If you read this forum, you will often hear that their dad's continue to pay for their stuff for years after they are grown. For many of these kids, there is no rude awakening. For some, even after they are married, their dad's are still paying their bills. Your situation may not be like this, but read this forum all the way through. It seems to be a common complaint among many of the step mothers. for some reason, perhaps the guilt of the divorce, or their love for their child, these fathers have a hard time saying no to them. Perhaps it is easier to understand these men if you envision it from another view point. Think what it must feel like if your ex husband got custody of "your" children when they were young, and they were raised in another state. Now imagine that the only time you see your own children is a few weeks in the summer. Obviously, you would want those precious few weeks to be happy and wonderful, so that your children would bond with you, and build good memories with you while they are with you. You would want them to love you, and when they go back home, have warm memories. No one in that position wants someone pointing out the obvious. They do not want their child unhappy because what if next year, they don't want to visit?

Your BF has so little time to see his daughter. And his daughter needs a relationship with her dad. He knows that he is spoiling her, but he wants to be her hero. He does not want to be the bad guy by telling her no. Not when he only has these few weeks to be the great dad, and build this bond with his child he rarely sees.

Thank you. When I said she comes here "often" for visits I meant atleast a week every month including two months in summer. And he continues paying for everything when she's with her mom also, on top of nearly a grand a month for child support.
It's not the money or the two cars, or $150 jeans that bothers me other than she's not learning any responsibilty or concequences for her action. It's that she thinks she's better than everyone else to include her friends and she has the right to do whatever she wants, ie staying out all night, drinking, and partying, sleeping all day.

I can relate. I have a adult SD now 26 years old, however, when she was 17-18 years old she sounds pretty much the same as your BF 16 year old daughter. I too felt she was not learning responsibilty and that she thought money grew on trees. She often threw money away on non necessary items and daddy picked up the bill, paying her credit card bills.
DH over the last 7 years has been slowly weaning SD off daddy's pocket book. SD keeps attempted to get money from daddy but lately daddy says he can lend it to her but she has to pay it back. It seems to be working. Remember she is now 26 years old. It takes time and it has been a hard 7 years for me (and DH) watching these stepkids continuely attempt to get money from daddy to pay for their fun spending.

DH admits it is his fault for always just giving in and paying for everything even when he knew it was wrong or not in their best interest. I think the OP had it right when she mentioned the divorce guilt and just wanting to he a good Dad by giving out money.

About the hanging on BF. Yes, my SD did the same thing and even gave DH a picture of her hanging on him for a Christmas present. I just blew it off and it has decreased over the years. SD occassionally does it now but I have noticed DH is not as comfortable with it as when she was younger. He too feels she is getting to old for this kind of behavior. DH gives her a hello or goodby hugs but the hanging on daddy has decreased.

Hope this helps. Just remember you have a few years to go with this. It will not go away if you marry. I know in our pre-marriage counceling the councelor asked DH (fiance at the time) when he planned to stop financial support for SD. The councelor said I had a right to know this. DH responded after 4 years of college. I occassionally reminded DH of this.

Maybe some counceling or asking BF future plans for financial support of his daughter may help you decide if you want to stay in this relationship. Good luck.

I would hold off on marrying just yet until you get a few things straight with your fiancee
1. He is to cut off the visa. He does not pay or having anything to do with it.
2. Her cell phone is hers and only hers.He doesn't pay for it.
3. She is to buy her own car or lease a car without his name on it.
4. He is to cut off finance from her from now..not later. He can help but not carry her. He is not helping her by paying for everything. He is just putting himself and her in alot of trouble.
5. If he doesn't agree to his. Do not marry him and save yourself alot of headache.
oh yah..keep separate accounts.
Lets see if his 16 year old daughter will cuddle to him and hang off his shoulder with love still? SHe is buttering him up. Men just don't see it!