From what i've read the damage onthis child is already done. She has been spoiled and she lashes out to defend what is hers. Its only normal in the first several months. My stepdaughter was the same but not as brass as yours. I basically told her that i'm not here to replace your mother. I'm not your mother and never will be. I can only be your friend. You dont want me as a friend, that is fine, its your decisions. I'm here because i love your dad and i'm not leaving. Period. I will not take away your dad. No one can. But you are his daughter and have a relationship with him. I am soon to be his wife and will also have a relationship. We will both be loved in different ways. And there is nothign wrong with that.
Your boyfriend must confront his daughter first. Then both of you together explaining to her the ground rules of the house if it escalates further.. Disrespect is disrespect. Her father should punish her for that. Its still early in the relationship. Give her some more time to adjust. Adjustment can take over a year in some cases. Its took almost one year and a half for my stepdaughter to come to terms with it. But her father always stood by my side and never let down. (but she wasnt' rude to me, she would avoid and i would respect that and kept my distance until she was ready)
As for the bowlign..wow..nasty little thing eh? Did her father see this. When ever she made a chance to trip you or push you , you should have said at the top of your voice, HEY, Stop bumping me on purpose and stop tripping me. Would you like it if i did it to you???? or when she bumps you stand your ground and let her fall flat on her behind! and say 'ohhhhh i'm sorry, you shouldn't push me , look what happen?'
I know its a bit nasty. But you have to stand your ground. Mentally as well. Show her she cannot over power you. And its important that your boyfriend stands up to her. Or no relationship will work for him.
You love him, you like her. Tell her. Stand your ground.
If she doesn't change, then you have a serious decision to make. Discuss your feelings with your boyfriend. How many girlfriends has he lost before you and what were the reasons? Was she the problem? Cause if so...then its your boyfriend who is not helping the situation.

Thank you Maria for your quick response. I spent a few hours at the library tonight looking for a book fitting our relationship but they really didn't have too much to choose from. I understand her feelings, I am just looking for some way to handle things when she does say and do these things. I want to pick and choose my battles when telling her father because that can get old too. He's got a hearing problem and she knows it and uses it to her advantage. However, he is on to her. And is really trying to hold her accountable for her actions. I went for dinner tonight an her favorite aunt was there "her late mom's sister> and was quite rude to her, which was unusual. I was kind of glad to see that for a change.
Apparently, he has had some dates in the past but nothing too serious and I believe I know why.
Again, thank you for you kind words and sage advice. I will exercise it asap.

Hi merryb,

If she was angry at her aunt, then she has alot of anger and unresolved feelings from her moms death. She probably does feel you have no right to even talk tothe aunt and lashed out at the aunt for even allowing this. an insult to her mom memory.
You are right. Pick you battles and its good that your hubby to be is onto her. My husband was onto my sd as well and all turned out in the long run.
I had a lot of anger issues myself after my mom died of lung cancer and my father remarried as well. I was hard to handle. Be patient. Work together as a team:)
Maria

Again, Maria, thank you for your reassuring words. It does help to know that there might be a little light at the end of the tunnel some day. But I have to realize that it might not and I also know I can't get into her head and control her, I can only control myself and how I react. And that's my dilemma, how to react when she lashes out at me or do I ignore her and walk away altogether? I'm trying to find the right way to approach this situation that will work for all of us at some point. Thank you. merryb

At 10, I'm pretty sure she KNOWS she's being awful, that she's doing it on purpose, and that other kids don't treat their parents the way she treats hers. Do you think she is mature enough to have an idea about WHY she is acting the way she is? Have you ever tried sitting her down, calmly and in private, and asking her why she is being so nasty to you?

If she comes up with the obvious no-thought quickie of "Because I hate you!" I'd insist that she come up with at least three good reasons that are better than that, and that show she has given the matter some thought. After all, it's an important decision. (This'll throw her for a loop.) Then, if she comes up with a reason that has some merit (like maybe "Because you treat me like a baby!"), acknowledge the validity of her point, and suggest a bargain -- you will stop the undesirable behavior and she will stop hers. Work through as many as you can, then thank her for her honesty.

If there aren't any 'fixable' issues that come up, then I wonder what would happen if you "gave her permission" not to like you? Clearly, she doesn't actually need your permission for that! But what I mean is to say that "It's OK if you decide you don't want to like me. And I guess I don't really have to like you either." (This could be a revelation to her.) "But since we are both going to be living here, wouldn't our lives be nicer if we could get along? After all, I bet if I tried, there are lots of things I could do that would make you miserable too." (This has to be delivered very calmly and pleasantly so the threat is more 'perceived' than directly verbalized.)

Just thinking out loud...

Merry -
Child and child's father could use some counseling. It helps to have a neutral party pointing things out.

Dear Merry,

Your situations sounds a little, though not a completely, like mine (see thread on "should I leave my boyfriend") Kids same age, mother disappeared from my X's son's life when he was 7. When I first came onto the scene I didn't make too many comments and unfortunately didn't call the both of them out on stuff that was just disrespectful, annoying , etc. Basically I allowed my standard of what is tolerable to change, because I wanted to keep the relationship with my boyfriend and I thought "who am I to intervene here." What I didn't realize was that the longer I put up with that warped behavior the harder it was for me to point it out, and the more my boyfreidn thought things were just ok. He kept saying he wanted tochange, improve his parenting, he knew something was wrong (his child, at 11, is spoiled, self-centered, irresponsible, lies, steals, manipulates, does things jus tto cause other people trouble, etc.). But actually, he didn't want to change it. The fact that your BF is not open to therapy ought to be a BIG warning sign.
As in your case, it was very hard to find books for the single father (who actually has sole custody), for children growing up without mothers, etc. Every time the topic came up, this was his excuse: "well if only his mother were around , then he wouldn't have these problems" when he was just in denial that HIS parenting was the source of the problem.
It's not clear to me to what extent your boyfriend is really open to changing the way he deals wit hher. Of course she needs time to get used to you but it sounds like this is a bigger problem in her life...
I just wish you luck because I had a lot of pain trying to figure this kind of thing out, I"m still in a lot of misery over having loved someone who didn't have the courage to look at his affect on his child... a parent who backs down whenever it's difficult to implement clear consequences for behavior... that's a coward in my opinion, not a real parent, and is the only way I've been able to try to keep myself out of this toxic relationship.

Hi merryb, My husbands' daughter treats me very similar to the way you are being treated. My SD "reels" me in with love and tells me she needs me and then treats me cruel, breaking my heart. My husband and I have had MANY arguments over her behavior. One of the hardest things I have experienced was seeing the hurt it caused my wonderful husband when he finally saw her "bad" behavior. (which he never believed existed) I think that you should set the tone right away. Address the disrespect IMMEDIATLY (or as soon as you can)with her and her father together when it happens. Do not let anyone make you compromise when it comes to respect. Keep in mind that she has been through a lot. Be there for her, but don't give her all you have this early on. Good luck and I hope the best for all of you.

Hi Everyone,
Wow, it's been a revelation reading your posts. I can commiserate. I've been dating a man for a little over two years. He has 3 children, and the 12 year old daugther (the oldest) is giving me problems suddenly. I have two kids, so we're talking FIVE kids here. Anyway...we waited a LONG time to meet each others' kids and introduce the kids. We all me last May, which was a year and three quarters into our relationship. It could not have gone more beautifully! We've gotten the kids together about 6 times since then, and we are always careful to be sure that we don't occupy every weekend we have our kids TOGETHER; it's important that my kids have alone time with me, and important that his kids have alone time with him. Last month, the sweetest thing happened....his 12 year old said "I love you" to me! It floored me!! She has always attached herself to me, wants to be in MY car to talk to me (rather than her fathers....heck, we have to take 2 cars with 5 kids!), and talks non stop about stuff with a lot of smiles. ALL OF THE SUDDEN..BOOOOOM! This past weekend I was at his house helping take care of his kids while he met a deadline (he's a tax attorney), and as soon as I got there I was met with coldness from her. I was kind of floored. She was misbehaving with her younger siblings, and he saw all of this. He tried talking to her a few times and she keps saying "I'm just tired". Well, finally he had it and they went in a room to talk. She started venting and crying about how her life has changed, she wants him to move closer (he's 30 minutes away). He handled it beautifully with her. I went in to talk to her at another time, as well, and just told her that she can always talk to me, even if it's about me, and that it's important that she get her feelings out and not bottle them up. I also told her that I understood if she didn't want me there that weekend because we've been seeing each other a lot lately, but I was only there because dad was in a pinch and I was helping. She told her dad later on that she "didn't want to talk to HER, because SHE"S the one I'm mad at!!!". I had given her some books as a gift, and she told him "Why did she even give me that? I didn't want it! I told her I didn't want it!". So, how is it...HOW is it that a month ago this little girl tells me she loves me, a few days prior she was telling me all about her first dance, and then BOOM...she doesn't like me? I'm really frightened that this will tear apart our relationship! THe divorce and ensuing time has been fraught with nastiness and bitterness from her mom, who never ceases to badmouth my bf in front of the kids (and in front of whomever happens to be around, even at PTA meetings...it's awful). My bf and I think (are pretty damn sure) that this badmouthing has now been about me, as well, and GOSH only knows what she would be telling this child! I can't control his ex (neither can he, apparently, which is also driving me nuts), and I certainly can't control his daughter. Tonight when I asked him how she could suddenly not like me, how could she have said "I love you" just a month ago, he said, "well, maybe the i love you was just a reflex because she's used to saying it before she says goodbye to people". I was just hurt by that....it feels like he took that away from me, dismissed it as a 'mistake'! And, he couldn't understand why I got hurt! Any advice? I'm at the BEGINNING of this stuff that you guys have been through already, and it sounds like some of you have gotten through it with your relationship in tact. My bf is a wonderful person, and I don't want to lose him, yet I feel rather hopeless. After all, this is the 1st of 5 kids who will all become teens and go through this stuff! With the ex having the kids the vast, vast majority of the time and able to influence them without conscience, I feel like he and I have yet one MORE mountain to climb. It's bad enough dealing with the ex and her antics. Advice....please?

The father has to stand his ground and defend his girlfriend...if he does not.....is all over