Very refreshing to hear an SP who wants MORE involvement with an SK! You sound like a very caring person. I say fight hard to have the visitation schedule upheld, even if it's you who takes the active role in this. (Just by doing that sends a clear message to SD that you care.) But when I say "fight", try not to let the situation with BM turn into a war that could devolve into it being all about you & BM. I know: easier said than done to avoid getting dragged into nastiness. Maybe for the sake of SD you could apologize to BM for whatever you feel you did/said wrong, even if it feels icky to ahve to do so. I think, in time, if you're persistent about the visitation, you will form a strong & loving bond with SD.

Hi calimom,

I think Serenity gave some very good advice, however Dad should be the one to be persistent in visitation. You should be persistent with him.

If there is a history between BM and yourself, I would try to iron that out but do not step on any toes.

BM and myself communicated ONLY via email, which is I'm sure why things went downhill FAST. At the end of all the emails, I did apologize, but quickly changed email addresses so that she could not respond. I figured it was better to have DH communicate with her directly, and for me to stay out of the picture. Is this still the case, if I want a more REAL relationship with SD?

I can totally relate to OP, albeit from the position of a serious GF, not a wife. I have often wondered how to build a long-distance relationship with my BF's two young daughters. They know that I care about them, because their mom knows it too. I send them cards in the mail, "e-cards" via their mom with little pictures to look at, etc. I always say hi via BF, who is on the phone with them constantly.

Whenever we spend time together we have a blast, even though I feel somewhat awkward not having much experience with kids and being childless myself (I am 29). But then so many months pass before I see them it's like starting all over again.

It's hard for me to talk to young kids on the phone, especially when there is not already such a strong bond there! It feels a little random, like "Sooo...., ?"

I talked about this in a previous post entitled something like "custody disruptions due to distance" from earlier this year. Wish they didn't live 8 hours away by car and wish they came to our place more. Would be happy to listen in on the advice.

I have some ideas that help me keep in touch with kids that were close to my little girl.
Always take alot of pictures when together. Take professional & alot yourself. Those will be fun memories for her to look at. Make scrapbooks of your family & send her some fun scrapbooking material like stickers, stamps, fun scissors, & paper. I have my boys hold up signs & take pictures. Can you & DH hold up an "I love you" sign & mail to her? Do you have a webcam? Sometimes Webcams can be fun. Do you know her interests? Some girls love to receive flowers at school. I just sent one girl flowers(favorite color) & balloons. I think it makes them feel special. Find out if her school has a memory book. Parents can write a poem for their kids. Does she have email or myspace? Does she like Neopets or anything like that. You can get her an account & you both get pets & take care of them. Find something of interest for the both of you & mention it to her. That might give you something to talk about on the phone. Try emailing first & finding her interests. Oh yeah...kids love things that are in & Hannah Montana is in for little girls. How about a pillowcase with Dads picture on it, & an "I Love You". A Build a Bear with a special message you both have recorded. Also, if you ever get the opportunity, say real nice things about the BM. Even if you can't stand her. Think of anything positive to say, and say it. "Oh your mom is pretty & you got her...hair, eyes etc. If I were you, I would try real hard to help the relationship DH has with her. I think that was my job as the SM & my obligation as the BM to do that for my children. I think many moms are very special and talented that way(some aren't). I feel for you being long distance & for her. It's a tough situation to be in & it's not fair to the little girl, BM, you, or BF. I think the custodial parent has alot of influence in those situations. If she's not selfish she will nurture a good relationship between her little girl & you & Dad. If she's selfish & doesn't like you, good luck...as the little girl will probably not like you either. My little girl was young so I definetly influenced the relationship the best I could. I gave my daughter $50.00 of the child support each month saying it was from her Dad & she could spend it on herself, donate, or relatives. We chose Dad cards on holidays. Called several times during week(slow times). She had his picture hanging up in the bedroom which I framed. I really believe in the long distance situation the custodial parent can make it work or break it & the noncustodial deals with the outcome of the circumstances.

Before my DH got custody of my SD she lived about 4 hours away - too far to make it down for attending the day to day stuff. I sent down goodie bags to her school for the halloween party since we couldn't be there to help at it. I sent a new outfit and hair ribbons for the first day of dance, and we enrolled and paid for her to go. If we were out somewhere and I saw something of interest I would take a picture and send it to her with a little note about what it was and that we would love to show her in person next time we saw her. The other thing I would do is send prepaid and addressed manilla envelopes so she could mail us artwork or schoolwork she wanted to share. She loved doing that and then waiting for us to call and tell her how great it was. I then kept it all in a scrapbook on the coffee table and she could see it all on display when she came. I also made sure there were lots of pictures of her around the house; pictures of she and dad, the three of us, her with grandparents, etc.

I think if you started with things like that which don't require her to talk or respond but let her know you are thinking about her it could go a long way. Why not send a little "thinking of you" card because you saw a red tulip and knew that was her favorite flower, or something along those lines?
If you can show her you think of her and miss her when she is gone and that she is very much a part of your life every day it would probably go a long way. I can understand how it would be hard to feel close to a dad you don't see much, so a step mom would be even harder. Proud of you for making the effort!

I think it's odd that visitation time is 'shared' with BM's parents. If BM wants to fly out with her, that's fine. However, there should be a schedule of time that your DH has his daughter without dealing with BM or her parents. If she wants to come a few days early or stay a few days longer so her parents get to spend time with SD, then fine, but it shouldn't interfere with your DH's time. If the current order is vague on specific times, then get it nailed down and specific.

One of the things I did when my husband and I were dating is I would take SD for an hour or two, just girls. We'd go shopping or have an ice cream & talk. It was not too much time to take away from dad but enough time to bond a little. Of course, when he moved in with me, I had two or three hours everyday on his weeks to spend with her.

Thank you all for the great advice! I definitely thinking starting small, with the cards and pictures, would be a nice way to let SD know I'm thinking of her. I will try to make her next visit in April a memorable one as well, with lots of pictures of the two of us.

YES, the visitation schedule is horrible! The court agreement is VERY vague....

"""" FATHER SHALL HAVE THREE PERIODS OF VISITATION EACH YEAR AS FOLLOWS; 1) SUMMER FOR ONE MONTH IN
CALIFORNIA; 2) EACH SPRING SCHOOL BREAK, AND; 3) ONE WEEK EACH WINTER SCHOOL BREAK.
-
DURING VISITS IN CALIFORNIA, THE MINOR CHILD SHALL BE MADE AVAILABLE TOTHE MATERNAL
GRANDPARENTS SEVERAL TIMES EACH WEEK TO ADDRESS CONCERNS RAISED IN THE FAMILY COURT SERVICE
REPORT. """""

See what I mean? I would TOTALLY understand if we had SD for an entire month in the summer that she should visit with her maternal grandparents, but we've NEVER had her for an entire month. Last year, SD, BM and her husband and their 3 children all came out for the winter and spring breaks and stayed with maternal grandparents. SO it was very hard to convince SD to spend time with us, when of course she wanted to go to "Legoland" with her brother and sisters. I would like to change the agreement, but BM made false accusations of un-fit parenting the last time we went to court. And also lied about SD attending a private school. So now we pay more in child support for this so called "private" school when SD attends a public one and receives free child care by BM's DH's mother, who they live with. Frustrating. My DH does not like to get upset, he just goes with whatever BM tells him. So if SD is coming to visit in April, and BM wants to fly with her and therefore making SD not want to stay with us, so be it, according to DH. He feels it's easier that way, but I feel it's worse for his relationship with his daughter.

So many ideas here, especially from mistihayes - thank you so much! I thought I did a lot, but now I realize there's so much more I could and should do...thank you, thank you sincerely.