contested step parent adoption

24 years ago

I have a almost 6 year old son by a man I never married but unfortunately is on the birth certificate. He hasn't paid child support in over 2 years but still I am forced to let my child see him at Xmas and in the summer. He never calls in between and he leaves him with others on his visitation. He only has contact with my son because his mother wants him to and to bother me. (This is true, I am not paranoid.) It would be wonderful to prove this man does nothing but confuse and upset my son and get him out of our lives by letting my husband adopt him. Has anyone been able to have their spouse adopt their child, or even just get a name change without the biological parents consent? Please advise.

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Comments (18)

Tammieruth
24 years ago
First I want you to know that I live in Canada(Ontario) so what I say here may not apply to your situation. My brother adopted his step-son about one year ago. The child's father was paying support and taking him for visits but doing so very grudgingly and, like the person in your situation, probably only because his mother insisted he do so. She was also a problem loading up the child with tons of expensive toys. You wouldn't believe my brother's basement it was full of stuff, $1,000's of dollars worth of Fisher-Price and Little Tikes toys including this elaborate basketball thing, and he wasn't even 3 years old then. No amount of toys can take the place of a decent parent, and they realized that the boy was getting very confused by the differences between life with mom, and life with a very part-time dad. They eventually grew so worried that they started video taping his departures with the biological father through the window blinds. Then one day the boy's father called and said he no longer wished to pay child support, that he no longer cared about the child, and that if my brother wanted to adopt the boy he would gladly sign the papers, and in return he wanted no further financial obligation. The paternal grandmother was furious but could do nothing about it. They filed the adoption papers, then went to court a few months later. The boy's real father didn't even bother to show up for the court proceedings, and when the judge heard that he signed the papers right then and there. The grandmother no longer has any right to contact the child, and though my brother and his wife feel bad about this, they realize it would only serve to confuse the child further if he were to see her. My advice to you would be to document as much of what you say, if you can, regarding the problems you have had and your concerns for what this is doing to your child. Have you spoken to a lawyer? This would likely be your first step.
lisa_zi
24 years ago
My first question would be why are you forced to let him see him if he's not paying support? I don't know all the ins and outs of the law but that seems as if your holding up your end of the bargain and he isn't.
My husband adopted my son who had another man's name on his birth certificate(we were never married). Granted, bio dad didn't contest it. Consult an attorney he or she can tell you what kind of opposition you may be up against. Oh by the way, the name change was easy....we did that as soon as we got married (the adoption came a few years later) so he wouldn't be 'different' from us. You post an ad in the local paper for a certain length of time, pay the court fees, explain WHY you want the name change and presto....they didn't even consult bio-dad on this one, then again he (my son) had MY name not his (bio dad's), that may make a difference.
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Yes, my biggest concern is being over shadowed by my own selfish reasons to change their last name or it is something that I would of already done. I have a both a friend and an aquatint who never knew their biological father and the day they turned eighteen, they legally changed their name to their step fathers last name. Based on their personal experience they both encourage me to change the childrenÂs name. Regardless of the name change, I still plan to go ahead with the adoption. I believe that this would be in the best interest for the children for several reasons. One, if I die, then two of my three children become wards of the state and regardless of my wishes, legal Will, etc. It will be up to some Judge to decide who/where these children live. Usually, the courts follow the wishes of the deceased parent, but there are no guarantees. 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I know that if the adoption goes through and if we fight for custody Â I run the risk of loosing Â Fourthly, Now I carry several very large insurance policies and when a lot money is at stake, who knows who will come out of the wood work to fight for custody. Most of the money will go to my brother for safe keeping, regardless of who gets the children. I trust him completely, but there will still be quite a bit of money that would go with the kids. My husband and I considered changing the beneficiary to him, however, he is not real good when it comes to money and feels that he would do better if my brother budgeted the money for him. Finally, I believe that it is in the best interest of the children to have a legal permanent Father. Back to the name change issue Â My first husband choose to go out with his friends that night, he choose to go to a shady establishment, he choose to get involved with shady characters and I personally believe that this is what contributed to his death/murder! However, the police department did nothing (not like on TV) they did not even go to look at the scene until almost a week later. Even though there were several reports that the owner of the establishment chased him into the street at gun point Â the police did nothing. I know that he did not choose to die, but I cant help being angry at him for making the choices that he did that night (Yes, I have been in and out of counseling) . However, I donÂt want to change the childrenÂs last name because I am angry at the biological father. That is why I have been desperately searching for some kind of psychological research on the pros and cons of changing a childÂs last name. As for RosieL response Â As far a telling my 5 year old that I was wrong and cant change her nameÂ I will not lie to her. She is an extremely intelligent child and I believe has been blessed/cursed with an impeccable memory. It would only be a matter of time before she will discover the truth. She blew my mind the other night when she described in detail a memory that she had of her biological father (at only eight months of age). I have never told the story to any one and no one else was present except the three of us. I would rather be straight with her and tell her that I choose not to change her name and when she becomes of age, it will be her choice. She has been identified as extremely gifted and is enrolled is a special school. Currently, I try and keep their fathers memory alive with happy stories. I work real hard to maintain a relationship with their biologically grandparents and Aunts/Uncles. In MOST cases, these relationships are too stressful and end up going by the wayside. It has been and continues to be difficult on both sides. However, we keep trying. Eventually they will learn the truth of the shady circumstances surrounding his death. If by no other means, by public access to the police records. What would this do to their self esteem/ identities thinking that their legal father choose to go out and get involved with these characters instead of a life with them. As for mom_2_4 response ÂMy gut tells me there's a little coaching going on here ... Â The only coaching that I do, it to encourage their current last name. As for mom_2_4 response ÂI don't blame your deceased husband's mother for being upset -- these kids are the only thing she has left of her son. And you're trying to take that from her, too.Â She is o.k. with the adoption and the adoption is what will take her legal rights away. She is o.k. with changing my daughters last name. She is not o.k. with changing my sonÂs last name. I guess that I am still torn over the decision to change their last name or not. I just wish I could find some research done by professional on the subject.
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lisa_zi
24 years ago
Oh and by the way, be sure that taking your son 'away' from this other grandma is really a good idea for HIM. My brother has a son from a previous marriage and my brother is definately not 'dad' material...in and out of prison and substance abuse problems. My nephew would never see my brother if it weren't for my mom(which I'm not sure would be such a bad thing). But my mom is a wonderful, caring Grandmother who brings stability to this now pre-teen boys life. She and his mother occasionally butt heads but I am glad my ex-sister-in-law has decided to allow my nephew as much time as possible with my mom. My nephew was adopted by her husband (now EX-husband...geez the things we do to kids) sometime ago, my brother didn't contest it. Try to forget the fact for a minute that you are pissed at her son....is SHE good for YOUR son? Kids need to be surrounded with as many people as possible who are concerned about their welfare.
vikkijo
24 years ago
I totally agree with Lisa Zi. My daughter's dad (my ex) was not the model father, eventually became a heroin addict -- in and out of rehab programs. But HIS mom was always there for my daughter. She called on the phone regularly (from several states away), took her on hiking trips during school breaks, taught her to cook vegetarian foods, and helped her to deal with her father's disease.

At first both me and my second husband (stepdad from the time my daughter was 3) felt uncomfortable with grandma's presence. It takes work to "get over" those possessive feelings. Eventually, my husband became good friends with grandma.

Today my 19 year old daughter considers her grandma one of her closest friends. As a mom who loves my daughter I think their relationship is priceless. Your kids can never have too many loving people in their lives.
Bugs
24 years ago
I dont agree with making that decison for your child, they may be upset with you down the road. I understand your point. My real Dad never saw me, went to jail a few times drinks too much and I am now 30 and still dont wish to see him now. My step-father I call Dad and love to death, he has been there by my side since I was 4 however I am happy my mom didnt make that decision for me until I was old enough to figure out my father was an idiot all on my own. A piece of paper doesnt decide who is a childs father, they do it all on their own. just a thought.
lisa_zi
24 years ago
>>A piece of paper doesnt decide who is a childs father, they do it all on their own.Very well said :) and true too.
Juliana_9
24 years ago
Actually, if he is not paying child support and you have a court order directing him to pay, then have it enforced. One other thing, paying or not paying child support does not prevent him visiting the child. But if you feel strong about this, you can always go to court and have the visitation order modified.

For your husband to adopt this child, the natural father would have to give up his parental rights. Its a big step to take, one that could cause your child grief in the future.

Good luck
stacey2
24 years ago
In Georgia, after 12 consecutive months of no contact or support, you can petition the court to allow a step parent adoption without the consent of the bio parent. I am going through that right now. If my ex contests the adoption, we'll have to go to court and the judge will decide what is best for the child. I looked online at the laws in GA and then contacted an attorney. Good Luck
slopez10
24 years ago
For Stacey2. I am also in Georgia, can you give me some advice and/or comments on the process? I don't know where exactly my ex is, so I don't think I will have much trouble. He has not paid child support at all, 11 years since the divorce.
You can email me.
slopez10@yahoo.com
alicia110
24 years ago
Sadly, a "parent" doesn't have to give any kind of support, emotional, physical, or monitary to exercise their visitation whenever they want. My DH's ex just showed up after 2+ years of ignoring the kids except for a few emails after she was nagged. We decided to do what was best for our son and let him see her with DH there. When someone has been playing and buying sports cars and season ski passes, it's hard to say, "ya, let him finish his hamburger helper and he will be right out to see you" while you sit and listen to a vacation plan that includes Europe, but he needed to have contact with her. We just keep telling ourselves that when he grow's up he will know what we did for him and he will see the situation for what it was.
Good luck, feel free to contact me at my website if you want advice about support issues, been there done that!

Here is a link that might be useful: Oregon P4CSE
lynne_s
23 years ago
I agree with bugs...my son from a previous marriage calls his sf dad..my current husband has been more of a father to my son than his bio dad...bio dad has never paid child support, doesn't send birthday or christmas cards/gifts but does talk to him on the phone a couple times a month...i would love for my husband to adopt him but deep in my heart, i know it's really not a right that i have...if ex wants that to happen, then maybe...but it just doesn't feel right. My son will grow up knowing that he has 2 dad's...and he'll also know that his stepdad is the better of the two and for now, that's enough.
CourtneysMom
23 years ago
stacey2 and slopez10 ,

I would love to chat with you both. I am also going through with a step aprent adoption. We have a court date for Jan 13, 2003. I also live in Georgia we are in Cherokee Co. I was told by our attorney we have to show that we tried to serve my ex who lives in SC the last I heard. He also has not paid child support in 2 1/2 years. He also has a criminal record from when we were seperated and I had a restraining order put on him. Which he broke by waiting out of my apartment. He ended up trying to choke me to death luckly I got away. But because of that my divorces papers state that he has NO VISITATION rights but is to pay child support. So we are hoping he does not show up for court. This would be so hard for our daughter. Since she does not even know her father since she was a little over a year old when I left him. Her step dad is daddy to her and he loves her so much.

Again I would love to chat with you ladies. I will let you know how court goes. My husband has to go get his finger print cards done to give to the attorney. We are not worried about the home study since we have already been through that since we are also foster parents. My daughter already tells everyone her last name is the same as ours.

Wish us luck. Also her bio dad has never sent a letter a present for birthday /christmas since I left. His family also has never even keep in touch with her.

I would love to hear from someone in GA that has done a step parents adoption.
gmoyer1_yahoo_com
20 years ago
I think most of the women posting are full of it. They need to tell their side of the story as well. Woe is me they say. You run your mouths around town just like you blog here, so you can justify why you are taking money from the men you originally screwed over. Or why you are leting a new man..a stranger in the eyes of the children...raise your children. What a shame. Most of the reasons why fathers stop coming around is because of you personally. You were probably cheating lying people who have now married the lovers you had on the side. Most of you know why you were slapped or the man stopped being around. You do an injustice to the people in the world who are really hurting and being abused. The court systme is a joke. It stole my boy from me and I have lost faith in it sense. American women know that they can do what and when they want to do it in the courts,,,but it will all come back to haunt them generations from now. When our children stop making families. Like we are doing now.
raee_gardener
18 years ago
to greg(gmoyer1@yahoo.com)
You have a lot of nerve running YOUR mouth about a bunch of women that you don't know. I am a CANADIAN woman. I am also the "stranger" raising the children. I must also add that I am doing a better job then the kids "bio" mother ever could, and that she is the stranger now.
I am sorry for you if your ex is anything like my kids biological mother, as she is nothing more than a crack whore. That being said; if you aren't seeing your children because of your distaste for their mother then you are NO better, and I would get off the high horse I was on if I were you! There are ways to see your children with limited to no contact with their mother (ie; supervised access centres). If you have been denied from seeing your kids by the courts then there is probably something severly wrong with you. If you think that your happiness is of any real importance then you are WRONG! What is most important in this world is the safety and well being of all the children.
If you are refusing to see your children because you don't like their mother, I recommend that you get over yourself, quit your PITY party, step up and take care of your kids. If there mother is a loser that is going to wreck their lives, fix whatever is wrong with your life, and go back to court and win those kids and give them the life you know they deserve!!
THINK ABOUT IT!!! (my kids mother doesn't pay support AT all- guess who buys the groceries, and makes the dinners?!? ME- the quote unquote stranger)
raee_gardener
18 years ago
Oh- another thing greg- if you think it is alright to slap ANYONE for ANY reason you are messed up in the head. It is no wonder to me that the courts "stole" your boy. They are trying to protect him from being abused by you, or taught how to be an abuser by you! GET A LIFE!
ashley1979
18 years ago
"A piece of paper doesnt decide who is a childs father, they do it all on their own. just a thought"

I agree with this, but that particular piece of paper dictates where your child goes if something were to happen to you. Do you want your son to live with a stranger if you die or are incapable of raising him? That's what will happen regardless of what you put in a will. I would seriously consider getting some legal advice before making any moves. If you move to get him to pay CS, then you start the time process all over again. And many states have a specified amount of time that has to occur without any contact or any money received.

Oh, and this Greg person is just on here to stir up trouble. Don't mind him. If he really wanted help or advice, he would've put a post up instead of unleashing on someone else's thread.
lovehadley
18 years ago
I haven't looked too much into it yet, but we will probably pursue a step-parent adoption when we've been married for a year.

A lot of that simply has to do with me wanting to protect my DD should anything happen to me. Her whole family and life is based here--school, grandparents, great-grandparents, FSD, etc. If I were to die unexpectedly, I would want her to be able to remain with the only family she has ever known.

Not that her "father" has much ground to stand on...

We did talk it over briefly with our attorney when we filed custody papers in the spring, and he said in our state, it is considered child abandonment after 12 consecutive months of no contact and no support. My daughter's father hasn't had any contact in 6 years.
stargazzer
18 years ago
My son wanted to adopt his step son and got a lawyer. The lawyer said most fathers will not give up their child even if they don't ever see them or pay support. He advised the mom to file for child support from the bio father and let him be in default until he owes a lot of money, then push for back child support, it worked. My son adopted him without any trouble.

contested step parent adoption

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