very long: accepting and coping with the toxicity of a parent

15 years ago

My story is very long and painful. I'm the oldest of three kids, and my parents' only daughter. My brothers are a year and three years younger than me respectively.

Long story short: My youngest brother is Mom's favorite child. The "golden one". He can do no wrong. She will fight for him, defend him and "protect" him from the minutest scrapes while at the same time punish, abuse, tease, denigrate and treat me like she never gave birth to me but picked me off of the streets. She even told me (I was around 13 at the time) that she made me feel bad about myself just because she thought that by doing so, she was "evening things out" and "compensating him" for his "weaknesses". It wasn't "fair" in her eyes, to have two strong children and one weak one, so in the interest of "equality", she would weaken me to "make things fair and square" - someone needed to be BELOW her golden boy in the pecking order and since she couldn't weaken my other brother, she would weaken me! Can you believe that she actually told me this to MY FACE?

Incidentally, this is EXACTLY how HER Mother treated her - Grandma, according to her, made things "even" between Mom and her younger sister, Grandma's favorite. Grandma's father apparently treated Grandma's older, motherless half-sister as his "special girl" because she had lost her Mom young while Grandma and her full siblings (whose mother was around) were forced to toe their big sister's line because... GASP! their Mom was still around while his oldest's was not. So, this dysfunction goes back a few generations but will stop with me.

Anyway, I suffered all my childhood due her abusive favoritism. My so-called "Dad" is a real piece of work, too - he would whip me if I so much as protested the partiality - Mom would start screaming at me and he would fetch a whip and give me a licking.

After years of this, I FINALLY got away from the insanity. I found a good job, married a decent guy, and had my daughter. Around the time my child was born, Mom extended the olive branch to me. I took it eagerly, BELIEVING she had changed and truly wanted a relationship with her grand-daughter. WRONG. She was only interested in being in my life because her sister found out about her estrangement and began to tell Mom how she could never get along with any other female etc. So she wanted to act loving with me just to prove a point to her hated sister!

Then, of course, her golden sons married and things went rapidly downhill from there. My MIL is a bit of work all by herself. So much so that DH & I moved far away to be away from her. In the meantime, my brother married a woman whose widowed mother lived in my MIL's neighborhood. The two women quickly became "best friends". DB's MIL began to believe everything that my MIL told her about DH & me. When DH & I bought a house far, far away from MIL, DB's MIL called my Mom up asking her how I could abandon my MIL - after all, elderly people need their adult kids' moral and emotional support and we had broken my poor MIL's heart. How dare I "steal" an old woman's son away from her???

Mom promptly told me this. From then on, our relationship quickly deteriorated. I blasted SIL's Mom and told Mom that she should have told her off. After all, this is a woman who has NEVER lived near her own MIL and whose daughter (SIL) does not live to close to HER in-laws (my parents), either. Mom got mad when I told her that she should have stood up for me. Apparently, she was getting tired of "playing nice" with me and so told me that not only will she not hear anything against her poor son and his poor wife but also that I was a mean hag for even suggesting that she should have hauled B's MIL over the coals during her phone conversation with "Mom". "Mom" went on to claim that her poor weak son couldn't possibly deal with all the hatred I was pouring on his "family" and that I have always been a "bad seed" who had hated her precious son from birth (!) and that she would not permit anything said not just about him but also about his interfering hag of a MIL!

After that rant, I cut her off. I never called her and kept a distance from her but she began to accuse me of all sorts of things via email and phone calls (left on my answering machine). She even accused me of being after her money and how "everything" is for her golden sons and how I won't see a dime etc! In one such email, she told us that we were her greedy "poor relations"!!

My DH at that point had enough. We moved, changed our phone number (unlisted new number) and blocked her from our email ids. This was all a couple of years ago - contact was limited to a couple of cards during the holidays with our pictures. Last week, I emailed her a holiday e-card with pictures of my daughter from a Christmas party. OUT OF THE BLUE (usually, our cards are not acknowledged!) she emailed me back saying not to send any more photos of my kid! BTW, she dotes on my brothers' kids and thinks they are the cat's whiskers!

Frankly speaking, I am stunned and hurt more than I have ever been hurt before. I can even get over the hatred she has for me - I am used to it - but I have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea that she seems to even hate my DAUGHTER to the extent that she doesn't even want to see her pictures once a year?!!!!! The walls of her house are simply PLASTERED with pictures of my niece and nephews. I just cannot believe that even someone as abusive as she is would transfer her poisonous dislike of me onto my innocent little girl. What has my daughter ever done to this woman?

How do I get over this hurt? I never want anything to do with this woman again. I am expecting my second child, a boy, in a few months' time and she does not know. She may not even know unless my MIL tells her - but I have chosen to keep that safe distance from her for my babies' sakes.

Another issue is that my daughter occasionally asks about Grandma. Till date, I have always changed the topic very deftly. I would call a friend of mine and put DD on, so she would forget about talking to Grandma for a little bit. It has always worked. She is not even 4 years old, so her attention span is quite limited. At other times, when she won't give up wanting to talk to Grandma, we call DH's aunt and pretend that she's talking to my "Mom".

I see now what a HUGE mistake it was to allow her access to my daughter (during the time we had an uneasy truce). I cannot expose my daughter to her toxicity, now that she had made it clear that she harbors ill-will toward my child. It was bad enough that I had to suffer all of my life with her, I'll be damned if I put my kids through this. My son will NEVER have a relationship with her - at least until he's 18 and can take his own decisions - but my little girl's queries about "Grandma" breaks my heart.

Please help. How do I explain this to my young daughter (she's not even 4)? In addition, will I ever find peace with the idea that I have been motherless all of my life? It's so difficult to accept that the woman who calls herself my "Mom" is a hollow shell of a failed human being. But how do I deal with it?

If you're still reading this post, thank you for your patience (this is a VERY long message) and for any words of advice that you might have for me.

-A VERY hurt and wounded daughter

Comments (11)

hurtdaughter
Original Author
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Just realized that this post does not belong here but on another forum titled 'Estrangements'. I'm new here and just went through all of the older posts. I apologize... and will put my post up on the Estrangements forum. Sorry for the inconveninece.
mom2emall
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Don't worry. I have been here a long time too and usually post on another forum. I saw a thread on here about estrangements and I added my painful story and then people commented on how I should not have! Way to help me feel better!

Anyways I am sorry about your situation. It sounds so painful and my heart goes out to you.
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dotz_gw
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I hope you both feel better..I dont even have the courage to post, due to the judgemental posters who feel theres just too much estrangement posting going on....
imaginny
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
dotz,

The threads on family estrangements have been on this forum for years. On every public forum on the internet there are people who judge others and aren't shy about sharing their opinions. The opinions are only their opinions and have more to do with them than with you or anyone else. It's a shame if you let a stranger's (or anyone's) opinion control what you do. Especially if it is something that is important to you.

One option is to ignore whatever you don't like and do what you want to do.
bobosfriend
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Hurtdaughter, please do not lie to your daughter about her grandmother. She will learn at some point in time that the person she thought was her grandmother on the phone was not. Think about how she will look at you when she finds that out.

Children, even very young children, are very intelligent and they know when something is wrong in a family. You cannot hide it from them.

I would venture that there is something much deeper going on here and that it would behoove you to figure out what it is before any more harm is done to anyone.
discotrish
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
"Grandma isn't well..."(and hasn't been, for years!) Good friends are better than bad relatives.
flowergardenmuse
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
hurtdaughter,

I think counseling would be a good option for you. Find a licensed clinical social worker or psychologist or ask your doctor to recommend one. I think it would be the best investment you will ever make--investing in yourself, your children and husband/marriage. Why some people are reluctant to take this step is a mystery to me--for so many it would be the wisest decision they could make.

It sounds like your mother could have a personality disorder (you could research these online). She does't sound emotionally well. She did you and your brothers a great disservice by creating this situation. A similar situaiton probably existed in her family of origin. I would also urge you to start doing some deep research. There are some great books, even one about overcoming toxic parents and their legacy--the author is susan forward. You can check it out on Amazon.com and look at the editorial reviews.

Your mother's parenting style was/is a reflection of how she was raised, whether you are aware of this or not. Unfortunately she acted out her own issues with her parents on her children. Parents learn their style of parenting from their parents--this is what happens and the cycle repeats itself with each generation, despite people's best intentions.

If you feel breaking off communication is a healthier step for you to take in the present--to get yourself emotionally healthy, then do so. It does't have to be a permanent situation. Eventually, you may want to re-establish communication. In the meantime, research, read, learn and then when you are ready try to take what you've learned and take steps to reconnect.

I understand your desire to protect your daughter, however I believe that children are far more preceptive than what adults give them credit for. I wouldn't deceive your daughter as that could pose problems down the road. That is another reason why I suggest talking to a professional. Best of luck to you with this situation.
bnicebkind
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Hurt daughter... I stumbled across a book titled: "The Betrayal Bond: Breaking free of Exploitive Relationships" on Amazon. I have not read it yet, but those who have, are raving over this book, and say it is life changing. Read the reviews too, as they will give you insight that will be helpful.

Also, pull up Mark Sichel.com He writes about painful family relationships. I am hoping that as you search for healing, that perhaps this will get you started on the path to finding peace in the midst of the pain, and injustice of it all.

He will also talk about how to find a "good" therapist, and identify a bad one, should you choose to look for personal healing through a professional. I believe with the right therapist, you will find that peace. Also, the church may also help you find your way to peace, through the hurt and rage, you must be feeling. We all look to our parents to be that source of unconditional love. To have a parent who is so flawed, and unable to love, is beyond comprehension. But we know that many such people exist, and have children.

Search out those who can help you find peace, so that the hurt and anguish, rage and injustice do not overwhelm you, and cause your heart to grow bitter. Do not let her rob your self worth, your peace, or your joy in life. See her for who she really is, not who you wish her to be.

Try to blossom into the kind of woman you wish to become, and grow in understanding and grace, as you search and read and learn and grieve with others who have walked the path of painful family relationships. As you search, it is my hope for you that you find peace, in spite of it all.
flowersnow
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
My aunt told me once that you can pick your friends but you can't pick your relatives. Talk about a light bulb moment. I haven't spoken my dad since (negative, spiteful, cruel, violent, damaged person).

We can not change other people. We are only in control of our own actions.

You are TOTALLY right in not wanting to expose your children to her. I hope things are going well. Protecting your babies should give you peace and comfort.
liesbeth
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Hi hurtdaughter,

After all that good advice I'd also like to recommend, just like some other posters said, that you check up on Personality Disorders. There's a forum that I know that adresses Borderline Personality Disorder (www.facing-the-facts.net). They recommend a few good books on that website like "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Christine Ann Lawson. Have a look on the website, there's a lot more info there to get you started.

Wishing you all the best, and it's just wonderful to hear that you yourself are not repeating the vicious circle (hope my spelling is ok here). You should be very very proud of yourself. Big Hug!!!
straycat_wandering
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I am so very sorry to hear how your mother has caused you so very much pain. I also agree there is something very wrong with her and that you should check into "borderline personality disorder." I also wonder if the real reason she is so different with you than your brothers isn't a Problem with women in general...(what your aunt said about her "getting along" the problems with her sister)...Some women as unreal as it sounds are jealous of their daughters. I know that my own mothers said to me many times she always like men better then women...and so it is.
I was also raised by a very abusive mother who is very cruel. I was always able to "endure" her until she became a wedge between myself and my children-whom she has fought for "control" over since they were born. (Control-bad, bad and so so sad) . She has now succeeded and now I have had to completely cut her out of my life in order to keep any degree of hope alive for my broken spirit...
Believe it or not-she still calls and leaves messages saying she can't imagine what is wrong...I know she knows. In fact in one message she asked; "did someone let something slip?" Gosh...more cruelty than I can handle. So-the moral of this story is: If you have to in order to protect yourself, you're marriage and your children-say goodbye...Because we all have choices and she can seek help if she wants to change and be a part of your life...but always protect yourself and your children-especially your children because as old as mine are and as educated and intelligent-they just don't see the truth...
It's hard I know giving up on a relationship...but you can only help yourself and your family-you cannot make her see her problems. Good luck to you and take care. and feel free to email me anytime.
stray

very long: accepting and coping with the toxicity of a parent

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hurtdaughter
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very long: accepting and coping with the toxicity of a parent

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hurtdaughterOriginal Author

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hurtdaughter
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