Me, too. I'd be happy to share my experiences...

I'm curious as to your ages and how long the sm has been in the picture. Also, were you way closer to your mother than your father?

As a SM, but one who's slightly closer in age to the kids than their dad, lol, what steps should I take to keep things running smoothly? If you read any of my other posts, I had a huge problem when my DH allowed his 24 y.o. DD to move in w/ us. He told her it was indefinite, but told me it was for 3 mos. At 4 mos, I meekly asked her about her plans and a lot of drama ensued. I was exhausted from having a houseguest that long (cooking nightly, cleaning w/ no help, finishing her laundry each time she began it, etc.), raising 3 young boys, and working 3 long days/week as a dentist.

Anyway, it worked out and she moved out last week. This past weekend, I had her and her visiting friend, her sister, and the bf (the 3 live together) over for a nice dinner and I was treated well. I had been worried as I wasn't sure how DH actually her to move - like if he said I was going nuts w/ both girls, the bf, their 2 dogs (and my zoo) and the thought of having the out of town friend staying w/ us, too, before they moved.

I have another question: Our history is this: BM cheated on DH for years. He left. 1 yr. 8 m. later, we dated. Got engaged and married over the next two years. BM pinned me as a homewrecker for years so the kids hated me. We said nothing, but years later the truth came out. So, a lot of time for a lot of slights to me that I didn't deserve, a lot of time for them to not want to like me, etc.

Things are much better w/ the girls (SS is MIA - another issue, not w/ me.) But, while the older SD lived w/ us, my three young sons turned 3, 7, and 5 from April-June. For each, she told them she would take them to buy a toy, but never did. We even had a group party for the three 6 weeks ago, and while she did help me for the party and during it, she never got them even a card. For our guests, we asked for a small ($5) donation be made to a wildlife rescue facility in lieu of gifts, but she didn't even offer for that. I have always had my sons give my SKids gifts for b-days and Christmas and it has very rarely been reciprocated. The oldest and middle both asked me why she said she would buy them something but never did. I have no answer. BTW, we paid for all of her bills while she was w/ us - car, cell, charged no rent or utilities, and she even handed over medical bills to DH, credit card bills, etc. As of April, she had $4500 in a retirement fund while her dad and I have $0. (lots of $ stress from a crooked contractor on our house and a fire in our bldg where we lived during our home's construction - we lost all of our personal possessions - '05.)

Anyway, I don't want my kids disappointed again and don't know how to avoid it. I also want to be close to my SDs and have them over periodically w/o opening the door for a lot of times when they drop in. It's OK in the summer, but when the boys begin school again, it won't be as easy. So far, so good, but I often am unassertive, then get mad at being taken advantage of down the road. That's my issue, I know.

Anyway, I want to strike a balance keeping them in our lives, but having them be independent (soon to be 23 and 25.) We put them through college - they have no student loans.

So, my questions: Would you be offended if your SM forwarded your bills that still come to her house instead of having DH pay them? I think it's time they pay for their shopping sprees.

Would you like a weekly or every other week gathering for a family dinner at your dad/Sm's?

Any suggestions for not having my boys disappointed again about promised shopping trips? My boys adore their 1/2 sisters and while they did ask the one SD who lived w/ us when she'd take them to Toys 'R Us, she was always busy, etc.

I'd appreciate your perspective.
Thanks,
Dana

Hi Dana,

To answer your questions about my background: My parents were married for 42 years when my mother died of breast cancer. Less than a year later, he met the woman who would become my stepmother. They had a fast courtship and married within a couple of months. At that time, we still had contact with dad and his wife, although she was steadily clamping down. Within a couple of months of their marriage, he stopped returning phone calls and was never available for visits. Within two years, my SM had completely cut off contact between dad and all of my siblings except my brother, who lives 1,000 miles away. By their third anniversary, dad had no contact with anyone in his family, was rarely seen around town and had withdrawn from his church. This continued until earlier this year, when he reached out and has made very stealthy contact with all of his family. She doesn't know about it and he says she would flip out if she did.

Now, to answer your questions.

1) I personally would not be offended if my SM forwarded my bills, but then, I couldn't imagine having my dad or my SM pay my bills in the first place. If they're in their 20s, it's time they grew up and paid their own way. They may be offended, but you'd be doing them a favor. Now, they may very well have a sense of entitlement at having those bills be paid by someone else, but continuing to do so is not in their best interest.

I would love, love, love to have a family gathering with my dad and SM. I'd take once a year, if we could get it. They bought a new house five years ago and most of the family have never even been invited inside. Your offer of a family dinner sounds like a loving gesture. I'd further recommend that the planning and execution not fall exclusively upon your shoulders. If you're not comfortable with having them in your kitchen, perhaps you could ask them to bring something -- a bottle of wine or a salad or something of the sort. That's more of the "being an adult" thing.

As for the promised shopping trips, you need to sit down with your boys and explain to them that some people just aren't good at following through. Your SD might have very good intentions, but isn't good on the execution. Or, she may overestimate her funds and then fail to follow through when she realizes that she doesn't have enough money. I'd encourage your boys to focus instead on the time spent with their older sisters. I do that with my nephews and nieces. I stopped buying birthday gifts for them several years ago and instead take them for a special dinner with me. It gives me a chance to share one-on-one time with them at a reasonable cost. My budget doesn't allow birthday gifts for everyone in the family.

You are to be commended for your efforts to forge a relationship with your husband's family. Your stepdaughters likely need to mature a little bit more and there could be more bumps down the road, but I think you're on the right track.

You're awesome, my friend. Thanks for some straight talk from the heart.

Your father, I'm willing to bet, is realizing he no longer wants to sleep in the bed he made. Men have a hard time being alone, or at least that's what I've seen amongst friends and neighbors who have divorced or been widowed. He may have wanted the companionship of this woman, but I'm sure he got far more (or less, depending on how you look at it) than he bargained for.

I have acquaintances similar to your position. Their mother passed away and dad was quick to remarry, though I don't believe there was any OW business going on - just a quick courtship as in your case. He and his deceased wife had a vacation home in NC. The new wife went in and took down every single photo, decoration, or hint of a woman's touch throughout that home. The girls were horrified and hurt. They are somewhat estranged from their father, to whom they had been quite close, for years now. How sad.

Anyway, give your dad the support he needs. Does he ever talk about leaving this witch? I'm sorry, but she is a witch. She has no beef w/ you and it's a sin that she has carried on this way.

Even if he won't leave, just make it easy for him to love you (try your best to not dwell on her, but follow his lead should he bring her up and be dissatisfied.)

All the best,
Dana

I have seen other widowers marry hastily, because
they were desperately lonely after a long successful marriage.

Sometimes a man just longs for companionship, and
marries the wrong woman. It's a blessing to
marry the right person the first time around.

Loneliness can make people make bad decisions. It's easy to marry the wrong person the second time around when it seemed so easy the first time.

Also, sometimes the biggest fear is not being with the wrong woman. Sometimes the biggest fear is being alone.
On some level, the wrong wife can at least meet the need
for companionship, even if it's not a good marriage.

Even though he loves his adult children, they have their own families, and can't meet those needs.

One other thing: being a step-mother can turn you into something you don't recognize. It can make a sane woman act crazy, and a crazy woman acter crazier.

Regarding your advice to step-mothers: I know I can't make my husband pick me. He always makes his kids a priority over me and my children. His first family will always be
the valid one, and I will always be second best.

He was supposed to go and pick up my kids tomorrow at my parents house (4 hour drive), but has postponed it because his daughter made a spur of the moment trip into town.
She's staying at her mother's house.

He could have had dinner with her tonight, but she wants to have lunch tomorrow, so my kids will have to wait. (They have been gone a week, and I miss them). That's par for the course.

She is very "spontaneous" and doesn't believe in making plans ahead of time, so our lives are on hold waiting for her to make a decision. We will always change our plans, if she changes hers. In the past, when we have invited her to do things, she usually says, "I don't know, I'll have to see", which means, "If nothing better comes up, and I'm going to wait until the last minute to let you know, or maybe I just won't show up at all".

Southernsummer,

I find it incredibly sad that your husband always puts you second. I would never demand that my dad do that with my stepmother. What a way to make someone feel devalued.

As for little Miss Stepdaughter who never makes plans, I suspect she'd change her tune were she to miss out on something she'd really like to be a part of. I certainly wouldn't dance to her tune and I wouldn't expect my dad to do so either.

For instance, it would have been just as easy and a good lesson for her, had your husband said, "I'm so happy you've come for a visit. Unfortunately, I've made plans already, but I'll be back tomorrow and would love to see you then."

You have my sympathies, Summer. The fact is, all these situations could be helped by infusing a little more common courtesy, respect and love.

Great advice, Lily.

Southern, you are right on how the sane act crazy, etc. In the first meeting w/ the marriage counselor, I told DH and her that I just no longer liked who I had become. The only other time that happened to this extent, I ended the longterm relationship (my dental school bf - I felt like his mother by graduation, reminding him to do this and that - at Sr. awards, they awarded me a second diploma as they felt I should have had his, lol. It was a joke.) But, the same thing w/ my DH and SD - I just didn't like who I was becoming.

Southern, what are your children's ages? I have often felt similarly with respect to my DNephews and my DH. When his kids abandoned him (from the separation til they wanted cars), my DNephews were so important to DH. They didn't have a great hand, or even a good one, in the parenting dept. Anyway, I have always felt very hurt that DH seemed to drop them once his kids came around. From the outside, the reason my skids came back to him was obvious (cars.) But, my DNs could have really used the love and affection DH once gave them. This is actually a huge sense of bitterness on my part. Working through the other crisis was my immediate concern, but I have some deep seated resentment over DH not being active in my DNs' lives much anymore. I don't think my DNs know how I feel, but they realize it isn't the same w/ DH. DH blames my brother for not fighting for us in court to maintain the visitation schedule we had (daily, all weekends), but he could have done more, you know? He could have made the most out of our more limited time w/ them. He'd never say "no" to anything they'd want so it's not like he's slighting them for his children or anything. As I said, he's a very generous man, even when it's not realistic. It's just that my DNs needed a father figure as my brother wasn't a good one. It's better now, but something's not as I foresaw it on my wedding day when we wanted to try to get custody of them and they wanted to live w/ us. Not just my fantasy, but allegedly DH's, too. Guess I've had a few broken dreams myself.

Anyway, I have a feeling that your DH holds your sanity against you. Can't risk rocking the boat w/ your SD. She'll fly off the deep end. Even if Southern does, she's rational and will get over it. Same w/ your children. They're decent kids, I'm betting. They'll be understanding and courteous if he shafts them for his DD for a day. His DD wouldn't ever let him live it down. He'd probably have to buy her a house if he gave Lily's response about having plans...

Dana

Anyway, I have a feeling that your DH holds your sanity against you. Can't risk rocking the boat w/ your SD. She'll fly off the deep end. Even if Southern does, she's rational and will get over it. Same w/ your children. They're decent kids, I'm betting. They'll be understanding and courteous if he shafts them for his DD for a day. His DD wouldn't ever let him live it down. He'd probably have to buy her a house if he gave Lily's response about having plans...

So true. I usually maintain some decorum. I am usually quiet and dignified--same with my kids, although I have had my moments. DH counts on me being that way, and tiptoes around his unpredictable daughter.

Dana, that is so true.

The script was writting long before I got into the picture.

My kids are 11 & 13. They are good kids, and love DH--they treat him with respect. They would never complain to DH, but my DD has occasionally mentioned that she is sorry that she doesn't have the "big-sister" that she thought she would. (Join the club). They are used to SD's emotional outbursts. If she doesn't get her way, she has a melt down,and screams that she needs counselling. "My father fell out of love with my mother when I was 2....boo hoo". I said "how is that worse than what my kids went through"? My husband split when I had a bun in the oven, so he could buy a motorcycle, play games with a cute graduate student, and find himself.

The difference is that we picked up the pieces, quit whining and moved on. Oh...and the other difference is that we are not drama queens.

Southersummer,
just another perspective on your comment.

when we have invited her to do things, she usually says, "I don't know, I'll have to see", which means, "If nothing better comes up, and I'm going to wait until the last minute to let you know, or maybe I just won't show up at all".

I use to do this because I was running my own business with my main source of revenue coming on weekends. I had employees and payroll to meet. My day off was during the week, my SM/Dad the weekends. Even though I explained over and over how weekends were so tough for me to get away I was at the mercy of the business, the SM didn't seem to comprehend and felt I was being rude. It put tremendous pressure on me and if I asked to get together on my day off, that was unheard of, because she'd have to take a day off work.....she told me quite nastily that I had to preplan and although I could understand that if you live a 9 to 5 life, try running a business and being ON 7 days a week. That's not an excuse it was a reality of my life and I was doing the best I could, it had nothing to do with her or her being my SM. I was in a no win situation, if I declined her invitation I was being rude, if I said I'll try I was rude or I can't come until later in the evening (which never worked with her plans) I was rude once again. If once she'd said to me, boy we both have alot on our plate, we better talk about this and figure out what works for us all, I would have been so relieved, instead she used it against me, my failure as a responsible adult.

Not saying this is your situation, just another perspective.

I do run a business 7 days a week.
I do not have a 9 - 5 life.

She does not have a job.

She is a college student, and just got back from a vacation
to the gulf coast.

I am a doctor. I am organized with my time, but I do not work 9 - 5. Please don't think that I have an easy life.

SouthernSummer,

I hope I didn't offend you. Your SD is obviously being inconsiderate. Your husband changing his plans to pick up your children because SD came into town spur of the moment sends the wrong message to his daughter. My post was about the communication break down between my SM and myself, that we weren't able to recognize we had a logistic/timing problem as opposed to a personal problem.

Again, hope I didn't offend you, it wasn't my intention.

Not offended, just frustrated with the situation.

I'm not expecting miracles with SD. Just venting.

I have a few questions for the adult stepchildren regarding a situation we're having. I'm sorry this is so long but I wanted to give you as much info as possible. My DH is the most gentle & considerate man I've ever met and is deeply wounded that this situation has only worsened since we've married. Maybe you can help us. Please bear with me....

My SD is estranged from DH after continually lying to him throughout her life and not following through with behavioral promises she made. DH says she was always a pathological liar and is a manipulator and he cannot trust her. She manipulates by "crying, lying & playing victim" to gain sympathy. I have personally witnessed her throwing a 3-year old's tantrum at the age of 21 - throwing herself on the floor and faking loud boo-hoos upon slamming her bedroom door when she was told there would be consequences to her latest lie. Her younger brother continually falls for this - DH used to when she was younger. He would end up comforting her when she would start to whimper & cry. He felt sorry for her at the time b/c she was young.

DH made several counseling appointments for her when she was living with him. She would go once or twice and then stop. She went on depression meds a few different times and then would stop. When she was unpset with DH, she would hang up on him, one time telling him "F...Y.., Dad!" She never apologized for any of the hang-ups nor for cursing at her father. He has been at wits' end trying to get her to help herself but she refuses to do so - it seems she would rather manipulate to get her way rather than take any responsibility for her emotional health. This is not an adolescent child or a young teenage girl - this is a married woman with a child. Her husband has become her protector and when she "cries, lies & plays victim" he comes to her rescue to defend her. She even went so far as to lie to him early in their marriage, telling him that she had attempted suicide when she was young. DH had to be the one to tell her hubby that this event never happened. Her hubby was appalled and asked DH "Why didn't you tell me this before I married her?" DH's response was: "I'm really sorry....I guess I was hoping she wouldn't do this to you".

Over the past several months, she has begun to systematically destroy SS's relationship with his father. It appears she is succeeding b/c SS has begun acting cold & rude towards DH. SS lives on his own in another town and DH only speaks with him every few weeks. Recently, SS has made comments in SD's favor trying to get DH to feel sorry for her, hoping to excuse her behavior. DH calmly replied that she needs to get herself some professional help. No one need suffer with depression indefinitely anymore. There is help for those who want it.

SD continually shut DH out whenever he tried to find out what problems she was dealing with. We know there are no drugs or alcohol involved - this has been a life-long pattern with her.
To add to the mix, DH says that SD was always jealous of SS's close relationship with him and we're wondering if she has used a guilt tactic over the years (to her advantage) whereby causing SS to feel guilty that he & DH have a good relationship. This may be why he so readily feels sorry for her - out of guilt. He is not particularly close with her since they've both moved on into their own lives.

Her mother was a workaholic who did not partner with DH in disciplining SD about her continual lies - DH says she was not present when he would talk to SD about the lying and when the mother was informed, she did not think it was that big of a problem. The mother had an affair when the children were in their late teens and the marriage dissolved. I met DH two years after the divorce. The mother married her lover four months before we married and then began to show up at places where DH & I were (coincidentally?). She also did this when DH went out on his first date with another woman before me - SD had told her where the couple were going to be. She came by their table and flaunted her lover, acting surprised that DH was there.

QUESTIONS:
1) Would it be beneficial for DH to broach the subject of his estrangement with SS23?

2) If so, what would be a good way in which to broach this subject?

3) If SS says he doesn't want to "get involved", should DH tell him he suspects that it's too late for that by the way he is treating DH and ask that SS give DH a chance to explain his truth about the situation?

4) Or, should DH leave SS23 alone and trust that he will mature one day and realize that his sister is not trustworthy and manipulates people for her own benefit?

Thank you so much for advice!!