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How many of you are custodial step parents?

18 years ago

It came up in another post and to be honest I can't remember who is and isn't. Everyone here knows my situation. I want to say IMA, Psuedo and MOM2EMALL also. Am I right and is there anyone else?

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Comments (24)

believer
18 years ago
I was a custodial step parent for 13 years during my first marriage....then a single mom of 2 for 12 years and now a custodial step parent again. DH and I have been married for 3 years. SD's bm died of cancer when sd was 6, she is now 10. Although I don't have to deal with the bm this time around I certainly had a doozy of one during my first marriage. I also would like to state that I don't refer to my sd as such in day to day life. She is my daughter. I also didn't refer to my sd in my first marriage as such. She is my daughter. It is only for clarification purposes here that I do so.

My 10 year old sd is from Ca. and all of her family is there.My dh has another daughter, 30, in Ca. and she is married with 2 kids. My 10 year olds bio moms family is very involved in her life and she spends summers in Ca.....That's my short bio. I also have a 20 year old daughter at home going to Cosmo. school and 16 son who is a Junior in high school. Their dad is not involved. My son refuses to see him........Thats quite a family isn't it!!!
mom_of_4
18 years ago
I am a custodial SM without the paperwork. According to the divorce decree DH has unlimited visitation with a min of eow and one night a week. Since the beginning this was not how it was. Infact, for a long time we had to fight with bm to get her to see her own kids. That is, with the exception of part of last year where BM decided she wanted to try and keep the kids away from us ((mostly due to her BF's influence and wanting CS)) Things are back to us having the kids most of the time and her wafting in and out for one reason or another... her and bf are breaking up keep the kids... she has to babysit keep the kids... she doesnt have the gas keep the kids... she has school keep the kids... well at least we know we are on top of things when they are with us and arent being deprived of them like she tried to do last year... :-)
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Look back on your own childhood and how you were parented. Is there a good example there? I was blessed with good parents who taught me about parenting by example. They made me feel valued and accepted for myself. Some people think they need to mold their children, make them into "something better." They mean well, bless their hearts. But you have to let children be themselves, learn about who they are, and figure out how to be their best selves. It doesn't mean you don't expect good things from them. It's a shift in thinking to "I know these kids do good things, and are capable of even more, and I'm watching for that" instead of watching for the mistakes to criticize. I have spent time with many other mothers. Some of whom I admire very much b/c of how they relate to their kids. I learn from them and try to model what they do when I notice something I really like. I remember noticing one mother whose kids were great little people, not just well-behaved, but really happy, well-adjusted kids. The thing that stood out to me was the mutual respect. She talked to her kids the way she wanted them to speak to her and to others. Of course she corrected them, but she corrected them the way an adult would *want* to be corrected by, say, an employer. With respect and a goal in mind. Once when I was preggo with #1 I observed a mother in a store, total stranger, whose kids impressed me the same way. I complimented her and asked her for insight, telling her that what she had accomplished was my goal. Every time I ask a parent I admire, it always comes down to respect. Just because they are children does not give adults the right to belittle them, rudely criticize them, embarass them, and generally disrespect them. That's hurtful, and hurt kids cannot be their best selves. It's a good idea to find a moms' group to join. That saved me when my kids were young. The exchange of ideas and comraderie of knowing you're not alone is invaluable. You'll meet parents you like, and some you don't. But you can learn from all of them. If you see your husband's anger as part of the problem you really have to find a way to address that. You still have a long road ahead, so find a way to have these conversations. Does he think he's right in what he does? Or do you think he's also confused and without ideas? I know I don't always do the right thing with my kids (ages 7, 10, 13 and 16). I try, but I have bad days. So does my DH. If I don't like the way he handles something, I tell him later, when things are calm. It has taken practice to get to the point where we know which of us handles certain situations better and we let that one handle it. I'm better at handling school stuff. When our 16 y/o gets a low grade, I remind DH to look at the big picture before he acts rash. Is this one low grade among 10 good ones, or is there a pattern? DH is better at handling DS's social life issues, he knows how a guy thinks and is better at getting to the truth with DS. Parenting takes practice, it really does. The fact that you are thinking, questioning and trying to make adjustments is a good thing; it doesn't mean you're failing. When your kids are babies and toddlers and you are physically exhausted, not sleeping, can't close your eyes or take a shower- people tell you "It gets easier." They are just trying to make you feel better for the moment. It does NOT get easier. The issues of that age pass, but it just gets hard in new ways. Emotionally exhausting ways instead of physically. ;o) Not to scare you, just acknowledging the truth of it. If you were expecting this to come easier, but it's not, it is not a comment on YOU, but rather on the challenge of parenting.
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"I feel for your SD because it must be crushing to have to relearn all over again that her mom does not care to be involved in her life. It seems that SDs will always give the BM the benefit of the doubt and will forgive and think they might actually come through this time, so it is like a fresh cut each time. SD wants BM to be if not involved at least more interested, and in our case, SD does not know where her rage comes from, but I know it is from not getting the attention from the one person she wants it from the most. I have told DH, I am here - I am the one doing the raising, disciplining, loving (as hard as that can be sometimes), but it does not matter because she needs her mom. Let me clarify, she needs who she wants her mom to be. Her mom talks a good game to SD but getting her to follow through is difficult." EXACTLY!!! Thank you mama22 for sharing. Sylvia~ DH & BM shared 50/50 custody without a court order until SD was in 2nd grade. During that year, BM threatened DH for the umpteenth time that she was going to take SD away & not let him see her because he didn't do what she wanted. I take the blame in sharing my experience in family law... I told him he has RIGHTS but without a court order, she very well could take SD & he had nothing to say he has a right to see her. So, after the third time she threatened him with that, he filed to get his rights on paper. She immediately filed for full custody & child support. (He didn't file anything for child support because if they both have 50/50, they are each supporting her the same... but the issue of support was brought by BM initially) She spent the duration of the battle (about 6 months) telling SD how "daddy is trying to take you away from me" and reassuring her that she won't let that happen. She tried to manipulate the therapist, got SD to tell the therapist that she really wanted to just live with BM... but then SD had no explanation of why. Then three weeks after their trial & DH getting his court order for 50/50, BM moved during DH's week & kinda dropped SD in his lap saying she couldn't take SD with her so she's gonna let him have her "temporarily" and that devastated SD. Within a few months, SD was telling classmates she was moving with BM & saying her goodbyes. BM was telling her how we took her away but that she was going to get her & she was going to go live there with BM. It was all lies. During the first year, BM canceled weekends which only made SD more emotionally upset. We would make plans to do fun stuff to keep her mind off it, but SD would spend the whole time talking about "if my mom was here ______" and though she was in counseling, she refused to open up. Instead, she said what she thought everyone wanted to hear. She got bad about lying to her second counselor, pretending everything in the world was fine... she doesn't NEED counseling. But, all along, BM has been the one keeping it alive. When she would come get SD, she would always (yes, every time) show up hours early & sign her out of school early. SD wasn't doing real well to begin with because of her emotional stuff dealing with BM moving away so suddenly. Finally DH told her she had to let SD finish the day in school because she is falling behind & needs to be there as much as possible. It wasn't convenient for BM to wait around so that's when BM started sending grandma to get her. That was three years ago. DH took BM to court a year later asking that only BM may pick up SD. Grandma was picking her up & taking her to BM (sometimes keeping her instead too) but BM was not giving her much attention, which caused the emotional problems to get worse... so DH figured if he got an order forcing BM to come get her, she would either drive up to get her (showing she cared) or cancel more time, which was kinda what we were hoping. We did not want to ask the court to cut off BM's time because all along, BM has been feeding SD lies that we are just trying to remove her from the picture & that would have seemed true if he tried to cut off BM's time. We've tried involving her in activities so she would rather be here than with BM... none of it has worked. BM has insisted all along, SD will eventually live there. I think SD stopped trying in school because she figured it doesn't matter because she's going to be leaving to go live with mom anyway. As long as BM continues to feed SD lies & false hope with promises, and as long as SD believes (or wants to believe) BM will follow through, it feels as if we are stuck. It seems like SD knows her mom is full of it, but she's not ready to admit it or face it. I think it has been a very slow process but seeing mom have another baby that not only gets to live with her, but since the baby is the string to holding on to the BF, BM appears to dote on him to SD (plus babies need all the attention too). Personally, I think BM schleps him off on others most of the time but doesn't want us to know that so she dotes on him around SD, which only makes things harder for her because she has struggled for years to get mom to pay attention to her & her mom, in trying to show us what a happy family she has with BF & baby, it's probably a knife through SD's heart each time. SD is realizing that BM is probably never going to seek custody of her and have her live there, especially now that they had to move from a fairly huge 4 bedroom house to a 2 bedroom mobile home. and Friday, SD saw that mom could care less what happens to her as far as school goes. I think SD knows that she won't be living with BM next year & BM says "I don't care if she has to repeat 6th grade again!" I mean, I don't always get along well with her & I do come across as harsh sometimes, but I care what happens to her. I think it's important for her to have an education & the biggest reason I am in favor of holding her back is because DH told her that if things don't improve, and if she keeps getting F's in multiple classes, he would have to hold her back because it indicates she is not ready to do more advanced work. But we don't WANT to see her held back, we want to see her work habits get better because each year, the assignments get harder. The bottom line is DH said it will happen if she continues to lie about finishing or turning in her work. She just admitted that she goes to a morning tutor class where she's supposed to bring questions about math & get an understanding so she can improve, she admitted she goes to the class & just sits there. Well, we all have been getting up an hour early twice a week for her to go so she can get help understanding math but her grade actually went down since she started it. We understand she has problems but she also needs to be at least trying, but she's been giving lip service and holding her back is a last resort. BM didn't want to discuss options to help her... so seeing her mom has an "I don't care" attitude, I'm getting hopeful she is going to come around. I saw something in her face I had never seen before and it just broke my heart. Another reason I think she and I have not been able to get along is that I think she knows that I don't believe or buy into her BS... she knows that I know what her mom is all about. I'm sure she knows much better because she is behind the scenes with her mom & hears her mom lying about stuff she knows about. She's now getting to the age where she's figuring out that mom lies to her the way she lies to everyone else. But, by no means have we been dragging BM into SD's life. Personally I think SD would be better off if BM would either step up or step off.. but this constant roller coaster she keeps her on is so hard on her. I don't know if that dynamic can be changed as long as SD fantasizes about living with her mom & BM keeps the dream alive with empty promises. We cannot financially afford to instigate a court proceeding to limit BM's contact, although it has been suggested that he seek supervised visits because of how BM discusses everything with SD. Me personally, I have been so frustrated I have welcomed the thought of SD going to live with her mom. AT least then she would see that it's not the fantasy that she has drummed up in her head. BM is focused on the new baby & trying to salvage her relationship with BF. I think deep down, SD knows it but still fantasizes that it would be different if she just lived there. 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I said the call was probably not UNPREVOKED...meaning I am sure you prevoked her. Well if you were married, or seriously involved with someone and your SO's ex was calling SO relatives, or having their child call him or his relatives, and telling them to exclude you I hardly doubt you would be happy about it! You would probably be frustrated too! It is not odd to expect that as someones SO you would be going to family/business functions with SO. And if the so's ex is complaining about you all over town, including to so's children, it would be frustrating. This woman may be TOW, but that was years ago and you should have started the healing process by moving on. Instead you constantly pull out your expense list when you get angry and you vent to your dd about her father and his gf. Again, I feel sorry for dd. It must be so hard on her to feel that she has to be loyal to you and stay away from dad and gf. You have put her in a very hurtful situation with your anger. And your exh also put her in a horrible situation by destroying her family. Poor girl.
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imamommy
18 years ago
Yes, I'm a custodial step mom of a 9 yr. old girl. Her mom is supposed to have her the first three weekends each month.

In a former life, I was also a custodial live in girlfriend/mom to mine & his for over seven years. His kids were 1, 4 & 6 when I arrived and 9, 12, & 14 when I left. Their mom came around once or twice a year for a few hours. I still keep in contact with the youngest (girl), the older ones (boys) well, one moved away with his girlfriend. The other has had more than a few problems. He's chosen a life of drugs and partying. From what I hear, their mother re-entered their lives when they were grown. They are 18, 21, & 23 now.

I'm also custodial mom to my three, now ages 18, 19,& 21. My 21 year old used to visit his dad & step mom. (so I have that angle covered) My younger kids never had a relationship with their father's and didn't start talking to them until they were over 18. Both have step mom's but don't see them at all. Both also have half siblings they don't know yet.
steppschild
18 years ago
DH's two DD's are adults, so technically no custody. They both chose to live w/DH when they were thirteen (now 20/24). The younger one is very immature/needy at times and she acts like 14 or 15 and it drives her dad nuts.
justnotmartha
18 years ago
I am - DH received emergency custody of SD when she was 5, and full after a year of a very nasty battle. She is 13 now, and refers to me as her 'real' mom. We're very close, and she does call me mom. She sees her biomom EOW.
newgardenelf
18 years ago
We have shared custody...Wed-Sun we have DH's two sons.
fiveinall
18 years ago
I am a full time custodial SM too....
DH has full legal and physical custody has since SD was an infant....I have raised her fulltime since she was three (10 now) BM has visitation but has not used it in almost a year....... I have been to every doctors appointment,parent teacher conference,been there for all the sick days,scraped knees and held her while she cried because BM didnt show up again....
I am the mom who raises/takes care of her and she also has a Bio mom who she visits (well is supposed to be able to visit..)
It is hard to find other custodial SMs to relate to because it is so rare...this is the only place I have found w/ other full time SMs......
It definately changes thing up a bit being a FTSM versus a EOW SM..you do everything a mom does every single day yet have no rights to your Step child (to enroll in school,in the event of your spouses death/divorce etc...) I would so love to see some laws changed when it comes to Full time Step parents..sorry enough of my rant!
doodleboo
Original Author
18 years ago
WOW....there are more of us on here than I thought. DOes Ceph have A_____ full time as well or was I wrong about that?
athlete2010
18 years ago
Hi Doodleboo,

My wife was the custodial parent when my stepkids were under 18. So, I guess that I would qualify.

We had the kids 5 days a week, and sometimes more.

Athlete
ceph
18 years ago
Nope, A__ is with us somewhere between a quarter and half the time.
We have had him for as long as three weeks straight, and gone as long as two weeks without him... It's widely variable, which I think is very hard on him.
Lately we have had him between 2 and 4 nights a week.

I wish our system was a bit more regular, but what we have worked out lately is that we have him when BM works doubles. This is good because then he can be with his mom when she is available, and with us when she is not. This maximizes time with both parents and minimizes time with Grandma.
Grandma has no rules, lets him eat microwave popcorn for breakfast, doesn't require him to bathe or do his homework, and so on. So it's not good for him to be there very much.

BM and I have talked about the times when FDH is on evening shifts and she works doubles. I said I am still happy to have A__ with me, even though FDH is at work, but if she would prefer he was with GM, I wouldn't be offended. She said that she would rather he was with me, because I do things with him and he has to behave himself. So, I sometimes have A__ just on my own; we have a good time and he is (usually) VERY well behaved for me.
lonepiper
18 years ago
I'm a full-time custodial stepmom to two teenage girls and I will soon be a first-time bio mother as well.
doodleboo
Original Author
18 years ago
Ceph-

I have no idea why I thought you and DH had A---- full time. Now that I actually think about it I do remember you talking about Mom and how there is a pretty good working relationship going on between the two of you. Who knows why it slipped my mind earlier....baby brain maybe:)

Lone-

I have two live in step daughters and I am also expecting my first Bio child:) Congrats on the baby!!!
lonepiper
18 years ago
Congrats to you also. I feel like I'm working backwards though - I'm good to go with teenage girls but I have no clue about babies!
athlete2010
18 years ago
Doodle and Lone,

Congratulations to both of you.

My wife and I have an 8 year old bio daughter, so I learned how to take care of a baby from my wife. Hopefully, your husbands will be a great help here.

Athlete
sweeby
18 years ago
Well, we had 'custody' of DH's adult son for a year and change when he didn't want to live with Mommy anymore but couldn't pay his own bills either... Guess that doesn't really count, though ;-)
doodleboo
Original Author
18 years ago
Sweeby- Oh god, don't start the adult children issue...hahaha. It is SUCH a pet peeve. Get a job Jr.

Thanks Athlete_- J has been uber supportive. He is fnatastic!
helpwiththis
18 years ago
I am also a custodial stepparent of a pre-teen girl. I am a custodial bio parent of another pre-teen girl. I do refer to them both as my daughters though. Only on here do I use the term sd.

We have sd full-time and bm pops in and out every so often. When she is in-between relationships she likes to play mommy for a few days. And when she is in a new relationship she tries to act like she is a good mom and calls. Other than that she pretty much stays away. She likes to party and have no responsibilities.
janemarie5
18 years ago
My husband has been the custodial parent for the past 6 years, they are now 22, 18 and 15. 22 Lives on her own, 18 has just left for college and 15 is home with us. They are all great girls, we have had our issues as I tried to find my balance between stepparent and custodial parent. The girls see their mom and have a pretty good relationship with her although the older two went thru a phase of not much communication but that has passed. 15 very close to her mom.

Bio mom and I do not have a good relationship, I am mature enough to admit/apologize to the mistakes I have made but she will never so we avoid each other at all costs.

And I resent that she has skirted her finanicial reponsibilities for years so I have paid for many things that she should have helped with.

I have always said that being a stepparent to custodial children is a very difficult balance... more difficult then being a bioparent as you have so many gray areas.
nicksmom
18 years ago
I am CSM, too. SD15 FINALLY got her wish! She now lives with us full-time. She will visit her mom every 4-8 weeks during the school year (long distance travel--several states away) and spend most of the summer with her. I was also CSM to her brother for 4 years. He, too moved here for high school, and just started college about an hour away. I am also bio mom to DS21, who is in college here, and DD5 who just started Kindy.

It's a wild and crazy life here!
catlettuce
18 years ago
At the time of our marriage DH had sole custody of 3 boys from when they were very young. They were young/teens when we married the eldest in college.

So yes I am a CSM to 2 boys, the eldest was already in college and on his own but we are close friends, I don't really "mother" him but we are close and I could talk with him about anything. The other two are living with us as adults.

I have one BS in college down south. Kids all get along fine. I had no issues with BM in parenting the boys as she didn't want to deal with parenting stuff. I took care of the broken arms, teaching to drive, school functions etc. Always made sure the boys took their dates over to take pictures with BM before proms and sent her photos etc..so am very lucky we had a cordial/very limited relationship.

I guess yes I am a CSM of grown ups! Lol.
wilburs1
17 years ago
Hi, This is my first time visiting this forum, and I am so happy to see so many others in great situations. My long term boyfriend and I are raising his two, teenage daughters, 13 and 17. We have all lived together in our house since July 2005 they were 9 and 12, the same year in Oct., their mother died from cervical cancer. I have always thought of his two daughters as my own, since I have never had bio-children. They are my kids, but they call me by my first name. My BF and his youngest daughter have not ever seen eye to eye, and hit a crescendo her 6th grade year when she FALSELY accused him of child abuse to school authorities. She has sooo many problems... pathological lier seems to rule. She and he have never been close, and her mother let her do ANYTHING she wanted from a very early age, due to behavioral problems. For the last two years, I have been basically the one who cares for her concerning 90% of parenting. The good thing is that she and I get along great. But, it feels like she does it to see what she can get out of me. I purchase all of their clothing, encourage them to try new things, to be their best. My BF has been a hands off dad now, afraid she will accuse him of other, more terrible things. CPS can RUIN your life. He and I are in the position of mandatory reporters and her false accusations have had far reaching ramifications, even if they do not have substantial evidence, you are GUILTY and go on the US list of child abusers and your name does NOT come off. We tried to fight it legally, $10,000 later, she went back to the school officials and said it was not true, which appeared to them, we coherst her to resending her accusation. Anyway....I'm sure the amount of care I am involved with my SDs day to day is evident-we talk about everything from how they feel about losing their Mom, to boys and friend problems. The youngest SD will, on big events in her life conveniently leaves me out. Not that she doesn't want me there, and I am. She blanks me out of being there in her mind. Her dad, her sisters, her Godparents-everyone will be included in her thank you, everyone, but me, because in her mind I wasn't there. I threw her a surprise Hawaiian birthday -pool party-sleep over. Got her the electric guitar she wanted, etc... I did not do this for her to feel in- debited to me. I wanted her to have fun and have something to remember, look back with fond memories. She thanked her 14 year old sister for doing everything. Examples as such fill my last three years with her. My mom tells me she will look back and realize. Her dad spoke to her once about how I seem to be invisible to her and she had no good answer. She just clammed up. I feel like I am being taken advantage of, but on the other hand, I really enjoy seeing their faces light up, no matter who does what. I just would like a thank you and know they appreciate what I do for them. How to approach/deal with these issues?? Help.
gajopa
17 years ago
What *I* would do is quit doing anything but the necessities until she starts appreciating what you do. I don't have much patience with kids that think they are "entitled" to everything.
rowzthoarns
17 years ago
I am a custodial SP. DH has 3 children, BM takes kids every other week for a few evenings. She's a real pain! She continues to try and ask kids questions about the baby DH and I are having together- DH told her to buzz off about it!
jerseystepmom
17 years ago
I am too. I have had my 17 y/o SS living with me and my husband since he was 13. Though his mother, who lives 2 hours away, will be quick to tell you that they "have joint custody" (legally, but that's about it......).

It is tough.......especially with a difficult BM.

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