Step Parent Adoption

19 years ago

I hope I am in the right place for feedback... I am the Bio Father.. I have been married now for seven years. My wife wishes to adopt my daughter from my 1st marriage, my daughter also wishes this. She is 14yrs. I am all for it and feel it to be in the best interest of our daughter, however I know my ex-wife, my daughters mother, will more than likley have no part of it. She does owe a substantial amount in CS and Back CS, but is in contact with our daughter and carries a "relationship" with her. My daughter has been calling my wife "mom" since she was 8yrs old, I am not sure how to approach this. We have consulted an attorney and have him on retainer, but I feel (like with most lawyers) he is looking for the "payday" I guess my question is this... How do I know my daughter "Really" wants this for her and not so much for "step-mom"? and if she does should I proceed with allowing the attorney to send the "letter" to BioMom explaining we would like her to consent and terminate her legal rights as "mother"... Please help as I am one who prefers to avoid conflict when possible.. I know this will create conflict.

BioDad

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Comments (8)

sylviatexas1
19 years ago
'is in contact with our daughter and carries a "relationship" with her'

What does that mean?

If this girl's mother loves her, & if there's no evil boyfriend or drug dealing going on, I'd leave things the way they are.

What would your daughter gain by adoption by her stepmother?

*What would she lose?*

Girls tend to be pleasers, to give the answer they know you want.

Your daughter may want your wife to be her mother...
and want her own mother at the same time.

I wish you the best for your daughter.
biodad
Original Author
19 years ago
I do not know what will be lost with the adoption but i can see what could be gained. mostly this stems from god forbid something happen to me.. my ex-wife (bio-mom) is not mentally or financially capable to care for a teenage girl, (she is a mother to 4 kids, none of which live with her)
My daughter does not want to "end" the relationship with Bio mom only wants to insure her future with Step mom...
Bio-mom is mother of convienience, and always has been. Now at 14 yrs my daughter is beginning to realize where her bio-mom is in her relationship with her. if that makes sense..
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to greg(gmoyer1@yahoo.com) You have a lot of nerve running YOUR mouth about a bunch of women that you don't know. I am a CANADIAN woman. I am also the "stranger" raising the children. I must also add that I am doing a better job then the kids "bio" mother ever could, and that she is the stranger now. I am sorry for you if your ex is anything like my kids biological mother, as she is nothing more than a crack whore. That being said; if you aren't seeing your children because of your distaste for their mother then you are NO better, and I would get off the high horse I was on if I were you! There are ways to see your children with limited to no contact with their mother (ie; supervised access centres). If you have been denied from seeing your kids by the courts then there is probably something severly wrong with you. If you think that your happiness is of any real importance then you are WRONG! What is most important in this world is the safety and well being of all the children. If you are refusing to see your children because you don't like their mother, I recommend that you get over yourself, quit your PITY party, step up and take care of your kids. If there mother is a loser that is going to wreck their lives, fix whatever is wrong with your life, and go back to court and win those kids and give them the life you know they deserve!! THINK ABOUT IT!!! (my kids mother doesn't pay support AT all- guess who buys the groceries, and makes the dinners?!? ME- the quote unquote stranger)
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I don't think it's fair to gauge celebrity adoptions by Joan Crawford's. During that era, every aspect of a star's life was planned for publicity value. Rock Hudson & Raymond Burr were protected from being "outted", even to the point of studio-arranged marriages! Joan Crawford's adoptions were likely done for the publicity, & her star status made her approval a sure thing. but meanwhile, during the same era, Elizabeth Taylor adopted a little girl & gave her all the love & all the advantages that her position & her wealth could provide. Later, Mia Farrow adopted a big family, one at a time, from many different countries, & she found fulfillment & contentment as a mother. From what I've seen, Angelina is devoted to her children; except for evening parties or black-tie events, she almost always has one in her arms & is holding hands with another one or more. If the wheels were greased to expedite Angelina's adoptions, I say hurray for axle grease: the children she adopted likely wouldn't have survived to adulthood had she not come along, & she's done a great deal to bring attention to adoption & to the plight of children in third-world countries. As far as the other siblings denying that any abuse went on, abusive parents often pick one child as the "scapegoat". When that happens, the other children almost always deny that there was any abuse going on in the home. There was a horrifying incident here in Texas several years ago. A woman had kept her 7-year-old child in closets & crawlspaces for years. The woman's boyfriend, evidently afraid of being involved to any worse extent than he already was, told someone. When she was rescued, near death, the child weighed, I forget, something like 25 pounds, her skin was covered in sores, sunshine hurt her eyes, & she cried when she first walked on grass, complaining that it was "biting" her. She never had walked on grass. She didn't know her name; they called her "the girl". The other children in the household were fed & clothed, they went to school, etc. *They never had told anyone that there was a child living in the closets/crawlspaces in their home.* All the children were taken away, & the little one was adopted by the couple who had wanted her at birth. don't know where the other siblings are now, but I remember reading that they were in therapy to overcome the problems that they had due to living lives of denial, guilt, & fear ("The girl doesn't get to eat because she's bad. If I'm bad, I won't get to eat." etc)
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wow some of this hit the nail on the head first on the adoptive children. I can see the difference and big difference lies in the fact you are the ONLY MOM. there is not another person raising this child and looking out for their best welfare. There isn't a biomom who is the picture making decisions, planning the child's future. There isn't someone else's feelings or toes that you step on. YOu are it. That to me is just as natural real as your own child. It is someone you care for , look after and that rely ON YOU and only YOU> They have noone else, I can see how that could seem soo natural and feel the same as a bio children except they are adopted. When you go into adopting a child it's because you soo badly desire that child, you look, wait and plan for that child. A Stepchild, lands on your lap at any given time unplanned. Yes you may have known this was the package deal, but you didn't build that person, you werent the sole caregiver for this child, you didn't think of what he was going to look like, what you had planned as a family etc. that to me is a big difference then planning for a child to come into your life. Same w/ a bio child. I am a mother of a 15 mth old son and SM to two biochildren. It is very difficult for me to have that "same" feeling I have w/ my son. EVen before my son I felt the same way. I do think that my DH is finally coming aruond to see this after having our son together that it IS very different to having your own child. I look forward everyday to seeing my child no matter how cranky he is.. with my Skids, I look forward to seeing them but honestly I look forward to having a break from them? why I can't pin it, maybe it's resentment on the mom's part as she is always blaming my DH for stuff or tells my DH he doesn't treat them fairly, he cares more about "our" family over there. Which is so untrue. MY DH is a great dad even prior to our child. If anything he favors his first born son.. and sometimes I tell him that. But he loves all his children equally it's just they don't live w/ us fulltime so it make it harder. I also understand the fairness issue. WE get that from her, if you go on vacation you need to take them. Well what if I want to take a vacation w/ my son and DH when the skids are w/ her? Can I not? Do i always have to fill her in on my life/ my choices.. That to me is what is challenging, as I don't naturally think of my skids feelings. I naturally think I want to take a vacation w/my son and my skids, BUT sometimes I think it'd be nice to just be the three of us w/ out them while they are w/ their mom doing fun things.. ? There are times the three of us are invited to parties/bbqs etc and the kids are on their mom's weekend.. how is that fair? how is it fair we go and don't take them but on weekend sthey are w/ their BMOM they get to go to disneyland and my son doesnt? to me life isn't fair. and that is what you need to teach the kids that are in a blended family. The BM job is to make them understand that this is what happens soemtimes and it's not intentional and that we also have to live our life just as they do. BUt BM stirs up the pot and adds her 2 cents in as she is jealous of our time. even though she is remarried and has her own DH she says this is hurting the kids. To me theo nly thing that hurts the kids is when she uses them as tools to get what SHE wants or tries to put guilt on my DH instead she should be teaching the kids that it's healthy and ok to feel hurt or left out but it's their life and how things are going to be sometimes. Just like my son doesn't get to do it all either will they? If life fair no and setting them up for disappointment will only help them in the long run instead of spoiling them and telling them that their situation is perfect as it isn't.. Anyways, what i am saying is, it is very difficult to be a stepmom.. Never would I have chosen this path if I hadn't met the man that I love.. It takes a very strong person to handle this and at times i don't always feel that strong NOR want to be.
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If you can get a court certified therapist to testify on your behalf, that would really help your case. If bio mom is contesting, be prepared for trial (as I am sure you already are at this point). I would love to hear how everything works out for you after court, I am trying to go through the same thing and there really isn't much out there in the way of success contested adoption. Not because they fail, but it just seems that most step parents do not deem it necessary (or too expensive) to take on the challenge of an adoption. I have been told by some attorneys that using the child support non payment angle can be seen as you trying to bully her into giving up her child, and if you try to forgive all debt if she consents, that can be deemed as buying her child. And then, other attorneys want to use these tactics as their strategies and they are confident they will get the results they want. It really seems to come down to the judge you get and how much of a fight bio mom wants to give you. Even if she objects to consent, what are the odds that she will actually show in court to object? You even stated that if she was to show in court, she would probably be arrested for non-payment. Chances are, she is just being difficult....
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kkny
19 years ago
If mom doesnt want to give up custody, next to impossible. Pray for good health for you for next 4 years.
sweeby
19 years ago
Talk about 'picking a fight'...

OK - Let's assume that everything you say about BioMom is true and that your motives are 100% noble. That there's not even a trace of 'payback', or 'competitiveness', or 'validation as the better parent' --

It'll still provoke the battle of a lifetime.
If you've recently been diagnosed with cancer, I'd say good luck to you. If you haven't, I'd say "let sleeping dogs lie."
lafevem
19 years ago
My ex has not seen our son in the last 5 years. My DS calls my DH "dad" and since he is too young to remember a time DH wasn't in his life, DH is just Dad. My DH and I considered sending a letter to my ex asking for him to agree to the adoption, but decided against it because we don't want to close the door to my son's biofather and then have my son resent us one day. I do know your concerns about your death. I worry about the same thing. I even had a conversation with my ex several months ago and he verbally promised me he would not take my DS away from DH if I was to pass away. He said he knows he has raised him and he wouldn't do it. Who knows if he would keep his word, but I know how you feel. That being said, your daughter is already 14 and I truly believe a court would listen to her feelings and look at the circumstances if something were to happen to you. Maybe the attorney could draw up some papers asking BM to agree to allowing your daughter to stay with SM if you died rather than an adoption scenario?
vistajpdf
19 years ago
I agree w/ the advice given here. Even the worst of mothers are still mothers and despite outwardly appearances, there is most likey some level of a bond that we 'normal' parents don't understand. While there's plenty more to being a mom than giving birth - and your lovely wife seems to have been doing everything but give DD life, many kids still long for a time when the absent parent will come back into her/his life and make up for past slights. There's also the truth that I always cite about abused kids still calling for the parent who landed them in the ER. Go figure.

Anyway, I think I'd tackle this from another standpoint. Legally, see your options about maintaining contact between your wife and your DD in the event of your untimely death. And, if I were you, I'd make sure EVERY family member on both bio sides and your wife's side know exactly your intentions for DD to remain living w/ your wife if at all possible should something happen to you.

Finally, I'm sure you have a life ins. policy w/ DD as the beneficiary. Make your wife the executor of your will and put her in charge of DD's inheritance if you can. Give allotments for education, but make sure BM can't get her hands on money intended for your DD.

All the best,
Dana
lilysuzanne40
19 years ago
What an impossible position to put a 14-year-old into.

"Choose your mama."

Please do not force her to do this. Your ex has a relationship with her daughter. She apparently is not abusive, violent, etc. Daughter loves her mother, regardless of how she feels about SM.

CS is a separate issue and should not even be something your daughter ever hears about. Kids from unbroken homes never have to hear about whether someone has "paid" for them that month. I wish all parents and SP would just keep the whole CS thing to themselves.

Please don't make your daughter choose to "give up" her mother. Just let this issue alone. Your ex isn't going to agree to terminate her parental rights and you won't win in court unless you can prove she's a terrible parent, so all you'll do is stir the waters and make your daughter suffer.
sylviatexas1
19 years ago
Lilysuzanne said it well.

Step Parent Adoption

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biodad
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Step Parent Adoption

Comments (8)

sylviatexas1

biodadOriginal Author

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biodad
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