My heart breaks for you because of all of the evil ex wife stories I have heard - yours rates right up there in the top 10. Worst of all, is that the same forces that were at work in your BF's marriage continue even after the divorce and probably always will because she's got him right where she wants him. Her ace in the hole is the children and it will be until the time they are old enough to make their own choices. If she is manipulating, it is because she had an easy target... not just now but throughout the marriage. Was his mother also a domineering, controlling person? Are you? There's a reason why people chose the ones they do. Is he willing to give up his children that he has known and loved for all these years for an unborn child he has never met and a woman that he loves that lives across the country? Is love of a woman enough to give up contact with his children? If he gives up contact with his children, will he resent you for it forever? Sorry that there are more questions than answers, but it is hard when you don't know the personalities of the people involved. There is nothing you can do. It is his decision to make what his choice will be. You can nag and lay on guilt, but do you want a marriage based on guilt. Not to mention the fact that you ARE still married to another man (separated is still married). You also have a decision to make. Could you raise another child alone if you had to? Would it be better to be married to this man and have his ex pulling his chains for the rest of your marriage (and yours in the process). Could you chose between your children and a man? Point is you each have a decision to make. No one can make it for you. Know yourself and make the right decision based on the long haul not on short term gratifications for yourself and your children and allow him to make his decisions for himself so that he could never bring it up later that he was coerced or forced into marriage. If both of your decisions coincide ... wow!! You'll have a basis for a solid future. You can make him aware of your feelings and what you would like to happen and then drop it and let him juggle it all around for himself. Good Luck. Hope it works out for the best ...whatever that is.

Your boyfriend needs to grow a set of balls and put his EX in her place. Your right she can't keep the kids from him, and if he doesn't have visitation legally established for those 6 weeks she's in the country I'd recommend doing so, and take her to court every time she feels froggy and refuses to let him see them. Be blunt with him, tell him how you feel, not to worry, and you'll find a way if it was meant to be. Most men need a swift kick in the head so to speak before they see the light. LOL

I think Rose made a lot of good points and asked a lot of the right questions in her post. Go over each of those and think and see what you come up with. This is a messy situation right now and it's up to you and your bf to figure out what you want to do. First, off I think you best be talking divorce with your ex if you're thinking marriage with another guy and have a baby on the way. There is no need to stay married after 3 years of seperation and all the changes that have occured.

~Leslie~

I want to thank you all for responding with some VERY good advice that I've thought about all week. Yes, it is a very messy situation, and I am thankful for this forum and for the people in it who can relate.

I agree that it's time to officially get a divorce from my ex. I have felt divorced since the day I left him, but feeling it, and legally being it, are two different things. I am waiting until after the holidays.

My BF did tell his ex to mind her own business, in which she sent an email telling him she's done, to do whatever he wants to do, etc. etc. I know she won't go away that easily, I'm just waiting for the next onslaught to begin with her.

He is coming to visit me in two weeks, and he's bringing a ring with him. I'm going to take things one day at a time. I believe that what is suppose to happen, will.

Unfortunately, now days when you meet people in their 30's and 40's, we all come with our histories and "baggage". I'm glad that there are more support groups out there, like this one, who can help people adjust and get past the negativity that sometimes comes with it.

Thanks again. Believe me, I'm sure I'll be needing all of your help again soon in the near future. I'll keep you updated.

Robin

Robin, I am curious as to how the ex wife knows everything that is happening in his life. I wouldn't thing the rumor mill stretches all the way to the orient. One thing that needs to be done is to feed her a lot less information, since it is just ammo for her. Have either of you thought about that?
j

Hi Robin - I know your message is a couple of weeks old and you may not be checking for responses anymore, but I do have a couple of questions or points, I guess.

First, my understanding (which could be flawed) is that an ex cannot legally move out of state with children unless the other ex-spouse gives approval. Perhaps this is a state-by-state law, but I don't think so as I've had a variety of friends impacted by it. How could the woman move the children to Japan without your boyfriend's say-so? And if he did give his approval, what's up with that??

Also, I realize that air fare is expensive, but couldn't he visit his children in Japan in addition to the short time he sees them here?

This is my opinion and I apologize for what it may convey, but I don't think that the choice to get pregnant in October, before a ring, before working out issues, before marriage, was wise. Why did you rush into that? That's a huge thing, and if you're getting a ring at Christmas anyway, you could get married in January and get pregnant then, with legal ties. This new baby deserves that, as do you.

You mentioned at the beginning of your message that your 11 year old was living in a different location (you in one city and your son and family on the other coast). So you don't have custody of your son? Are you concerned that, if things don't work out between you and your boyfriend, that he could take this new baby from you? Again, legal ties would've helped.

Now, I concur with the others in sympathy for you and what you're going through/involved in. Your boyfriend needs to separate emotionally from his ex (to the best degree he can without further damaging his children) and you, too, could be in a better situation if you finalize your divorce.

My sincere best to you as you work yourself through this situation you've gotten in to.

Good points suzieque...baggage coming from every angle...jeezzz....goodluck!