Personally I have always said my kids would not have a TV in their bedrooms, because I think that is why families are not close anymore It seems families don't interact with each other, everyone just seems to be passing through the home. But in this day and age, I think they should have one if they like games. I like games myself and wouldn't play them on the living room TV when my husband was at home, not fair to him. And I feel if there is a big TV in the living room and rec room and you can afford them, I see no harm in a child having one in the their room. Why would you deny them what you are enjoying. You can bet your pay check on....if dad or mom played games they would have the latest games and equipment.

My mom used to say you buy to much for your kids. I replied with, we are sharing what we have with them, just like you did. We just had more to share. when I bought my first computer I got the best available and bought another one every 2 years to stay up to date. We could afford it, so why not. I passed my old stuff to a family member.

I forgot to add, I have mixed emotions about the rules you are setting for him. It is turning his life and yours into a battle field. He has had his life torn apart by divorce, has a new mom who is setting rules for him that conflict with the ones he has at home. I think you should discuss the rules and let your husband decide what is right for "his" son. I was involve in a court case with similar circumstances and the judge came down hard on the step mom because those things should be left up to his mom and his dad. Actually the judge told the SM to sit down and be quiet.

Ah but you see, I do just that! I give my opinion on the situation and then step aside. But when you are in MY house, you abide by MY rules. I am not some Nazi that wants to raise a robot. However, some rules and limitations for his age group are necessary for him to grow and become a productive respectful adult who appreciates the things he has.

FYI we do not play video games, and we have a modest TV in our livingroom. We are outdoorsy people who hike, camp and love sports. We try to include SS with our lifestyle.

So are you saying that I should change MY lifestyle for the times he is here to accommodate him? We have a baby on the way. Am I going to raise my child so differently but let him get away with murder? So you are saying that as a Step Parent I have no rights? He was just 2 - 3 when they got divorced. He has adjusted nicely and knows how to manipulate the both of them to suit his needs. :)

Here is a rule. Snacks in my house consist of fresh fruit, trail mix, string cheese, some health bars, some chips and desert I bake cakes, cookies and even make ice cream. NO SODAS!

BM always packs his bags with mountain Dew, pixie dust, cotton candy, snickers, chewing gum, pop rocks etc.

When he complains to BM about not having anything to eat here (LOL!!) she mails him a care package with the things I do not want in my house. :) great, huh? SO what do I do???

I'm sorry if my reply offended you, but it my opinion. I know you have to have rules in your home, but when I think of rules for step children it is about respect, it's not about what they eat. If we were related and I came to visit with my children would you allow them sodas and candy bars? Is your husband allowed to drink sodas or eat candy bars. The conflict going on in your home does more damage to the child and yourself than drinking sodas and ingesting sweets.

My lifestyle changed when I married my husband, we compromised and and found something that worked for both of us. Regarding my step children I didn't tell them what to eat, or when to go to bed, that was his job. I wanted them to enjoy their visit with their Dad and my home was not going to be a war zone and I was not going to put my husband in the situation where he had to choose between his kids and me. I did that successfully for over 30 years and my step children and I came out of it okay.

No I'm not offended! :)

I drink alcohol (well, not now since I'm preggers). When my child is an adult, he/she can choose to drink it then when in my house. I treat soda the same way.

We do not drink sodas, a candy bar here or there I wouldn't mind. But when they eat them every day multiple times a day, well.... I think that is not healthy.

I speak with my husband behind closed doors about what I feel I would do if it were my son... never in front. I let the DH handle any situation with SS. :) No animosity between myself or DH - just differences of opinion. Maybe once our bundle comes, I will be the "heavy" :)

P.S. I don't ask much from SS - just to pick up after himself, to eat right and to spend time with his dad. He just makes faces at me, and ignores me and hides in his room with his video games which he brings with him. Then has the nerve to complain that the TV we have for him in the bedroom is too small and for us to give him the living room TV. So sweet....

He does expect a lot, that probably works with his mom. I rarely bought sodas or candy for my kids, I saved those treats for our camp outs or picnics. I like to make those occasions special. My SD let her two kids eat all the junk they wanted and her boy ate it 4 or 5 times a day, between meals, before meals, anytime he wanted it. Now this is where my experience steps in....he hardly eats any sweets now that he is an adult, just doesn't want them. I guess he got his fill. My sister in law has a grand daughter that was spoiled rotten and manipulated every adult around her. But she turned out great, treats everyone with respect, especially the people she manipulated. go figure.

when my son and his family lived with us for 3 months while in transition from another state, there was a problem the first time we sat down to eat. The parents were nagging at one of their boys about not eating and he really wouldn't eat then, a very stubborn kid to this day. I told the parents there will be no fighting in our house, and I told my grandson he didn't have to eat. I told him I would cover his plate and he could have it when he was hungry. BUT...he couldn't have treats with the rest of us if he didn't eat. Problem solved. I picked my battles and the saying goes, "don't sweat the small stuff and it's all small stuff".

I think in your case, you are fighting a loosing battle. Because he is with BM for 70% of the time, his life and upbringing unfortunately revolves around that lifestyle. Since the time you spend with him is limited, why not try to enjoy it when he is with you, be the "fun parent" so to say. Now I am not in any means saying that you should provide him with sources of entertainment that you deem inappropriate in your home (regardless of what BM allows him to do), but I would not try to interfere with the limitations, or lack of, that he has at BM. Set limitations for him at your home of course, but it is clearly the child's father that needs to enforce them. If you try to, you will be percieved as the "evil" stepmother. This, I am finding out rather quickly in my own home, but my SC live with us full time; therefore at times I have no choice but to enforce them. Getting in the middle will just cause problems with any relationship you have with SS, and will cause you uneeded grief in the end.

There are those who would say that step-parents DON'T have any rights when it comes to the stepkids....not even a right to an OPINION about what should happen with them. They feel that EVERYTHING that concerns the stepkids should be handled by the bio-parents. Another forum I used to belong to was much this way...so I left! But really, there is a pretty big contingent of folks out there who would agree that steps have ZERO rights when it comes to their stepkids. They call step-parents "legal strangers" or something like that...which really never made any sense to me.

However, my opinion is that you DO have some rights. You have the right to be respected, for your home/belongings to be treated appropriately, for cooperation (or at least attempted understanding) from your spouse.

Now, you have the CHOICE to enforce these things with an iron fist, or you can try to get SS to come to these realizations on his own, or with your help a little more gently. That can make all the difference.

Get him excited about a hike. Get some maps, plan the trail. Get a book that shows the local wildlife you might see. Let him pick out the ingredients for some homemade granola, and let him help you make it. Get him a cheap compass for the trip (cheap at Eddie Bauer!). It'll start to become his idea. That's the trick. Not only for stepkids, but for all kids. I find myself trying to come up with creative ways to get things that I want done ALL the time, with both bio and stepkids.

Also, help him get excited about the baby. My stepkids were a little "removed" from the pregnancy, also because of the long distance. But when they were here, they went to ultrasounds with us, and helped pick out stuff for the room. They poured over baby name books with me. They were 10 and 13 at the time. They now both have VERY close relationships with their baby sister (who is now 5). None of our kids (his, mine & ours) call each-other "1/2" or "step"...they are just brothers & sisters. So it is do-able, but it takes some work.

If you handle this sticky situation the right way, you will be the "cool bonus Mom", instead of the "evil step monster". I have a fantastic relationship with my stepkids. We've had a few little bumps in the road, but nothing we couldn't work through.

nicksmom - THANKS! I'll try that and see if it works. :)