured we all do it one night, Christmas night at one house and combine all holidays and gift exchange together. It seems to be easier this way.

I wish that's how my family was. Our family is so spread out that we can't do that. We have to schedule weeks in advance and MAYBE get everyone together at some point, but then have to go across the state to MIL & FIL's home.

We are a pretty small family and at least my side of the family lives in one state in one country. And although most of us practice different relgions, we can usually combine all holidays in one party.

But it is much harder with my daughter's situation. My side of the family is in one country, her dad's side of the family is in a second country, but she herself attends college in a third country.

Not only it is a lot of juggling for her and both sides of the family (and costly), but also holidays and dates don't match between the countries. And our religious holidays often do not match neither state's holidays. But she will be here this year for two weeks even if it does not match our holidays exactly!!! Who cares as long as people can be together. :) Can't wait!!!

Me either. I'm excited about this holiday. Despite SD having some issues it's going to be a great holiday. Her first ever with us, so DH and I are thrilled! We'll work it out and make it work. As parents and step-parents that's what we do every day anyways. :)

DSS 13 has let us know that the ONLY thing he wants this year is money. I am a little worried about that because he has always opened gifts in a frenzy, ripping them open as quickly as possible, throwing them aside and looking frantically for the next one. Then, when they're all open, he is disappointed and bored bored and ready to leave so that he can go "home" to BM's and her parents to open more gifts. We told him if we give him cash then he won't have very much to open, which he says is fine. He is saving to buy a guitar that costs $750. Based upon the other SK's lists here, I guess I should just be thankful that he didn't just ask us to buy him the darn thing for Christmas!

Yes, be very thankful.

He wants to save for a guitar, so personally if it were me, because he's got a goal in mind, I'd get him a nice gift and then give him some money also. This way you can say that you gave him a nice gift and helped him with his goal. If he doesn't spend the money on the guitar, well, you'll know better next year.

Maybe wanting the guitar is what SS needed to learn the value and appreciation of money?

just an update: yesterday we shopped for gifts and my SO mentioned that it probably is not worth to spend that much time buying gifts for his daughter (26) because his D returns everything anyways, gets something cheaper and keeps the money because she is very money greedy. When i asked why wouldn't he give her money instead of gifts, he says she makes Christmas lists and expects gifts. I see no logic in it!It is like a joke.

Oh and then both daughters expect excatly the same number of gifts for the same amount of money otherwise they get upset up to the point that younger one (19) cries that daddy loves her less. LOL it is a joke...I can't believe it..

OMG, that's so silly, but it's not funny. My older sister would do that. She would watch what everyone else got and compare it in her head. Later, she would call me and say, can you believe he only spent $xx on me and $xx on so and so. I didn't care about that. It didn't matter to me if I liked what I got, and I always did. I also NEVER gave anyone a list. I don't even remember writing letters to Santa. I think the only year I was disappointed was when my parent's were having financial problems and I got pencils & erasers in my stocking. No candy. I was about 9.

With my kids, I used to spend equal amounts on them but stopped that several years ago. It was silly. I get them things they are into and some are more expensive than others. It's not a contest and like I said, I've tried to put more emphasis on giving than receiving.

more like "shake your head with dismay" funny

That's totally ridiculous. Those girls need to grow up and your DH needs to take a stand to stop the madness!

At least you see the element of ridiculous in the situation and can have a laugh at how silly it is (and post here to vent!) rather than letting it get to you and cause a fight!

Our family: DH of 30 years (2nd marriage for both, BM died 12 yrs ago; we had become very friendly), 3 SD, 1 SS (w/severe cerebral palsy), 1 DD, 1 SGD, 1 adopted daughter (same age as SGD) usually ask (around Thanksgiving) for 'Wish Lists' where everyone puts a number of things we'd each 'like' to have. These get passed around and usually everyone got a few of the things each wished for and the expensive items get rotated each year between the kids. One year one girl got the digital camera, next year the boy got the big TV. It is understood that the big ticket wish item gets rotated... The children are all adults, 40s, 30s adults. SGD and AD are graduating from college together this Saturday so now big ticket stuff goes down to grans (smile).
Linda