Hi mike,

I do not think that it is unreasonable for you to want SD with child to be out on her own. I certainly would not tolerate her having "over night" guests.

I don't know where you live but in my city there are programs for lower income moms that will help with housing and so forth. My girlfriend's daughter/grand daughter are helped by these services. If your area has this type of service then SD needs to get on the waiting list for housing and childcare. She needs to get a case worker assigned to her.

Would it be possible for you and your wife to sit down and calmly talk about a time line for SD to move out? Perhaps she could go to a continuing education program and learn some job skills and they could help her find a job that would better insure her being able to support her and her child. You wife may be afraid for her and the baby and maybe she would feel more comfortable if you approached her with a "plan" that would be best for her daughter and her future. As a mom I would want to know that my daughter had a plan but I wouldn't want her living with me with no end insight. Having the grand baby is a touchy situation so a plan is that much more important.

It is your/your wife's home and not older SD's. You have to have some say. I don't blame you for being upset but can also see where this is a difficult situation for your wife.

Best of luck to you.

I'm with Believer on this one. Adults need to learn to be self-reliant, for those who are allowed/encouraged to be dependent on their parents when they should be forging their own way ahead are in for a rude and painful awakening when Mommy and Daddy are no longer around. This does them no favours.
Sit down, make out a plan. Have an end date in mind. Over a year is more than enough time to "get on [ones's] feet" and unless SD gets a heavy nudge it's clear she's not going to work on this. Perhaps you could offer to assist (not completely pay, but assist) with the rent for a defined period, say, six months. Remind her when you're getting closer to the end period, "Remember, this is the last month we'll be paying the $X, so next month you'll need to budget the full rent in."
If your wife can't see she's setting her daughter up for a fall and insists she stay, you'll need to reassess your position. But don't say "Either SD goes or I do," unless you're prepared to follow through. Only you know if that would make you happier.

Mike,

The only question you asked is "Am I wrong for wanting her daughter to move out?" and the short answer is NO. You are not wrong for wanting you home and your life back.

That being said, I am a mother of two grown sons. My husband has a young child but no experience with teens/grown kids so he doesn't always accept that grown kids can still need their parent. They don't always reach an age where they leave & are self sufficient. Yes, that's the goal and it would be ideal if all kids became self sufficient, moved out & did their own thing without coming back. However, it does happen occasionally. It could be self inflicted or it could be circumstances beyond their control, but as a mom it would be hard to put out a grown child with a baby. However, there does need to be a plan and goals for her to become self sufficient. Your wife & you should be partners in enforcing the plan.

Your wife is not doing her daughter any favors in enabling her to depend on her. She is responsible for a baby and if she keeps letting boyfriend sneak in, there could be more babies making it harder to become self sufficient. You and your wife should have house rules, and while I don't believe in ultimatums, I would tell her 'if you want our marriage to work, we need to do something to help her so she can give her baby a better life.' And yes, you probably would tell the other daughter the same thing if she were the same age & the circumstances are the same.

My husband and 19 year old son don't really like each other much. When my husband complains about my son, I'm often tempted to tell him the same thing, that he wouldn't say that to my daughter, whom he gets along well with... but the truth is, my son is breaking the rules and if my daughter were doing that, I would not allow it, even if he didn't say something. I think I get a little defensive because he's my son & I know they don't like each other so I'm a little sensitive to thinking he's just picking on my son, but when I start to feel that way, I think about the situation... what rule is being broken & I try to be more objective and most of the time, my husband is right. Every once in a while, he's just nit picking and I call him on it. But my husband and I work as a team. If you are fighting and separating... then you need to work on your marriage first and get on the same team. Otherwise, you will not be able to work together to solve this or any other problem.

Well I am not a fan of women who prefer men to their children and would do anything to keep a man. You are asking her to choose and of course she is upset.

If G_d forbid DD20 had a baby that early I would probably prefer she stays wiht me for some time, until she can get enough money to be on her own.

Your SD is 20, not 30. plenty of 20 year olds are still at home while going to college. if i would have to choose between my child and a man, i would choose my child especially in such tough situation as being such a young mom. most women would choose their kids if they have to choose.

SD is probaly not ready to be on her own financially.

you need to have some kind of plan how to help her to get on her feet, but simply kicking them out is not the best solution.

"SD is probably not ready to be on her own financially."

........Then why did she get pregnant and have a child? When she made the decision to keep the baby, she should have started preparing. She can't even take responsibility for herself, so how did she figure that she can raise a child? If you're grown enough to lay down and make the kid, you are grown enough to care for it. It's a hard lesson to learn, but it sounds like it's desperately needed. How is she going to teach the child to be self-sufficient when SHE isn't?
Then to have the nerve to bring your BF over for sleepovers??? Heck no. There is nothing in the OP's post that suggests that the SD is trying to improve her situation.
Where is the child's father? Why isn't SD getting help from him?

My mother always told me growing up that if I came up pregnant, I'd better be prepared to do what I have to do, because they (mom and dad) were not going to raise grandchildren. I completely agree with their stance.

Well the girl got pregnant and has a kid...can not change that now. Most 20 year olds can't support themselves, let alone a child!

So you do need a plan! Not sure what state you live in, but most states have things in place to help young moms improve their lives.

I got pregnant at 18, while I was in my first year of college. After my son was born I applied for financial aid for school (having a child no longer makes you a dependant and your eligible for tons of grant $). I got a full-ride for community college and lots paid for university. I got daycare assistance so my son attended daycare while I worked full-time and went to school full-time, and I only paid a bit for childcare. I lived at home with my dad during college and while he helped me with my son, he made it clear that he was not a live-in babysitter.

After graduating college I got an apartment and began working full-time. A year later I bought my first house.

If my dad had thrown me out on the street I would probably be living paycheck to paycheck and having a pretty rough life.

Maybe you and your wife can get her to enroll in college and work while putting her child is in daycare. She will not be around much to cause trouble at home (and when she is around she will have homework and want to spend time with her child). Then and she will be working to build a good future for her and her child. One where she will not be trying to move home and borrow money from you and your wife constantly.

I bet your wife would be more apt to listen to you if you had a plan like helping her daughter get an education and then moving out instead of telling her you want her daughter out asap and no plans to help her.

http://www.dhs.state.ri.us/dhs/famchild/dcspgm.htm

This tells a little about Rhode Islands child care assistance program. For instance your sd could make $24,642 a year and only have to make Weekly Childcare payments for full-time daycare of $32 - $38

Most states have some type of childcare assistance. Just go to google.com and type in childcare assistance and then the state you live in.

http://www.fafsa.ed.gov/
This is the website about college financial aid. You can also pick up forms at your local community college.

Good luck!

It doesn't have to be either/or-

You don't have to either throw her out or allow sleep-overs.

If I were her mother, I'd be scared for her to live in subsidized housing, but I'd be very angry with her for disregarding the conditions my husband & I set for her to live in our home.

but if I were her mother & my husband told me to throw my daughter out, the focus would shift from being angry with her to protecting her.

I wish all of you the best.

Hi Mike

I agree with mom2email(although I am biased bc I have a similar story)I had my son at 18, but after leaving my husband I had to move back in with mom and dad. now I am 24yrs old living with my parents for over a year, but working two jobs,volunteering, and transfering to another college,but raising my son independantly to be independant. Living with parents is not self sufficient but their are alot of ways to teach self sufficiency while being dependant. Education is definately a solution, or atleast should be part of the plan.

Yikes! I've got more questions than answers.

Why is your SD living with her grandparents at 18 or 19? What lead up to this? And why didn't you know her age in any case?

Having a child that young is not a walk in the park. It's not easy at any age, but assuming that she was 18 or 19 with no real life skills...wow! Thats a punch in the gut like no other!

So, what are the solutions here? Counseling? Education?

Or just throw them out on the street?

Hi mike2388,

I'm a dad and a stepdad, and I have some experience with an adult stepchild living at home.

First of all, your wife and SD should appreciate the fact that you not only agreed to have your SD move back home, but also because you have given SD far more time than the couple of months that she initially requested.

Unfortunately, there should have been an agreed to plan for her independence at the beginning. You have to take some responsibility for the fact that the three of you didn't formulate one. Because of this, you should give SD more time as you all come up with a plan. It has to be realistic in terms of how much money she can make and save.

Is the boyfriend the father of the child? If so, he needs to be contributing to the child's care. If not, the father needs to be found and told that he has to provide some support.

Your SD sounds like she is immature. She should have been told that the boyfriend could not sleep over - period. Your home is not a motel, and if she wants adult priviledges then she can do that when she gets her own place.

Try and be patient with your current living situation for a while longer as you all develop a plan. Find some healthy outlets for your frustration instead of taking this out on your wife.

Finally, your SD needs to assure you and her mom that she will not be getting pregnant again until she is in a committed relationship and on her own.

Athlete

"Your SD sounds like she is immature. She should have been told that the boyfriend could not sleep over - period. Your home is not a motel, and if she wants adult priviledges then she can do that when she gets her own place."

I agree withe everything athlete said. She is in BAD need of support right now and it is awesome you are willing to help out. She should be grateful and willing to abide by household rules. This is the problem I have with adult children living at home.

You can NOT live with Mommy and Daddy and demand to be treated like an adult...that is just too ironic for words. There needs to be straight forward rules,boundaries and goals set like YESTERDAY so everyone understands where they stand and what is expected. Never let adult kids and grand kids just move back home without some kind of plan in place...it is a bomb waiting to go off if you do.

junemestar, good question. Misatkes happen. Most teenage pregnancies occur when girls look for love elsewhere but not in their own home, have little respect for themselves and their bodies, often ignorant, bad home life etc. So it is entirelly possible mom is something to contribute to that. In fact girl lived wiht grandparents, hmmm. So maybe now mom is trying to help her daughter because I bet you she feels guilty that she didn't provide what her daughter needed earlier.

juneme star, many girls who accidentally get pregnant at that young age usually cannot rely on those men (or rather boys). lol Often they don't even know who is the father. sad. But true.

"You can NOT live with Mommy and Daddy and demand to be treated like an adult...that is just too ironic for words. There needs to be straight forward rules,boundaries and goals set like YESTERDAY so everyone understands where they stand and what is expected. Never let adult kids and grand kids just move back home without some kind of plan in place...it is a bomb waiting to go off if you do."

So true.... My kids have said that since they are over 18 & legally an adult... they should be treated like an adult. I agree. They think that means I can't tell them what to do... they can do what they WANT. I tell them if being an adult means I can just do what I want, I wouldn't have to pay my bills or work. Being an adult is about responsibility for yourself... not just reaching a certain age.