Hmm. I guess it just all depends on what her agenda really is. Does she really want to go live with her father and maybe doesn't want to hurt your feelings by saying so and thus acting out & trying to make it happen?

Who knows, the minds of 13 yr olds are to tough for me to figure out. Maybe she thinks she will not have responsabilities there? I'm thinking the alternate every two weeks for a month then re evaluate how things are going for your daughter and your relationship with her..

Kids always put the absent parent on the pedestal, you know this. Try not to take it personally, my gut tells me she is just testing you..so go with your gut here..& keep us posted..

(Hugs))

~Cat

"Do you think it opens a can of worms I can't close once opened? "

Yes, I do.

Thirteen year old girls are almost universally difficult.

If she can be obnoxious to you, but not her father, it is often because she feels safe with you. She knows you love her unconditionally, whereas she may feel that she has to be more careful with her father, perhaps walk on eggshells a little, or he may reject her.

I do think letting her stay there may open a can of worms you can not close. I would try to keep her home and work things out. Maybe even (and I NEVER suggest this) counseling will help! This is an important age to have communication with your daughter and if she is completely closed to it that needs to change.

In an ideal world, both parents should take turns raising the child. The child generally love both parents in different ways regardless of how they treat the child. (I make this statement thinking of the CPs who abuse their child mentally or physically and the child is still fiercely loyal to their parent).

When I was growing up my parents were married. I gave my father more respect than I did my mother. That was just how it was.

What about some books? I was at Half-Priced-Books last night in the children's self-help aisle and there are a TON of great books for teenage girls and all the things they deal with. I have been worried about my FSD13 and her weight (being heavey and dramatic weight loss) and I found the perfect book dealing with teens and teaching them proper nutrition. I saw a bunch with titles along the lines of what to do when you don't want to talk to your parents. Maybe you could find something like that and ask her to read it.

If you can get her on the computer, there's a neat website: www.teensselfhelp.com. You may want to check it out thoroughly before recommending it to her. I skimmed over a couple of articles and I didn't see anything I really disagree with.

Sometimes I think that teens WANT to help and just don't know how. I think they are just as miserable as we are in the situation, but don't know how. I'm sure your daughter wants to fix things just as much as you do. Maybe giving her some tools like this website will speak to her in a language she can understand.

Just a thought from someone who is frustrated at not being able to speak teen girl language.

She isnt the one asking to go to her fathers. Its your idea and your ex husbands to send her , because of her attitude.

I dont think, unless the girl herself suggests it without prompting, that it would be a good idea at all.

Put yourself in her shoes. If you send her to her fathers for her attitude, it will feel to her as if you are giving her away, and that your love is not unconditional. It would probably make the relationship between you and your daughter much worse.

13 year olds can be emotionally draining to live with. They are feeling a lot of angst , especially with the impossible standards that society sets for them. I dont believe it would be helpful to make her feel insecure by threatening to get rid of her.

I looked for previous posts by Mom_of_2.5 , to get background, but cant find any? Is mom of 2.5 the same person as mom of 4 ?

I agree:

1. Teens can be tough.

2. Dont throw her to Dad. Do allow him reasonable time with her. Its always better to say, Dad wants more time with you -- not I'm going nuts (even if you are).

3. My DD is always more respectful to Dad. I attribute to a combination of things -- gender roles, he supplies $$ for fun stuff (like cars), I supply the necessities. I dont let it bother me. What annoys me is in general when people attibute difference to better parenting and not externalities.

Very well said, KKNY! You have a good and healthy perspective on this. Sometimes, I see it the way you do and sometimes I'm jealous at how DS seems to favor his dad.

Thanks to all for a clearer view.

Kathlene, No, I am not the same person as mom of 4. I am fairly new here. I found this forum at my witts end with my SS and my previous posts pertain mostly to him.

Background with this child, and my ex.. we married young for all the wrong reasons. As teenagers we were responsible a lot for his 2 year old sister. As a result we honed in our views on parenting before our child ever came along. 15 years later I think of him as a brother, we talk on the phone frequently. He has always been involved in our daughters school, sports, daily life. Although from time to time we disagree with each others life choices we almost always agree on her, what we want for her, and how to guide her. It is in no way a situation where he is unfit, uses poor juggement, or can't afford to keep her...he's a good Dad.

Because he's always been a good Dad I don't feel a transfer or more equal share in residence would translate to "throwing her away". When parents are equal in love and capability for a child who says "the moms is a better home?" I can see when she was younger she needed me more. Now, I'm not so sure.

kkny, I am a bit unsure what you mean by "people attribute difference to better parenting not externalities" could you please explain?

I think all kids tend to favor the parent they do not live with. When they go away EOW (or whatever) it is usually fun time! No homework, no chores, no school in the morning. Just time to relax, stay up late, and go places.

Then they come home to you and have homework, chores, school, and the daily grind. Not as much time to kick back and relax during the week as there is on the weekends. Just a fact of life.

It kills me when my son makes comments about how I am not as much fun as his dad. And it sucks when I have to be the "bad guy" who makes sure he showers, does his homework correctly, studies for tests instead of playing video games, goes to school even when he would rather sleep in, etc.

But it all comes with the territory and makes the job of the full-time parent a lot harder than the eow parent.

Just that sometimes some people say the EOW parent is doing a better job when all it is is the child behaives better there for a number of reasons, the ones I cited, the ones mom2emall said.

Oh yes, I get it now, I call it a "Disneyland Dad" My son has one of those, movies, McDonalds...I get it now. I didn't even think of it because her Dad is actually a parent. She probably has more responsibility at his house. Her only real chore here is to put away the dishes and if she's got homework she gets away without doing it. Her Dad makes her shower and do her homework too. Maybe a few years back he was a bit more lax. This is why I don't understand her difference in attitude to me and him. I have considered as TOS mentioned that she feels safe and knows I'll love her no matter what a snot she is. I know it's the job of a teen to test and push their parents. I don't remember being so mean to my mom, but I do remember being emotional and thinking I was smarter than everyone. I think sending her for a month is too much, but I'm still considering trying the two weeks here, two weeks there. I think I have read other posts here that have similar arrangements and am curious how that works. I'd like to hear what other families like/dislike about it and how support is then handled? absolved?

I have to agree with TOS on this. That may not be helpful, but at least take a little comfort in it. :-)

I have a 13 year old SD (we have custody) and though her 'angst' doesn't seem as extreme, I know the general behavior you speak of. I feel for you!

If you and Dad are on good terms and generally the same page, can the three of you sit down together to see if you can get to the bottom of her behavior? I wouldn't mention changing homes at all, but just how off her behavior toward you seems? My SD has always been distrespectful to her mom and BM complains about it all the time. BM started calling me to have me calm SD down because she would throw fits and such with mom she never threw with us. Once mom stopped taking the behavior, or giving in to her wants to shut her up, things changed. We all 4 sat down and discussed that SD was expected to treat her mom as well as she treated us, and that we would uphold punishments mom dished out during visitation when she got home to our house. Things started changing pretty quickly once SD knew we were all on the same page.