I am a stepparent to two older adult children, however, when I first met my husband (about 6 yrs ago) the step kids were 14 yrs old ss and 18 yrs old sd. Just recently the step children have started to acknowledge me when I am in a room that they enter. Prior to that they just ignored me and started talking to their Dad. I can tell you it was very hurtful. DH finally started to tell them to say HI to me when they walked into our house. The first time DH told her to say HI, SD 22 years old ran out of the house yelling, "Why do I have to say Hi first." I did not realize it was about who said Hi first. So from then on I started saying Hi before she could, I made it my personal game. I thought if thats what it is about I will say HI fist, that took care of that problem, becuase they then had to say Hi back or look really rude. Wow, it just amazes me how stepkids can be so self centered and spoiled.

This guy has problems having to do with his feelings of self-worth. You can instruct your daughter on politeness, and you can work at having a peaceful home till kingdom come and this man will continue to find things to cry about. Next year nothing will have changed except you'll have more tales to tell.

Brass tacks, you don't give me much hope for the future :-)

Well, I agree kids are self centered and without much concept of the world outside of themselves - I would hope by the time they reach their 20's that would have begun to change, but maybe not. I am a pretty swift disciplinarian, and I don't tolerate much, so I would have to think that if she were doing it as a rude thing (rolling the eyes, or forcing out a "hey") I would have handled it differently. When it's pointed out that he is standing there, she smiles and says "hi" and runs over to hug him.

It is very, very hard to hear someone talk about your children in a derogatory manner. So hard, and so uncontrollable. I feel my blood pressure start to rise, my throat tighten, and as if I am going to explode, even when the allegations are true. Not only because it denotes something wrong with my kid, but my parenting as well - which means I am being criticized right along with her. I feel for any step-parent, I really do. I try to keep it in check and not say anything until the words have sucken in and I can think; even then, my husband says my anger shows through.

I do wonder, if and when I meet his daughter, if she will play those games with me as well. Would be kind of funny if it weren't only MY kids that were self centered and oblivious to the feelings of others.

sarakj28, It takes two to make a relationship work. I really feel when children are young they do not always know how to act appropriately towards their stepparent and need to be guided, taught and showen with demonstration. However, as they become older and continue to respond inappropriate to their stepparent, that is rude inconsiderate behavior and should be dealt with.

I too wonder how his daughter would treat you. It would be interesting to see. I can understand that is must hurt to hear someone talk badly about your own child and also about your parenting skills. I try to remember this when I talk with DH about his children. More children now days appear to becoming more and more self centered, not responsible and expect things just given to them. They appear rude, inconsiderate, and lazy. I believe this is due to parenting skills of the baby boomer generation. They felt they were doing the right thing by giving and giving to their children. But by doing so they have made some rude and inconsiderate, self centered adults.

One thing I never did was discipline my step children, I left that up to DH. I did privately talk with him about my concerns about the children, but never in front of them. I feel that worked better for the kids. It was hard to not want to discipline them, especially when it involved me or my property, but I would talk with DH and he usually tried hard to make it work for all of us. I sometime felt bad for him because he was often caught in the middle of all the people he loved so dearly.

It is still very hard for me to be around my stepkids after 6 years. They still at times are rude and inconsiderate, but I think sometimes they don't even realize it. Like today, ss is here for the weekend. We start talking about birthdays (my stepkids have never acknowledged my birthday, for 6 years) and instead of asking when my birthday is he asked dad to confirm that the date that he gives out is his mom's birthday. I was just blowen away. When the 3 of us are talking about birthdays his and dads, why wouldn't ss ask about mine. With ss 20 years old, I wonder is it just social immaturity, rudeness, wanting mom and dad back together, or what?

So yea it takes 2 to make it work, but I think with younger child your DH should lighten up. He needs to give her time to adjust, learn, mature and bond with him/stepdad. It is so very hard in a blended family. I never realized how hard until I married into one. Hang in there, remember we are here to help and your not alone.

Sarajk,
There is no greater commission in life than to love our children.

What about the relationship your daughter has with her biological dad? Do you sense that she just might miss her biological dad? Is it also possible that she means no harm and that she is just being a child?

Manners and being sensitive to other people's feelings comes from example first and from instruction second. You might do what some parents do when a child is being abused by the other parent--and that is to try to 'make it up' to the child by giving in or indulging a child when it's not in a child's best interests. The list of things parents do for their sad child is lengthy and the harm is exhaustive. You may try to minimize the hurt your child is experiencing, but to place your child in the path of danger is unkind to say the least. If you want your daughter to grow up being the kind of individual that only knows how to cope by being a victim, well...

Does any of this make sense?

Something to consider...when a child is threatened by being yelled at or some kind of punishment that is meant to hurt, it is not unusual for a child to figure out that if he can plead innocence he might not get into or cause trouble. It's called survival. My heart goes out to children so threatened. I have known children that do not defend themselves because they have had to be submissive to the bullies in their home --parents and siblings. Children that cannot say 'get away from me' while being molested.

About the daughter coming into the house and not giving her step-dad recognition. I don't care if you are strick or passive. Your husband wants your daughter to have manners and that is good. What is it you call his lack of sensitivity in talking to your daughter? Manners? You are going to be hard-pressed to put up with this kind of ignorance and dysfunction over the long haul.

Something else to consider...when parents get angry with each other and it has anything to do with the child, the child will eventually come to feel guilty and responsible for the unhappyness in the home. This is always wrong--as the adults are the ones with the power to use intelligence, etc. But the child will end up being the one thinking that he's not good enough, not lovable, etc. That is ultra unhealthy for the developing emotions and intellect of a child.

None of these things are healthy. It's the kind of thing that will contribute to a dysfunctional individual and family.

Some men and women think that if they are smart enough, charming enough or whatever, that they'll be able to help change a person--it just doesn't happen.

sunnygardener,
You would not believe how i feel for you as a step mother.
When i read that your step son ignored to confirm when your birthday is, i felt sad for you. I know exactly how you feel. It is almost unexplainable unless you have lived it.

In 18 years with DH, his oldest daughter has never once acknowledged my birthday!!! Makes me sick to my stomach!

A few weeks ago, my step son whose had several tatoes done on him says to me : pretty soon i am going to have a tatoo for my sisters, my dad, and my mom right her on my arm!

I felt like telling him to go hell! It's so stupid. How can someone who has been in your life for 18 years not feel left out when he mentions all the people he loves in his life and just forgets to mention you the step mom who's been there and is still there for him!

I just don't get it! It may sound childish on my part, but its all these little omissions on the part of step children that makes it difficult for us step parents to continue appreciating them!

Sunnygarden,
I too am so sorry that you are treated that way. How is it that your spouse permits that type of treatment in YOUR home? I have told both of my children from the begining that while my job is to raise them and it is one that I do happily and willingly, they will not be the "be all end all" of everything. I expect respect for both parties (I demand my children respect, as I explained it to them, anyone that is taller than them!) and appreciation. The appreciation is hard, as my husband has allowed me to stay home and take care of my daughter, but yet he doesn't put any time into it. They see clothing that was bought for them, or an extra activity as "mom bought it". He does get annoyed with it, but I do my best to explain it to them without it sounding like the salad episode of Sienfeld inwhich George has to explain to someone that he "really bought the salad, she just handed it to you. you thanked her, but not me. I'm waiting".

Oh, and since your stepdaughter had the fit about having to "say hi first" - ettiquette lesson for her. According to Emily Post, whomever is entering the room is required to say hello first. This is true, unless, the person entering the room is an adult and the person in the room is their junior. At that point, it is always the responsibility of the younger party to extend greetings first - a sign of respect.

BUT, on that same token, my birth son forgets my birthday every year. Whether it is some passive jab at me I will never know. He can spout off everyone elses DOB, but not have a clue about mine.

The one thing I do, that I know my father never did for my stepmothers and seems to be a real issue in this forum is support my husband in any role he takes with the kids. They don't always like it, but I know my stepmothers hated that about my father.

Thank you for sharing some of your pain, though I am sorry it goes on in your life.

Brass tacks,
First off, thank you for your reply.

I guess my point is and was #1) An adult does not use childish forms to "get even" with a child (ie. "I won't talk to you!) and #2) If this has gone on more than once, and he has failed to address it with either myself or her, then I don't feel it necessarily warranted the heightened amount of pain and anger. When a situation arrises, I feel you must address it and move on.

This is the funny thing. My daughter is 7, she is lucky if she sees her father three times a year. She hasn't seen him since June. She recently stayed with my former inlaws and went on and on about "her dad" to the neighbors. When the neighbors mentioned how impressed they were that their son had finally gotten his act together, they had to admit it wasn't their son, but her "step dad". She also told them she wished I had left her father sooner, that way my current husband could have been her "real" father. So, that being said, among the many acts of affection I witness daily from HER to HIM, I still don't understand how his immediate reaction wasn't about being rude, it was about her feeling she didn't want him around. I punished her for being rude, I believe in good manners and enforce them.

As far as indulging her from guilt, it really isn't my thing. Having been raised without my own mother in my life at all, I think that had my father demonstrated some form of pity on me, I may have taken advantage of it. He didn't. So, keeping that in mind, I don't.

Lastly, my daughter is not abused in this house. I may raise my voice, but let's be realistic - it is the words that come out, the presence of intimidation, that are verbally abusive. I believe you must point out the crime and hand out a punishment that is worthy of the act committed. In this instance, I did raise my voice at her, send her to her room, and not allow her to participate in her after school activity. Possibly a little more than necessary, but I believe she got my point.

I think this was something that on most days could have been a non-issue, addressed, and noted for future reference. For some reason, it wasn't. I will not tolerate my children treating my husband as a second class citizen, nor will I allow an adult to act as a child and offer up the silent treatment to a 7 year old. Makes me feel I have just another child on my hands. It took four days, but things are starting to get better now.

Thanks again.

Sara,
Your additional information certainly sheds a different light on your situation.

I believe you are dealing with a typical problem, many step-parents almost have a jealousy of the relationship between SC and their spouse and often times tend to over examine every move the children make. Your husband needs to take a deep breath and realize that 1. Kids are air heads and are all pretty much rude. 2. Learn to pick his battles... I really don't see her not greeting him immeadiantly upon entering the home as reason to argue or punish. 3. They are children and he is the adult... he has to learn that they will respond to him depending on how he responds to them... If he is constantly critical they will begin fitting the desription, figuring hey if I'm going to be blamed for it anyways.. why not. Sit him down and talk to him, reassure him that you love him. That they can not take his place but that he can also not take theirs.