I had a similar problem with my DD at about the fourish age.. she still has bouts every now and again but for the most part she seems to have grown out of it. And, this was absolutely not a result of divorce poisoning since her bd is no longer alive and hasnt been since she was two...but anyways I will have to Completely disagree with Kathline on this one... perhaps my dd is just a handful but she was fully capable of coming to me to tell me something happened or S said this or that that never happened...(and I did get suspiscous and start to investigate just in case but when she started lieing about conversations that I had overheard... I knew what was up) She also would do the crying for no reason and would be up my rear as soon as I would get home from work. I would come home and my DH would be in the room talking to her about something and everything would be fine until she saw me and then the water works. My DH was very upset by all of this and for a moment started to pull away from her. The only way that things changed was when I looked at how I reacted to it. Everytime she would cry I would ask what's wrong and try to get her to tell me why she was crying (attention!!) and when she would tell me things about DH I would go and ask him what really happened and then go back to her (attention!!) When I stopped playing into it ... she stopped. I know most of it had to do with her now sharing her mom with five other people and I am a fairly laid back person.. I grew up as the oldest of four in a cramped house that usually had all kinds of extra folks...like my cuz who lived with us on and off... so I am used to loud crazy atmospheres with lots of jokes lots of insults lots of everyone talking on top of everyone else... but my husband is not... he cant take the loud noise and he insists on no mam and no sir or vice versa.. so she was adjusting to having another adult in the house that did play like mom does and then on top of that she was not the "golden child" anymore (she was the only grandchild niece great grand etc etc) she had to share with three other kids... But, I started ignoring the crying when I would come home... I would just pop in to say are you hurt? oh well then cant be that bad get done whatever DH asked you to do... and when she would tell me something that wasnt true I would ask Dh infront of her if that was true ... and she would get punished accordingly usually go sit on your bed for x amount of time and then we will talk about again later (because ofcourse by that time the water works started).. It took awhile for her to realize that I wont play her game anymore and she is doing much better these days... But, not to say this is the case with your daughter because there is some divorce poison going on but even without it that can happen... I think the best thing to do is to change how you and your DH react to it and I think that mom2emall had a few good suggestions.

You sound like a smart, strong woman that is taking all the right steps toward becoming a stepmom. For me, I think the first thing I did prior to becoming a stepmom was realize that it was going to be HARD, but if I worked hard at doing the best that I could it would be worth it. One thing I told my SK's prior to marrying thier dad was that I expected them to treat me the way that I treated them, and that as I long as I respected them and I expected the same treatment from them, and it has worked so far. I try to remember that sometimes they need me to be a "mom" and sometimes they just need me to be a friend. DH and I have been married since December, he was 40 when we met had sole custody of his four children from a previous marriage, and I was 33 and had never-been-married single woman that traveled 70% of the time and had lived alone by choice for 13 years prior to making the commitment to marrying my husband. We dated for just over a year and also lived together for about 6 months prior to marrying so that all parties involved (including the kids) could adjust to the changes that were going to take place in all of our lives. It may not be the ideal situation for everyone, but it worked for us. I have an incredible relationship with my husband, and a great relationship with all of my stepkids as well, I love them and feel blessed to have them in my life. I believe that they truly love me and I received beautiful, heartfelt handmade cards from all of them for mothers day, it was truly incredible. We have HUGE ex-wife problems, but we handle them together and sometimes when necessary we handle them through the court system. One thing that I did when I met my husband was make sure that he understood that there was only room for ONE wife in our marriage (he was still doing a lot for his ex, when I first met him) and he respected that and made it clear to his ex that she was just that from that day forward. She doesn't always respect our wishes, but DH treats her like an ex and that is good enough for me. One thing that I would recommend is that you and your SO always present a united front to the kids, even if you disagree about the way something is being handled, have the disagreement in private and away from the kids. My SK's are great but there was a battle the beginning to see who would have the most "power" with their dad - them or me - and he was great about not giving it to them (or to me, for that matter) When we have a disagreement (the kids and I) DH listens to ALL sides and discusses everything with everyone, and we always seem to come to an agreement without to much of a blow-up. I also used to ask DH to tell so-and-so to pick up the bookbag on the table, put the socks in the hamper, but after a couple of months I just started asking them myself - once I started I just continued to do so. I still let DH handle the huge issues (things having to do with the kids bio-mom, etc.) but for the most part we share responsibilies equally. One thing we all did while prior to the marriage was go to couples and family counceling - an it made a huge difference for us. I learned that no matter how much the kids love me, when I married their dad it was going to be very traumatizing, and ruin the fantasy that every child of divorce has that mom and dad will get married again someday. I think it is one of the best things we could have done for our family. One thing I will warn you about is this - DH and I are having a baby in November, and it was very hard on my SK's at the beginning. The older kids got over it pretty quickly, and are now seem as thrilled as DH and I are, but our youngest (10 SD) was hysterical and distraught and even though she has known since Feb. she just this month has gotten excited about it and expressed happiness about it. We worked with her to help her through it, but it was hard on all of us. Good luck to you and I will keep you in my thoughts. Candy

M. Martin, plenty of SPs have been in your position. Being a SP is not an easy task, at all. Many who are both bio-parents and SPs say the step-parenting has been by far the more difficult. Dismissive attitudes from many, including counselors, unfortunately, are not all that uncommon either. Many have been taught or trained to think only from the perspective of the bio-parents and their children, and therefore don’t take SPs thoughts, feelings or rights (yes, SPs do have rights) into consideration much, if at all. One thing you could do that might help, is make sure you see a counselor well-experienced in blended families or one who is a SP him or herself. But, sometimes even that is questionable. Sometimes SPs get “lucky” and have both a supportive bio-mom and spouse/DH and sometimes they may just have a supportive spouse. The term supportive in this case means that your role as DH’s wife and step-mom is accepted AND enforced. However, some SMs have pretty much zero support from anyone, including their own husbands. This is the bucket you seem to be falling into. Your DH doesn’t support you in your role with his children, so his children don’t support you either. If the kids were younger, you’d need to focus on turning your DH around, so he can turn his kids around. But, since the SKs are now adults and your DH has allowed this for quite some time, if you want to stay married to your DH, options are fewer. I’d still recommend trying to find a different counselor. Some are starting to see that SM does have a side now and a side that needs to be respected by all, starting with DH. Once DH sees this, then he needs to pass this “SM needs to be respected” along to his kids (and it needs to come from him!). BM you have less control over, but it seems she is not an issue here. However, in your case, I could make an argument that your husband LET his daughter or daughters take on the anti-SM role that some BMs take from time to time. I’m going to give you a couple of words to look up and you can see if they apply to your situation and go from there. One is the term Mini-wife. The other term is Disengagement. Since your DH won’t change, it seems, and your SKs are adults now, your only option if you want to stay married but not have to put up with being treated like sloppy seconds or thirds may be disengagement. There are other step-parenting websites out there. You can either vent or get opinions there too. Look around, do research, decide what YOU want to do. Keep in mind, you will probably never have the stereotypical happy blended family, but personally I don’t think most do. I think most maybe have the OK blended family. But, sometimes given the dynamics, even OK may be out of reach, and it is a question of letting the initial family do what they may, to a point, and trying to disengage or ignore their clouded, seemingly backwards judgement and actions the best you can. Instead, focus on your own family’s wants and needs. Best of luck to you

I know you are not yet married or living together, but just to give you a heads-up, there are some step-parents who have been married to their spouse for years and they still feel this way, “I feel like I’m the 3rd wheel and invisible.” It used to be that step-parents, step-mothers in particular, were expected to suck it up and take it, take the high road, pack it in and so on, whenever the SKs came around. SM was supposed to cook and clean and wipe bloody noses for everyone, and suck it all in while dad, with his children by his side, took over the home and relegated his wife (SM) or partner to servant/ on call status. If SM ever dared to complain about her lack of rights on neutral or her own turf, the accusations of jealously from dad and others could be heard all around the neighborhood and back. Most SMs would then back down, with words much harsher than, “you’re always mad about something,” ringing in their ears. Now, we go through the Civil Rights Movement, Equal Rights Movement, and so on. And, what do most people now think in the year 2018? They think pretty much the same thing. All those movements and more happened, but as far as most people are concerned, none of them included step-mothers. They think that SMs are supposed to still suck it up and shut up. They still think that SMs are supposed to settle for being treated like children by their own partners, husbands, bio-mom, in-laws and step-kids. They are treated as and thought of as sloppy-seconds all the way. This thought is so prevalent even today, that a SM can be married to her husband for 10+ years, and be married to her husband for longer than bio-mom was, and yet, when SM goes to her SD’s wedding, without any permission from SM or her husband (dad) whatsoever, the entire ceremony can be set up with nods from clergy, wedding planners, relatives, and so on, that SM does not and never did exist. They’ll all get together and plan for bio-mom and bio-dad to walk down the aisle, hand in hand, for instance, even though bio-dad’s permission was never asked, much less SM's. That’s right, even though it is a wedding celebrating marriage, pretty much all will see your marriage to your husband as meaningless, because the term SM is attached to it. Happened to me. So, yep!, if you are a SM, you can be married to your husband for ten years, have a great marriage, think of you and your husband as solid man and wife, get married in a church, etc. AND, STILL, someone can come along and use your husband however they want and hook him up however they want without permission from either you or your husband!! And, this is all sanctified in the year 2018!! So, you may not be that far down the line with this man yet. But, he is already setting you up for failure. He is treating his child like a wife and he is treating you (his partner) like a child. It has nothing to do with jealousy, or very little. It has to do with you instinctively knowing that this is wrong, and it is wrong. Children need all the love in the world, but they are not wives and they are not partners. It is possible for you and a man with children from a previous relationship to get along great and have a future together. BUT, the #1 thing you need is a strong partner or husband who knows how to set boundaries for everyone—his children, his ex-, and so on. You need a man who knows and has no problem with treating children like children and his partner like a partner. Right now, I can tell you, this guy doesn’t sound like he fits the bill. You could try standing up to him, but I have my doubts. There are just too many people out there still who think that a SM’s job is to do nothing other than suck it up and take it whenever anyone from the initial family is around. If you don’t like it now, when you are just a visiting GF, you sure as H- won’t like it once you move in, OR once you are married.