What would you do if you didn't like your mother-in-law?

I'd recommend focusing on the good reasons (your wife and son) not to make yourself scarce. You can probably muddle through anything for an afternoon visit, huh?

Just think of how greatful you are that your adult stepkid is only coming over to visit and does not live with you!

And I know you dislike your stepchild because of past issues, but do try to be kind. She is still a part of your wife.

Thanks folks. I've tried the "professional courtesy" routine; a Pastor once asked me if I liked everyone at work. Of course, no one does. He said, "how do you treat that person at work?" I said, "I'm professional and courteous." He said to try that approach with the stepchild. Perhaps thinking of the stepchild as "my wife's relative" might take the emotional charge out of it.

How I wish it were one night! It's 7 nights. But still, this is gravy compared to the days when she lived here!

At least for me, there is a difference between me not liking someone because they have done something that makes me angry and we need to settle it, and not liking someone because I think they're a toxic person and I don't want them in my life. If your SD just has been selfish, immature or irritated you then you can probably deal with your feelings about her behavior better than you could a situation where you thought she was just an awful person and no amount of conversation could ever "work it out".

consider yourself INCREDIBLY lucky that he doesn't LIVE WITH YOU!!!!!!!

Thurman,

When i see there is a post from you here on this Forum, i always read it because your situation with your step daughter reminds me alot of what my relationship was with my oldest step daughter. I truly, truly came to a point when i did not like her at all. I felt like i had given my all to that child and no matter what i did or said her father always always defended her.

Things changed the day i went away for 8 days all alone in my cottage with my dog and alot of books on step parenting, life, happiness, etc. etc. I truly thought i wanted out of my relationship with DH because of his daughter and her attitude towards me!

I have said this to you before and i will say it again. YOU ARE GOING TO DRIVE YOURSELF NUTS WITH THIS STEP DAUGHTER IF YOU DON'T DETACH FROM HER WITH LOVE.

I can feel in your writing the hatered you have for this person and how your life is just so miserable because of her. You don't think your son notices this? You don't think your wife is hurt by this? And most important look how hurt and sick and tired you are of this whole situation with your SD. You always say you are staying in the relationship with your wife because of your son, not because you love your wife or because you are determined to respect your wedding vows but for the sake of your son.

For years i thought my other two step children didn't know or cared about my relationship with their oldest sister. Well believe me, they did feel it and you know what.... i lost these two other step children for a little while because they were siding with thier oldest sister whom i couldn't stand anymore, with whom i had nothing, and i mean nothing in common except the fact that i was with her father.

So, as i've suggested before, and i don't know if you have followed the suggestion or not, because you don't seem to come back and write to us after we comment your post, is to read the book THE DANCE OF ANGER. Someone had suggested that book here on this Forum for step parents and i ordered with from the library and when i left the house for 8 days, i read that book over and over and over again. Life is short. Make it yours and make it happy for all those around you.

My relationship with my step daughter is now incredibly alot better than it ever was for the last 18 yrs. We actaully talked on the phone for more than an hour last night and I cannot wait to bring her two young daughters to the lake with us for a couple of days next week.

Everybody is a lot happier in our family. Please go away from your wife, son and step daughter for a bit and don't forget the book!

Ciao

well then why don't you think more about yourself and realize how happy you would be if you were not in a relationship with the mother of your son be....

I think you need to give her the benifit of the doubt and realize that she isn't a selfish little brat of a teenager anymore. Quit thinking of everything she does in a negative light. Act as if you are just meeting her for the first time and wipe clean the slate of the past.

I'm sure that you can probably get along well with her if you would put forth the same efforts with her that you expect her to put forth with you. Why don't you make a gesture of kindness toward her? Tell her you realize that you have not had the best relationship with her. Take ownership of the things you have done to contribute to the toxicity of the relationship and tell her you would like to start fresh. From your description of her, she sounds like she is a pretty ok person and she seems to have herself together. I assume she has friends and people around her who love her. Find what they see in her.

It seems to me that in effect you dont feel comfortable with either letting SD have time alone with mom or trying to be nice. Just curious as to ages of you and your wife. Is there any possibility that your wife will outlive you? Dont you want SD to be around to help her?

Thanks folks. Great posts. I will read the "Dance of Anger". Sounds very appropriate. Let me give you two examples of classic SD behavior in just the past 24 hours:

(1) I'm reading the paper. I dropped an insert on the floor. The way I was reclining, it was hard to get. My SD steps over the insert and goes upstairs. The normal person would say "Can I get that for you?" Or just pick it up. Now-- if Mommy was present, she would have picked it up, leading to more of Mom's praise of how wonderful she is.

(2) My wife's birthday is coming. She wasn't going to tell me she was taking her out for lunch. She picks friday lunch thinking I'm at work and can't go. But she's taking my son too. My wife, to her credit, made her ask me and I get an email today...even though she is visiting at the house this week. "Oh I forgot" but her mother told me she made her invite me...

I think I'll go, because Wed. I made the mistake of not going on an event that my wife, son and SD went on and regretted it the whole day.

Thurman,

I am so glad you came over to the Forum to let us know you had read our posts.

I understand you so much. I know in your heart you think this SD is doing just about everything in this world to make your life miserable. Let her be!

I remember once asking my step daugther to take a picture of me with her kids. I kept talking to her and she was ignoring me like i didn't exist. I was so upset i left the living room and went to my room. I thought i was going to kill her! I could hear her from the room calling her daughters to sit a certain way so she could take a picture of them for their grand-father, my DH. I wanted to come out of the room and punch her. I didn't but that is when i really started realizing what her goal was in life with me,...to make my life miserable!

What your SD did last night in regards to the insert on the floor is IGNORANT. But don't, don't, don't let it bother you. I swear to God if this girl treats you like this and from what i have read from your other posts, she does treat you in an ignorant way, ...she will regret it one day, some how, some where. She is too young and immature yet to realize this (even though she has studied medecine and seems like a serious person).

I have a big sneaky feeling your SD is extremely jealous of you. That's her problem. If it wouldn't be you she hated, it would be the other man her mother would be with. Let it go and let her be! Show her who is the smart one in the family!
If i were you, i would not go to the lunch on Friday. If her mother had to tell her to send you an email, that is because the girl didn't want you there in the first place. Fine. Don't be hurt by it! Let them go! Have fun! Bless them! During that time, you take care of you. Do something you like and enjoy and if that means staying home alone and reading or listening to music, well than that's it!

Take your wife out by yourself. No son, no SD. Just you and your wife. Don't talk about your son or her daughter. Tell your wife you love her cuz i know you do. You are hurt by her SD and how your wife keeps taking sides with her but you know what Thurman, every mother or father will fight for their child. You would for your son.

I would not go to lunch on friday with them on Friday. Perhaps if you do make yourself absent like this for couple of times ( i mean many times in the next few weeks) your wife will come to realize that she misses you and although she loves her daughter to death, your wife will realize that she loves you, you are her husband and she should be able to be with all the people she loves!

Keep posting. Take a deep breath! You will be fine.

The newspaper incident is pretty small potatoes Thurman. I mean really small stuff. And yet you're reading a lot into it, making yourself miserable because she didn't pick up a section of newspaper that you dropped? Yes, a really kind, considerate, observant person who was acting on his/her best behavior would have picked it up. But a pretty average person 'on vacation' at 'home' could easily act exactly the way SD acted without intending anything disrespectful.

And on the birthday lunch -- So SD wants to take Mom out for lunch on her birthday. This is a good thing. Your son is home for the summer so she invites him along to. Also a good thing. You're at work so not inviting you is not exactly a slap in the face. (I'm not suggesting that she wanted to invite you -- SD knows there's tension and would probably prefer you not be there. This is fair and reasonable.) OK - So Mom makes her invite you. (And why would she tell you this?) How's SD supposed to accomplish this gracefully? Same way anyone else would -- with a little white lie. "Oh I forgot..." Anyone else would have said the same thing. (By the way, my stepkids invite their dad to things all the time without necessarily including me -- doesn't bother me one bit! Why should it?)

You're making yourself nuts! Get that book already, and take Friday off to go read it. The sooner you disengage, the happier you will be.

Thurman, at the risk of getting flamed, I now have this mental picture of you as someone who expects women to be at his beck and call and pick up after him. Your paper is your responsibility. How many times do I read threads here where stepparents rant over kids who wont pick up after themselves? Maybe your wife is a saint who does pick up after you, but I think, based on your postings, that your expectations may be unreasonable. I think you are chagrined that SD doesnt pick up after you, wants time with her mother, etc.

Again, do you care at all if your wife were diabled, widowed etc?

PS Thurman, if you do attend the birthday lunch, I think you have an obligation to be pleasant. Not just polite and courteous. Otherwise, you shouldnt go. The lunch isnt about you. It is about your wife.

I quadruple the nomination for "The Dance of Anger". What a fantastic book for anyone to read. Since I read it a few years back I came to understand that in relationships I sometimes argue and then back down to preserve the status quo - I don't do this anymore. I have been able to very succesfully apply the lessons learned and avoid being triangulated the way I used to be by others in my family. Bravo for the author Dr. H. Lerner.

what sweeby & kkny said.

You're looking for something to be offended at, & going to the birthday luncheon will change it from an enjoyable visit to an ordeal in which everyone else present will be walking on eggshells, worrying that anything they say or do will set you off.

Do the gracious thing & *let them enjoy their visit*.

& you haven't answered kk's question;
do you want to alienate your wife's daughter so that your wife will have no one but you to depend on?

That's a classic sign of a controller/abuser.

Stop looking for something to be enraged about & acknowledge that this mother & daughter had a relationship before you came along, that that relationship did not get ditched when you came along, & that they do have the right to their relationship.

Get over yourself.

In my house, if someone dropped a circular onto the floor while reading the paper, we would assume that he did so intentionally to get it out of the way until he was done reading the paper, and wouldn't want anyone to pick it up.

As others have said, it seems like you are really reaching to find things to complain about.

I have to agree on the paper thing. Now, if you had nicely asked her to please pick it up for you on her way by and she ignored you I could consider that rude. . . but on the other hand my first thought was 'quit reclining and get it yourself. You dropped it!'

KK makes a point - we expect kids (not just step)to clean up for themselves. Isn't what's good for the goose good for the gander??

and if she had picked up the paper, you'd be complaining that by doing so, she was subtly criticizing you for dropping it on the floor in the first place and not immediately picking it up yourself...

Thanks folks for providing some balance for me. Sometimes I do lose that balance in my negative feelings about the S/D. I'm still not sure about the lunch...but my wife wants both my son and I to go. My son (who is a teenager) is not inclined to go, so if he doesn't, I certainly will not.

By the way, the book on Anger is written for women. Is it applicable for men too?

I understand how easy it is to get into that mindset where EVERY LITTLE thing they do is seen as a personal affront to you. I went through a very similar problem with my oldest step son. There was a time when everything he did WAS to spite me (he admitted to his councilor) but he was still dealing with his parents divorce. Years later when he had grown out of it I had a really hard time loosing that mindset. Sometimes I still have to take a step back and and re-examine his actions.

The rule of thumb I have developed is 'would I be mad if my son did that?'

Like the paper thing - I know my kids, they would just walk right over it without a second thought unless I said 'hey can you grab that for me?' So I would cut her some slack, unless of course, you asked her and she ignored you and kept walking. That would be rude.

The invitation thing - thats a different scenario. I would be upset by that one.

Just try to take a step back and try (and I know its hard) to look at her actions non objectively.

Thurman,
I have a SD who is 21 and really upset me a couple of years ago when despite a bad relationship with her father and me, we invited her to stay for the summer. She lied, stole, blah blah, it was a disaster. Fast forward two years and her father is now trying to have a relationship with her and she appears to want that. I, however, cannot forget what she did and I don't trust her. He argues that I need to let it go, I argue that she is a spoiled brat sociopath who doesn't have the same values that I do (honesty, conscience). I finally realized and have shared with my husband that she is the daughter of the man I love. She is not my family. Ironically, her younger brother has lived with me for 3.5 years and, for all intents and purposes, is my son! Anyway, as his daughter, I will put up with her when I have to, but won't go out of my way for her. When he wanted to take the kids on a trip for a few days I said "great idea - go bond with them, and I'll stay here!" When he wants to have dinner with her I say "go ahead, see you when you get home" Seriously, it is awesome because 1) I don't have to see her; 2) I get some ME time; 3) he enjoys spending time with just her (and you know she LOVES that I'm out of the picture). One caveat here is that I trust him -- I know he will be honest with me about their dealings....and I continually ask that he be aware of what may be an interest in her financial gain by meeting with him (Dad will slip me $50 if I see him kind of thing). I want her to see him because of him not because it is financially rewarding. She is very manipulative and I definitely would get mad if he is falling for her pity party.