Maybe she is trying to warm up to them and she's had a change of heart.
But i dont know much about your situation. or much about your sd . what was she like growing up?
If she has had nothing to do with your parents maybe she wants something. Sometimes people do a 'kind' thing for recognition but really have something behind it.
Frankly tellign you about the cards is odd. i wouldn't say i sent any cards to people..its something i just do not bring up.

Thurman, I remember you have conflict with your SD and due to this you pick lots of little things she does to complain. I am not living it so I can't say I know what it is really like but I do think you should look at the cards to your parents as a good thing, not something to nit pick about. It may be her way of showing she cares in spite of the conflict with you. Let it go. Viewing so many little things as weird must put some strain on your relationship with your wife.

I see nothing weird in sending cards, some people send cards even if they don't really care, it is just a polite gesture. and she does not have to tell you, she is 27 so she can send cards to whoever she wants to. Even if she has some kind of secret agenda she can still send cards to anyone including your parents. Unless she says somehting inappropriate in those cards which is probably not the case.

I wouldn't make an issue out of this. Think positive and maybe the adult in her is finally reaching out. This is a good thing, and I'm sure your parents appreciate it.

Sometimes when people become adults, they begin to appreciate the kind people in their family a lot more.
If this is the case with your daughter, then your relationship with her may get better as well.

I wouldn't bother speculating if she had an alterior motive unless and until there was hard evidence of this.

She's an adult, so she doesn't have to ask your permission or tell you about it. The best thing for you to do is tell your wife that "it's cool" and let it go.
Please save your energy for more important things.

Thanks folks!

I appreciate your words of wisdom. My personal experience with S/D has largely been a negative one, so that colors all of my views of her actions.

Thurman

not to stir the pot, but are you parents elderly and does your SD hope for inheritance? Do your parents have bio grandchildren? If not, she might be the only granddaughter. Oh well whatever is the case you have no evidence and she can do whatever. Hope it is just a polite gesture on her part...

"...but are you parents elderly and does your SD hope for inheritance?"
FD- My first thought exactly, gosh am I cynical!

It's hard to say w/o knowing every single factor involved... It really could just be that even though you & SD don't get along, she likes or appreciates the SGP's. or for whatever reason thought she should send them a card on this particular occasion, this particular year...

I'll try to briefly relate it to my own experiences. My SM & I have had plenty of difficulties and don't have a good relationship. But I have no readily-observable or empirically-provable reason to be anything but kind to her parents, who have been nice to me and ---at least to my immediate knowledge--- have not done anything to me personally. (When my SM's mother called my Dad within 2 weeks of his diagnosis of terminal lung cancer to tell him he *better not* leave SM with any debt on his house when he dies, I was upset; this was tacky and aggressive but even that, I suppose, could just be seen as a mother looking out for her daughter's interests; it was not a direct insult to ME and I didn't take it as such.) No cards, but if ever it is me on the phone with her, I am polite and keep things on a light, small-talk level and don't show any upset.

As for cards, my SM's sister and brother-in-law recently spent an extensive stay at my Dad's house, ostensibly b/c he's sick and somebody decided they were both required to be there several months (away from their own lives several states away and their own very ailing mother back home). Didn't make much sense to me, and I was not permitted to visit my dad during that time, a predicament which of course upset me. But I actually don't blame the two of them for that decision (maybe I should, maybe I shouldn't, but I see the decision to specifically exclude me as more my SM than anything). So, anyway, other than dip their fingers all in my Dad's bank accounts, credit cards, medical bills and buy some bags of cookies for him to munch on, one thing they DID do that I see as at least remotely worthwhile was to fix up some precarious stairs going to the basement where my Dad goes a lot, and now these stairs are far more safe. So I wrote them a card specifically and genuinely thanking them for doing that for him. It was the right thing to do, and yes it was out of character (we don't usually exchange cards and I've never even met them in person, and then there's the dubiousness of what all they were even doing there, plus the bad relations b/n me & SM) but the point is there was a specific context for me sending a card to these folks when I did it.

Maybe your SD has had some recent dealing involving your parents that she wanted to show her appreciation for. Maybe you don't even know what it is. Maybe your SD is starting to discover that sending cards to people is a very nice thing to do, but maybe she's starting with people she actually gets along with. Maybe she is pondering having a child and wants to start establishing a closer bond to people who may become like extended "grandparent" figures to that child... which, sure, may be "cultivating" them or "buttering them up" a bit with the intention of getting something out of it, but in that case it would be a nice thing that benefits everyone involved (in this example, they'd be geting a step-great-grandchild out of the deal to play with and bring more joy to their lives). Of course, I'm just taking guesses here. The point is, I guess, that even though you (understandably) feel out-of-the-loop and maybe even a little indirectly 'dissed', it could just very well be that she perceives a harmonious relationship with them as an independent factor from a disharmonious relationship with you.

I wouldnt waste my time worrying about this. If the weiderst thing anyone done is send cards, that person is stabile in my book.

I think that she has reached a point in her life where she just may want to have a good relationship with her grandparents.

If all she was doing was just sending a card to them on special occasions, then it wouldn't be rational for her to expect an inheritance from the grandparents because of this.

Since you are their son, the more likely inheritance scenario would involve you and any of your siblings.
Yet, I have seen people make a lot of effort with elderly relatives, and they are still left out of the will.

So, unless she asks them to update their will to include her, I wouldn't worrry about it.

mrsmadddog, my thought was that if SD was always sending cards to them I would not even think of anything. Perfectly nice gesture! But if she never even acknowledged them and never talked to them, but then all of a sudden as they got old she started sending cards hhhmmm....I think thurman does not have biokids so....

i certainly hope it is not the case but there are plenty of greedy folks out there. I am always very fond of elderly. I took care of my grandmother in time of her illness and was very close to all of my grandparents. I also used to work in assisted living and nursing home. I hate to see anyone mistreating old or ill people or minor children. let's hope it is not the case here...

It just occured to me...Is it possible OP's wife said to SD: you should acknowledge grandparents more, send them a card or something. My mom always calls everyone in a family wiht reminders: don't forget aunt's birthday, call your uncle etc And maybe his wife does not want OP to know that she is behind this nice gesture!

FYI to all, Therman has a son who is SD's half brother. SD is a med-student if she hasn't already graduated from med-school, and every little thing she does, Thurman finds a reason to pick it apart and then he wonders why she doesn't acknowledge him or have anything to do with him.

I've read his posts in the past and suggested he change his behavior in order to see a change in hers, but it always has fallen on deaf ears.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond. I would strongly doubt that my S/D is thinking of money...

It is odd to me that she would send my parents 3 cards over a one month period...and not mention it to me on the phone. I've just never seen anyone do that...isn't the normal reaction to say "by the way, just want you to know that I did send your Dad a get well card..."

I understand what Raek is saying...but after 20 years of dealing with this kid, it's hard not to interpret everything she does in a negative light.

I don't think that would be a normal reaction at all, unless you came right out and asked her if she had sent him a card. I can't think of any circumstances where it would even occur to me to mention that I had sent someone a card.

I also find it a little bit odd thurman, especially since SD didn't mention it to you. Did your wife know she was sending the cards? What do you think she is doing it for?

thurman, I do not think it odd that she didn't tell you. But now that your parents mentioned it to you I think it would be nice of you to say "My parents mentioned they received cards from you, that was very thoughtful of you, thank you" to your SD.

what raek said.

Follow-up--

Tonight I'm on the phone with S/D...just happened to pick up. Knows my Dad is very ill but doesn't ask me how he is. When my wife gets on, she asks her about him. I'm telling you, this is one strange bird. When I tell my wife, she's got a million reasons why her daughter is perfect...and why I am wrong. Good grief.

I don't think she's being strange. It seems as though she cares about your parents and maybe even you too. Honestly, it sounds like she's uncomfortable interacting with you and that's why she asked her mom about your dad's condition.

It sounds to me like your poor SD has to walk on eggshells around you - carefully weighing everything she says or doesn't say, does or doesn't do, because she knows you are looking for reasons to criticize her.

I think the vast majority of stepparents on this board would be overjoyed if the the worse thing they had to complain about was that their stepchildren didn't happen to mention that they had sent a get well card to the poster's parent.

what gerina & tos said.

but I think they're wasting their "breath".

This post as well as your past posts haven't sounded like you're looking for advice or fresh perspectives;
they've sounded like you want forum members to help you gang up on your wife's daughter.

You might try acknowledging that you're a grown man & it's inappropriate & ridiculous to be jealous of a 20-something-year-old woman.

& then behave accordingly.

Everything we see is interpreted through the lense of our past experiences and expectations. Thurman doesn't like or trust his SD, so everything she does or doesn't do is tainted.

- If she sends a card -- why? What are her ulterior motives?
- If she sends the card and tells you, she's kissing up.
- If she sends the card and doesn't tell you, she's sneaky and devious.
- If she doesn't send the card, she's thoughtless and selfish.

Whatever she does, it's wrong.
This is certainly not to say that she's never wrong, but Mom is constantly put in a difficult position. If you are always thinking the worst of SD, then Mom is always feeling like she has to defend her.

Stop judging her! Keep your suspicions and criticisms to yourself and stop speculating -- don't give this girl so much room in your emotional life! Don't wonder why -- just accept things at face value and see if life doesn't get better.

My DH thinks my teenage son is lazy, selfish, spoiled and manipulative -- and everything my son does or doesn't do is viewed in this light. Well guess what? My son IS lazy, selfish, spoiled and a bit manipulative. But he's also kind, generous, responsible, bright, funny, helpful and empathetic. And impulsive, forgetful, immature, careless and disorganized. And intelligent, creative, inventive, curious and artistic. And a whole lot more. But everything my son does, his stepfather first views as either lazy, selfish, spoiled or manipulative: A, B, C, or D.

So in Hubby's view DS never simply forgets to take his laundry out of the washing machine -- he's spoiled and lazy so he's trying to manipulate us into doing it for him. So Hubby gets annoyed and complains to me about how spoiled and selfish DS is. Guess what - I defend DS. (Funny how I'm always doing that.) Then I ask DS to finish his laundry. DS says he forgot, apologizes, then does it right away. I'm not mad. DS isn't mad. Hubby's the only one who's mad. But in his world-view, here's yet another example of Mommy defending lazy, selfish, spoiled and manipulative DS. That's simply what he sees, over and over, every time.

If your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.

Thanks folks for taking time to respond. There's lots of truth here. I've got so much negativity toward my s/d. It did not arrive out of a vacuum. Lots of negative experiences, battles for respect and simple decency, fighting with my wife, etc...I've gotten to a point where I really dislike my s/d. It's not the way to live, for sure, as it will alienate my wife and son from me.

sweeby,

Your post gets my vote for best post of the day - or even the month.

Thanks TOS --

And Thurman - I can see where you're coming from. I know you didn't meet this girl and set out to dislike her. I'm sure she earned every bit of your distrust as a teen - most teens do... Biology is just such a powerful force that helps natural parents to forgive and accept. Steps must need hides like rhinos... Plus blinders. And earplugs.

But yes, it will alienate your wife and distort things for your son --

It certainly has in my family. In fact, that's about the only real problem issue in our marriage, and there are times when I have to wonder how much of a role that played in my DS's decision to move to his father's. (There were many other factors as well, but he does sense his stepfather's negativity.) It's a very painful subject for me, knowing that my husband -- who I love deeply -- often doesn't like my son -- who I also love deeply. I can see how it hurts my husband; and I can see how it hurts my son. And I see each one of them reacting to the other's actions, reactions, and biases -- each reinforcing his own narrow-minded perception of the situation and of the other person. Just as my husband has a limited and negative view of my son, my son now has a narrow view of his stepfather -- demanding, critical, unfair and showing favoritism.

It's a vicious circle. It started with love, then small hurts, insecurity and wounded pride, then sour grapes crept in, which morphed into anger and suspicion.

I hope you can find your way out of this maze...
I hope my husband and son can too --

Thanks for such insightful postings. They do help. It is the classic dynamic of stepfamilies. I remember a counselor telling my wife her daughter was not perfect and then telling me, she is also not a monster. We both perceive things in such extremes. I know I have a tendency to prejudge s/d and to interpret everything, no matter what it is, in a negative light. I've heard a psychologist once say that it takes "7 positive" thoughts to overcome one negative one when it comes to positive and negative reinforcement of feelings and emotions about someone. I've definitely got it in reverse...more like 7-0 in favor of negative.

Hi Thurman. I don't suppose you will find a lot of support on this website. I also have accused of being "overly" analytical. And, your point is?

I hear ya!

It is just that we or me isn't used to a male having such a weak stance in the family. You almost come off as pathetic, although I think you are not that.

I do understand that it is so inappropriate for your stepdaughter to be talking with your family while pretending that you don't exist.

I do understand that this is your parents and yes she is so wrong in doing that.

If we are going to be talking about propriety and those things that do belong to other people, most definitely your parents are your parents.

Your stepdaughter and even more importantly your wife are entirely out of line in communicating with YOUR parents without consulting you first.

I am just not used to a man being so beaten down. But I can see that it would and does happen.

collen777said:
"I do understand that it is so inappropriate for your stepdaughter to be talking with your family while pretending that you don't exist.

I do understand that this is your parents and yes she is so wrong in doing that.

If we are going to be talking about propriety and those things that do belong to other people, most definitely your parents are your parents.

Your stepdaughter and even more importantly your wife are entirely out of line in communicating with YOUR parents without consulting you first."

So with this logic, Thurman shouldn't be allowed to talk to any of step daughters family including grandparents and any future children without contacting step daughter first? Since when did we become a society where a third party can control the relationships we directly have with people? I guess Thurman should have gotten SD's permission to marry mom first, since, after all, Thurman's parents are his property and SD's mom is hers.

Is it any more inappropriate that Thurman talks to SD's own mother and tries to pretend that she doesn't exist?

I dont think sending a holiday card is a violation of boundaries -- it isnt like SD is sending a letter detaling family issues. I agree if SD called up step grandparents and said your son has issues, etc. but common this is just a thoughtful gesture.

One thing about the interpretation of a stepchild's actions, etc. It's true that the biological parent and the stepparent see things differently. I fully admit being more negative about my S/D than my son, for example.

But, one thing I'd like to point out, is that the stepchild does act differently toward the stepparent and shows a different side than the one the biological parent sees.

It sometimes feels like we're made to think that we're imagining things. But my S/D has now admitted to things she did that my wife vehemently denied was happening. Here's a classic one: my s/d did not like when my wife and I spending time together. She would try to divide us in some way...usually with some distraction. She denied doing it...my wife denied it was happening...but a few years later, in a moment of honesty and reflection, she admitted it.

Propriety actually means socially accepted conduct.

If stepdaughter knows this would upset stepdad, why not tell him. I am not saying she has to ask for permission for every little thing, but just say I am sorry that I have never taken much interest in your parents up til now, but now that your dad is not well, I would like to send him a couple of nice cards. How much effort does that take?

Usually the parent does consult with their children regarding a remarriage. They aren't asking for permission, but they certainly keep them in the know.

Is it possible that your SD just wanted to spend time alone with her mother? And maybe SD picked up on feelings that you didnt like her?

Once, I made the mistake of sending a Christmas Card to my stepdaughter's husband's parents from us. When SD learned of it, she flipped out! Who the sam hell did I think I was sending a card to her inlaws without asking her permission first. That is MY family not yours she said, and don't you ever do that again. Talk about territorial...YIKES!

"It sometimes feels like we're made to think that we're imagining things. But my S/D has now admitted to things she did that my wife vehemently denied was happening. Here's a classic one: my s/d did not like when my wife and I spending time together. She would try to divide us in some way...usually with some distraction. She denied doing it...my wife denied it was happening...but a few years later, in a moment of honesty and reflection, she admitted it."

Very true -- It's easy to see how this happens...

"Is it possible that your SD just wanted to spend time alone with her mother? And maybe SD picked up on feelings that you didnt like her?"

Also true -- though I'd eliminate the 'just' as SD admitted there was an element of 'divide' in there.

That's what's so heartbreaking about the whole dynamic. It starts with a small slight that's natural enough, but is interpreted through a critical light, then the seeds of hurt and resentment take hold and begin to grow. And now there's a self-feeding cycle...

At some point, someone just needs to say "STOP! -- I think we've both got the wrong impressions of each other and have gotten our feelings hurt as a result of a whole long series of misunderstandings. Let's start over with a clean slate." Naive, I guess, but wouldn't it be nice?

No matter what she was like when she was younger, you have recently posted two, in my opinion, very nice gestures she has made. Oh and a third admitting to what she did. Please try to look only at the good, overlook if there is a negative, this could be a very big turning point for all of you.

Sweeby, Its hard to envision what SD "admitted to" And is sounds like this SD is a decent person, just wanted to spend some time with her mom, and SF doesnt want to share much. But its hard to see what is really going on unless you're there.

Sweeby gets best post of the day!

"But its hard to see what is really going on unless you're there."

I am there -- at least in my own home.
Did you see my posts above?

And I do agree that SD is probably a decent person. Not a perfect person (who is?) -- which means she's made some mistakes and done some manipulating. Show me a kid who hasn't?

I guess what I'm saying is that when you're a mom and your kid does some minor manipulating to spend some quality time alone with you, you certainly don't see any real harm in that. But if you're the StepFather who was manipulated out of planned quality time with his wife, your responses would be very different. Anybody's would. You'd get your feelings hurt, see the manipulation for what it is - or perhaps read more into it. (Were StepDad's hurt feelings thoughtless collateral damage? Or was that the real intent?) Of course, Mom sees only the benign.

But why didnt mom arrange to have some quality time with SD without SD having to manipulate (if in fact SD did)? Was SF too possessive -- some of his earlier posts seemed to indicate he was? Of course SF cant see that.

Sure Mom could have done that -- But in this case she didn't, and SD wiggled in between Mom and StepDad. Who knows how it actually went down -- There's SD's perspective, SF's perspective and Mom's perspective. Apparently, in this case, SF perceived that SD 'tried' to interfere, and SD (much later) admitted that she had. I don't find that too hard to believe...

Being removed from the situation, and therefore, less emotionally vulnerable, I'd like to think I might have recognized that SD's actions stem from her own insecurity, and don't really reflect on me -- that I'm 'collateral damage' rather than 'intended victim' -- but then that's my default view of things -- that people don't spend a whole lot of time plotting to hurt my feelings -- that they act in their own interests, not against mine. (Who spends that much time plotting against anyone else? I might plot to get my own way, but not to assure someone else doesn't.)