Advice to new step-parents

16 years ago

I wish there would have been a list of DO's and Dont's when I began my step-parent journey. I thought we could all compile some of our hard earned education in one post. I definitely am looking forward to learning something new. I'll start:

1. Particulary if the children don't live with you full time, don't put yourself in the position of disciplinarian. Form your relationship first and leave the "parenting" to the bio-parent.

2. Choose your baattles, and let the small stuff roll off your back.

3. Include SK's in family routines as soon as possible. Have family dinners and establish family rituals, but also begin to include them in family responsibilities such as room cleaning ect.

4. Don't allow the Sk's to think visits to your home have to always be a vacation. Don't feel the need to constantly entertain or spend gobs of money. Have fun but make it clear this is their home and they aer not "guests", but fully operational family members.

5. Allow SK's to spend alone time with thier bio parent. It is a great break for you and the kids will appreciate it.

OK, who has some stuff to add? I know you all have knowledge to share!

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Comments (7)

angelz921
16 years ago
6. Allow each child to pick an activity that they want to do (both bio and SK's) so each has a chance to feel that they are being included in a decision making process. (limit's of course as to what that activity is) If a chart needs to be made so as no arguments arise as to who picked last then so be it.

7. When a decision needs to be made about a family situation both parents bio and SP should consult one another with out the children standing in front of them, then approach together. This shows unity and does not allow children to think that one parent has more "strength" in the marriage then the other. It slowly teaches the children that both parents have equal say so (within reason) about what goes on in the family.

8. When time's of the year are for gift giving occasions, bio family and SP should speak to there families about being fare about gift giving. All to many times bio families tend to give more to there flesh and blood and not so much to the SC. This cause's resentment, and more reason for the child to act out. If for some reason this is an issue (sometimes it is), make arrangements so gifts are given with other children aren't around.

9. I believe it is not only healthy for the bio parent to spend alone bonding time with the child, but also healthy for the SP to do the same. Even if it's just lunch while BP does an errand or washes the car, or something. This shows that the SP is interested in being a part of the SC's life, even without force of the BP.
fleurs_gardener
16 years ago
Remember : these are his or her children. Learn to love them.....at a distance and without being mean.
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I have some ideas that help me keep in touch with kids that were close to my little girl. Always take alot of pictures when together. Take professional & alot yourself. Those will be fun memories for her to look at. Make scrapbooks of your family & send her some fun scrapbooking material like stickers, stamps, fun scissors, & paper. I have my boys hold up signs & take pictures. Can you & DH hold up an "I love you" sign & mail to her? Do you have a webcam? Sometimes Webcams can be fun. Do you know her interests? Some girls love to receive flowers at school. I just sent one girl flowers(favorite color) & balloons. I think it makes them feel special. Find out if her school has a memory book. Parents can write a poem for their kids. Does she have email or myspace? Does she like Neopets or anything like that. You can get her an account & you both get pets & take care of them. Find something of interest for the both of you & mention it to her. That might give you something to talk about on the phone. Try emailing first & finding her interests. Oh yeah...kids love things that are in & Hannah Montana is in for little girls. How about a pillowcase with Dads picture on it, & an "I Love You". A Build a Bear with a special message you both have recorded. Also, if you ever get the opportunity, say real nice things about the BM. Even if you can't stand her. Think of anything positive to say, and say it. "Oh your mom is pretty & you got her...hair, eyes etc. If I were you, I would try real hard to help the relationship DH has with her. I think that was my job as the SM & my obligation as the BM to do that for my children. I think many moms are very special and talented that way(some aren't). I feel for you being long distance & for her. It's a tough situation to be in & it's not fair to the little girl, BM, you, or BF. I think the custodial parent has alot of influence in those situations. If she's not selfish she will nurture a good relationship between her little girl & you & Dad. If she's selfish & doesn't like you, good luck...as the little girl will probably not like you either. My little girl was young so I definetly influenced the relationship the best I could. I gave my daughter $50.00 of the child support each month saying it was from her Dad & she could spend it on herself, donate, or relatives. We chose Dad cards on holidays. Called several times during week(slow times). She had his picture hanging up in the bedroom which I framed. I really believe in the long distance situation the custodial parent can make it work or break it & the noncustodial deals with the outcome of the circumstances.
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laurels4u
16 years ago
1. Do not allow the children to be treated as guests in your home. Hold them accountable for their share of the work.
2. Do not allow others, the in-laws or ex's, to interfere with what is most important - your marriage. Love brought you together and resentment from ILs and ex's can certainly tear you apart.
3. BEFORE marrying, seek family counseling.
lafevem
Original Author
16 years ago
laurels4u...I wish I had heard #12 before we married. I think that is a great suggestion, and should be mandatory for any family seeking to blend a family.
laurels4u
16 years ago
lafevem, I wish someone had told me to go for family counseling as well. Not that it would've totally alleviated ALL blended family problems, but I'm sure it would've brought out a lot of issues that my husband and I didn't think of before we married that are causing sooooo much stress for us now.
vistajpdf
16 years ago
I couldn't agree w/ you all more. The short bout of counseling DH and I have recently had has done wonders for my mental well-being - being able to express myself freely and not worrying about a huge fight following w/ DH, lol. I only hope my heart will once again love this man the way I once did. I've been so hurt by his actions, mostly regarding the adult skids - never including me on major decisions and allowing them to treat me badly for years. Yes, it's much better now and I guess I just need to let go of it all instead of waiting for some sort of apology that will never happen...

Dana
lafevem
Original Author
16 years ago
1. Don't try to be super Step-Mom in the beginning. Do only what you will be willing to do for the rest of their lives. Example: When we first got married, I didn't make SK's do anything around the house. One day, SD (at the time 15)had some friends over. One of her friends (who is now dating my cousin...I love her sooooo much) got up to help me do dishes and SD says "You don't have to do that..that is lafevem's job". I was livid..like I am the maid. But, I realized it was a problem of my own making. I had acted like the maid, so that is how they treated me. So, right away, we began a chore chart..encountered alot of resistance. Should have done it from the very beginning. I just wanted the kids to like me...I should have worried more about them respecting me.

Advice to new step-parents

Comments (7)

angelz921

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Advice to new step-parents

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angelz921

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