Exactly...
"finedreams...easier said than done. My Dad lives several states away,"

In my case it's 2600 miles and a six hour plane ride...

"so when we see each other it is for long periods of time and rarely has it been without her there because she would not allow it."

And if he does come by himself, she's calling him every ten minutes so we never get time together.

"He also knows that if he takes up for me, he will have to suffer for it. If he takes up for her, or says nothing, then he doesn't have any consequences really. I might be angry, but I'm not going to stop visiting or I won't yell at him for not taking up for me."

Yes, my dad is grateful that I put up with her, he hates to travel with her too, and recognizes her selfishness at restaurants (can't not go out to eat with her, that's ridiculous!) just have to learn how to deal with it better, not ignore it, but constructively deal with it so I feel good and there's not a big issue every time we're together.

I can also relate to the experience of really liking girlfriends of my Dad's before he met my now-SM. There were two women he had long-term relationships with (actually simultaneously, which is a whole nother ball of psychological wax) before SM, both of which I really, really, liked and would have been glad to see him marry.

The latest craziness with all of that is that now that my dad is dying, SM has taken it upon herself to amke contact with both of these women. (Whereas before the mere mention of their names was strictly forbidden and after my grandmother died and one of the old girlfriends sent my dad a sympathy card for the loss of his mother, SM flipped out.) SM and my Dad both just love to pat SM on the back for how "gracious" she is being in initiating contact with the old girlfriends, and I have had my suspicions about her motives ever since it started last year. I figured her real motivation was a pre-emptive move to control the communications not only between my dad and these women but also between me and these women, since they were very dear to me and a significant part of my early memories of my Dad (my parents divorced when I was 2) and the parts of my childhood spent with him. I don't hink my SM could bear it if she thought I was going to "talk s**t" to these women about what an immature self-seeking person she is. (Honestly, if I was SM in the situation, knowing I'd behaved as an immature self-seeking person for so many years, i'd probably be smart to make the same pre-emptive move.)

So on my last trip to visit him, I got to see SM's intentions in action, as Old Girlfriend #1 came for an afternoon visit (reluctantly, but after having been assured with heaping doses of SM's charm on the phone that it would be hospitable). First of all, I got absolutely ZERO chance to talk to this woman ---let alone privately, I mean AT ALL--- because the entire conversation was dominated by talk of SM's job, SM and her new marriage to my Dad, SM and my Dad and how they have decorated the house, and then a TWO-AND-A-HALF-HOUR TOUR of the house (the house ain't that big, but the tour took that long) and a display of every antique in it. (My Dad has been in the antiques business since well before I was born and has several very nice things.) Old Girlfriend #1 just went thru a divorce (to another antique dealer) and didn't exactly fare well, and is on a very limited budget.

It would have been understandable to some extent if SM felt such a need to show off if Old girlfriend #1 just showed up and inserted herself into the scene. But SM basically lured her there and then once she got her stuck in the house, proceeded to show off for the woman for three solid hours. And I might have even given SM the benefit of the doubt ("oh she's just a happy newlywed, oh, she just loves the house so much...") had SM not said right after Old Girlfriend #1 departed (abruptly and practically in tears): "It must be so hard for her to see that I now have everything she doesn't have."

Callous, cruel, conniving... [I'll leave the last c-word in this list up to everyone else's imagination].

Finedreams...
"detach when they come to visit. just detach with love. disengage. get through the visit."

I love this "detach with love". Take a deep breath, and remember that I love my dad.

"Let the past go". I can laugh about it now, but it recently came up again because now family members are starting to realize how she is and talk to me about it, so it's all coming up again. Me going to visit family and leaving a box of photographs and yearbooks with my dad to store, her moving them out onto the driveway under a tarp and ruining the majority of them, then saying my dad moved them because they were taking up space in his office. Which he'd never do, because he rarely uses his office, I was only gone for three months...

There I go again. Deep breath!

Can't talk with mom, she gets way too angry. No siblings. Talked to cousin about it once, he turned around and told his mom, who told my dad that he was "so upset that I was critical of his favorite aunt". Nevermind that the cousin told me he wanted to kill his parents, and I didn't repeat that!

Have a few people I can talk with, one cousin who came to visit, they invited her to stay with them, I warned her, and sure enough the next day she called to see if she could come to my house. SM was so rude to her and her husband. Then another aunt had the same issue. Came to stay, was treated awful.

Wanted impartial advice, so thank you!

I don't take it as a personal attack on me as a step mother. In the first years of my dad's marriage, there were things I could harbor resentment for. For instance, when my grandmother died, I lived three hours away and when I got there, my step mother had taken the prettiest hand made Christmas ornaments from the box and we were allowed to each choose one from the remaining ornaments. Then, Christmas came around and we went to dad's house and none of my grandma's ornaments were on the tree, she had decided to buy a new set where everything matched perfectly. I still don't know what ever happened to my grandma's ornaments. But, she was married to my dad so I have to assume my dad has them still or allowed her to give them away. She also has three kids and on Christmas that year, her kids were getting expensive things, (appliances and expensive clothes) and I got inexpensive perfume and my sisters got similar. My older sister threw a fit on the way home about how unfair it was. We were 18 & 21 and even then, yes I thought it wasn't nice but I didn't think it was my place to whine about gifts. I was hurt that my dad didn't do his own shopping and that she made such an obvious choice to lavish her kids and not his. A few years later, when I was in my early 20's, I was in a relationship and she was in her Master's program to be a family therapist. That is when i started to talk to her and she became closer to me. I could have held the grudge for what she did a few years earlier but I let it go. My sisters never did.

Twelve years ago, she suffered a brain aneurysm and is in a permanent vegetative state. Her kids don't come see her and could probably care less if she is dead or alive. They are oh so worried about getting an inheritance though. But, I am helping take care of her. I feed her, bathe her, clean up after her while my dad is at work.

I do know what it's like to have the rug pulled out from underneath me. I've just learned how to get back up and wipe off the dust and move on. I never said it was easy.

I'm so sorry! That must have been hard to watch! My SM did a similar thing with her new car, gushed over it, showed all the tricks, etc, then said "I bet you wish someone would buy you a new car" to my mom. Yeah. But my mom and dad had matching motorcycles, a renovated school bus that they took to Mexico for 9 months, a convertible and a great house twenty years prior, all which my mom had worked equally on. And, she helped put my dad through school. SM doesn't work at all, just complains that she's not rich enough. So my mom drives an old car. And she is poor. But my SM just rubs her face in it every chance she gets.

Have you spoken with the ex-girlfriend since? Your SM must be really insecure. What a terrible thing to do to someone.

That's funny that he had two that you liked at the same time, then ended up with this one! Or sad. A little of both?

Did your dad know she was doing this? Or would he not have seen it the same way you did? Give the benefit of the doubt, she's just proud, she was just feeling bad for the woman that she didn't make out as well as your SM did, it wasn't viscious...after all, she invited her so she must be beyond all that...

That's the hard part. I think instinctively you can tell when someone is being mean. It's hard to put into words, or describe, but when you're there, tasting the air around them, you can tell something is rotten!

"trust me when I tell you it can always be worse.... I'd trade you places if I could."

Imamommy, I don't know what you mean by that, and I'm sorry if your life feels worse than what I'm going through. I don't know if you'd really want to trade places though.

Broken families are hard. I'm a SM and my husband is a SD. We each have a girl, and we each were married to just about the worst people on the planet. His ex was physically abusive and took him completely financially and is still trying to pull money from him and my ex was a closet meth addict (kind of hard, but he pulled it off for five years without me finding out). I have much bigger worries than my stinky step mom. It's not my whole life. But it's coming up because of the impending visit.

It's not that bad for me and it could be worse, I know. It has been worse. I spent two years getting away from my ex and now have to deal with double step issues as well as my step issues!

Thank you for saying "I'm sorry if you feel attacked or demeaned by me. That's not my intention". It just feels like the blame is coming out, to get a life, get over it, get on with it. I'm glad you were able to have a relationship with your SM. It sounds like you had a few misunderstandings and were able to work it out. We have had jillions of intentional meanness that just when I get past another one happens. Different people, different circumstances.

Hmm...I don't think posting on a message board about an issue you want help with or even just to vent automatically implies that those issues are the focus of your whole life.

I mean, what are you lot doing on here? Go get a life, hahaha.

"But not everyone comes from the land of step relationships are great."

That's very true.

"Different people, different circumstances." And this too.

"Nivea, I believe, (correct me if I'm wrong) admitted that she can see how her father is contributing to the issues she's facing with her family. And I can see how having little kids in this situation would be of concern. How can she help the little ones when she sees the trouble coming?"

Yep, you are correct. My father isn't a saint by any means. Well, I tend to think that no one is a saint but whatever.

I do see the trouble coming and the fallout has already landed pretty hard on my little siblings. It's pretty tough on them and it's hard on me as well since I know where they are at and have felt all of that at one time. And I'm not exactly sure what to do to help them. And I'm put in the middle.

If my SM had just done a few little things that got under my skin, I would've let it go a long time ago. The fact that these things continue to happen every time I'm around her is what I'm having a hard time accepting. I think that is what nivea and silversword are saying too.

I can tell how you feel about your mother and her behavior. Imagine if she were your SM and if everytime you saw your dad you had to see her too. How would you feel about her. BTW, my SM also has a drinking problem, like your Mom. It's hard to be around somebody like that for days at a time. Know what I mean?

nivea,

just a suggestion how to help your siblings. DD recently went through what you are going through. When X left his 2nd wife for TOW and DD's brother was devastated, DD was extra loving with her brother. She was very sad for him (the way you are sad for your siblings). She called him more often and talked. I recently observed them interacting and DD acts very protective of him. maybe by showing extra attention or spending more time wiht your siblings you could help them to deal with divorce. you can certainly help by making them feel that they have older sister to rely on. you can also tell them that mom and dad love them very much and will always be their mom and dad. and they always have a big sister or somehting of the sort.

I wish it was that simple, finedreams. And I don't feel like hijacking this thread and explaining it all here. But thanks for the advice :)

"If my SM had just done a few little things that got under my skin, I would've let it go a long time ago. The fact that these things continue to happen every time I'm around her is what I'm having a hard time accepting."

I'll agree, everyone is different. I let those things that my step mom did, go. My siblings didn't. Eventually, I was able to have a relationship with her where there was some trust and friendship. We were never anything remotely resembling mother/daughter. But, we were able to find a mutual respect for each other. Part of it may have come from my (self perceived) maturity in trying to see her for the person she was and not for seeing how she made me feel. I don't know if that makes sense, but instead of getting upset at things she said or did, I tried to understand WHY she did them. I could see it as insecurity but I didn't truly understand until I was put in the position she was in, the position of raising/dealing with someone else's child. Then, things clicked together a little bit more. My siblings have never been in those shoes, so I understood how she felt a little bit better. I also understood that she had already raised one stepson before with her first husband so she had a bad experience as a step parent and perhaps she expected all step children to be like that one. So, maybe she didn't give us a fair shake to begin with. But, instead of resenting her, I looked for common ground and tried to be understanding. I realize that's not possible in every situation, but it takes two to keep a battle going.

"I can tell how you feel about your mother and her behavior. Imagine if she were your SM and if everytime you saw your dad you had to see her too. How would you feel about her. BTW, my SM also has a drinking problem, like your Mom. It's hard to be around somebody like that for days at a time. Know what I mean?"

My mom does come to town for holidays at dad's house. I am the party planner in the family and I do all the cooking at my dads. The whole family is there, including my mom. She doesn't drink anymore, she has diabetes now. She still makes comments about wishing my dad would take her back, do I think he would, hasn't his wife died yet, why do I bother taking care of her, I should put a pillow over her face, etc. (I almost prefer the drunken mom to the person she has become) But, she won't talk that way in front of my dad. She's behaved herself the last few times because dad told her she isn't welcome if she can't be nice.

I think it is a good idea, especially since I am both!! I have been a Step Child for so many years and still am and well its odd being on the other team, step parent and I find it all so difficult

It sounds like you have a very unique situation, Imamommy.

nivea when did I say it was simple? although i have to say that it is up to the people to make it less complicated and eliminate the drama. you said you are not sure how to help them so since I observed someone actually helping younger sibling going through parental affair and divorce i thought I could answer yours (possibly rhetorical) question. i suggested you take some steps in making your siblings to feel better (unless you have no relationship with your siblings, then it is entirely different sad story). you don't need to explain anything, but if you share here then it is obvious that people will comment. if you don't want advice or comment then what is the point of sharing in public forum?

Thanks for the advice finedreams :)

If my SM had just done a few little things that got under my skin, I would've let it go a long time ago. The fact that these things continue to happen every time I'm around her is what I'm having a hard time accepting. No. Accepting doesn't have to mean being ok with it, and it doesn't have to mean forgiving (although depending on the specifics, it could), and it (can be) an ongoing process. It doesn't mean never being angry or hurt or frustrated or sad. Don't aim for the impossible here. You can't change the SM. You can't change the dad. There's a limit to how much you can change your own emotional response. You accept the fact that your reality includes a stepmother who is selfish, mean, whatever she is, and you accept the reality that sometimes your father supports her over you and you accept the reality that sometimes you will be hurt or angry, and you accept that it's not fair and there's nothing you can do to change it. I know I'm probably not explaining it well.

You look at the situation as it is. You look at what you could do to change it. For example, you could estrange yourself from your father. You could only agree to spend time with him without her. You could start to call her out every time she does bad behavior xyz. Etc. You decide whether the things within your power to change would make things better or worse. Do the ones that might make things better. Then recognize that you have done the best that you can do, and accept that you can't do any more. Stop trying to do what can't be accomplished. You don't have to accept her , what you accept is yourself, and the fact that your life is not exactly the way you would choose it to be, and that you have done your best to improve it, and that this is what you have.

And no I'm not saying it's easy. Does any of that make sense at all?

LOL FD!
"Just take the shirt off and iron your own shirt!"
That cracked me up.

It does make sense and I have learned to get along to get along, so to speak. It's just frustrating and it would be nice to have a place to vent about it so I don't explode. It's even more frustrating to vent and have people telling you to move on, get your own life, get over it, it's not a step-family issue, etc., etc.

That is why it would be nice to have a forum for stepchildren.

Raek ... thats exactly how alot of the SM's feel ... just nice to vent and have someone say wow that sucks I can sympathize with you ...

Instead we get bashed over stupid stuff ... same as you we are told to "get over it" move on let it go ... and worst of all we get blamed for all the problems in our relationships with our SC.

Its always the SM's fault never once has any of the BM's on here who are not in a SF situation ever said ... anything negative about the BM's we deal with ....

One SM has a diagnosed mentally ill BM and she is told she watch what she says because its an inherited trait.

One SM's hubby fought for months to get a set visitation schedule a week after the set schedule BM left the child with the father. I could give a few reasons why but they don't matter. SM is told its because she's a control freak.

One SM filled in for months while mom was too busy working. BM gets a new BF and she is all of a sudden MOTY. BM has her children so twisted they have turned on the dad and SM.

I could go on ... but you get the point we just want to vent too and not be bashed because of how we feel we have been treated.

Hi,
That is how I'm feeling too. It's really hard to be on both ends of the spectrum. When I was 21 I was engaged to a man who had a three year old from a previous marriage. It was very difficult because she would tell me "you're not my mommy" and I would respond, "no, I'm not, but we can be friends, can't we?" while my heart broke. It was one of the hardest relationships to work through for me. We didn't end up getting married, after three years split up. But we still talk, and he says that his daughter still asks about me and tells her dad she loves me.

But the perspective is good (which is why I told that little story) because now I know what it's like to be a SM and I feel a little more empathy for my DH when my daughter is less than kind. I think they're just trying to make sure that they are loved when they say stuff like that. Defining the relationships, if you will.

I was never a young child with my SM. My dad met her when I was 18. We never lived together, or had to really share anything. It seems the relationship should have been fairly simple. But she keeps driving this giant rock into the works. It makes it hard to be civil to her.

I empathize with you Jadedwolv, I know it's hard to be both!

My father's wife is so twisted that she throws away cards both I and my kids send to my father and deletes voice messages from anyone in my family. It's a ridiculous situation. It's a long story and I truly need a place of support to vent about this woman. Here are the bullet points.

-Father leaves my mother for SM 40 years ago - I was 7
-I visit father at 16 and SM is jealous before she ever lays eyes on me (my father told me this)
-She makes derogatory comments to me about my mom - I gave her a VERBAL smackdown
-Father divorces her
-He remarries her
-Father & I fall out about college plans
-We don't speak for 30 years
-I contacted him last November on a whim after speaking to my half brother who my father also abandoned
-He, my brother & I reconcile
-I wrote SM a letter suggesting that we lay aside the past & move on-she threw it away & states to my father she wants nothing to do with me
-She's been berating my father since he began communicating with my brother & I
-Father has come to visit in March & is returning next month

The story is long and complicated but basically the only one acting a fool after our remarkable reunion is my father's wife. We have not asked for anything - we simply want to spend time with our father getting to know him, asking questions and healing some wounds. He has raised and cared for her child all of her life - yet she doesn't want our father to even talk to us? It's remarkable how selfish this woman is.

So YES, I can't wait to have a forum to vent about this situation with others that understand. I have been on every side of the step-family situation, I'm a step-mother now and I can't fathom ever trying to keep my husband from his children.

Here's a post I wrote about our reunion.

Well, I'm convinced that miracles still happen. Last week my father visited me after being absent for 30 years and we had a wonderful time filled with acknowledgments, forgiveness, laughter & affection. I have so much to say that I can't seem to formulate my post right now....but here goes.

My brother and father arrived at my front door and my father and I greeted one another with a big hug and kiss - all the apprehensiveness I'd built up evaporated the moment he extended his arms to hug me. I sensed a certain amount of nervousness in him as I settled him into his room and took him on a tour of our home. As we walked from room to room that nervousness dissipated as he spontaneously hugged and kissed me on the cheek again - I was a little shocked at first but it sure did feel good - lol. From that point on we were inseparable and he held my hand 80% of the time he was in my presence.....it was the sweetest thing.

During his visit time was spent golfing, chatting, taking pictures, and simply holding hands. You can see the joy we shared in the pictures taken. I'd wake up in the mornings and tap on his door - he'd tell me to come in, gesture me to sit on the side of the bed and then extend his arms to hug me. I'd sit there as he held my hand and rubbed my arm and expressed his joy at being here - I believe in my heart that he was truly happy to see me and embrace me once again. As the days progressed we'd steal a few moments here and there and he would tell me over and over how much he loved me and acknowledged he'd done little to show it all these years.

While we have a long way to go to repair our family, I think my father took some important steps in doing the following:

* He took total responsibility for his bad choices regarding his family including his failure to contact us
* He was willing to come here and face all of us, children, grandchildren, in-laws, out-laws, extended family, etc. not knowing how he would be received
* He was very humble and gracious with every one of us - even those that displayed anger and resentment
* As we were dining - he expressed to us that this experience was a miracle and it was also the best week of his entire life

My father is an old man that has discovered in the 4th quarter of his life that my oldest brother and I still have love for him in spite of himself - just because he is our father - apparently love never dies. He has also expressed his love for us and a willingness to become part of our family although he has some serious obstacles to overcome (his wife does not want him to have ANYTHING to do with me - that's another post). What comes next is totally up to him. Will he embrace this last chance to finally mend with his own children and become a part of our lives?

In the end, God was working thru this family with a power I'd never witnessed before. It was a beautiful experience I'll not soon forget. There are so many other things that happened that I'll share here and there....I just wanted to get something out for those of you that have been so supportive of me in this journey. Thanks again.

What I meant by "accepting" is realizing there's a pattern here, and SM is just being herself and not getting overworked about it. This is my reality. I'm not hurt by my dad choosing her side over mine very often because (I'm not that young anymore) and I don't put myself in that situation for her to have any power over me. I give it up in the beginning so there is no issue. But then I have to remind myself not to feel irritated by her lack of acknowledgement that everyone just gave in to her because she's a spoiled brat.

"You look at the situation as it is. You look at what you could do to change it. For example, you could estrange yourself from your father."

I have done that. For many years. That doesn't work for me :)

"You could only agree to spend time with him without her."

We aim for that anyway. But he wants a family. As do I. I don't want to exclude anyone. When she wants to come to the mainland to visit her mom and he's coming to visit me, I can be adult enough to endure for three days.

"You could start to call her out every time she does bad behavior"

Yes. I could. But try doing that to even a good friend, and it becomes quickly apparent that people don't want to be called on their BS. I'm aiming more for easing the way rather than confrontation. I've found it doesn't work, she gets defensive, then I'm "attacking" and the whole visit turns into a battle. I just want to be able to spend a few days without getting hyper stressed over trying to maintain my sanity around an obviously disturbed woman. Seriously, she has a lot of issues, one main one that is abandonment/inferiority. She is insecure about my dad and I's good relationship. When I was a kid we'd go to Canada to one aunt's house, and drive down to So. Cal, visiting friends, family, for months. She and he can't barely take a plane ride together. I'm kind of like the old girlfriend, (humor me here), in that we had a shared past, it was really fun and we have a great time reminiscing about it, and she wasn't there. And no, we don't throw it in her face, or make her watch old family videos,etc. But she's jealous of his sisters for their shared history too. Her insecurity is so large it's actually tangible.

"Does any of that make sense at all?"

It does, thank you. And thank you for taking the time to write. But I guess I'm just not able to clarify what is going on. I think this post shows just how difficult it is to communicate. I don't know how to clearly state what I want.

1. To maintain a relationship with my dad.
2. To create/maintain a family for my daughter.
3. To make family gatherings as comfortable as possible for everyone involved.
4. To prevent her toxic crazy behavior from affecting me.
5. To show her in a kind, non-intrusive way, how illogical and damaging her behavior is.
6. To not engage myself in battle with her.
7. To protect my daughter from her jealousy (it's already started. My daughter can't spend the night at their house, even though they have a two story house with a fully equipped downstairs, because my SM needs her sleep. My dad has to rent a hotel room down the street) It's a good thing she didn't have that baby at 45, eh?

There are some step parents and step kids who get along great and some who don't bottom line. In the case of all parties being involved being adults it is totally irrelevant who is more to blame for a bad relationship.

The reality is the bio parent in the picture is an adult and if he/she chooses to be married to a nightmare step parent or if the adult step kids are just grown brats and don't want her around, it doesn't matter either way, the only person who can do something about it is the bio parent. Not the adult step child. It is on your fathers to put your step mothers in their place and if they don't there isn't alot you can do other than cut him off or cut down visits.

The Bio parent has the intial choice between staying with the step other and then it's on the adult step children to make their decision from there....can we stomach this person or no? It's that simple. The people involved are grown and have to make their own choices.

Nivea in your fathers situation it sounds like he'd rather be uninvited from family functions than divorce this woman...it is his choice to make. He will deal with the consequences.

WOW!
30 years is a long time. Good for you- being the one to break the ice! It sounds like your dad is really happy to be back in your life. I can't see what your SM would have to gain from keeping him from you (what I don't understand is why SM/SD don't realize how bad it makes them look to do this kind of thing). Kids don't choose to be born. It's not their fault their parents made the choices they did.

Your dad is coming to visit you again? How does your brother feel about all of this? Is he experiencing the same rejection from her?

By the way, my SM has also told my dad she is jealous of me. For some reason he told her that he prefers short blonde women, and she is a tall brunette. Well, my mom and I are both the opposite, so she has major self-esteem issues about that. But she is jealous about everything. When I was engaged the first time she was jealous because he was very protective of me and opened doors, buckled my selt belt for me, etc. When I got married, she was jealous of my house and the fact that I married a Jewish man - she's Jewish. Now, she's jealous because my DH is very intelligent and "metrosexual" (my dad is super smart but will go out in holey shirts, stained pants, with uncombed hair and has no interest in looking polished).

Why would your SM be jealous of you? Is it everything overall, or just that you represent the fact that your dad had a life before her?

I'm so sorry that this is happening. I only hope that your dad realizes life is too short to cut off the people you love and continues to make the effort to have a relationship with you and your brother despite her intolerance.

Thank you for that heartfelt post...Gives me hope that things can work out for me in similar situations of estrangement...Siversword.....Your goals are reasonable and admirable..Maybe , as in Neitzas post, you can have a little hope for change Good luck....

It sounds like it would be an awesome idea to start an Adult Step-child message board. Just be sure that it doesn't become a "bitter" adult step child message board exclusively.

There are more than just bad step relations out there. Some children eind up CLOSER to their step's than their bio's...especially when there is death or abandonment involved. It is vital to hear other sides of the story and even on this message board people (including myself)sometimes have a very hard time staying objective. We probably all miss out on good view points that way.

Hey, if me er whatever I am isn't allowed in, that is cool with me. Who was it that said I refuse to join a club that would have me as a member. Mensa didn't allow me in either. OH wait, no it was me who told them they were a bunch of geeks.

But then who was it who said if you want a pond to stay fresh you have to have a stream running in and out? Geez old age sucks:(

Can't remember who said what anymore;)

My brother is ecstatic about my father being back in our lives as am I. We talk to him frequently on the phone and our conversations are substantive. It's been a joy for all of us - again the only one angry about the reunion is his wife. You would think she would be happy that he has been given an opportunity to make peace with his children - but she seems more interested in raising hell - but I realize that it's my father's problem - not mine. It just infuriates me that she is deleting messages and intercepting mail from his children and grandchildren. She threw away a father's day card my kids sent to him.

This woman acts like I am "another woman"...it's the strangest thing I've ever experienced. My father is growing weary and has threatened to leave her - which I've discouraged...he's an old man and I can't imagine him starting over at this age. He should be able to maintain his marriage and have a relationship with his bio-kids.

"it doesn't matter either way, the only person who can do something about it is the bio parent. Not the adult step child"

I disagree. I think I can do something. There has to be a way to communicate with someone I'm not getting along with in a way that is not threatening or abusive. Without compromising my integrity or well being.

I just haven't figured it out yet! :)

I have:
1. Estranged myself
2. Commented every time she makes a mean/abusive remark
3. Ignored her
4. Brought it up with family and gotten rejected
5. Had family bring it up with me and been vindicated
6. Let her have her way
7. Made a game where I give her what she wants before she wants it, pre-empting any hissy fit on her side
8. Talked to my dad about it
9. Talked with her, empathizing with her on her issues, like her health, friendships, inability to break into our small town easily.

Now, she is "dying" of diabetes and everything is concentrated on her health/diet.

The biggest issue is that she feels that she is an ok person doing ok things. I think she is a selfish brat. There is plenty to go around, food, money, love, energy and she is hording and whining that she is not getting her share. So I have tried giving her more, to see if the extra energy will invigorate her/jumpstart her. Nope. She just got used to it and now expects more.

How can we tolerate, and appreciate those people in our lives who are difficult but not going to go away? I keep trying new things because I want to be able to work this out.

My realization the other day was that I have a choice of what kind of person I want to be. I know, I know. DUH. But it's the first time it clicked. Here's what happened. I'm at a party at my DH's aunts house. A woman who is very nasty and judgemental and I are talking about the house I just bought and how I am redoing the gardens and she says, you should get H (my DH's uncle) to help you design your garden. And H walked over, put his arm around me and said that I'm a great gardener and he learns a lot from me. Now, H is a certified horticulturist who is very garden proud, with good reason. But he chose to give me the energy instead of basking in it himself. And I realized he and his wife do this often. They are constantly putting people "up" and recognizing their strengths instead of making themselves superior.

I want to be a person who brings others up. I have been experimenting with this and it really works. (as an aside, I recognize in myself the tendancy to be a know it all and a bore)

So, my issue here is letting go, moving beyond, not getting sucked into other people's whirlpool, giving up power to increase the power of others, letting my SM have her way because I am not three anymore and can have my way in other ways, in essence "feeding" my SM because her hunger is so obvious.

Like Imamommy says..."She still makes comments about wishing my dad would take her back, do I think he would, hasn't his wife died yet, why do I bother taking care of her, I should put a pillow over her face..."

Her mom obviously has regrets. She wants the dad back. She is angry at the SM and angry that Ima helps the SM out. Maybe jealous that Ima is doing so much for SM. Mom needs fed. She is hungry for dad, she is hungry for Ima's love and attention. She doesn't have her old standby friend alcohol.

What would any of us do if our mom said this to us? We have several choices.

1. Listen and not comment. Result: feeling yucky and needing to vent to others (probably poor DH!)

2. Listen, and tell mom she's being irrational (dad is still married to SM, and obviously we're not going to put a pillow over SM's face). Result: Fight with mom, she transfers feelings to us rather than real target and we get dumped on.

3. Figure out what the real issue is, figure out a way to state back what mom wants so she feels heard and that her feelings are valid. Figure out a way to turn situation from mom being angry to mom seeing reality. Result: mom feels accepted by daughter, mom feels validated and maybe can move on with her life.

Not that those are the only choices. But that's all I can come up with. Maybe others have more ideas? My point is that I'm trying to engage in difficult situations in a way that things are opened rather than closed.

WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE. WE DO HAVE THE POWER TO CREATE AND MAINTAIN FAMILY TIES. WE ARE NOT CHILDREN ANYMORE!!!

Neitza-

It sucks but like I said not all step parents are stellar. I'm sorry you seemed to haven gotten stuck with one.

If your father leaves her it will be his decision and if not you and your brother will have to decide how much you are willing to stomach. Seems unfair I know. I agree he should be able to have both but in some deranged cases it just doesn't happen that way. Some adult kids think they can "fix" their parents but that isn't true and it's so hard becuase no one likes seeing a family member manipulated

I hope things get better for your brother and yourself. Good luck.

Silversword-

You can DEFFINATLY try to work something out with step. What I meant was more those who try to "save" their bio parent from a terrible marriage. Only that bio can make the decision to leave. Adult kid's can not force their bio/step parents into divorce just like they couldn't stop it from happening with their bio parents. You are right...you are not a child anymore but neither is your father.

When people are adults they make their own decisions. We all think we can change people but we can't.

Pseudo, there are plenty of resources for stepmom's and boatloads of message boards on the web dedicated to solely stepmom issues.

Doodle, my father IS divorcing my former stepmom. He's found another woman! LOL, although it really isn't that funny.

Speaking for myself, I think the notion that the bio has the power just isn't that easy. Yes, they should be making sure that their child is not badly mistreated by the step, but in some cases, again...it isn't that easy or even noticeable what is happening.

I know directly from my father that he had thought about divorce many times due to some of my former SM's issues, but it was complicated for him because they had a few children very early into marriage.

In the past 6 or so years I've become increasingly aware of my fathers issues, but that doesn't mean every stepkid's situation is the same or that every stepkid is at an emotionally mature level when this is thrown into their lives. A lot of people voice what they would do or how they handled something, in a situation totally foreign to others. I didn't hold the answers overnight, it took me time and really researching and talking to others to get a feel on what was happening in MY situation.

I do hold my father responsible, but at the same time my SM was her own person and choose 100% on her own to create problems, due to her own insecurities and unbalanced way of living. The fact the my father let her (in a way, which is also too complicated to go into here) does not absolve her from responsibility for her actions.

And yes, I think there is nothing wrong in discussing my problems/issues about her without voicing that my father was ultimately responsible. After all, it is just a discussion and I believe working through issues helps, rather than just sweeping it under a rug.

"This woman acts like I am "another woman"...it's the strangest thing I've ever experienced."

What is it about some people that they think their relationship is so fragile that they are intimidated by the person's family members. It's not like you are anywhere near competing with her! I'm sure your dad can have more than one meaningful relationship without someone not getting enough love. And there are so many kinds of love, like eskimos with snow! child love, parent love, spouse love, friend love, animal love, relatives love, in-laws love etc. To deny your father an opportunity to love his children is cruel.

But I'm with you, I want my dad to be happy, and I don't want to throw a wrench in his love life. Someone above said it's all his responsibility (or the bio-parent's responsibility).

I think that just because he doesn't know how to deal with it either does not make it ok to estrange oneself because of mutual lack of knowledge of what to do. It's a work in progress, right? It's not all his responsibility (that would be reverting back to childhood where dad is responsible for everyone's feelings/wellbeing).

I'm glad your brother is there for you. I wish I had a sibling to share this with!

I disagree. I think I can do something. There has to be a way to communicate with someone I'm not getting along with in a way that is not threatening or abusive. Without compromising my integrity or well being.

I just haven't figured it out yet! :)

Silver, this may be the case in your situation, I don't know. But it isn't always. There should be a way but that doesn't mean that there is one. For me (which my "problem person" is my mom's SO) there just isn't. At least not always and not about everything. There are certain things that I have to just accept this is the situation I'm in and nothing I can do will change it . Or, maybe more accurately, nothing I am willing to do (that whole compromising my integrity or well-being thing coming into play). Understanding and accepting that doesn't make all the associated problems magically disappear, but it does save me from endlessly and painfully banging my head against that proverbial brick wall that is never going to come down.

You know I couldn't even find a google group for Adult Step Children - it's as if we are invisible. I can't wait to see a forum set up. Nivea if you'd like some help, please let me know.

Nivea "And yes, I think there is nothing wrong in discussing my problems/issues about her without voicing that my father was ultimately responsible. After all, it is just a discussion and I believe working through issues helps, rather than just sweeping it under a rug."

That's exactly it. This forum is for the discussion of our lives and how we are dealing with it, putting ourselves and our situations out there for comparison/enlightenment/sharing with our fellow board members. And thank you, by the way. It's very interesting to see just how many people have similar issues, and how many people are out there blaming it on the child/bio parent.

You could have started this forum out by saying "my dad is an adult, he is responsible for all the issues, I can make him deal with it/fix it or I can estrange myself".

Well, end of discussion! Problem solved. LOL! Why didn't we think of that!

It's not ALL anyone's fault. It's bio-parent, it's SP, it's me. Now how can I work out my portion so we can have a family, or if we don't, so at least I feel I did all I could?

I think many of us have had our feelings invalidated for so long we feel angry at bio-parent for getting us into this situation and not fixing it, angry with SP for their contributions, and helpless because we can't figure out a way to make it work.

neitza-

There was a big rift (but not a total break) that formed around the time I was first off to college as well. This marked a major transition period in that it was the first time my dad and I had ever had a major argument (I have never lived for any long period in the same state or in his house, always visited, since my parents' divorce when I was 2) and was the beginning of a new phase of more *open, direct* hostility from SM to me. In hindsight, and from reading these boards over the last several months, I have come to realize that it was because I was turning 18, and largely because of the money issues associated with college. It would have never occured to me that so many step-parents would have this "deadline" (or "release date") in their minds wherein they imagine they will be forever emancipated from ever having to think about or deal with or see their spouse's biological children again. But I think this is the cause of many tensions in many step-families.

Silversword-

Your frustration with the price of "peace" is exactly what I feel in relation to my Dad and SM. Yes, I bend over backwards, maintaining total flexibility (because I have to) and anticipating three moves ahead of what she will do (again, b/c I have to, so as not to be taken aback or shocked) ALL in the effort to rise above the petty b.s. and not let it have power over me. I just came back from a week-long visit less than a week ago and I am utterly exhausted, every muscle in my body is sore, from holding in all the tension at the 50 ways she tried to sabotage the visit. Which, as you describe, is intended to upset me so that if I manifest the slightest reaction whatsoever it immediately thrusts me in the role as the one with "The Problem"; a battle ensues and I ALWAYS lose. Not only lose, but get thoroughly invalidated to the point of humiliation and heartache I will never be able to fully describe. She knows this, and delights in it, so she tries her damnedest to be as offensive as possible (at this point it's crossed a line from even being just her natural behavior, and now she purposely exaggerates it.) No matter how outrageously inappropriate her endless list of perpetually-unsatisfiable demands are ("spoiled brat", as you describe, comes to mind), somehow the slightest bit of protest from me makes me the Wrong One. So what other choice to I have but to suck it all up? Especially if I want to see my father at the end of his life, because I was banished before for expressing feelings and concerns and I absolutely refuse to let it happen again. Meanwhile, my Dad is very pleased with me right now, which is great, but I fear that it's because he thinks everything's fine, and not because he is proud of me for being stronger than her crap and not letting it drive me away or reduce me to tears like it used to.

You expressed some uncertainty about WHY these women (which btw DO NOT include all SMs, I know this) do it, why they want to make things so difficult, why they want to drive a wedge between dad and his bio-kids. Sadly, I think it's pretty simple. They do not want us to exist. Period. It's that simple. Either it's because they want to have every cent of our fathers' money, or they want to have every nanosecond of his thoughts and attention, or every ounce of his love and affection. Often it's a combination of all of that, each desire engendering the other. Sometimes it's because they start out with some lack in their own life that they feel compulsively driven to have someone else fill. Sometimes it's because they develop warped resentments towards step-children, with twisted rationalizations to bolster them, over many years' time and after experiences which they take to be crushing defeats to their ego. Sometimes they think they can maintain the illusion of a perfect little marriage/family by making the step-child into a scapegoat and they have no idea how they'd face their actual problems (individual and marital) without a step-child to drive from the 'village'. Sometimes they hate all children, or all women; sometimes they're okay to everyone in the world except the step-child who becomes a lightning rod for all their un-worked-through rage. Sometimes they are just greedy calculating con artists from the word 'go'. In any event, whatever the source/development of their major malfunction, the net result is that they want to drive the step-child away because they want to not only be AS important, they want to be MORE important, and they cannot conceive of being so in the presence of the step-child. It's all about their need to feel superior, which they cannot maintain in the presence of 'competing interests' (as they would see it).

Again, everyone, I am not talking about ALL STEPMOTHERS. Only this wretched little sub-set we're discussing on this thread.

Neitza--

Yeah, my SM throws away (or hides) most things I give or send my father as well. Everything else in the house stays put for 12 years, but somehow it's always my cards, gifts and pictures that get "misplaced". I finally said soemthing about it on this last visit. it was the oen thing I actually DARED express any disquiet about in the slightest. I decided to make a joke out of it, kinda like "oh my absent-minded dad, always misplacing things..." (but knowing, of course, that it is she who moves things) and I said "Dad, next time I give you a gift, I'm gonna put some Krazy Glue on the bottom so you can't lose it!"

I made this joke to cut the tension of what I was saying to him, but really it hurts me terribly that he allows this. It's an unfathomable pain to feel like your father doesn't want to see your face in pictures or look at your cards, especially across the miles and at a time when he has a terminal disease. It's devastating.

Pseudo...I understand what you are saying. However, I see far more sympathy with SMs on this board and just a few people who argue for the sake of arguing. I think both should have a place to vent and it's also helpful to learn from the experiences of others, on both sides of the aisle. To be honest with you, I've never read any posts by Step children telling Step parrents to get over it, although I'm sure there have been a few. I will admit to telling Thurman that he needs to shift his focus and not concentrate so much on every little thing he perceives as a slight. But I mostly do sympathize with what the SMs on this board are going through. I may have made a few other comments about looking at things from Step Child's perspective, but mostly, I sympathize.

"I'm aiming more for easing the way rather than confrontation. I've found it doesn't work, she gets defensive, then I'm "attacking" and the whole visit turns into a battle"...Yes, been there, done that.

"It sounds like it would be an awesome idea to start an Adult Step-child message board. Just be sure that it doesn't become a "bitter" adult step child message board exclusively."...I think we all get more active in posting when we are angry and have something to complain about, don't we? When all is well, then there isn't as much to say. I guess complaining is just human nature.

In the spirit of posting something uplifting...Things can turn around. I had to fight very hard for it, but last year I convinced my Dad to come visit without SM tagging along. I was tired of her always ruining every visit. It was quite a struggle and a bunch of questions such as "why the heck does she want to come anyway? She sure as heck doesn't like me or my brother, etc.? What it boiled down to is that she only wanted to come so she could control everything and so that nothing was said against her. When he came, my brother and I did not speak badly about her, we simply enjoyed our time with our Dad. It was a fresh start for me as far as my Dad was concerened and I decided it was my turn to make an effort to make things better because I know he had to go through H*** in order to be able to visit without her. So I sent her flowers to show my appreciation for letting him visit and the last time she came with him she was actually very pleasant. So things really can turn around. I still don't really trust her and she still says/does things that get on my nerves, but things really are better now. Hopefully they will stay that way.

Quirk,
"There are certain things that I have to just accept this is the situation I'm in and nothing I can do will change it . Or, maybe more accurately, nothing I am willing to do (that whole compromising my integrity or well-being thing coming into play)...

I'm talking about communication in general. I think there is a way, maybe not in every conversation, but in general context, to make a relationship better. I could say, this woman is impossible, there is no way out, this is what I'm stuck with. But I'd rather keep looking for ways to improve my skills to better deal with people I find difficult that I don't want to excommunicate from.

If she were on her own, yes, I would give up, throw up my hands in disgust and walk away. But, I'm stuck with her for the rest of their relationship, so I'm going to keep working on ways to encourage her to feel good enough about herself and her role so that she doesn't infringe upon my well being or my relationship with my father. The means to an end.

I am fortunate in that I don't think she is consciously being a B*%^CH. I don't think she is malicious. I think she is self-centered and oblivious to her surroundings. So my situation is unique. As everyone's is. And I have sympathy for those of you who are dealing with really evil people rather than ones like my SM. But I don't think anyone is so evil that there isn't a chance to find that chink in their armor and let some light in.

That is, if you're interested. And I can understand giving up, and saying it isn't worth it. I did that for a while, but it didn't feel any better than this does. At least I feel proactive, and I'm getting better at communicating and dealing with emotionally stunted people.

Silversword, I also see what you mean about there (hopefully) always being some way to reach these people... I am one who in pretty much every situation can see where the person is coming from, or at least how their issues likely developed. On this alst trip, even with all her crap, I actually found myself at a couple moments feeling bad for my SM and the loss she will face when my father passes away because she does live with him every day. I felt empathy for some aspects of her childhood which she shared with me. While I don't think people should get into a pi$$ing contest about who had the worst childhood or use their bad childhoods to completely excuse current, ongoing behavior that they themselves refuse to change, I do see room for some empathy. The problem with someone like my SM is that she will (and does) "work" that empathy and manipulate it so that her own "soft spots" become calculated and false because they are in the service of some agenda. Hard to sympathize with that... Anyway it's a balance between having some empathy for a fellow human being (and we are all flawed) vs. excusing behavior that should not be continuing or exonerated regardless of where it stems from. It's a bit odd to think of it this way, but I imagine this is the dilemma many well-meaning step-parents face with their SK's who have various behavior problems...

I think there is a way, maybe not in every conversation, but in general context, to make a relationship better. Of course there is. But there might be a limit to how much better. I think sometimes people reach that limit but just keep trying to do more and worse yet blame themselves (consciously or not) thinking if they can just do enough or figure out the right thing that things can be fixed. That's when it becomes a problem. I wasn't really advocating giving up; while there are some people who are so toxic that giving up is really the only sane option I think that's fairly rare.

I think we actually might be saying the same thing just in different words. Your last sentence kind of sums up what I'm trying to say... knowing that you've done/are doing the best you can and being ok with results (even when the results kind of suck) because of that.

"anticipating three moves ahead of what she will do..."

It's exhausting. That's exactly what I'm going through. I think you're right, she really wishes I didn't exist. She has to share and she doesn't want to. She never had to share in her life. I wish she had gotten pregnant so she could see what it's like to truly share your life/body with another person and put someone else first.

And it makes me mad that she doesn't treat my father better, just as when my friends have husbands/wives that don't treat them well.

I have one couple that are our friends and the wife stays home all day, complains up a storm, yells at her husband, doesn't clean at all, doesn't make food or coffee, spends a lot of money, yells at the kids, etc... and the husband goes to work, doesn't drink/abuse/etc. I have a problem with that too. But I don't get involved, I just try to listen to her complain and help her see the light. (BTW, her husband is a college friend of my DH, so that's where the needing to maintain the friendship with a woman I don't really like comes in). But it makes me sad for her husband. Like I said above, I understand division of labor and everyone has things that work for their relationship alone, but gross neglect/rudeness combined with one person doing all the work and getting abused is not ok with me. It's not as personal to me because they're not related, but I come away from visiting them with the same sort of questions...

How can I make this experience less tiring? How can I help her see how destructive she is? I want to be friends and have a relationship, but it's killing me!

Ok, here it is for the time being...http://niveak.proboards56.com/index.cgi.

Neitza, I need some help with testing if you want to sign up now :)

On another note, initially I was going to buy forum software, hosting and a website....but then I noticed I do not have very much material to put up! So, if any of you have read any books, articles, accounts of info you found interesting/enlightening...please send my way :)

I want to assemble all of that before going live with a website.

Thanks to all and hope to see you there.

Silversword, another factor in the success of any relationship (a factor which you may not always know for sure) is the extent to which the other party actually WANTS a relationship. If your SM is coming from a place where fundamentally she does not want you to exist, all best-intended attempts you make to make a *real* relationship with her will fail because she will not allow it.

Another factor is if they DO want a relationship, what are their reasons and are they pure? For example: my SM never had much to do with me in the years I was growing up & visiting my dad, except to criticize me and attempt to start rifts between my dad and I, or to dominate all my Dad's time and attention. Then a few years back when my Dad was having his periodic re-discussiom of his wishes for his will, etc. with us (which has always been, basically, to divide everything 60/40), she piped up with: "Serenity, since we are going to be bonded by a will, I'd like for us to have a closer relationship".
Which wasn't exactly what I'd call the best reason to decide you want to be closer to somebody. She also continues to attempt to convince my Dad to change his wishes so that she gets everything when he dies and "promises" to "take care of me". You know, based on the great and close relationship we've had and how she's fostered so much trust for all these years. (Yes, I'm being sarcastic.) She only wants any relationship with me whatsoever so that she can control things. Not gonna happen, on my end, at least not like that. I will be civil to her, I will refrain from any iota of disrespect, I will even do things for her, send her cards, give gifts for special occasions, and make nice dinners that she will refuse to eat. But I can't trust her, so there's a limit to how 'real' any relationship between she and I can ever be.

"... Anyway it's a balance between having some empathy for a fellow human being... vs. excusing behavior that should not be continuing or exonerated regardless of where it stems from. It's a bit odd to think of it this way, but I imagine this is the dilemma many well-meaning step-parents face with their SK's who have various behavior problem."

I think you're right!! A very fine balance. And I agree that SP have this kind of issue when dealing with SK. And bio parents with kids too. Yes, you've been hurt and are damaged, but it's still not ok to __________.

My SM's father committed suicide and her mother is even worse than she is. I call her Maid Marian. We visited her once, and SM says to my daughter, this is your great-grandmother. And Maid M. says, who is a great grandmother. And SM says, you are mom, I am ________ SM, and her daughter is my granddaughter, which makes you her greatgrandmother. And MM says, no I'm not!!!!

Wow. Talk about an eye opener. And this is in front of my four year old. I didn't expect a s-grandma at the old age of 18 when they met, have never gotten presents, etc from her, and don't begrudge her not wanting to be my grandma, but to say that in front of a little girl!? At least my daughter wasn't really paying attention.

So my SM grew up with a toxic BM. And my SM was kidnapped and psycologically/physically tortured in her early 20's. And and and. I do feel sorry for her. But the balance comes in, because i didn't have a perfect childhood either, but I don't drag it along behind me in a gunny sack.

My SM does the same thing as your SM (it sounds like it anyway). She pulls poor me and manipulates everyone into falling into her "I'm so damaged and mistreated so I deserve to be treated like a princess" trap. Then whoever calls her on it is automatically cast in the role of big bad wolf.

Money. Yup. That's a big one. I can't believe your dad would fall for the "I'll take care of her" line though.

My DH and I both feel the same about the other one's child. We will do everything in our power to better their lives if the other spouse should die before us. But they're six and eight, which makes it a little easier, I think. Plus, we don't blame the kids for us making bad choices of their parentage. His daughter is a part of him, one of the reasons he is such a good man, and I love her and wish I got to spend more time with her. But when she comes out, I make myself scarce so they can spend precious time bonding together because I think that's more important now. Later, maybe it will be different. But that's how I'm dealing with it as a SM. I interact with her, let her know I like her and want to spend time with her, but try not to overpower the event or make it about me at all.

For me, basically my SM gets everything and I get the family farm. Which is fine. It's his money, and he can give it to whomever he chooses. I'm just hoping she goes first so I don't have to deal with the outcome.

I think she does want a relationship with me but understand that it is not always the case. She just has a really hard time in relationships in general. She's always crying about how she's not friends with the popular crowd. Which cracks me up to no end. I'm so glad I'm not 50 with those issues.

iam new to here..i recently became a stepmother to an 18 year old...My husband had a relationship with her mother 18 years ago ..he had never met his daughter up until 2 months ago. She refused him of having contact with her...so she herself contacted him..it is really a big shock and i'm really trying to come to terms with the situation..i want my husband to have a realationship with his daughter and i also would like to to have a good relationship with her..but i have all of these mixed emotions right now..as to it was only both of us, for 12 years now someone else is in the picture..and i couldn't have any children, so the emotions are quite deep... i feel good about it, one min and then the next i feel sad. I really don't know how to feel, can someone inlighten me as how to handle the situation, and are my feeling natural.

I think your feelings are natural. I'm the mother of an 18 year old daughter that has only met her dad once, when she was 12. He promised to keep in contact with her and then left the state. Since she was 16, he's tried to get into contact with her but she doesn't trust him. I think their relationship is going to be hard to establish. She also has a stepmother that is the mother to four siblings. My daughter hasn't even considered how the stepmother should fit into the equation, she is still trying to iron out how she feels about her father.

As difficult as it may be, the right thing to do is step back and let your husband and his daughter figure out their relationship first, then ascertain where you fit in. He obviously knew he had a daughter, so it was not that you and he had accepted being childless, he knew he wasn't.

I understand your feelings but I wonder if your sadness over not having children would be there whether his daughter didn't exist. I can imagine that someone that wants children but cannot, might feel the sadness whenever they are reminded of it. I'm sure he also feels a sadness at not being a part of his daughters life and not getting to see her grow up. I can imagine the emotions run deep for all of you. But, he is your husband and she is his daughter and it sounds as if you feel jealous at sharing your husband after all these years, as opposed to feeling sad that you never had kids with him and he had one with someone else. I'd think that you would have felt that sadness if he had been raising her and you couldn't have one of your own, but she's grown and he also missed out on that.

Maybe it would help to find a good therapist to talk to.