It seems a bit selfish to want to change their names at all. Just who is it supposed to benefit? It certainly won't benefit the kids in any way. What it WOULD do is make life easier for YOU if everyone in the household shared the same surname. I can appreciate that, because it is a pain in the rear. However, it is *their* name. I would never dream of asking my kids to give up their heritage and their father's name simply because I am no longer married to their father.

Also, how can a 5 year old really understand what a name change means by overhearing a conversation? My gut tells me there's a little coaching going on here ...

I don't blame your deceased husband's mother for being upset -- these kids are the only thing she has left of her son. And you're trying to take that from her, too.

I agree with Mom 2 4. I guess I'm too sentimental because I think that this is the last thing that they have of their father to hold onto. Also, what if your new marriage breaks up (heaven forbid) or DH dies prematurely and you marry again ... another new last name for the kids? I wouldn't mess with their identities. As for 5 year old - just say you were wrong-it can't be done and she will drop it.

Yes, my biggest concern is being over shadowed by my own selfish reasons to change their last name or it is something that I would of already done.
I have a both a friend and an aquatint who never knew their biological father and the day they turned eighteen, they legally changed their name to their step fathers last name. Based on their personal experience they both encourage me to change the childrenÂs name. Regardless of the name change, I still plan to go ahead with the adoption. I believe that this would be in the best interest for the children for several reasons. One, if I die, then two of my three children become wards of the state and regardless of my wishes, legal Will, etc. It will be up to some Judge to decide who/where these children live. Usually, the courts follow the wishes of the deceased parent, but there are no guarantees. This way their step father will be able to continue to raise them and if for some he feels that he can not handle this responsibility, then I would like the children to be raised by my brother and his wife and it would be step dads decision, not the courts. Secondly, the research that I found states that little girls raised without a father influence, have a ten times greater chance of turning to a life of drugs and/or prostitution. And little boy turn to drugs and crime. Thirdly, if DH and I get a divorce, I would like the children to continue a relationship with him.
My DH oldest son  a question of paternity arose when the child was only three, however, paternity was never legally challenged or determined and his name is on the birth certificate. However, his ex-wife used it as a weapon, every time he tried to divorce her. He waited until the child was twelve and could tell the courts that he wanted to live with his father and called her bluff. Needless to say he lives with us.
I know that if the adoption goes through and if we fight for custody  I run the risk of loosing  Fourthly, Now I carry several very large insurance policies and when a lot money is at stake, who knows who will come out of the wood work to fight for custody. Most of the money will go to my brother for safe keeping, regardless of who gets the children. I trust him completely, but there will still be quite a bit of money that would go with the kids. My husband and I considered changing the beneficiary to him, however, he is not real good when it comes to money and feels that he would do better if my brother budgeted the money for him. Finally, I believe that it is in the best interest of the children to have a legal permanent Father.

Back to the name change issue  My first husband choose to go out with his friends that night, he choose to go to a shady establishment, he choose to get involved with shady characters and I personally believe that this is what contributed to his death/murder! However, the police department did nothing (not like on TV) they did not even go to look at the scene until almost a week later. Even though there were several reports that the owner of the establishment chased him into the street at gun point  the police did nothing. I know that he did not choose to die, but I cant help being angry at him for making the choices that he did that night (Yes, I have been in and out of counseling) . However, I donÂt want to change the childrenÂs last name because I am angry at the biological father. That is why I have been desperately searching for some kind of psychological research on the pros and cons of changing a childÂs last name.

As for RosieL response  As far a telling my 5 year old that I was wrong and cant change her name I will not lie to her. She is an extremely intelligent child and I believe has been blessed/cursed with an impeccable memory. It would only be a matter of time before she will discover the truth. She blew my mind the other night when she described in detail a memory that she had of her biological father (at only eight months of age). I have never told the story to any one and no one else was present except the three of us. I would rather be straight with her and tell her that I choose not to change her name and when she becomes of age, it will be her choice. She has been identified as extremely gifted and is enrolled is a special school.

Currently, I try and keep their fathers memory alive with happy stories. I work real hard to maintain a relationship with their biologically grandparents and Aunts/Uncles. In MOST cases, these relationships are too stressful and end up going by the wayside. It has been and continues to be difficult on both sides. However, we keep trying. Eventually they will learn the truth of the shady circumstances surrounding his death. If by no other means, by public access to the police records. What would this do to their self esteem/ identities thinking that their legal father choose to go out and get involved with these characters instead of a life with them.

As for mom_2_4 response ÂMy gut tells me there's a little coaching going on here ... Â The only coaching that I do, it to encourage their current last name.

As for mom_2_4 response ÂI don't blame your deceased husband's mother for being upset -- these kids are the only thing she has left of her son. And you're trying to take that from her, too. She is o.k. with the adoption and the adoption is what will take her legal rights away. She is o.k. with changing my daughters last name. She is not o.k. with changing my sonÂs last name.

I guess that I am still torn over the decision to change their last name or not. I just wish I could find some research done by professional on the subject.

I say dont change their names. My father abandoned me when I was a baby. My mother was young so my aunt and uncle raised me. I have always called them mom and dad. I knew why my last name was different from the time I was old enough to. My mom(aunt) told me that they were considering changing my last name to that of her and her husband's. I am now 22 and still have my original last name. I am glad I do. I kept it even after I married. It is a part of who I am. Something that reminds me everyday that this is what shaped me into the person I am now. I would have resented it now if my last name would have changed. I honestly dont think a parent should have the right to change a child's last name after it is on the birth certificate. It should be up to the child when he/she turns 18. In a way it is like saying yes I was married to your father but I dont love him anymore so he shouldnt be a part of your history.

On a different subject, you are blaming him for his own death. You need more counseling. That is like saying that someone died in a car accident because they chose to take that way home or that someone deserved to die in a bank holdup because they chose to go in instead of use the drive thru. You need to get over your anger toward your late husband before you consider a name change of the children anyway. Erasing any thing that had to do with him will not erase the memory and I think that is what you are trying to do.

You seem to have thought through many aspects here. I know that as Mothers we try to cover eventuality, but we cannot. Sometimes we overthink things. Sometimes we can't begin to imagine what actually happens. As I was reading your post, I was running with it .... what if after she dies, the adoptive Dad marries a psycho .... what if he dumps them ... what if he dies, what if... We can drive ourselves crazy. I think that in the end, you will know the right thing to do for your own family. The adoption will no more ensure a father in your children's lives forever than did marrying their Dad. Life has no assurances. The only thing we can depend on is that it will change and bring twists and turns we never anticipated. With or without the legal adoption, if your husband is a good man and a good father, I know that he will do right by your children. Have you considered using his name as a middle name for the children and retaining their last name? Or a hyphenated name that includes both Dads?

I have to say I have the same opinion as of Jen93. If it were me and I was in your situation and my husband wanted to adopt my two children....I would let him and change their names. Grandma and Grandpa would just have to understand - they are your children and you have to decide.

People, will you listen to what you are saying. That is the worst thing I have ever heard in my life. You have a new family they should have a last name. That man is still their father whether he is dead or living in Bali somewhere. To deny that is to say to your kids that he never mattered and they shouldnt want anything to do with that part of them. I think changing the last name is selfish because it is not benefiting them in any way only you. He didnt abandon them. He died. He didnt ask to be taken away from his children. Just because you are remarried doesnt mean he is not their father. I am just sickened that some people feel that when a person dies and their partner remarries that the children are up for grabs. I agree with the grandmother. If you had died would you want your late husband to get rid of everything that had to do with you? Just erase you from their lives forever. Think about that.

Thanks to KimzMom and jen93. I still havent made a decision. But I now realize there is not right or wrong answer. It is customary in an adoption to change the last name but not mandatory. By changing the last name, I am not erasing the BD memory. I have saved numerous monetos for when they get older. I fequently talk about him. Grandma talks about him, SD talks about him ...

As to brandym ...
When a woman gets married and changes her last name is she saying that her family never mattered and she doesnt want anything to do with that part of her past. My determination of the one of the benifits to the children in regards to name change (not adoption) is a stronger feeling of a sense of belonging to the family unit. Kind of similar to the phycological benefits of a child belonging to a sports/or ohter group activity.

Elaforge -
The daughter has made her wishes clear - she wants the change. And the son, as you mention, has never known the man who has the name his grandmother wants him to "carry on".

Possible compromises:

Keep the last name as a middle name ...
Sarah Anne Martin becomes Sarah Anne Martin Abernathy

Hyphenate (sort of yuppy and affected)
Sarah Anne Martin becomes Sarah Anne Abernathy-Martin

And remember that if the children are not happy with the change, in almost any state they can change the name back when they are 18, or just revert to using it.

I'd let him change the names. My parent died too, and I hated all the questions other kids asked like why the names were different, etc. When a parent dies regardless of the age it is tough to deal with it and I think for me it would have been easier and made me feel more bonded to my siblings as well as the step parent. All I wanted was to do was blend into my new family, and be loved like a sibling and birth child. I think it would have made me feel more accepted. If the spouse was alive it would be different.

I also feel for the birthname, but that kid can change the name later if he chooses. You might also consider using both names.

i am with a man wonderful man and i have a five year old who real father is not in his life and never wanted to be and now i have a 5mt old with this new man we will get married one day but i want to change his last name to his how would i do that