You say your husband won't help, someone has to set boundaries. I'll be a little flip here and suggest that you visit your family for the month, or at least for the first 2 weeks of their visit. LOL That may change you're husband's attitude if he has to handle it all by himself.

You can't fix the unfixable. And you're never so married that his problems become your problems. Row your own boat -- take care of your kids, make sure they follow your rules. Tolerate your step children. All you have to be is polite. Do not do your husband's work for him.

I have no sage advice, but I can say been there, done that.
There might be rules at home. They might feel like they shouldn't have any in yours. It might seem like a vacation, and even adults relax the rules on vacation. This doesn't help you though. It is very hard to enforce rules on BC when they see SC breaking them or having none. This is when it means having to sit down with your DH, agreeing on rules for everyone, based on age. Rewards work better than punishments, because NCP's sometimes find it hard to punish kids they rarely see, but easier to punish kids they live with. Make it group rewards for some things, and individual rewards for others. Don't make a 10 page rule list, keep it simple. Respect for others is the one that covers a lot of negative behavior.
If I think of anything else, I'll let you know.
Good luck, you are not alone!

I have to be flip as well because it's easy, but it's time for a vacation. What if you weren't there to pick up DH's slack when he didn't feel like parenting? I think it's high time he figured that out. If nothing else, treat your kids to a couple days at the hotel across town. Let him remember what single parenting is really like, and then she if he's willing to work with you to set up some rules like maddog outlined.

Best of luck to you all.

Welcome, northtx mom!

My first husband had three children fom his first marriage. The kids lived 700 miles away with their mom so, like you, we only saw them for extended periods a couple times per year. We were able to sneak in long weekends with them occasionally.

The first time they came to stay with us after we bought a new house was a holiday vacation. I was cooking the holiday dinner and at one point when I returned to the stove, I found a wad of chewed-up bubble gum on the top. I was pretty stunned at this blatant stunt --- darned near speechless --- but I calmly went to DH's youngest, confirmed it was her gum, and pointed out to her where the garbage can was located (since this was a new house to them, too). About 30 minutes later, I go back to the stove to tend to something else....another wad of bubble gum...counting to 10, I went back to young SD, reminded her once again of the location of the trash can....repeat process for third time within an hour.

After the third time, I took DH into our room and suggested to him he needed to talk to SD, that it was clear she was testing the limits of what is acceptable in our home. DH, bless his heart, did not want to have this confrontation with his 6y/o daughter...."we only get to see them 2xs/yr.; they're only here for a short time; maybe it's OK to discard bubble gum that way at her mom's house; we're not going to turn around her behavior in the 3 weeks she's here, etc etc etc.

I didn't want to try to turn around SD's behavior in 3 weeks; I didn't care if it was OK in her mother's home to discard chewed-up bubble gum on top of the stove where dinner for everyone is being prepared; I didn't care if the rules were different in her mother's house. I was pretty certain a 6 y/o could understand, "when you are finished with your bubble gum, place it in the trash can located here." SD did a good job of getting DH & I to play "let's you and him fight!"

This incident was the beginning of a conversation DH & I had over several visits with his children, mostly involving the youngest. It took time and effort on both our parts to listen to the concerns of the other and come up with some guidelines that respected what was important to both of us, that we would both genuinely support, with DH taking the lead in communicating a few simple guidelines about expected behavior. He was the parent; it was his role to take the lead.

Once we were on the same page, supporting one another, able to be clear and consistent with SD, life became so much better --- not only for DH & me but also, more importantly, for SD. There was much less confusion for her about what was expected, and we were no longer nagging her about what not to do. When she knew where the boundaries were, she no longer challenged them and the visits were more about enjoying one another and having fun during the time we had together.

In summary,this is what worked for my DH & me:
1. DH & I had to be on the same page
2. We got on the same page by genuinely listening to one another and hearing what issues with respect to the kids were important to each of us.
3. We then developed a set of guidelines/expectations, incorporating what was important to each of us, that each of us could fully support.
4. DH took the lead in communicating what was expected. He's the dad.

Good luck with this NoTX...if you and DH can establish lines of communication with one another over these issues, life can be so much more pleasant not only for the two of you but also your children. Hang in there!

Thanks to all of you for posting your advice! Wrychoice, I was stunned to read that your husband reasoned the same way mine does....we won't turn around their behavior in the short time they are with us....wow.
I have talked to DH about being on the same page, we just have not arrived there yet. He complains that he feels pulled between myself and his daughters.....but I would rather he feel that we are a united front with all of our decisions regarding the way our kids are parented.