Your post is hard to read and impossible to follow who did what to whom, and when.

If you would rewrite your problem, with some paragraph breaks and more attention to explaining the situation with the chronology you have a chance at getting advice.

ok....guess you can tell I am rattled..let me see if I can make this clearer...my husband and I got married in august of last year after 4 years of being together. We used to agree on parenting UNTIL he got custody of his girls...now he is lenient to the point that there are no consequences given to the girls if they talk back, if one has a temper tantrum, if the oldest doesn't fill out the chore chart and the others do..if I ask what the consequence is he says he hasn't made one yet...and days have past since the incident! If I tell him this or that happened and it is wrong he says I am exaggerating, made it up, HIS girls wouldn't do that or is defensive and says well they didn't do what your boys have done in the past and I am like huh?

We started off saying we would reprimand our own children because hubby didn't like me correcting his...well that is impossible to do if I am the adult in the home in the morning and after school...someone has to say something..what we had been doing..which doesn't work...is I explain that this or that is wrong to them, then call hubby for him to deal with it..he would reprimand them to but if it was major...like inviting 4 kids over and trashing the kitchen..there needs to be consequences...hubby won't give any OR makes excuses that he will but hasn't thought of anything yet and days pass...If my son (two live with their dad, one with me) is wrong I correct it, reprimand and give a consequence if it is serious. Hubby will SAY that he does the same but when it comes down to it he won't...not sure if he wants them to like him, or if it is guilt or whatever, but he won't follow through...and the girls know it...Washing, drying the dishes and clearing the table is on the girls chore chart for example..after supper I went to watch a show...all my work was done...his one daughter watched tv while doing homework (I don't agree but dad is home and wants to deal with things) and the other is playing cards...here hubby is clearing the table and washing dishes and asking me why I can't help and I say cause I don't do my son's chores thank you! The girls don't budge and hubby is mad at me for not doing his girls chores and I am mad that he is doing them...hubby then is upset and saying I shouldn't have said that in front of the girls and I said well, we have chores for a reason...I am not doing my son's vacuuming, why are you doing their dishes? I got no reply. We had 4 kids at our home that should have not been there when I got home and the kitchen was trashed...it shouldn't have been a second thought to say girls what is going on here, there are to be no friends say goodbye and get this cleaned up....but my husband freaks on me if I reprimand what he calls "his" girls so I go upstairs and stew and am angry and calling him to say I want to deal with this and this is what i want for a consequence..he said no..I asked that he call and do what he wanted to then and he asked them to leave and clean the house...no consequences whatsoever though for breaking house rules (though he says he is still thinking of something) and I feel I am just an onlooker with no voice that is getting trampled on and damned if I do and damned if I don't...so my question is...do you have the same parenting theory as your spouse, do you treat ALL the children the same and give reprimands and consequences to the children as if you gave birth to them yourself and not a yours and mine deal and MEN...how do I handle this situation with my hubby diplomatically to make him parent like he used to with my boys...fair,stern and concise and not be a push over to his girls..without him calling me a nag?

Talk to your hubby, away from the kids, when you're both in an OK mood, and not stressing over this issue.
Explain to him that you love him and respect him, and tell him how you feel he made you a better parent with your sons because he kept you accountable. Let him know that you love his daughters and you think they're great kids, but you want to be able to treat all the children the same. Ask hime to consider giving you the freedom to deal with issues as they arise, but let him know that the two of you would discuss (in private) what punishments are needed, if any.

That way if something happens, like four kids being in your house when they aren't supposed to be, you can calmly get the children to clean up, and then send the visitors to go home (they likey had a part in the mess making after all) and once the visitor are gone, inform whichever children are involved that "when dad gets home we will decide on an appropriate punishment". Let him know that the same goes for your boys. He can correct the situation, but you'll have a (timely) discussion as to the appropriate diciplinary action.

Let him know that you need the children (all of them) to treat both you and him with respect, but you don't feel they will if the two of you aren't on the same page with how to deal with them (and if you both aren't able to correct them at the time correction is needed). Also let him know that you don't want to see the children start to resent each other, because some are being held more accountable than others.

Stay positive. Make sure you ask for and *listen* to his concerns. Why is it that he doesn't want you to take part in their dicipline? Is he concerned that you may be too harsh with them, more critical because they aren't "yours"? Perhaps you just need to calm his fears and let him know that you love them, and won't expect any more from them, than you do from your boys. Maybe he's concerned that you haven't bonded with them well enough, and if you start being the primary diciplinarian, the girls might resent you because you aren't their mother. Perhaps he's concerned that they'll decide they want to go back to their mom's if you start to disipline (and in a few years they *will* be able to decide, regardless of social services involvement). He may be afraid of 'losing' them again. Perhaps he needs to see you making a concerted effort to bond with the girls, if you are going to be their diciplinarian as well.

Good Luck!!
Verena

callmerae,
When your husband says he's thinking about it--but then doesn't come across with his ideas, I guess you pretty much just have to accept that. If he doesn't want to talk about something--then I would say to let it drop. When he wants to talk, he doesn't have a problem with you listening to him, does he? Do you argue with him or criticize him so much that he is just shutting up?

OK--you want the children to be disciplined--you call it punished. I don't like that word. I believe that a logical consequence is the way to go.

Here's what I used to do--my kids had certain things they were responcible for...practicing their music, studying, keeping their room picked-up. When they got older--and they wanted something--and it wasn't in the budget (tight budget), they had to figure out how to get some money. I paid for the music lessons, and provided the transportation for the lessons, competition, instrument repairs--but it was their responsibility to practice. I didn't tell them to practice--but they knew that if they didn't, that the lessons would end. No big deal. No drama. Same with chores--if I needed help--say I had so much to do and needed help with cutting the grass--I would let them know--I need help cutting the grass so I'll have time to take you (wherever). I would engage them to help me--in return for some help I needed. I didn't make these things up in my head--I actually needed help. I believe that it helped them to feel more a part of things.

I didn't let my kids stay overnite anywhere, and I didn't let them have friends stay over (not until they were in college) for a good reason. Number one--if I don't get my sleep--I'm a bare, and I don't like feeling like a bare. Plus, I didn't need to be around tired, cranky kids either.

We didn't have a TV...I have to take that back; we had a TV for a month or so. The kids didn't spend much time studying, so I made the observation and told them what I saw--so when the TV got thrown out, there were no surprises.

If the kids would trash their room while their friends were over--then the next time the kids came over, the room had to get cleaned before the friends left. I would ask the friends when they had to go home, and then let them know that at such-and-such time, I would be letting them know it was time to go home.

My kids knew that the only reason I wouldn't like one of their friends would be their fault.

Us parents don't always agree--but you need to respect your husband's ideas--even if you don't know what they are--now that is a trick, isn't it. So you have to let your husband know that you want a happy home--you want to feel like a somebody. Your husband would like a happy home too. I don't think parents should be calling each other at work--unless there is an emergency that can't be handled alone.

Instead of you telling your husband what the kids did, why don't you tell the kids that they will have to tell their dad when he gets home, what they did that day.

callmerae,
I got interrupted, so I'll continue...

About treating kids the same. The kids are different, I'm the same. One child could have a strong willingness to please, and that child would be very sensitive to punitive treatment and be very hurt. Whereas another child may have experienced a lot of turmoil in their young life, and be somewhat immune to punishments. (punishment was never in my parenting dictionary) What may benefit one child, may not benefit another. One child will be more insecure than another--I think that you need to be aware of the child to the extent that you are able to help a child. For instance, if an older child doesn't brush their teeth, you wouldn't handle the same behavier (or lack thereof) as a much younger child.

What I mean to say is that I believe in logical consequences. I also believe in asking for forgiveness when I realize I've been wrong. That still happens. I also learned to take my time and think things through before I would make up my mind about something. My kids and I had an agreement that before they would come to me about something--that they needed to have all their facts. I couldn't make decisions if I didn't have all the facts. Of course, I'm now talking about older kids.

Sometimes I would ask my kids what they thought should be done. I would let them choose their own consequence. They liked that, and it was fine with me. Guess what! It worked.

If my kids didn't clean their room, I closed the door. The room would get so messy that I finally would call them into the room and say, OK--I'll help you. Then I would sit there and just point to something and say, OK, now put that away. I might have done a little--but just enough to let them know they had help. That's how so many things got done around our house. I helped them and they helped me. Sometimes things didn't get done in a timely fashion--but stuff got done--and years go by and who gives a good gosh darn. Your relationship with the children and your husband is much more important than any household chore. Believe me!!!

Sometimes I would sit at the table at night trying to figure out how I could get them to feel like a part of things. Some ideas worked, most didn't. LOL But you see where I am going with this. The kids have to see how they fit into the picture--how they can predict what's going to be happening. They need to know that they matter. I sure didn't always do what my kids wanted--good grief. But there were lots of things that they were able to have some input. They liked that a whole lot!!!

Callmerae, I think that we assume our kids know what we mean, when so often there are words that they don't understand. This is especially true with the ages in your home (and younger).

Another thing...when you talk to a kid, be in front of them--kneel to be at their eye level, or sit together at the table, or put their buts down on the kitchen counter. But be at their eye level. Look them in the eyes. My one kid was very short, he used to set himself on the counter--did for years. Maybe it made him feel better. Now some people would feel threatened by that. I never did. When my kid got himself up on the counter to talk to me--I knew he meant business. LOL (an old lesson) Talk to them in a way that they know you are--being funny, being silly, being serious, being angry--but communicate. Don't call out orders or reminders from a distance. Get their attention. If you think you are being ignored--tell them so, in a nice way. Ask a child to tell you back what it is that you want of them--not in a punitive way--but because you want to be sure you are communicating.

Most of all, make sure you are giving them positive attention every day. Don't assume that children appreciate you--and don't expect it. If they should, then you know that child is very sensitive. But just don't expect a child to understand the turmoil you are feeling, or appreciate the fact that you are at odds with the dad, AND children shouldn't not be hearing about private matters between you and your husband. Don't forget, the way you and your husband talk to each other will be mirrored by your children in the future. You are teaching them the tools they'll have to fall back on when they are older.

When a kid does something right, or listen to you, or says thank you, whatever--always acknowledge their appropriate behavier. Say thank you often. When you have to say no, say it as kindly as you can--and don't repeat it. Let your no be no and your yes be yes.

You may not agree with your husband. Perhaps if he sees that you are giving of yourself--as I already know you do!, he will come around. He has to think about it. Continue to learn and improve.
Best to you.

some good advice so far..thank you...this is what I liked...that we as parents would sit together to discuss the consequence so they know we are united...that is very important and something we are def. lacking right now. I did read in a parenting book that even if you don't agree on the consequence then the bio parent sets the rule and the stepparent simply accepts it and I agree with that. I do like the joint decision making idea. I also agree with interacting more so that they know i am not the dictator and they will know when I reprimand that it is with a good heart and intentions...and eyelevel is a good thing. I have been selfish to some degree...my boys always came in to bed with me for 30 min when they woke up to cuddle, talk sometimes or just fall back asleep in each others arms...my stepdaughter joins in every now and again and I will put my arm around her and flip from side to side to give them both attention but I did feel this resentment inside for not having this private cuddle time with my son and looking back I hope I never let that show. growing up I always felt a double standard with my sibling so it is a sensitive issue for me already and with a mixed family I really want it to be an even playing field. I think I am going to get up early tomorrow and ask if I can have a private talk with the girls in their room and explain my expectations, my feelings and intentions...hubby is too heated right now to deal with anything so in this way maybe I can smooth things over and leave him be...your advice has got me thinking..thanks...and yes, I have no doubt that sometimes my words can be harsh, demeaning and seen as condescending which I don't mean them to be

callmerae,
Ah yes. When we talk down to another person, criticize, judge, condemn--well we just turn that other person off. The tone of our voice, the looks we give--whether or not we engage in passive kind of negative behavier--learn to be a great listener and communicator. It will help you in every aspect of your life. Your children will learn from your example, and you'll get some positive co-operation.

Just remember, if somebody hates to do something--there isn't anything you can do to change that. You might be able to make the something a little more bearable, and that's about it. Also, if someone is feeling that they owe you a good punch--they're not going to be giving much co-opeation. It's the kind of thing us civilized people do. LOL (not co-operate with people we don't like)

There's an old book, probably at your library, very good book on communicating called "How To Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. Easy to read--great common sense and worth reading by everyone on the planet. So if you want to have a co-operative kind of relationships, you just have to know how to treat the troops.