How many Birth parents are grateful?

keepitmovin

18 years ago

How many BMs and BFs appreciate the SMs and SFs that are positive and loving role models in their childs life?

I read a lot of resentment and anger. but rarely do i see appreciation.

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Comments (20)

imamommy
18 years ago
I'm grateful that my son's step mom was kind to him. I'm not sure how positive of an influence she was because she later got involved in drugs and went to prison, but when my son was around her, he was taken care of and happy. I'm glad for that. She hated me but she treated him like he was her own, so for that I have to give her some respect.
mom2emall
18 years ago
I appreciated that my stepparents were good to me growing up. My mom and sd divorced years ago but I am still close to him and his family-they always treated me as family and still do.
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callmerae, I got interrupted, so I'll continue... About treating kids the same. The kids are different, I'm the same. One child could have a strong willingness to please, and that child would be very sensitive to punitive treatment and be very hurt. Whereas another child may have experienced a lot of turmoil in their young life, and be somewhat immune to punishments. (punishment was never in my parenting dictionary) What may benefit one child, may not benefit another. One child will be more insecure than another--I think that you need to be aware of the child to the extent that you are able to help a child. For instance, if an older child doesn't brush their teeth, you wouldn't handle the same behavier (or lack thereof) as a much younger child. What I mean to say is that I believe in logical consequences. I also believe in asking for forgiveness when I realize I've been wrong. That still happens. I also learned to take my time and think things through before I would make up my mind about something. My kids and I had an agreement that before they would come to me about something--that they needed to have all their facts. I couldn't make decisions if I didn't have all the facts. Of course, I'm now talking about older kids. Sometimes I would ask my kids what they thought should be done. I would let them choose their own consequence. They liked that, and it was fine with me. Guess what! It worked. If my kids didn't clean their room, I closed the door. The room would get so messy that I finally would call them into the room and say, OK--I'll help you. Then I would sit there and just point to something and say, OK, now put that away. I might have done a little--but just enough to let them know they had help. That's how so many things got done around our house. I helped them and they helped me. Sometimes things didn't get done in a timely fashion--but stuff got done--and years go by and who gives a good gosh darn. Your relationship with the children and your husband is much more important than any household chore. Believe me!!! Sometimes I would sit at the table at night trying to figure out how I could get them to feel like a part of things. Some ideas worked, most didn't. LOL But you see where I am going with this. The kids have to see how they fit into the picture--how they can predict what's going to be happening. They need to know that they matter. I sure didn't always do what my kids wanted--good grief. But there were lots of things that they were able to have some input. They liked that a whole lot!!! Callmerae, I think that we assume our kids know what we mean, when so often there are words that they don't understand. This is especially true with the ages in your home (and younger). Another thing...when you talk to a kid, be in front of them--kneel to be at their eye level, or sit together at the table, or put their buts down on the kitchen counter. But be at their eye level. Look them in the eyes. My one kid was very short, he used to set himself on the counter--did for years. Maybe it made him feel better. Now some people would feel threatened by that. I never did. When my kid got himself up on the counter to talk to me--I knew he meant business. LOL (an old lesson) Talk to them in a way that they know you are--being funny, being silly, being serious, being angry--but communicate. Don't call out orders or reminders from a distance. Get their attention. If you think you are being ignored--tell them so, in a nice way. Ask a child to tell you back what it is that you want of them--not in a punitive way--but because you want to be sure you are communicating. Most of all, make sure you are giving them positive attention every day. Don't assume that children appreciate you--and don't expect it. If they should, then you know that child is very sensitive. But just don't expect a child to understand the turmoil you are feeling, or appreciate the fact that you are at odds with the dad, AND children shouldn't not be hearing about private matters between you and your husband. Don't forget, the way you and your husband talk to each other will be mirrored by your children in the future. You are teaching them the tools they'll have to fall back on when they are older. When a kid does something right, or listen to you, or says thank you, whatever--always acknowledge their appropriate behavier. Say thank you often. When you have to say no, say it as kindly as you can--and don't repeat it. Let your no be no and your yes be yes. You may not agree with your husband. Perhaps if he sees that you are giving of yourself--as I already know you do!, he will come around. He has to think about it. Continue to learn and improve. Best to you.
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hecallsmemom
18 years ago
I appreciate my son's stepmom. She's a very kind woman who treats my son like he's her own on good days and on bad days, and believe me, there are plenty of both! I truly appreciate everything she does from driving 3 hours for a soccer game, to calling to check on him seperately of dad, to hanging out with him while he's bouncing off the walls during a medicine switch, to birthday parties. She's wonderful and my son adores her.

A Funny Story:

When my son was younger I got a call from his daycare one day about a song he'd made up about having two moms. I had to explain to his teacher that I wasn't a lesbian, he's got a step-mom and myself and he calls us both mom. LOL
nivea
18 years ago
I wouldn't say I appreciate SM #1. I think she took the appropriate role and was nice to my child. Then again, they only had visitation and saw my child rarely at that due to distance. However, I really liked her. I think she did what any SM is supposed to do in that situation, but because she didn't do less doesn't mean I need to appreciate her.

SM #2, nope no appreciation and I don't think she deserves it.
finedreams
18 years ago
it sounds like nivea has a number of SMs too. :)

I appreciated SM1 (10 years) because she treated DD nicely, and DD likes her. She was not mean or never showed any kind of preference towards her bioson. I also appreciated the fact that thanks to her DD has a brother. :)

But X left her. :( DD keeps in touch with SM1, but due to DD being grown and away to college it doesn't happen as often.

X has a new woman, I don't know her. DD just met her, she says she is nice but due to DD's age and geographical distance she won't be a huge part of DD's life. I am greateful once again though DD will soon have another sibling.:) 20 years difference...

Oh prior to SM1 X had a live-in GF for 5 years whom DD saw every weekend. She was nice to DD, I appreciated her being nice to DD, she was a little girl then.

All SMs are fine, intelligent and nice normal women, treat DD nice and DD gets along with them. I just wish X settled with one for life and stopped running around chasing women.

In a way i appreciate though that X never brought any mean or crazy women in DD's life. They are all nice. I also am pretty sure that as crazy as X is he would not let any women to mistreat DD.
nivea
18 years ago
Yep, and a whole lotta girlfriends who have tried to act like SM's in between.

Actually, SM #2 started dating ex before his divorce from SM #1 and immediately she started trying to rule the roost as TOW.
kkny
18 years ago
Maybe there is something about being TOW and immediately trying to rule the roost. Maybe it is fear that the tenure will be short. My Xs SO (yes TOW) called me up repeatedly this weekend to complain that my DD and I are in between her and a good relationship with X, including the fact that DD and I are preventing her from being accepted by his relations and businees colleagues. I was so speachless she hung up before I could say anything.
finedreams
18 years ago
Oh I wonder now if it is something about being TOW. Rule the roost.ha
Current woman of X-husband is TOW who he left his second wife for. She left her husband too (she has no kids, X has 2) As soon as they moved in together she got pregnant, within few months after X and her left their respectful spouses. I kind of wonder of her motives of getting pregnant right away, she was married to her husband for awhile and they had no kids.Hmmm. She could at least wait for his divorce. Now she knows she will stay for at least awhile, he won't leave right away. Will see.

kkny, this is awful. None of X's women ever called me. How can DD prevent her from being accepted. Did you tell your X that she bothers you? I am not TOW, but if I would start calling my SO's X and tell her that she prevents something (which she actually does indirectly) then I think SO would tell me to stop. And if I would say his children prevent anything he would certainly not like that! Tell your X. What a crazy woman!
kkny
18 years ago
How can DD prevent her from being accepted -- well with his family, she can say either her or me at dinners, etc. Now at the end of the day it is his call. As to work related things, neither she nor me have any pull. I suspect X wants to hide it from people that he was having affair. Who knows if she spoke to him first -- my guess, he said I cant do X or Y, it would upset DD. I told him she is not to call my house and I dont want DD left alone with her.
finedreams
18 years ago
If she is TOW, what else did she expect? Most children don't want to accept TOW ot TOM. Even grown children. Let alone young ones like yours. Did she expect to be loved and treasured? I wonder if this reltionship is goping to last...Doesn't sound so to me.
kkny
18 years ago
Dont know, dont care. X is well off, she doesnt appear to be working now. So my guess is he will do whatever he wants (not talking about physical violence etc.) and she will sit at the pool sulking.
mom2emall
18 years ago
Seems to me the post was supposed to be aboout appreciating stepparents. Why am I not suprised that others would turn it into a complaint party about how horrible stepparents or ex's so is? Funny that some people go as low as to suggest "with his(dads) family, she(dd) can say either her(dads gf) or me(xwife) at dinners"
and can even make the request " I dont want DD left alone with her" because she made a frustrated call, which I am sure was not unprevoked.

I feel sorry for dd. Sounds like she has become bm's pawn in this whole soap opera between bm, bd, and bm's gf. Sad to see kids used to get even!
cawfecup
18 years ago
I hope the pool is heated :)
kkny
18 years ago
Mom2emall,

Many of these threads morph, some by SMs complaining. As to your assumption that call was unprovoked, where do you get that from. DD hasnt seen Dads GF for months, what could she do to provoke? If she is frustated (as oposed to unstable), it has to do with her expectations.
mom2emall
18 years ago
I said the call was probably not UNPREVOKED...meaning I am sure you prevoked her.

Well if you were married, or seriously involved with someone and your SO's ex was calling SO relatives, or having their child call him or his relatives, and telling them to exclude you I hardly doubt you would be happy about it! You would probably be frustrated too! It is not odd to expect that as someones SO you would be going to family/business functions with SO. And if the so's ex is complaining about you all over town, including to so's children, it would be frustrating. This woman may be TOW, but that was years ago and you should have started the healing process by moving on. Instead you constantly pull out your expense list when you get angry and you vent to your dd about her father and his gf. Again, I feel sorry for dd. It must be so hard on her to feel that she has to be loyal to you and stay away from dad and gf. You have put her in a very hurtful situation with your anger. And your exh also put her in a horrible situation by destroying her family.
Poor girl.
kkny
18 years ago
Sorry re my typo, I realized you meant provoked.

I dont have any discussions with XMIL other than how is DD doing, etc. School atheletics. Normal Grandparent discussions. As to my complaining re her to my friends, I dont think we travel in the same circles, so how is this bothering her. My DD can make up her own mind. Your right, it was a couple years ago. In that time, if Dads SO wanted to build a relationship she could have. If she hasnt by now, and starts acting loony, not my problme. In short, if her life isnt what she wants, it is up to her and X. IMHO, she should have realized that there would be consequences. And her blaming others --
organic_maria
18 years ago
Have no appreciation for SM#1, she was crazy and mean to even her own kids when she lived with my dad.
SM #2. THE BEST!!! LOVE her all the way and still do. She loves my child now and is always welcoming in my home.
keepitmovin
Original Author
18 years ago
This was supposed to be an appreciation post, because we really don't have many here.

Its usually ok to vent, but please don't start attacking each other.
finedreams
18 years ago
mom2emall, I don't think kkny has that much influence on her X or X's family or even on her own kid. She isn't that powerful. If TOW cannot build a healthy relationship with kkny's X, I think it is very convenient that she blames someone else not herself or her SO. It is typical.

When my X left his 2nd wife for TOW, my XMIL almost had heart attack and his son didn't want to talk to him for a month, and DD told him "dad you lost your mind", and I can even imagine how my X's wife reacted, but he and TOW didn't break up because of that and are doing fine nonetheless and managed to mend relationship with everyone. So no kids or parents are powerful enough.

So if kkny's X and TOW are not having good relationship with each other and other relatives then they should stop blaming others but look into themselves better.
doodleboo
18 years ago
I am a Mama #2 to two beautiful girls. I will never get a sincere thanks from Bio-Mom and you know what? I don't care. I love my kids. Thats right...I said MY kids. I have my girls 80% of the time. I raise them like they are my own. Daddy even refers to them as "our children". I think being a bio-parent is a consequence to an action. You had sex so you got pregnant. It takes actions BEYOND that to make you a mother. Bio-Mom hates my guts because she still loves daddy. She ended the marriage mind you. She bad mouths us constantly in front of the girls (in the rare case that she has them). We never bad mouth her. Thats the girls mama and because we love the girls we take the higher road. In the end I only want whats best for them and thats having a relationship with ALL parents....thankless or not.

How many Birth parents are grateful?

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