There are some websites for people looking for birth parents or children they placed for adoption.

My sister put up a baby for adoption in 1949. I have known about it since I was about 10 years old and always so curious.

I posted on that website, what little information I had. Within 20 minutes, someone helped me find her. However, my sister is still living, and I don't think she would want to be found. Well, okay...I know she wouldn't want to be found.

But my niece lives less than 30 miles from me. Once
I found her name, I checked public records and found when she married and her husband's name, and her number was listed in the phone book, and her address. I don't think I will ever contact her, because it isn't my place to do that.

A niece found me last year when she turned 21. I haven't met her yet but I can see the resemblence to my sister. She's trying hard to have a relationship with her new found family and we (grandparents, her bio mom, me, etc.) really want to. I would like to go slow though, we have alot to catch up with. Even though she is our family we don't know her.

I'm not sure how she found my sister. Maybe through state records, the internet, info her mom had from the closed adoption. I'll ask her sometime.

Vikki, send me an e-mail, if you wish, please. I might be able to help you.

Let sleeping dogs lie. That being said, I am adopted. Both my parents are deceased (dad in 1980, and mom in 1994), and I have never had an urge to track down my "birth parents". Even after they both died, some people would say, "Now that your parents are gone, are you going to find your birth parents?". Huh? What absolute nerve and insensitivity, at least from my point of view.

"She has a good relationship with her dad, a rocky one with her mother."

I always had a stronger bond and an "easier" relationship with my dad than with my mom. I've always felt that just because I didn't always get along with my mother was no reason to "seek out" my birth mother/parents. What child/adolescent/teenager doesn't have a rocky time with either or both parent at one time or another? I get the sense that part of the reason she is on this quest is because of her relationship with her mother.
The difficult thing about adoptive or step-parent relationships is that it more or less gives the child an "out", a reason for seeking the "perfect" relationship. A step-father or step-mother might be viewed as the "bad" parent, just as the adoptive mother or father might be viewed as the "bad" parent. If she wasn't adopted, who would she look to for an escape? No one. She would have to deal with that parent (in this case her mother), come to terms with a less-than-perfect relationship, and find a way to have the best relationship with that parent as possible. It's so much easier looking for perfection and an easy way out than dealing with a sometimes difficult, sometimes unhappy and stressful situation. Her parents wanted her, loved her, and probably did the best for her that they could. There are no perfect parents, no perfect spouse, and no perfect friends. More often than not, it's what you put into a relationship that will determine what you get out of it.

Let sleeping dogs lie.There are no perfect children either and it might make the parents think they have made a mistake when all they have are ungrateful kids who are looking for a magic way to fix their problems.Be thankful that some adopted you and gave you a home to live in and someone to take care of you.Just my take on it.

Vickey,
Here is a link to a site for more information on adoption records in Minnesota. MN is one of the more restrictive states in releasing information other than medical info.

Here is a link that might be useful: Adoptions in Minnesota

My cousin gave up a daughter (she was a senior in HS). 20 some years later, the girl is wanting medical info, and contacted the place that handled the adoption. She was now married, and wanting to start a family, but wanted to know her medical background. Her adoptive parents still don't know that they've now met. It didn't take anything away from her love for her adoptive parents. She don't want to hurt them, or think she wasn't appreciative of all they'd done for her. She'd gone to college and become a teacher. She now has 3 children.
My younger sister and my cousin were very close at that time in HS, and still. My sister suggested my cousin update her info with the adoption place, just in case the daughter was looking for her. When cousin went to do that, they couldn't find her records/file. It was because the 'daughter' had inquired about the birth mother, and they'd pulled her files for info. Anyway, they've met. My cousins mom has pictures of her, and her hubby and kids. My cousin did the right thing by giving her up for adoption. But, it affected her all her life. I'm sure the 'daughter' had a better life where she went with her adoptive parents.
Leslie

I have a friend who found the DD she put up for adoption in the '60s. She then was able to tell the DD who her birth father was and the DD got to know him. I think my friend's DD was 25 when they met. Anyway, the DD is now married with a couple of children and my friend considers herself a grandma. This has worked for them, especially since my friend never married or had other children. It was hard for the adoptive mom to accept a second mom, especially at the DD's wedding.
I wish your DIL the best of luck finding her birth mom and I hope it works for them.

My DIL and her sister are both adopted. Her sister found her birth mother and visits have not turned out as well as she had wished for. DIL says she is "curious" but does not want to pursue finding hers.

Sorry I can't help you with some sites, but others here probably will be able to.

Go to The Seeker. Link below. Someone may be looking for her too. Then she has the option of following up, or not.
I found a half-sister my mom had given up for adoption 45 years ago and another half-brother that fell off the face of the earth 20 years ago. Both had posted looking for my mom.

Here is a link that might be useful: The Seeker

I am adopted and I found my family. For so long I wanted to know where I was from, my health history, do I have any siblings...funny this post is here now...I did not do so well getting in touch with them after I got the information because my families health is mentally unstable (no surprise there for me), they are french (I'm not) and I found it too hard to communicate.
I have been rethinking my behavior and feel it's time to try again to get to know them....once my life settles down a wee bit before I lose the contact I established 2 1/2 years ago.
Finding birth family is a very, very personal journey. My mother doesn't want to acknowledge me - it's my sister who was looking.
If DIL wants to find her birth family - it her personal decision. I got support from my family when looking which helped me emotionally.

Another thing to consider is this ~ your (I'm using "you" and "your" in a general sense) wanting to contact your "birth parents" might not be something they want. Be very careful about your motives. If it's for health reasons only, that's very specific and the reasoning is understandable. The personal contact might not even need to be an issue, only the seeking of medical background and information. But if it's an emotional need, that's something different altogether. If your "birth parents" wanted to seek you out and have a "relationship", I would think they would have taken the initiative (in most cases). There's a reason many adoptions are "closed". The privacy and emotional well-being of all parties involved must be considered, not just the emotional desires of one of the parties involved. And that goes both ways. A "birth parent" has no more right to seek out the child they gave up for adoption, either. More often than not, these situations don't have the happy ending people are seeking. Many times they do irreparable damage. I don't believe that just because someone is adopted gives them the "right" to contact and disrupt other people's lives. Adoptees have been given up for adoption for a reason. Don't lose sight of that because it is very important. Again, I believe in letting sleeping dogs lie.

As an adoptee I have always been curious about my birth parents, mainly for health issues. I always have to answer "don't know" in those questionnaires that ask if heart disease/breast cancer etc run in the family and it's a little bothersome. I also wondered about siblings- I have reason to believe I have an older half-brother- and who could donate an organ or whatever if I was to need one -just kidding, a bit. But that's something non-adoptees don't have to think about.
I'm not looking for any "relationship" as I think it would be as rational to grab some strange person off the street and call her "mom" or him "dad", though if my birth family wanted just to be friends or loosely keep in touch that would be fine.
But, you never know, my/anyone else's birth mother may have had a reason to give me up at the time (or the decision may have been made for her), but she may have regretted it all her life and be glad I looked for her. Feelings change over time and illegitimacy is no longer the deep shame it was 40 years ago.
I do know one lady who accidentally found her birth son- he was wearing a distinctive pendant she recognised- and both were glad to meet and be friends. She wasn't trying to usurp the adoptive mother or anything and they all got on well together. Sadly soon after he was killed in a car accident and now both women mourn him- but at least she knows what happened to the baby she couldn't keep.
Looking for my birth parents is complicated by the fact that I now live on the other side of the world from my birth place, so looking could get expensive as I'd have to pay someone else to do the physical records research.

I was adopted at 15 months. At times, I've been curious about my past, but I will never do a search. I just couldn't ever knock on someone's door and say "here I am". When my mother died, I did get some paperwork. I now know that my given name was Mary Jane xxx. I don't consider the medical angle a good enough reason to delve into the past. What will happen will happen. Who cares about maybe I'll get this or maybe I'll get that?

I have a bias in favour of encouraging family members to be in contact. My mother was out of my life from when I was 5 - 7 or so (psych. hosp. - probably mainly post-partum depression) ... and died when I was 13 (I was the recipient of the phone call).

I have always regretted that I was not able to know my mother more .. several who knew her say that she was a fine lady.
_____________________

If I were one of the persons involved, I would not go unannounced myself, I'd try to find some person used to dealing with the public - teacher, doctor, municipal officer, clergy person, etc. to make the approach.

If I were a daughter and were seeking my mother, I'd try to arrange for someone to call her or, I think second best, unannounced, visit the home ... when there was a good possibility that she would be alone. Then one would know how she reacted without the complication of having others in her current family aware at that time what was going on, which they might have been totally unaware of previously.

Possibly send that person a letter, suggesting that the person would appreciate her contacting them, in rather a confidential way, related to a family matter, or something of the kind, with a telephone number - the contact person's, not yours.

It's quite possible that the mother might, in the surprise (shock?) of the moment, react rather negatively, especially if she'd never spoken of the sitation to her current family.

Given some time, she might decide that she really would like to learn more of this long-lost child. It would give her some time to break the news gently to her current family, and things could proceed at a speed which was convenient to her.

If the person making the contact were able to meet her only with others present on the initial visit, it would be adviseable to have some other topic that could be referred to, an innocuous one, I think. One that would not get some suspicions aroused on the part of others that some funny business looked to be afoot! This would be much easier if it were by telephone, email, etc.

It would be advantageous if the go-between were a personable person, friendly, perceptive and rather a quick thinker. Also, very importantly, I hope that such a person could be a diplomat and skilled at dealing with people under emotional stress.

Such might be necessary both in terms of dealing with the target person ... but also with the initiator of the search, to pass on (a) message(s) in a thoughtful, kindly, tasteful way.

Colleen AU,

I wouldn't be surprised that, were you to initiate a search, as you focussed in on the area from which you came, you might be able to find someone who would happily look up some records, do some errands, etc. on your behalf. Many people in that field are sympathetic and empathetic people, desirous of helping families reunite when such is the desire ... on the part of people on both sides of the equation, so to speak.

Good wishes as you go forward, whatever course you/your friend may choose to follow.

ole joyful

If I were adopted, I would look for my birth parents. Even though it may not end up the way I wanted. I had never known my dad. My parents divorced when I was 9 months old. We never had contact...but he knew where I was. When I got older, I did contact him, thru letters, that he never answered. Later in life, my brother passed away and I met him "face to face". He didn't really put forth much effort in any contact with me. He was wrapped up in his "new" family. His wife made a genuine effort to try to forge a relationship for us, with no results on his part. When he died, the new family (his kids) were so afraid that my sister and I were going to show up and "want something". I told my half brother, "what I wanted, he took with him". I grew close to my half brother, but my 2 half sisters and other half brother, were "afraid" of a relationship with me.

I have used the link below to search for people. It may help Colleen. Good luck in your search. I think everyone has a "right" to know where they come from. You can't not search...maybe the person you are searching for wants to find you too...but hasn't been able to or doesn't know how to. (This is my opinion, of course)

Here is a link that might be useful: Veromi

The sister of a friend put her daughter up for adoption back in about 1960. In 1964 she had another daughter named Deborah. When Deborah was in her 20s she committed suicide.The same week this happened, the dd she gave up showed up at her door wanting to meet her and get to know her. Her name was also Deborah. The mother was so distraught over her dd's suicide. She didn't want to meet the other dd. It was not a happy reunion for anyone.

Linda

I was raised in a foster home, as were all of my siblings. I only knew the younger three, and two of the older ones, but 20 years ago, thanks to my neice, as adults, we were all reunited. We found that there was no 'bond' (read 'feelings') to speak of - only one out of 8 still keeps in touch with me.

My neice keeps in touch with all of us, but we don't with each other. It did ease my wondering about them, but the feelings are just as friends. Good luck with the search, if that's what she decides to do.

I think it is a very personal choice as to whether you want to search for your birth parents. Adoptees who search aren't being ungrateful to their adoptive parents. Adoptive parents will always be their parents, they can't be replaced in your hearts. Birth parents with a reunion can only become friends if contact is wanted.

Just as I wanted to search, it was my twins right to say she didn't and didn't want contact. I respected that. I wanted to know my background, genealogy has always been an interest to me and also I wanted to know my medical history. I wanted to be able to thank my birth mother for giving us to a family we loved, and to tell her that we were alive, well and happy.

Eighteen years ago, I did that. I met a wonderful lady. She went on with her life and had a very happy marriage and big family. She was engaged to my birth father at the time but was in disgrace for getting pregnant. They split and she married somone else. In my heart and from my research, I believe that she would have been unhappy with the man who was my birthfather.

My birthmother calls me a couple of times a year and we exchange Christmas cards. We are just friends, that is all, but I can tell you that I feel better about myself knowing my story. The medical information has been invaluable to my health and well being.

Before I even contacted or met my birthmother, I researched a lot and knew who my great, great, great grandfather was. I found the area where they settled, read about them in old history books and newspapers. I am probably more well rooted than most of you.

Oh and by the way..... My birthmothers first comment when she met me "What took you so long!"

I missed including Vickey in my post. My apologies.

(((hugs)))

My step-daughter was adopted. After getting a bad biopsy she wanted to know about her birth parents. She went to the adoption agency where she was adopted. Only because she wanted to know who she was due to health reasons did they tell her who her birth mother was.

She was advised to get a court order requiring her mother to talk to her. They talked about an hour. She will not tell her who her father is and did not want to have any further contact with my step-daughter. She found out she had a sister and contacted her..same thing...doesn't want any contact because her mother didn't. Apparently, her mother got pregnant in college, moved away to have the baby, never telling the father she was pregnant. Nor, did she tell any member of her family...A secret she wants to keep in the past and carry to her grave.

My step-daughter still hurts because of this.

Good luck. If it were me, I would want to know also.

I think there are more letdowns then joyous reunions.
If one insists on finding their birth parents, then they'd better be prepared for serious rejection.
I still think it's a bad idea.

I was on the Board of Directors of a Parent Finding Organization and did a lot of adoptee searches and reunions. I would say that there are more happy reunions than unhappy ones, but one has to go into searching for the right reasons. One cannot go into a search thinking that the reunion will be a marriage made in heaven. It won't happen. There are too many emotions involved. Birthparents relive the loss of their infant, some are afraid to answer questions, perhaps a rape was involved and the adoptee and birthmother have to deal with that issue, maybe drugs and alcohol were involved. Some birthparents don't want their current families to know and think of the adoptee as a mistake.

If an adoptee goes into searching with realistic expectations, then no matter what the truth is, they can be at peace just by knowing. Going through a reunion is not a piece of cake, it is an emotional roller coaster ride. Some may just want to know about their family without ever contacting them. Just doing the search may in itself be therapeutic and enough for them. I can tell you that the best reunions are the ones which are done slowly, respecting each others feelings and privacy, those are the ones that will last.

There doesn't have to be ongoing contact with birthparents to make it a happy reunion. Just knowing the answers to questions often is enough to help an adoptee find peace with who they are. They aren't looking to replace parents, they just want to find out the truth. It is easier to deal with the truth than the unknown in many cases.

I'd like to know the ratio of mothers looking for their children vs adoptees looking for their mothers.
Is the truth of knowing what happened a long time ago worth the good chance of totally stressing out and possible other sad ramifications when the mother is found?
I only want to know if I missed out on a huge inheritance...lol.
BTW, my sister is adopted also and has not done a search.

I would say that there are about twice as many adoptees searching than birthparents. Many birthmothers feel that they have no right to search, that they gave up that right when they signed over their children. That does not mean that they don't want a reunion. Birthparents are more afraid of looking also because the adoptee might not even know they are adopted. A birthmother knows that she is a birthmother. It is far better and easier for the adoptee to search. Birthparents usually just came to our meetings just for support or in case their child was there.

I also believe that unless it is an open adoption, it is best to wait until an adoptee is an adult and better equipped emotionally to do the search. Teen years are hard enough to survive.

Yes, the truth is worth knowing. Honesty is important. Done correctly even though the news may be bad, it doesn't have to mean sad ramifications that can't be dealt with.

LOL If I knew all you wanted was a huge inheritance, I would not help you with a reunion. We are talking emotional well-being here. When I did a search with an adoptee, we had many a talk on all of the what if's, I made sure that an adoptee had someone to go to for councilling if necessary. There was follow-up.

It is your sister's right not to do a search. I respect that immensely. Just as I haven't passed on much in the way of information to my twin because she doesn't want to know. I have a scrapbook made for her about our birthparents and how I have done the search and the details. If she ever wants to see it, it is hers. I did it just in case something ever happened to me and she changed her mind. If she never wants to see it, so be it. It is her right not to know.

BTW, Birthmothers are very special people. They did the best they could at the time. It isn't an easy decision to make, and for all the birthmothers out there, I give you a huge hug. It is far easier nowadays to keep children and far more accepting. Years ago, there was no support.

Interesting viewpoints all around.
I must say though, that being at peace can work both ways...I am at peace not knowing.

For you lindakathy, not knowing gives you peace. I respect you for that. Each of us knows what is right for ourselves. There is no right or wrong answer that will satisfy all of us. We are all so different in our feelings and beliefs and we have to respect each others innermost feelings.

It has been an interesting conversation with many different angles. Adoption and reunion are such an emotional topic that some forums errupt into downright wars. I'm pleased that we can all discuss it openly and honestly here without this happening. It is one reason why I like the KT so much.....we can agree to disagree.

I'm not adopted ,nor are any of my kids.But i do have a question i've wondered about for years.

Our best friends back in the 70's adopted a little boy,when he was just 3 weeks old.He was the love of their life.About2 weeks before he turned 5 he was riding his big wheel(bike) around the perimeter of their family pool.He had an accident that day and sad to say he died a few days later.

My question is now and always has been,what if his birth parents went searching for him,how would they ever find out that he passed away,or are they going to go through life searching and searching and not ever knowing??

To make matters worse the dad(adopted) never got over the loss and 2 years later when he came back from a tour of duty overseas he committed suicide.His wife found him hanging in the garage,and she cut him down and tried to resusciatate him.She is also the one that pulled their son out of the pool and tried to resuscitate him as well.

Such a sad time for everyone,and here we are 30 years later and i still think about all of them,and still think "what if".

So what do you think,is there a way the birth parents will,should they desire to know,be able to find out what happened to their child that they so lovingly gave up for adoption?? I've always wondered about this.
Kathi

PS,Just typing this brought me to tears,hadn't really thought about it in quite awhile.

Kathi - sending you a cyberhug. Some places have provisions for this that if the adoptive family notifies the social services, they will let the birthparent know. I know of a couple occasions when infants died before they were a year old and birthparents were told and in each case they did come to the funeral with the blessings of the adoptive parents.

I'm rather a curious cuss ... always have been ... but I'd want to know.

Kathi,

I am saying a prayer for peace in the heart of your friend who has suffered so much.

Pass on the message, please ... if you think that it would be helpful.

Heather ON,

Bless you for your work in this field, for your perceptiveness, empathy, counselling to people working this through, and for your preparations to help your sister, should she change her mind ... even after you are no longer in the picture.

The world needs more lovely people like you.

ole joyful

P.S. If you look at my earlier message, I think that you will find that it dealt with several of the concerns that have been raised here.

o j

oh, such a sad story Kathi.

In the case of my sisters dd finding us, we are very happy about it. We consider her adpoted mom her parent of course. Her adopted dad passed away. Anything we have to give to this young lady is our affection. We totally respect her adopted family. We are also grateful for them.

I can certainly see instances where finding bio parents may lead to disappointment but I can see that in so many things in life. Sometimes people have to take a chance.

Yes oj, you did raise a number of very good points in understanding and contacting a birth parent. The lady I had contact my birthmother was also a birthmother who had the characteristics that you mentioned.

Contacting a birthparent the wrong way can easily break the chance of a good reunion. Privacy and understanding is paramount to having success at a good reunion. I have seen cases where adoptees have gotten over anxious and pushy. As I've said, the long lasting best reunions are the ones done slowly and cautiously.