Unfortuntely Carrie,it is VERY normal for the dad to take the "leave me out of it stance". Although from what I read on a website from a pyschologist,it is the worst thing a bio-dad can do to the step mom and child. It says that,unless the father reinforces things,this will leave way for the "Evil stepmom syndrome" because the stepmom becomes the mean/upset/anxious/unhappy one.

You are in a tough spot here,but I honestly think this daughter and these kids would act like this toward any woman their dad decided to marry after their mom died.
The dad should tell them that their mom wouldnt have wanted them to be this way.And if he loves you,he NEEDS to stand up for you in some way.
Do you make any head way by telling him if it doesnt stop you will leave him? What does he say when you threaten this?

I guess the main thing you can hope for is the one daughter moves out.Do you and your husband have any extra money you could throw her way and tell her it's to help her get out there on her own?
At 21 she's lucky if you all let her live there at all.That is certainly old enough to get out in the world and start creating her own life.Even if she doesnt get married yet or have kids.She should be hanging with other young women her age and doing things they do not trying to take your place.

I dont really know what other advice to give you,because it is sooo important you and your husband be on the same page here.If he says nothing,he is letting his kids run you out of this marriage.
There was a time when I had some issues with my step daughter hitting my daughter.My husband didnt want to say anything to his daughter about it either.But I stood my ground and told him that if he didnt,I was leaving and taking our daughter with me.So he finally did...cuz because he knew I was serious.
I'am sorry you are finding it to be so hard.With 6 kids,I think you are a saint anyways! :) You certainly took on alot
and it sounds like you are really trying.It's a shame your husband cant validate you to his kids.
Welcome to the forum!

"He has told her he wont marry for another ten years and no kids for another 5."

& she's 21 now, so that makes her, uh, 36 years old before the possibility of her own family?

This guy is stalling her, wanting to keep her around but not wanting a life with her.

He's using her.

(Guys like that are the ones who are "engaged" for 15 years & then they break up with their "fiancee" & get married within a month to somebody else.)

Hurt feelings & disappointment are one thing; taking it out on someone else is another.

Since you have no support from hubs, & since you still want to stay with him, here's what I think I'd do:

First, tell hubs, firmly, looking him in the eye, what you're going to do.

Tell him that the past is not the problem, it's the present.

Tell him that his future with you is in the balance;
that, while you're disappointed that he has allowed *anyone* to treat you appallingly, you are going to handle the problem yourself, & that you expect him to back you up fully.

Tell him, & follow through if necessary, that if he doesn't back you up, you're leaving.

Talk to her, telling her that you do sympathize with her disappointment with boyfriend.

but.

*Inform* her (this is not a dialog, it's an ultimatum):

This is my home, it's my territory, I am the alpha she-wolf, you will show respectful behavior & obey my rules or yer outta here.

& the first time she moved my brushes or re-arranged one single item in my kitchen or snarled at me or looked at me wrong, that would be it.

I'd get her out of my home if I had to set her stuff on the lawn & change the locks.

If she wants to stay in school & save money, she *can* behave herself.

I wish you the best.

"I am ready to just pack up and leave. My husband (we have discussed this over and over) feels so badly cuz he worked 15 hour days when the kids were growing, didnt have close relationships with them, and then they lost "mom"....so he has a tought time (if being able to do it at all!!) of confronting them or backing me up. The three oldest ones that are out of the house have put me thru sheer h#ll for 4 years. Not wanting me around at family functions. Making a big announcement at stepson's daughter being born that I "was not to be called grandma" ( I had not asked to be called it to begin with). My one stepson refuses to eat my food on holidays....and has never spoken not one word to be in 4 years"

This is much more deep-rooted than an obnoxious 21-year-old in the house.

The maltreatment you're experiencing at this woman's hands is just the latest episode, & I don't think she'll back off;
why should she?
Her siblings have treated you badly & you've taken it on the chin.
Why would she believe that you'll toss her out, or that her father will let you?

Time keeps passing, & you've spent 4 *years* being miserable.

Enough is enough, I think I'd let her be her father's little homemaker.

gone country,

I read your post and this is what I have for advice.

I have been a stepparent for 18 years to three children. I never, never told anyone of them what I really thought of this or that, believing it was up to their father to tell them when his childrens attitude towards me was disgusting.

I always said however that by the time these kids would be 18 years old, nothing would stop me and I would tell them what I personnally thought of their attitude especially the oldest SD who today at 26 years old is just, just starting to show me some respect.

This being said and because of my experience, don't wait on your husband to resolve the situation with his oldest daughter.

Be strong gone country. Tell her what you think of her and what she does. She is 21 years old and thus old enough to discuss whatever is thrown at her. Don't be shy. Be just as rude as she is and if a fight breaks out, that will be good. You will then be able to tell everything that is on your mind and if daddy doesn't like that, too bad. You have asked him often enough to support you and plus she is not a baby - she is 21 years old!

Go gone country go!

For one thing. Your husband doesn't look like he is supporting you.
I suggest a completely different thing here. Listen to my reason. IF this house was the same house their mother owned with their dad, you are really out of luck. The daughter believes its her right and power. And it doesn't help that your husband doesn't stand up to her.
Now that you have less kids in the house, Suggest to your husband that you want to find a smaller house that will be for both of you and your stepson. Only room for a small family. This will be fresh. I truly believe when one spouse dies and there are kids involved, and you plan to marry again, the house should be sold and another bought with the new marriage. A new territory. NOT The old one. The new house will be your own.
The daughter is 21. Tell her she is old enough to stand on her own and if she wants to be the 'boss of the house' she can BUY HER OWN!
You see, in this way, your husband has no choice. He can't hide.
Its hard to make a stand in this house without the support of your spouse. By buying a small home, yes you will exclude her. But she is old enough to leave the nest andyou dont need this stress.
DO you love your husband? Will he be willing to do this for you? THis is not about your stepdaughter. THe lack of relationship he has between his kids are his problem and you should not be feeling the flogging from the kids.
These are adults and it sounds to me they have alot of issues. If you love your husband and he loves you, make a new life together. Leave the old house behind and start new.

I have been in a second marriage for 33 years and from that experience I would pack my bags and leave. It is the only way to get though to your husband that you will not put up with this situation. It is the only thing that will change him. If he doesn't make some changes and fight to get you back, then what have you lost. You will have saved some years of your life, because from the way you talk you will eventually get completely fed up and will leave anyway.

Dear Gone Country
I have a great quote I found, for you.
Here goes
Silence should never under any circumstances be construed as agreement. A lot of the time, it's simply a reflection that someone just said something so stupid that no response could possibly do it justice.
That is how I would respond to her.
Go ahead and post it on YOUR fridge if you want.
As to YOUR, meaning you and your husband's, home - put things back and notify her that HER domain is HER bedroom in YOUR house. She can rearrange that all she wants. The rest is off limits.
She is battling you for the top spot and you know what - It is already Yours. You just gotta remind her. And maybe yourself too huh. You know who is responsible for your home and it surely isn't her. I doubt if she is planning on replacing the furnace when it goes out or when the roof needs repair, etc. You might want to point that out to her. Maybe something will go wrong this week and you can use that as your example. Put her money where her mouth is so to speak. No, you aren't going anywhere - but she will eventually. Hang in there.

Would her rearranging be such a big deal if she were your own child? When my adult children were living at home, every once in awhile they would get the urge to rearrange something, like the cabinets, and I was grateful. I just don't feel all that wedded to any particular arrangement, and if they have a better idea, fine. It's just as much their house as it is mine. What made me sad was that for a time they didn't think of our house as theirs, because they were away at school/out of state job when I moved here.

I wouldn't mind if they came in and rearranged my dresser and closet - actually that sounds like a great idea - I wonder if I can convince one of them to do that, next time they are visiting. I have always felt that if they want to straighten/clean something up, I don't care how they do it, I'll happily accept it.

theotherside, I usually agree with what you say, but it sounds and in my opinion, I represent the other side as well, but it seams to me that gone country's SD changes or gets in the way of *everything* she trys to do. That's not right. It sounds like gone country has made a genuine effort to make things comfortable for her stepchildren.

gone country, have you had a one-on-one conversation with Carrie and told her how you feel about things? Talk to her in a way that is not really confrontational (ie., not I've done this, this and this for you and you are just being an ungrateful brat) Just let her know that you feel like it is your place to do the cooking and arranging in your home, that you are open to suggestions, that you care for her, her father and her siblings, and that you just feel as if your toes are being stepped on a little. Let her know that you are not looking for an arguement, but that you think the 2 of you could communicate better. I think it's really all about approaching her in a respectful mannor and speaking to her like an adult.

Good luck to you.