I think I would assume he isn't going to like anything you fix and tell your DH in advance to fix him a bowl of cereal or a PBJ and not worry about it. If his dad doesn't care what he eats I would make it a non issue. Not worth getting upset about it every night. But I would not put up with his comments. Tell him if it bothers him to go eat elsewhere, that you aren't going to listen to it. It's probably a battle you aren't going to win. Oh, and can I come eat with you. It sounds delicious.

I think you should ask DH what he thinks SS should do when invited to a friend's house for dinner and a meal that isn't to his liking is served. Should he react the same? Should he expect an alternate dinner?

I don't understand in the slightest why you should "understanding of SS's picky habits." I think you are kind to try to work within them. Being understanding means condoning them, and I believe that to be the wrong approach. Those habits will limit him in the future and prove problematic.

I feel for you. I think your DH is more worried about being his friend than his parent.

"But I kept waiting for DH to say something to him--something along the lines of "J__ worked hard on this dinner and I understand that you don't like it, and that's okay, but it's not okay to be rude about it."

Men!! Especially men who are not the chief cook in the household!
Ask JNM for her lamp.

"He accused me of not being understanding of SS's picky habits"
Uh, you ARE being understanding of his pickiness - you made something you thought he would like. But he had his mind made up ahead of time that he would not. That's out of your hands.

We went through something similar awhile back, when A__ (who is not usually a very picky eater) decided he didn't like anything that had nutritional value.
The last straw was when A__ yelled "Ewwwwwwww, that is disgusting!" before he had even tried whatever I had made. FDH was cheerfully eating, not even really noticing, until he saw my scowl and then his "duh" moment hit and he asked A__ to apologize for being rude, and said that it was OK to not like it but not to be rude about it. A__ refused and was sent to his room until he was ready to apologize. He came out when supper was nearly done and ate some bread and cold steamed broccoli. He hasn't said anything like that since.

He does occasionally say "I don't want that" and FDH or I tell him "Tough. You have to eat it. If you don't like it, you don't have to have very much"
Everyone is entitled to likes and dislikes, but you can't dislike all food!

Now, having said that, I do take A__'s tastes into account when he is here. FDH and I like stirfries and curries and "lots of things in one pot" foods that don't appeal to A__... So we eat more kid-friendly stuff with him (meals of one or two flavours per item instead of conglomeration food)

Do you think he dislikes everything because he's picky or because YOU fixed it? If you're not sure, maybe have dad fix dinner (with you or alone) and have dad serve his plate and present it to him to see if he reacts the same way to dad. If he really is being picky, maybe ask him what he wants and even have him come in the kitchen and help you cook. You could give him a couple of entree choices, like 'would you rather have beef stew or meatloaf for dinner tonight?' and let him help make the choice. Making him part of the process~ choosing the menu and preparing it, makes it more likely he will be proud of helping and want to eat it. There's no reason boys can't cook and at his age, he can stir or hand you things. There's always some way kids can help out, if you let them.

If the issue is that he is rebelling because you are cooking, then I'd just have dad serve his plate and hand it to him. I would not prepare another meal, not even cereal or PB&J. All that teaches him is he can have it his way by throwing fit. I had a son that drove me nuts with fits like that and the worse thing you can do, is give in. It teaches them that 'this works.' and they keep doing it.

"But I kept waiting for DH to say something to him--something along the lines of "J__ worked hard on this dinner and I understand that you don't like it, and that's okay, but it's not okay to be rude about it."
That is EXACTLY what your DH should have said. Not to put too fine a point on it, I think your not so D H behaved like a jerk. Clearly you ARE taking SS's pickiness into account, and also clearly you couldn't produce anything but junk food that would get his approval. Sailing into you after you told SS his remarks hurt your feelings, was totally out of line. Your DH needs to do some sensitivity training after you smack him upside the head with the lamp.
I got fed up with my DD when she decided before even trying food that she didn't like it, and also fed up with either confining my cooking to the two or three dishes she DID like, or making her a separate meal. A friend whose kids were older remarked, "I just tell them they know where the cereal is." So I would cook what I wanted (still trying to pick things DD _might_ like, and not deliberately cooking things I knew she wouldn't eat, like liver for instance) and if DD didn't like it, she knew where the cereal was.
So that was one rule. The other was, You can say, "I don't care for this", but you CAN'T say, "This is disgusting" (or variant thereof).

Boxing up the lamp to send - good call, Ceph!

I think you are trying too hard to please Mr. Picky. I'd just ask him what he does like that you would make and give him the list - fried chicken, roast, stew, fish, pork chops etc? Then list the veggies and how fixed. Make it simple for you so not a lot put into it. Tell your husband your plans and that its being done to have an enjoyable visit and that he eats.
If all he wants is pasta, then name some meals with pasta you feel would be healthy. Make your own pizza including veggies with the meat. If he still acts like a butt, make the pasta and slap him alongside the head with it. OOPS, sorry, it was an accident. (on purpose)
We had no choice but to eat what my mother prepared. There was not a discussion of choices. Apparently BM lets him eat as he wants to. Ths is where dear hubby needs to have a talk with him. Your home, habits, and rules are for your home, not duplicated after his mom's. I didn't see an age but if he wants to act this way, fine, go to your room. There will be no TV, games, or whatever as he is being rude and it's unacceptable. If hubby wants to pitch a fit, he can go to his room. Just a little bit of humor there as this has to be hard on you.
Once you find out his likes and you have no problem with the choices, let him help like suggested,
Wish you the best
Lynn

Hi . I think the most important thing is to keep a united front. Whatever you decide to do, you should decide it with your partner privately and then stick to it in front of your stepson. I know it can be hard and it needs both of you to agree to do that. I also have a stepson and sometimes have similar problems. I guess that your partner is sensitive about his son and also guilty that he let him down. He may want to over compensate to make up for what he feels are his own failings. As far as the food issue goes, I think that he needs to understand when he is in your house he has to abide by the rules in your house; and if that means easting what is prepared for him he should have to do that. It doesn't sound like has a good diet at home so you are doing him a favour by serving up healthier food.

We don't do the alternate meals at our house. Either you eat what is in front of you or you don't eat. The general point being if they are hungry they'll eat it. I'm pregnant and workin ten hours a day and J works two jobs...no body has the time or the energy to fix two seperate meals. Besides, the OTHER would decide they didn't like the roast as well if she saw sissy eating a bowl of sugary cereal...not a battle we intend to fight.

My feelings would have been hurt as well if my husband wouldn't of stood up for me. I forget how old your SS is but I'm sure he is old enough to understand what "not nice" is. There was no need for the child to make such a scene. Are you sure he is a picky eater or is he just contrary because it is you who prepares the food? DH would be cooking for awhile if I was you.

As BM to a VERY picky eater, try not to take it personally. My DD would definitely not be thrilled with any kind of stew or anything with any kind of sauce...especially mushroom. Of course, she knows better than to tell me something is disgusting, but you can tell by the way she takes bites like their going to bite her back.

As far as veggies, I just open a can for her or give her raw carrots...she does like those...and salad with no dressing. I'll just say, "These are your vegetable choices," and she'll choose one.

If she doesn't eat a good dinner, she can only have "healthy" snacks for the rest of the evening.

Once my mom made us some kind of casserole/pie, one-dish dinner, my daughter was hungry, and as tears filled up her eyes, she asked, "Is this all we're having?" My mom was kind of mad, but it broke my heart, so try to give hubby a break.

Thank goodness my SD and other DD don't have these food issues. Both of them will say that they don't like something, but that never stops them from eating everything I put on their plates.

We don't do alternate meals at our house either. If you don't want to eat, there will be another meal in six or so hours. You can try again later.

My DD really doesn't like to try new things. The other day I was eating a snack of roasted garlic, tomatoes, mozzarella balls and pita bread while she ate something else. She said, Mom, what are those white things? I told her they were octopus eyeballs. She said "eewwww". I said she had to try one. I got her to take a little bite, and she immediately scrunched up her face and make a yuck face. Then she opened her eyes, Mom, those were good. And I told her it was cheese. Now we talk about how things may not look good, but they taste good...

She doesn't like a few things, and mostly I work around those because I can understand. But if she ever said something was disgusting at the dinner table she would be in her room.

Good ideas above. Get dad to prepare the plate and see if that's a part of it. Explain that no one talks about the food in a gross way at the table, it's unappetizing for everyone. If he's not hungry for dinner, he can go without. Your meals sound really good to me. Most likely he's just damaged his taste buds with all the fat and sugar and salt from his "kid friendly" meals and needs them to be brought back down to earth.

Is he too young to take to a shelter for Thanksgiving to hand out food?

Kids that age tend to be very suspicious of any new foods. What we used to make the kids do, was have as many bites as how old they are. If they were seven, they had to eat seven beans, etc. After that, they were allowed a peanut butter sandwich if they still didnt like it, but no dessert or snacks until the next meal.

THe bigger issue is your SS saying its disgusting, etc. Your hubby should have explained to him that its okay not to like it, but calling it disgusting repeatedly , will hurt feelings, and no one likes their feelings hurt. I wouldnt hold it against the kid for saying its disgusting. I would talk to hubby about what to do next time. Men are so clueless sometimes.

My SS10 used to pull "if you make me eat that I am going to puke" and hubby would back him up saying he is he is going to puke and I would say ... well make sure you turn your head when you are puking. So you don't get it on the table. Mine are allowed one substitution a week ... so it better be something they really hate because if the next day is something they hate they have to eat it.

We all went to my sisters house for dinner over a year ago .... we all sat down to eat my SS10 cried that he didn't want to have to eat this "crap" so my sister walked over and took his plate and threw it in the trash and told him to go sit in the living room till we were all done .... he cried for hours how mean she was ...called his mother who in turn called hubby .... big battle over table manners when we got all got home. He knows now if he says it again he will not be eating that night.

so my suggestion is feed him what he likes every day until he gets sick of it

I did this with mine it was summer so we could get away with it they also went to their mom's every other day (dumb visitation schedule) We had hamburgers every other day for almost a month I made different side dishes and made hubby and I different foods but the kids ate hamburgers for a month ... and were told its the only thing you will eat so now we will eat them until you get sick of them and actually want to try different foods.

So make a meal for the family and make him a PBJ (or whatever he will eat) doesn't matter what you make for dinner he gets ________ until he asks for what you are having for dinner.

Pseudo..."My SS10 used to pull "if you make me eat that I am going to puke" ...well make sure you turn your head when you are puking. So you don't get it on the table. "

That's great! I nearly spit out a mouthfull myself when I read that! Way to call him on his BS.

OH, the lord blessed me with kids who'll eat anything and they actually LIKE Veggies. Sure they have their not so favorite dinners, but they know thats dinner, take it or leave it, breakfast happens in 12 hours. My SS though was never taught that and he uses the I don't like this meal as a power play. One day he told me how much he loved spagetti and meatballs I made it that night and he ate it all. I made it again about a month later and he wouldn't touch it. I used to try to please him with a meal he would like and once I figured out he hated everything just because I made it- I didn't care anymore. It's bad manners to carry on about dinner being gross. You are entitled to your opinion, but I don't need to hear it over and over again. That's just me.

The hardest part I think is that you and DH argued over it and he missed that you were making an attempt to please the picky eater. My feelings would be hurt too.

I think offering alternate meals encourages the pickiness. I can clearly remember the one time I refused to eat dinner, my mom had made bear and it grossed me out. She made me sit at the table until bedtime. I ate in the morning and survived.

When I was married to ex, I was trying to make SS4 eat one bite of brocoli...despite his pleas that he would puke...and he did...all over his plate. I will never ever ever force a gagging chile to eat a food they claim to despise ever again. And I'll tell you, I never tried to feed that child brocoli again!!

I did the "bites per age" too works till they are about 10ish ... then they figure out 10 bites the whole thing is gone.

Do you serve dinner from bowls and platters(family style) on the table? or do you make their plates?

We do family style so ... you guessed it you took some you have to eat some.

For a long time as a "reminder" when I was making something new ... I would tell mine I worked hard on this its a new meal I have never made it before so please use kind words to tell me how much you like it or hate it ... because it hurts my feelings when you say mean things to me after I have spent a great deal of time on something I thought you would enjoy .... if they have never been taught they don't have a clue.

With SC we used to trick them ... there were a few times I would make something and they "refused" to eat it ... but if hubby said he made it they shoveled it in .... so when trying something "new" we would say hubby made it and they loved it the next time "I" made it they hated it....

Wow. I appreciate all of the input/suggestions!

I am surprised to hear how many people still do the "no alternatives" route with meals. I was brought up that way for the most part, save for a couple meals that my mom KNEW my brother and I really just didn't like, and I really don't think it did us any harm. Truthfully, I think we are both "unpicky" eaters because of it. I eat fish, chicken, all kinds of veggies, etc. and think it's because my mom did a good job of exposing us to different foods.

I don't really agree with the idea that kids at 6 are naturally suspicious of new foods. Picky eaters are suspciious, but kids on the whole are not. My DD has always been very willing to try new things--but I have also worked hard over the last 6 years to ensure she was consistently exposed to them. I have beeen really fortunate in that she actually LIKES veggies (haha, even more than I do!) and eats them without complaint. Her only issue with veggies is cooked carrots--too mushy--so I just give her a few raw ones we eat cooked ones.

I think DH was out of line for sure in not helping to teach SS that it's unacceptable to use "hurtful" words when describing a meal. It is okay for him to not like it, but it's never okay to insult the person who prepared the meal. I did ask DH what he would do/say if SS did that at my mom's house, or my grandma's house, and he actually said that would be different because SS is a "guest' in their house, but not in ours. WHATEVER. I told him guest or not, he still needs to be polite--the fact that I am mom or stepmom and not a HOSTESS does not give EITHER of our kids the right to be rude.

I think DH was in a crabby mood last night because we talked this morning--and I made him read everyone's responses :) and he admitted that he handled the situation incorrectly.

We did decide that from now on SS will get a PBJ sandwich if he doesn't like the meal (not really my decision, more DH's) but that he will have to TRY 3 bites of it before deciding he doesn't like it.

I don't think me making it/serving it was the issue. It doesn't seem to matter who does it. I think meal time at our house has ALWAYS been an issue for SS---he complains about having to eat veggies, meat, etc. and it almost always turns into a battle with him and DH. So I think he just goes into the meal with a negative attitude....and, honestly, so do DH and I. It would be nicer if DH and I could both just step back and not let it bother us....but I know that DH worries because SS is VERY small and skinny for his age. DH worries about his size because he is so little and wants him to eat...sometimes to the point that he is willing to give him ANYTHING to eat just to get him to EAT SOMETHING. KWIM? DH always tells me he is worried about SS doing sports as he gets older and being little. :(

But I do think most of SS's pickiness comes from being unwilling to try new things...so I like the idea of requiring him to try 3 bites before "making a decision" as to whether or not he likes it.

Hi Love,
We have a "no-thank-you-bite" policy in our house, which originated from a pretty cute story. A friend's daughter was young, and didn't want to try a dish. Her mom told her she has to try one bite, and if she still doesn't want it, she can say "no thank you". Well, she tried it, she loved it. My DD liked the story because it was told by a "big kid" who now can eat whatever she wants, when she wants, and now she's willing to try one "no thank you" bite. It achieves my mission of getting her to try new things, while allowing a polite way for her to not eat more if she doesn't really like it.

I think if I were in your shoes, I would have my DH do the cooking when SS was around, that way I wouldn't have to deal with the hurt feelings.

However, I have to say, that recipe didn't sound all that "finicky friendly", and IMHO, sauces don't go over well with many finicky eaters, especially if there are pieces of stuff hidden in the sauces. Between my kids, and my skids, I have heard every reason under the sun for not eating something, and it drives me nuts!

Clarification: I'm not fussing at you, I'm just having an outburst!

"SS is VERY small and skinny for his age"

My first thought to this was "So the h3ll what?!"
I weighed 35 pounds on my first day of kindergarten, and 47 pounds on my first day of grade 5. I was perfectly healthy, just very very small.
Now, if SS has no energy and has a poor immune system, as well as being small, then maybe it's a problem...
But many people don't understand that some people are just little, and feeding them more won't change that.

As for being little and doing sports... Again, I think "So the h3ll what?!"
So what if he plays recreational badminton instead of competitive football? So what if he prefers skateboarding to soccer? As long as he is active, WHAT he is doing doesn't matter.

Outburst complete.

We have the "You don't have to eat it, but I'm not making anything else" rule in our house. This applies to everyone, including myself, if my husband cooks. There are always plenty of heat and eat foods as a back up, so if you don't like dinner and your unwilling to open a can of ravioli, I guess you'll be ready for breakfast in the morning.

What if SS decides he doesn't want to do sports? Men who automatically expect their sons to be sport stars or hunters/fishermen annoy me in general. Your SS may end up being into Drama, Music or Technology more so than sports. It's a little unfair of dad to already be planning out SS's social interests for him.

DO NOT LIVE VICARIOUSLY THROUGH YOUR CHILDREN DADDIES OF THE WORLD!

This goes for moms forcing beauty pageants, dance and cheerleading down their daughters throats as well.

Outburst complete:)

The only alternate choice in our house is a bowl of cereal--the unsweetened variety. I'm lucky enough to have kids that aren't too picky, but have had to resort to cereal on occasion.

Youngest (DD5) is the most adventurous eater of all of them though. She was eating Indian food before she had teeth. As a matter of fact, I think that was her first "real food", after breast milk and rice cereal!

Pickiest is SS18, who's now off at college, and is starting to missed homecooked meals!

love, it sounds like you really trying to make nice meals and they all sound great!

But honestly not too many young children eat somehting that is creamy on top of chicken. Well I am an adult and I do not like things that has cream cheese in it or anythign what looks creamy white or yellowish. Plus it usually smells starnge. I also would not eat anything in a peanut sauce. I love nice beef stew but not too many kids are thrilled about it. Again: it looks mashy.

DD did not like (and still does not) anything that is mixed too many ingredients. If it is chicken, it is just that. Side if it is potatoes then it is it, veggies it is it. She loves vegetables but not mixed into anything. Nothing mixed in mish mash. She still eats like that. I eat like that too. If I have chicken and rice, then chicken is on a left side and rice on the right side. If you'll put chicken on top of rice I'll lose my appetiie. And if there is something creamy on top of it: forget it. It grosses me out. Now I would rather serve sauce separatelly so people can use it if they feel like it or eat it dry.

But he should not be saying: it is gross, he should be polite. but really most kids don't like creamy stuff. I would not provide alternatives on a regular basis if they refuse to eat. But I would try to provide some food that is not mixed all together with sauces.

I don't have anything new to add. I just had to comment on this:

"We did decide that from now on SS will get a PBJ sandwich if he doesn't like the meal"

In our house, that might end up with BM calling CPS on us.... for one thing, feeding her daughter something different than the rest of the family is singling out her daughter & THAT is abuse (to BM). For another thing, peanut butter is on BM's forbidden list of foods to feed her kid. (even though she eats it at BM's house). Go figure!

I still think it might help to have ss write a list of his favorite foods & a list of foods he dislikes. Then you & DH can choose some menu choices from ss's list. Your DD can do the same. If you make it fun, sort of a game, and they get to help make some of the decision & even help fix the meal, or set the table, etc. then it might become less of an issue. You can also look for healthy variations of things he does like. When I make spaghetti, I changed to whole wheat noodles. I also serve small amounts of noodles & more meat sauce. My husband is a picky eater, he hates mushrooms & zuccini, but I put that in my sauce. I just make two sauces... one plain & one with my veggies. It only dirties one extra pan. For some kids, you can also puree the cooked veggies & add to the sauce.

"but I know that DH worries because SS is VERY small and skinny for his age. DH worries about his size because he is so little and wants him to eat...sometimes to the point that he is willing to give him ANYTHING to eat just to get him to EAT SOMETHING. KWIM? DH always tells me he is worried about SS doing sports as he gets older and being little. :("

We have had this issue with DS. We started letting him drink a Boost in the mornings, along with his breakfast. It's a good way to get some protein in for more energy. It helped a lot until his activity level decreased. Then we stopped them. Sometimes he'll drink a Carnation Instant Breakfast in the mornings with breakfast. Same effect. Also, is he taking a daily vitamin? I really sress to DS to take those because he doesn't eat well.

My DS seems picky. I am constantly frustrated with his eating habits. About a year ago, I started doing some soul-searching to figure out why he's picky. It's not that I've ever allowed him to be that way. But when I thought about it, I figured out the answer: FAST FOOD. Yes, fast food is the reason why he is so picky. Think about it. Everywhere we go he's asked "What do you want?" We're always on the run so this has been a habit. And pretty much everywhere we go he has the same choices. It makes perfect sense. Trying to stop this pickyness is like trying to stop a freight train. It takes a lot of effort.

There is a nutritional deficiency problem as well. FSD is a VERY picky eater. If you put a meat, potato and veggie on her plate, she'd eat a couple bites of meat and veggie, all her potato and ask for seconds on the potato. About 3 years ago, FSD's hair was (supposedly) falling out. I never really noticed anything more than normal, but that's besides the point. BM took her to the stylist and they said it was the hair ties we were using. So we had to get rid of all the hair ties and buy new ones. That didn't stop it so then BM took her to the doctor. The doctor said it was stress. One day I was flipping through a Woman's Day magazine and I see an article about symptoms and their causes. Sure enough, hair falling out was on there. It said that if hair is falling out more than normal it is due to a dificiency in certain types of fats. Fats from nuts and fish. Well, when all someone eats is potatoes, it makes sense that they would be missing out on some nutrition.

When we were growing up we were forced to eat what was on our plates and believe me "meal times were not very pleasant". I was a very picky eater. I now see many families just do something like chicken nuggets or PB&J for the picky ones and meal time seems like a more pleasant family time. I was well into adulthood before I learned to like just about everything. The children in the families that do not force seems like by 10-12 they are eating just about everything.

Aside from the rudeness, which sounds like it needs to be stopped-- have you considered doing the classic having him help trick? How about instead of looking on a picky eaters' website on your own, you both look at a kids' cooking website or cookbook together? Maybe if he chooses the recipe and helps cook now and then, he'll expand his horizons a little. Even a kid who's too young to use a knife or be close to a hot stove can help out in some ways.

I doubt it will overcome his resistance to absolutely everything, but it might be a start.

It is very discouraging to work hard on a meal and then have someone turn their nose up at it and make rude comments.....I loose interest in cooking really fast when that happens.

I think DH should do the cooking when SS is around....perhaps it is also time for SS to learn how to cook....I didn't see his age listed....could have missed it....on pain meds tonight!

I wish I could sit down with kids and have a heart to heart with them about food/diet. I was raised on white flour and sugar. I now have diabetes. I did great as long as I could remain physically active. That changed due to no fault of my own and now I HAVE to change my diet. I know SS is a kid but these habits begin early and are hard to change.

Since one of the biggest dangers of pasta, saturated fat and sugar is diabetes maybe you could get some info for your DH to read. Maybe you could attach a stipulation to fixing your SS's favorite type of meal....example....We'll do pizza and/or spaghetti tonight if we take a long walk afterwards. ( or some other physical type of activity. ) physical activity would lower blood sugars and help burn up the starches in the meal.

I wish I had been raised with dietary information at my disposal. I equated "comfort" foods with just that, comfort. If I was good I good a candy bar and so on.

As the cook you are responsible for good and healthy foods being prepared for the family. It can be a challenge.

I know one family that has a theme for their meals. One night it's Mexican, then Italian, fast food one night, one night of the week it's soup or stew and so on.

I personally feel the stress it causes me is the main issue. I'm being selfish here, yes I admit it. You could have a supply of healthy frozen foods that he would like and when he doesn't want to eat what you have prepared then he can heat up one of those. NO COMPLAINING ALLOWED.

"I am not one for "alternatives" when it comes to dinner. My motto is eat or do not eat, but this is it! No snacks or dessert or "special meals". If you do not eat this meal then your not getting a chance to eat till the next meal."

This is EXCELLENT advice..I just attended a child nutrition class recently and that is exactly what the nutritionist reccomended...The only thing I do different is that I will save their plate of dinner in the fridge incase they have a change of heart a few hours later....I have raised all my kiddos this was and I RARELY have an issue about getting someone to eat in our home.Bargaining with a kid and begging them to take a bite just causes way too much drama at the dinner table, my kids wither eat or not, they know the rules because we have stuck to it, so there isnt a conflict about it. Another thing to try is to incluse your children in making dinner. Both of my girls alternate nights on helping to make dinner, it gives us one on one time, and they definately seem more willing to try new things and clean their plate when they have helped cook it...

Step back and catch your breath. You realize that your child doesnt like burgers and have figured out how to deal with it. Have you tried to ask SC what he does like?

"Have you tried to ask SC what he does like?"

Of course. Both DH and I have worked with him to find out what he does like...he told us he liked spaghetti but then when I made it, all of a sudden he doesn't like that anymore. That tipped us off that it might be *me* but it really doesn't seem to matter if I serve him or DH serves him or we serve family style.

When I/we do ask, he gives us the same answers--he likes pizza, McDonalds, and garlic cheese bread. If we press him for further suggestions, he says he doesn't like chicken, meat, etc.

I've tried making garlic cheese bread as a side since it's a favorite of his at BM's but then the problem is--that is ALL he will eat. Then he wants seconds, DH asks him to please eat some of the (chicken, meat, pasta,veggie whatever before having seconds) and he won't and the battle starts again...

I do think meal time at *our* house is some sort of psychological battle. He knows that DH wants him to eat, he knows we both feel frustrated when he doesn't seem to like anything, so it does become an area where tensions are high.

I think we are going to do the good old peanut butter sandwich alternative. DH doesn't want to do PBJ because SS likes that too much--we want it to be a healthy alternative but nothing *too good.* We just plan to do what we do, eat what we eat--make a variety of meals and hope for the best.

But I really think it needs to become a NON ISSUE at our house because it is a HUGE one right now and I think that's contributing to the problem.

Sorry to hear all. BTW -- what is the problem with PBJ?

I didnt understand "DH doesn't want to do PBJ because SS likes that too much--we want it to be a healthy alternative but nothing *too good.* "

Maybe I am too accomodating -- all my DD wants is chicken and rice and salad. So we have it -- alot. I make big batches of chicken on sunday and tuesday, so we have leftovers she can heat up.

My older son is also a very picky eater, plus he has made it an issue not to compliment Hubby on anything he cooks -- Hubby is a world-class grill man. While it's still a minor issue, some things have helped:

- He doesn't have to eat it, but he can't be rude. One brief diplomatically-worded statement is all the complaint that's allowed. His early attempts actually weren't very diplomatic ;-) but we made him 'practice' until he came up with a few decent statements.

- I cook one meal. If Sonny doesn't want to eat it, he has to cook his own nutritionally-acceptable dinner and time it so that his finishes cooking at the same time as mine, and he sits and eats with us.

- For a while, I made Sonny cook for the whole family one night per week. He would plan the menu the day before, I'd shop, then he'd cook. His homework (and manners) have improved to the extent that we don't do that anymore, but it did actually work really well.

- To mediate the 'junk food' influence, I would require Sonny to eat one fruit or vegetable at each dinner. (And the tomato in spaghetti sauce or on a pizza wasn't enough to count.) Again, Sonny could eat the veggies I made, or take care of his own.

Refusing to fight about it has been a BIG improvement.

Sweeby, those sound like good rules -- my main complaint is not that DD doesnt eat healthy, but she wont eat fish. I love Salmon, Tuna, lots of other fis.

What about getting a cook book for kids and making it a family project to make a meal? Have SS pick out what he would like to make, take him shopping.

I also agree that there are different kinds of picky. I could be considered picky but in actuality I eat healthier than anyone I know. I only like lean meat or fish, grilled with spices, no heavy marinades and definitely no dairy mixed in with meat...oh NO. LOL. And veggies and fruits raw and without condiments. I'm a very "clean" eater.

I think that kids must eat fruits and vegetables, and they have to eat some other important ingredients. There are ways to make them eat it by making it attractive. but I believe that children should not be required to eat foods that they consider to be gross, smelling unpleasant etc.

Adults won't eat what looks and tastes unpleasant, why should kids?

" didnt understand "DH doesn't want to do PBJ because SS likes that too much--we want it to be a healthy alternative but nothing *too good.* "

DH and I both feel that if the alternative meal is something SS just LOVES, he won't even give the prepared meal a chance.

Also--in regards to the sauces--I always have them on the side. When I did the chicken w/peanut sauce, it was from a Family Fun magainze---the chicken was cut into tenders and then baked--and the peanut sauce was served on the side for dipping. SS didn't like that and we offered him ketchup or ranch and he just insisted he doesn't like chicken. Sigh.

I get frustrated with it but I am sure I would be just as frustrated if it were my DD that were so hard to please.

Picky is one thing--our issue with SS is that pretty much if it's not junk food, he doesn't want to eat it. This is absolutely not a reflection on him at all--I blame BM for letting him eat whatever he wants at her house and for not providing healthier meals.

You should see his lunches that she packs--lunchables, or McD's or some other fast food--and then chips--and then he ALWAYS has two desserts, fruit snacks and then some sweet treat. Maybe she considers the fruit snacks a fruit??? haha.

It's really sad. I feel like we try to counter-act with healthier but still yummy alternatives...but it doesn't go anywhere...

We pack his lunch and it consists of a PBJ, or turkey or ham sandwich--and then chips (but we do the baked lays, or low-fat cheez-its), an apple or banana etc., and a cookie or some other small treat for dessert. And milk or a 100% juice box to drink.

Then BM complains that he doesn't eat any of his lunch on the days we pack it. SIGH.

It's hard....

Is BM complaining or is SS? I have the same problem that SD's BM complains about what we feed SD. If SS isn't complaining to you, it's time to have a sit down with SS and talk about how he feels & what he likes to eat, etc. I wouldn't ignore BM, but I would not give it a lot of energy... it's really a problem between you/DH and SS. His mom can feed him what she likes when he's with her & I would tell SS that.

My SD's BM complained about what I give SD in her lunch (it's not enough, it's not what she likes, etc.) and if BM wants to decide what SD eats at school, she can pack her lunch and take it to her or she can pay the school for hot lunch. Otherwise, if she isn't willing to do those things, her complaint gets disregarded. My SD gets a turkey sandwich on whole wheat, apple/applesauce, teddy grahams, cheese crackers/string cheese, and milk. Occasionally, I make it chocolate milk or add a small treat, but not usually. Last week, she had cookie crumbs in her thermos. She's been getting cookies from a boy at school, which upset my husband. Now her thermos is coming back rinsed out.... hmmm, she's smart.

I would tell BM, I appreciate your concern. You're welcome to take him lunch everyday if you worried about him not eating. Don't let this issue become a power struggle, let her have it. Pick your battles.

At dinner, he will continue to be picky if it works for him. If dad wants to accommodate him, let dad fix him a separate meal. He'll soon get tired of THAT. (hopefully) but I think letting SS have input & help prepare the meal will help the situation a lot.

"Is BM complaining or is SS?"

It's hard to say. BM claims that he is coming home from school hungry because he didn't eat his lunch...

But she has been known to exagerate and even flat-out lie just for the sake of causing problems...

SS has never said anything to me or DH about not liking his lunch....so we just ignore BM's complaints.