It was big deal when you thought you would have to drive 40 miles to get the suits. It's a shame you didn't take care of your own stuff then you and the others could have swam and she would not get to.

Well, I think your husband was somewhat out of line for being so grumpy- my husband would proabably have ssid, "Well, you're a dill, aren't you?" and left it at that. I do similar favours for him.
SD was silly for not speaking up before you went- "I can't find the goggles" and not realising that "bring the bag and the goggles" implies "bring the bag in any case".
And maybe it would have been better if you had done a check list before leaving- "Got towels? Got present? Got swim suits? Oops!"
I bet you will next time :-)
In the grand scheme of things, let it go.

Thanks girls. I felt like my dh was out of line for being so grumpy. I was the one standing there with 4 kids at a pool party and no swim suits! Maybe next time I will do what stargazzer suggested. Everyone gets their own stuff ready to go. Then if someone is forgetful only they suffer.

I am ready to let it go as soon as my dh apologizes for being such a jerk about it.

IMHO he should be greatful that I take the kids to all the parties and activities when he has to work. And if he has to go out of his way once to help out with it then oh well.

I agree that he was out of line... (I read your post from my cell phone earlier while DH and I were on our way to pick up SD and I couldn't respond until now) but we sort of argued it a bit because he said the responsibility should not have been given to a child. I argued a 12 year old is in Jr. High, not a little kid. He agreed but said it's the parent's job to make sure it got done. I agreed but reminded him that the issue was how dad reacted to being asked to bring the stuff that got forgotten. Hubby said that he'd have told the kids, 'sorry, none of you get to go swimming since SD12 didn't bring your suits.' I argued it wouldn't be fair to the other kids. So, obviously we were not in agreement on how much responsibility a kid should get or who's fault it would be. But, then I read him your line "he should be greatful that I take the kids to all the parties and activities when he has to work. And if he has to go out of his way once to help out with it then oh well." and my husband relented and totally agreed. He said, 'when you put it like that...' I think guys get comfortable and don't think about all the things we do with the kids while they are at work or playing golf and I do think (and hope) your husband should apologize... with flowers.

I think double-checking is always best. I can see how a twelve year old could end up not bringing the bag.

Is it a chore to take kids to a pool party? I gather you stayed at the party - didn't you get to go swimming too? I would love to be invited to a pool party.

The dad wasnt out playing golf, he was going to work that day. Ima, as much as you say dads take wifes for granted, how many wives take the dad helping provide for entire housheold for granted?

Obviously there was a lot of poor planning here. I assume the kids thought mom was bringing the suits. I dont weight for the day of an event to print out directions. My guess is OP wont either. I agree with OPs DH, to put this all on the 12 year old isnt right. I would let it go.

DD is always very forgetful and disorganized, she got better with age but still far from perfect. If I would have to rely on her to bring somehting, nothing would ever be done. At 12 she was just horrible. My favorite story how she arrived oversees (at age 19) with only her wallet and passport in her pocket. No suitcase, nothing. She forgot to pack and overslept. I do not think it is per se your fault that you got no swim suits but it is not your husband's either. It is in a way SD's fault, but she is only 12. Not an adult.

I would not make a big deal out of your DH being grumpy. i would be grumpy too if I would have to be late for work because of the swim suits. Work comes first. party cannot possibly be as important.

I think this is one of those instances that you will never repaeat...I learned the same lesson a while ago with kids whether bio or step is to always double check everything or things may just not get done....I totally think a 12 year old is capable of making sure a bag is put in the car...but I also think as parents if it is important you have to double check.....kids really are just absent minded sometimes and we have to check up on them..I am sure you will from now on..
I think your hubby could have been a bit more understanding though....kids forget and adults!! I am sure he has forgotten things in the past too..its just part of life, and you just have to make it work with what you got sometimes....Personally I dont see why hubby even brought you the suits if he was gonna get so upset about it...

He wasnt out playing golf, he was on his way to work.....Excellent point and reminder KKNY...How many wives appreciate him going out and providing for the household...Maybe he was grumpy because he would rather be swimming too? I do try to tell DH often how much I appreciate his efforts, he works a lot harder than I do, and I know he often says how unappreciated he felt with his first family.....

Yes, a 12-year old is perfectly capable of remembering to put a bag into a car, just like a 42-year-old is perfectly capable of forgetting to do so. See what I mean? Everybody forgets things, especially when there are a bunch of people involved in the situation, and a bunch of bags, and it's something like a pool outing. With the swimsuits, the towels, the sunblock, the sunglasses, the sandals, the change-of-clothes, the keys, the wallet, the lip balm, the cell phone, plus whatever snacks, drinks, etc. you're bringing to the party.... It's a lot of details, a lot of bags. Candidly, *I* usually screw up or forget something in a situation like that... a lot of people do, of all ages.

So yeah: I'd be feeling irritation, minor and temporary embarassment proportionately relevant to a few swimsuits and a two-hour party.

I wouldn't blame SD for the situation becoming any more weighty or intense than this minor and passing annoyance, and obviously not for the spat that resulted between you and DH. It was your choice to call him, as opposed to driving back to get the suits yourself, stopping into Walmart's summer clearance racks for 15 minutes and finding passable bathing suits for five bucks apiece, or simply enjoying the party with pants rolled up, feet dangling in the water, and refreshing drink in hand. It was also your choice to even bother to focus on whose 'fault' it was, and then affix that blame to SD alone, instead of at least taking responsibility for the fact that as the adult, you didn't plan it perfectly (and so what if you didn't? does that make you a horrible person?); or that as the adult, you had decided you were helpless to address the situation without interrupting your husband's workday.

From your husband's perspective, I doubt he himself felt anything more than passing, minor annoyance at the inconvenience, or *would have* if it was just stated that this snafu occured and could he help out. And if he felt anything more intense than that, he might have been mainly upset not at having to do the errand but at the fact that you were then being immature by trying to blame his daughter for the whole debacle as though she was your sister and you were *both* 12. Then his next thought might have been "Cheezus H., I don't have time for these little girl sibling squabbles over freakin' bathing suits.. Just let me drop the suits off and get the h3ll outta here because I have to go to friggin WORK! Must be nice to not have anything more important to worry about! Cheezus H...." Or something like that, I'm just guessing, based on most men I know. He might be expecting an apology from YOU for not accepting at least partial responsibility for inconveniencing him but instead trying to pin it all on his daughter to save your own face.

If it makes you feel better to find fault or do a forensic examination of exactly who is to blame and then present it to The Court as evidence, go ahead. But getting into that habit can come to bite you in the butt. Just make sure you never forget any object for any outing at any time in the future, ever, because it will be held against you far more severely than if you had just said, of this situation, "s**t happens".

The suggestions to have everyone be in charge of their own stuff is the best advice. That way, the kids and you can learn how to independently resolve your own quandaries, learn from your own mistakes, and nobody has to feel an excess of blame for screwing over anyone else in the situation.

My point was that he was not late for work, he just had to leave the house earlier than usual to get us the suits. By the time I would have gone home and got the suits and came back we would have missed almost half the party! He was able to bring the suits and the kids missed about 25min of swimming instead of the almost 50 they would have if we would have all driven back home.

I am not trying to place blame, just trying to say that it is not soley my responsibility for doing everything!

And yes my dh was going to work. But before this year when I was working full-time as well I was also the one home at night doing homework, dinner, and running the kids to activities all by myself. I got stuck with most of the cleaning because it was not like my dh could vaccuum and turn on all the lights at midnight to clean. And on the weekends I was the one doing most of the running to activities and parties and friends houses, etc. So we came to the agreement that it was too much and it would be better for me to stay home more and work part time instead. So I do some babysitting and work part-time at the school near us just while our youngest is in half-day school. I leave for the day when he does.

Mom2emall,

You originally said, "I think it was more sd's fault", on a thread titled "would you be mad??" So I think if you came off that way with DH, he might have thought, wait, we came to agreement that wife would work only part time, she should be handling these things. And if he "lost" a little bit of chill out time at home, I can imagine he was annoyed. Of course everyone's crabby when theese things happen, but I think Serenity said it best, stuff happens.

I did not read all of the other responses. Did anyone else catch the fact that the sd knew that she didn't put the swimsuit bag in the car because she didn't find the goggles? That is what I don't understand. Did sd actually know that you were pulling out of the drive way without the bag that she was suppose to bring?

The other thing that bothers me is what I think is wrong with so many marriages, not just blended families. The husband's reaction. The kids of any family need to know that the parents stand together. The dad supports the mom, the mom supports the dad. If he went to the trouble to get the suits and bring them to all of you then he also should have been pleasant about it. He should also have questioned his daughter. Did you know that you were were getting into the car without the bag? If you did then you did this on purpose and I want to know why. If you forgot then you need to be more responsible. ( teachers would expect it ) Also I would remind her that when your sm tells you to do something it is the same as me telling you to do something. Disobeying her is the same as disobeying me, disrespecting her is the same as disrespecting me.

Much of the problems in my household with sd is that dad and I aren't on the same page with how she should be raised. As situations arise I will pass them on.

Yes tweens are forgetful and so on but as parents it is our job to train them and hold them responsible. We're in the business of growing responsible adults.

I would never call DH and ask him to drive swimsuits 20 minutes there 20 minutes back- if you weren't willing to do it why should he-he didn't forget anything. and if it was sd's "fault" then perhaps letting the other kids stay at the party and having her drive back with you to get them is a better lesson than daddy saving the day or even still with the price of gas- enjoying the party as best one can without swimming.

First of all accidents happen....don't beat yourself up over not double checking. I would of probably of assumed the 12 year old knew in order to swim we would need the swimsuits also. As far as your DH goes considering these are his children you are hauling around to birthday parties I would say it didn't kill daddy to bring you the swimsuits. Parenting is a team effort after all.

P.S. I LOATHE birthday parties but I go to them anyway if the girls are invited:)

On a lighter note.....forgot to pack for a trip, got on a plane with out luggage. Hilarious.

Beleiver, I cant believe for one minute anyone involved, SM or SD, knowningly left the bag behind. This was not disobediance, this was forgetfulness. On both SM and SDs part. Now, OP said she was busy, OK understood, but lets stop making every problem here into the rotten disobedient stepchildren.

What I found interesting in some of the responses to my reply, is that if the situation had not been a pool party, but a school event or doctor visit... some of those same posters would cry foul and say "SM has no business doing DADS job." but it's okay to jump all over SM because she asks dad to help her out? Yes, she forgot them, but it's HIS kids that needed their swimsuits. SM could have said, 'oh well, I guess you all can sit and watch the others swim.' The fact that he is going to work has nothing to do with the fact that they are HIS kids, HIS responsibility and SM is doing HIM a favor by taking them to a pool party while he's at work. Should she rely on a 12 year old to remember things.. maybe not. Should a 12 year old have enough common sense to know that the bag has the swim suits and they are going to a pool party? Absolutely! If she can't find the goggles and it's her job to get them before they leave, common sense would be for her to say 'mom2emall, I can't find the goggles. Where are they?' It was irresponsible to not only not get the goggles, but to not say anything about it. By age 12, kids are expected to remember things like homework, library books, PE clothes, among other things. I agree with believer, we are supposed to be raising 'responsible adults'. If they forget things, there is supposed to be a consequence so they learn to remember. My 9 year old SD can remember what is important to her.

The point is not about whether she should or shouldn't have to be responsible for remembering a bag or if OP is at fault for not double checking. The point is that DAD is custodial and HIS kids are HIS responsibility and asking him to bring HIS kids things should not have gotten the reaction he gave. HE WAS WRONG. Period. If a custodial parent is not going to appreciate what the step parent does for them (and children), then the next pool party.. he can take time off from work to take them or they can miss the party. If dad has a problem with how much appreciation he gets for supporting the family, that's a separate issue. He can insist his partner work to help out. In my case, I work (and I work around everyone else's schedule) so I can pick up SD from practice on Monday & Tuesday. I go to her meets on Wednesdays. I drive her to karate twice a week and occasional girl scout events. and if she gets invited to a party, I take her shopping and to the party if he's at work. I do that on top of working and contributing more than 50% financially. In OP's situation, I believe all four kids are his so he is working to support HIS kids. OP was working as well and handling most of the tasks that us ladies usually end up doing.. taking care of the house and kids. and there was nothing in any of her posts to indicate that she doesn't appreciate her husband. And she wasn't asking for him to appreciate what she was doing by taking them to a pool party, she was asking him to help her out by bringing his kids their swimsuits.

It might be different if OP is always forgetting things and her DH is always being called to bring things to her and he's tired of it because it happens all the time. I can see that would be frustrating, but a one time event does not call for him throwing a fit or having an attitude.

I know, stargazzer, isn't it funny. she was going to pack in the morning (7AM airplane) but overslept, so there was no point in packing, she just ran on a subway with passport and wallet in her back packet. can you imagine my face in the airport? No winter clothes either, Christmas break. haha We have plenty of stories about DD. getting to the car with no shoes- left them by the car, arriving to a winter climate area without winter clothes. we can write a book.

Maybe I should specify my question about being mad. It was being more directed towards my dh being mad and if he should have been. And it was also directed as if you were in my shoes would you be mad at dh for overreacting and blaming you wholly.

Accidents happen. Yes I asked my dh to give up his alone time to bring swimsuits. Don't the kids come first?? And ya he had to drive out of his way to bring them. I asked him to do it because it was only a 2 hour party and we would have missed almost half of it by the time we went home instead of the kids missing swimming for less than a quarter of it.

Accidents do happen but sd should have said something instead of letting us go there without them.

Believer wrote: "Yes tweens are forgetful and so on but as parents it is our job to train them and hold them responsible. We're in the business of growing responsible adults."

I absolutely agree on kids learning responsibility and being accountable for their actions. Only potential trouble I see here is when adults aren't willing to do the same. The good ol' "united front" theory starts to veer into dangerous territory if the kid takes ALL the responsibility even as parent slinks out of it, out of a fear that the kid will see that adults on occasion make mistakes... or even disagree!

In a situation like this, it was a miscommunication, followed by lack of follow-up on both SM and SD's part, so the responsibility is shared. But can this always be avoided, by anyone? No. Did anyone do anything wrong to the point where anyone should be reprimanded? Not really, it's just a "needs improvement" all around and frankly, practical advice would be much more helpful to the situation. SD could be told: "next time lets each of us say Âokay, I got goggles right here, got my swimsuit right hereÂ, etc. and all do a double-check, and if we leave something behind, well we know we all tried and if none of us remembered it, then the thing just didnÂt want to get brought!" but that would apply just as equally to SM, or the other kids, or any human being who ever runs the risk of forgetting something. If forgetfulness becomes a pattern for anyone in the family, then someone else in the family can and should say "wow, youÂve got C.R.S. allright! LetÂs think about some tricks you can use to help you remember things better, like lists or hanging things off the front doorknob..." as well as learning not to count on that person remembering ANYONE ELSEÂS things!

Ima,

You said "If dad has a problem with how much appreciation he gets for supporting the family, that's a separate issue. He can insist his partner work to help out." -- I disagree, its for every family to work out what works for them. Here, OP and her DH have reached a decision that she will not work full time, and it is only reasonable she does more things like taking kids to parties. Taking kids to a party isnt a parental decision, I assume many people carpool 12 yearolds to parties.

Mom2emll, she forgot, OK, let it drop. Of course she have told you, but you should have checked. Thats you job. So you both forgot. Give it a rest.

kkny......Please read the second paragraph of the original posting. That is what I based my opinion on.

I have a 33 year old stepdaughter from my first marriage that I am extremely close to and love dearly. She calls me "Mom" and tells me that she doesn't know where she would be if it were not for me. Please do not assume that I think all step kids are terrible. I am raising my second one now in my second marriage. Her mom died when she was 6 and she is now 10. She is far from mean and evil. She is innocent and at the mercy of her Dad and I when we can't agree on situations.

I've lived with a stepdaughter (the 1st one) that purposely did things to hurt me and cause trouble. So I know that it is a possibility to life under those circumstances. I have not, however, been a stepchild, so I can't imagine how difficult that must be. My 2 biological kids have a step mom so I live with that situation also.

When leaving on an excursion we make a list and well before hand we go over it to make sure that everyone has what they need. Each family does their own thing. I was just concerned about the statements made in the second paragraph.......:0)

SD did NOT get in "trouble" for forgetting swimsuits. Her siblings gave her a hard time because it affected them. I told her that next time she was asked to do something she needs to say something if she is unable to do it.

As for carpooling, it was a family friends childs party which I was invited to stay as well. So carpooling was not an option.

I was not really even upset with her. It was a mistake and she is usually good about remembering things and doing what she is asked to do. I was more upset with my husband for throwing a little tantrum about it and acting like it was all my fault and it was some huge deal!

He has forgotton things at times and inconvenienced me by it but I did not react the way he did. One time we went to the grocery store and as we were in line he realized he forgot his wallet at home. We share a Debit card because he is bad about writing purchases down and letting me know and I did not want to pay bounce fees. He had the card in his wallet. So I stayed in the store and he drove home to get the wallet. It inconvenienced me and the kids because we had to spend that extra time at the store, but we just laughed about it.

I don't understand the fuss. so he got grumpy. he probably works hard and is tired. let him be.

and it would be ridiculous to expect a working man to take time off to drive kids to parties if his wife is home anyways. they probably discussed what are going to be her responsibilites if he is the only one working. On the other hand if a couple decides that they would carpool or hire someone to drive the kids then it would be a different story, but apparently it is not what they decided.

Lol as I read this post SD just busted in from school hysterical...She grabbed the wrong binder at the end of the day..ended up grabbing the teachers!!!!!!!! they are exactly the same color etc.... so we are off to school to get hers and return his..I have a feeling he might need his! kids are kids and tweens especially are forgetful....but you know what? I can think of quite a few things I have forgotten this week myself! I dont think this is Step issue I think it is a normal family issue!
Off to school I go!!!!!!!!

Mom2emall,

I think it is hard in any relationship (with bio-kids and/or step-kids, or even no kids at all) to negotiate roles and who should do what, and who feels appreciated and who feels like a more valuable "conributor" to the relationship. Especially in the situation where one spouse works significantly more than the other, or earns more than the other, etc. And I can sympathize with the feeling of being a bit belittled if you're the one who's home more, like your contributions don't matter as much... which is I think the root cause of your upset with DH. I say 'sympathize' because I can't empathize because I work full-time and actually aspire to have 'career' in one way or another always be a part of my life. And since I have htis thing where it's really hard for me to feel happy under someone else's control financially, it will probably always be important to me to know that I have my own money and the flexibility and choice it brings. But even though I have these views (and maybe BECAUSE of these views), I can see where there is a feeling of being somewhat stuck and without as much of a voice, and without as much appreciation, when you're the one who stays home for the kids. And especially step-kids, where usually that 'natural bond' isn't there. This is the root of the argument, I think, that you and DH aren't seeing your respective roles in the same way, or you're both feeling a bit unappreciated, and maybe you're feeling a bit powerless in that you have no choice but to "suck up" the duties that he expects you to perform as a mostly stay-at-home stepmother. To your credit, that's a big challenge in a stepfamily. He might not be aware enough of what these conflicts are likely to be. You might not either, and if you're like most people, you didn't anticipate some of these feelings.

I think the working bio-Dad and stay-at-home-stepmother is a huge challenge and has a lot of potential for conflict all around. But it may be the only option for your situation. Only you know that. If it's not possible to change the set-up or adjust schedules, then you and he it sounds like need to have a more honest and really specific conversation about what each of you needs and expects out of the other, what you will and won't do, and possible solutions to where nobody feels taken advantage of. The more clear-cut and specific, the better. It may be hard for him to face the reality that what might have been a fantasy of you becoming an Instant Mom to his kids and loving them unconditionally under these circumstances where you're left with them all the time and do a lot of the tasks relevant to them just isn't realistic. He may not want to face up to that reality, or he may judge you for it, when it's really more the situation. He shouldn't judge you or have unreasonable expectations, but he also shouldn't be putting his kids in that situation either where they are likely to become the handier target of some resentment.

Can you go back to work full-time and can DH cut back some hours at work or adjust his schedule to be there for the kids more? Are there affordable and reliable afterschool type programs the kids could get involved in? Can you start trusting the oldest kid to look after the others, at least sometimes? How close to driving age is the oldest?

All I know is, my mom (like many women who retain custody of kids after a divorce) raised me herself while working full-time for not that much money, between the ages of 2 and 13. Because of this I spent quite a bit of time in day camps, afterschool programs, etc. and then I was a latch-key kid starting at about age 10. Every other weekend or so my grandparents would watch me, or a few other nice elderly women close-by would. I played with kids mostly from my own neighborhood, had a bike that I could ride myself to their houses, sometimes there were activities I just couldn't participate in b/c of logistics, but I turned out okay and didn't feel neglected or short-changed by my mom. This was just the way it was. It might be a delicate matter for you in particular to bring up with DH, but if you explain honestly WHY you want to go in a direction where the kids don't have you around all the time and if you explain that you feel like a better contribution for you personally to make to the household is more income towards it, I think he would embrace it. Just my suggestion, for what it's worth.

"I don't understand the fuss. so he got grumpy. he probably works hard and is tired. let him be.
and it would be ridiculous to expect a working man to take time off to drive kids to parties if his wife is home anyways. they probably discussed what are going to be her responsibilites if he is the only one working. On the other hand if a couple decides that they would carpool or hire someone to drive the kids then it would be a different story, but apparently it is not what they decided."

Ok, I'm with IMA on the fact if this were a PTA Meeting or a SAH Stepparent keeping skids while dad is at work comments like this would not be made. We need to be mindful that what is good for the goose.....

If the stepmom is home anyways whoes to say she shouldn't keep the kids while dad works,go to sports functions, volunteer at school,meet with teachers...etc. You can't say some things are exceptable and others not. Either step parents are the acting parents in the absence of the bio's or they are not. If they are NOT than dad shouldn't have gotten his underwear in a wade because this was HIS duty to start with:)

Mom2emall- I don't blame you at all for getting a little upset at how DH reacted. It was an HONEST mistake on all parts and he shouldn't of blamed you or anyone else. There was no need for him to be pissy. Where kids are involved truth is stranger than fiction and whatever CAN happen WILL. He should know this if he's a parent for crying out loud. It did no good taking out his irritation on you.

I personally do not believe that SMs should not be doing anything for SKs. But I don't think Sms should make major medical decisions or educational ones (unless they adopted SKs). I think those decisions have to be reserved for parents but rather than that it is perfectly fine for anyone to take care of the children: mom, dad, stepparents, grandparents etc.

If you put it this way that it has to be dad's responsibility. yes. But since he works and has to provide he must delegate. yes, he could delegate to grandparents or even hire someone, or a stepparent could do it. he naturally delegates to a stepmother because they probaly made a decision that SM will not be working but will be driving the kids-step and bio. If decision was made that dad will work AND drive his kids without SM's help then he would have to delegate anyways, probably babysitter or relative.

I don't know doodelboo about meeting wiht the teachers. Unless bioparents are not in the picture AT ALL i do not believe stepparents should go talk to teachers or talk to doctors. There is no way i would want SM to dicuss anything wiht DD's teachers or doctors. It is not her business. It is very much overstepping IMHO.

Serenity,

I do not like someone to "support me". I have a college degree and had a career. My dh could not change his work schedule due to seniority issues and it will not be changed for who knows how long. I was the one who was doing EVERYTHING at home and with the kids and it took its toll on me. He could not change his hours and we both decided that it would be worth the pay decrease for me to take part-time position. I am able to be home more and I do not have work to bring home as I did before. When I am home I can now concentrate on the kids and household stuff without feeling so worn out and bogged down all the time.
I do still earn a paycheck and contribute to the household expenses.

I do not resent my position in our home. I love being home with my son and I do love my stepkids as my own. I am able to be room mom for my ss's kindergarten class this year. I will be able to go to my younger sd and my sons field trips. I do go to all their dr. appts, school functions, and every parent/teacher conference. When my dh's schedule permits he also attends these things. BM never went to these things when she lived in-state and now that she is out of state it is impossible for her to go to them.

But me working part-time does not give me slave status in the home. We never agreed that I would do everything for the kids and home and all dh had to do was work.

Thanks doodle and serenity for your sympathy. Just an aggrevating situation. The situation happened and then was dropped at our house, I just came on here to vent.

MOM2ENALL-

You were quite articulate in your initial post of this account. I completely understood that you weren't trying to pass the buck and unfairly place the blame on your SD. I thought it was obvious that you were ticked at DH's reaction to having to bring the suits and that you were wondering if we'd feel the same if we were in you shoes. Well, if I were in your shoes, I would have been irritated with DH too. I also think you were unfairly flamed, basted and raked over the coals with most of the responses. Geez, it was just one of those things. I doubt you are constantly making DH your errand boy. Geri

I would have been mad at my DH. I do not at any time ever deserve to be scolded by my husband. The situation happened.. you asked her to do it... she forgot ... you didnt think to double check...she didnt do what you asked....Big deal things like this happen every day... I would have called DH to bring the suits too and I would not have expected any sort of attitude or comment to be made. Mistakes happen all the time with kids and schedules and what not... He is a parent and that's what parent's do...

Goodness many of you were hard on mom2. Not a huge deal IMO. I took away from her post thinking she was not mad at sd but at dh who overreacted. And I think you had a right to be upset with dh.

No need to defend your employment status. If it were a bm on here from an intact family on here saying she is a sahm and dh complained about pitching in I think most of the posters would have agreed dh had no reason to be grumpy. But since your a sm it automatically makes it different because your dh makes more money than you? Talk about double standards. Thought the year was 2008 not 1960. In this day in age men have just as much responsibility for the children don't they?

helpwiththis, of course dads are as responsible for kids. But usually whoever works is simply not there to be able to take certain responsibilities. it is physically not possible to be in two different places at once.

I also assume that with a job market right now people are stressed over job responsibilities, losing jobs, not getting expected raise etc. Maybe it would be nice if he would remain calm but it is unrealstic to expect that all the time. Maybe in a perfect world everyone is relaxed and never grumpy.

I wonder if mom2emall has to ask her DH how he really felt. Who knows...Maybe if I would have to go to work on a perfectly nice warm day, but the rest of the family goes to a fun party swimming at the pool and even that they cannot manage without me dropping everything and running out of my way before I start working my stressful job! Even when they go to a party have fun they still need to make me do extra job to deliver stuff to them! Like I don't work enough!

Just think how he felt.

Finedreams-
"I personally do not believe that SMs should not be doing anything for SKs."

I'm glad you understand this because some folks don't:) It would take a really cold ugly person to be around a child all the time and never do anything for them but there are alot of Bio's who believe that's exactly how it should be. At least you are reasonable.

I think the frustration for alot of steps is the double standard factor. It is OK to do all the shlepping, cleaning, feeding, or to get reamed out for forgetting Skids swimsuits...i.e. grunt work. They are very quickly reminded of their place on the food chain however when it comes to anything of importance in the child's life....i.e. wedding politics, teacher issues, medical issues, birthday parties. It's hurtful to be made to feel so devalued if you work just as hard as the bio parents to care for the children. In my case I work ten times HARDER than the girls mom.

Step parenting is a totally thankless job as far as the adults involved go. All you can do is hope the children grow to love and appreciate you and sometimes THAT doesn't even happen.

Doodle, I am sorry you work 10 times harder than the girls mom, but I honestly dont beleive most SMs do. We have listened to complaints re wedding issues, etc from EOW SMs. It is not the same thing. I think EOW SMs should accept that they arent the same as bioparents. I think some advice that works for SMs married to custodial parents doesnt translate well to all situations.

doodle in your case you pretty much the only mom. Mom is not there so of course you are the one to make all parental decision. in most cases though bioparent is there more or less even if it is not a custodial parent. My x was not a custodial parent but still i and he made decisions about education or medical needs. he is still a parent. DD's SM might be a nice woman but if she would go to Dd's doctor or teachers and discuss anything there i would be very furious.

In my case I am also working 10X harder than the bm. She left the state and can't even call on a regular basis! So I really think of my skids as "my kids". Everyone else sees me as the mom as well. The school is aware that dh has custody, I am the sm, and bm is out of state. That does not stop all the teachers from referring to me as the kids mom. Coaches refer to me as the kids mom. Friends parents refer to me as the mom. Heck, since we moved and the kids have made new friends I do not even think that the kids have told most of their friends that I am their stepmom! When bm did call one time when my sd was having a sleepover I called my sd to the phone. She asked who it was and I said "your mom". The friend looked at sd puzzled and sd looked embarassed and told the friend she would tell her about it later. Wish I could have been a fly on the wall during the conversation she had with her friend!

I think that if a stepparent is living with the child full-time and one of the bioparents is not involved than that stepparent fills that role. They then not only do the nurturing, errands, etc but then they also are a part of medical and educational decisions. BM in my case couldn't tell you the names of the schools my kids are in, let alone their teachers names or what they are learning in school. She sent my middle sd a birthday card for her last birthday that said the wrong age on it for god sakes!

to me this doesn't have anything to do with step vs bio...

that day DH was going to work, mom was taking kids to a party. mom is responsible for all the details of that role that day regardless of whether the kids are bio, step,or the neighbors kids for that matter.

moreover, a parents job comes before a children's birthday party...I asked DH what he would do and he said- "I would have said--Sorry I am on my way to work regardless of whether it was DSs, skids, or both."

It's annoying for OP to be sure but if what you need for your outing is missing, it's your responsibility to get it. Your lucky that you have a husband who was even willing to bring the suits, dealing with a grumpy husband is a small price to pay for not having to leave the party and drive back and forth- I wouldn't be mad I would let it go.

newgarden said it the best. it is not about steps or bio. that was my point as well. DH could as easily say: "no" and frankly most people would say "no". you don't have your party things, oh too bad. he was nice enough to drive back and forth when it really was not his responsibility that day. so he was grumpy. of course he was, most people would. let it go.

KKNY -
thank you for acknowledging that SM's of CP are different than EOW SM who only complain. I imagine that this is where so much disention comes from on this site. I am the CP's (they are adults now but still live here) other half and I know I do/done more than their BM. In fact, just a few weeks ago I noticed that the SD (20) lost HUGE chunks of hair, big bald spots. Her mom had been aware of it for two months and did nothing about it - and before you ask why I didn't see it, it's because she is usually asleep when I leave for work and out at her BF's house until 2 -3 am hanging out with him and his mom. Anyway, I told her that I thought she had alopecia and that she needed to see the dr, gave her my dermatologist's # and told her that I would pay for the visit should she not have money. What was her mom thinking??? It could have been a very serious symptom of something else. anyway kkny, some of really try to do the best for these kids - thank you for recognizing it. It goes a long way.

It is quite possible gerina that your SD has trichotillomania. Hair pulling. Somewhat akin to cutting. It is well hidden like every other mania.

Collen-

No, it's not hair pulling. She went to the DR. and it's what I thought. They are trying to rule out an autoimmune possibility now and she needs to go back in another week for more blood work. Hopefully she will be alright.

KKNY and Finedreams-

I agree custodial step parents and EOW step parents are two totally different ballgames. I only mentioned what I did because if I remember correctly Mom2emall is also a custodial step parent. It applies to her situation. There is a good little handful of custodial step parents that post here. It's not the norm I agree.

Doodle said - "I think the frustration for alot of steps is the double standard factor. It is OK to do all the shlepping, cleaning, feeding, or to get reamed out for forgetting Skids swimsuits...i.e. grunt work. They are very quickly reminded of their place on the food chain however when it comes to anything of importance in the child's life....i.e. wedding politics, teacher issues, medical issues, birthday parties."

This goes for a lot of EOW SMs and even SMs that have SK that live out of town. When they are minors, someone still has to do those things for them while they are at our homes, and dad has to work or can't be there. I still have to "take care" of FSD when she's here. When she's here for 2 weeks, I have to be the one to make sure she's got shampoo, soap, toothbrush, feminine products, etc. Why do I need to be the one to get these things? Well, because I'm already taking care of these things for my own DS. I'm already going to the store for DS, FDH and myself. I have to wash FSD's clothes. Why do I have to do that? I'm already doing it for everyone else in the house. It would be ridiculous to not include FSD in that and FDH would be pissed at me all the time because there would be double work to do. I was still involved in her extra-curricular activites when she lived here. I spent plenty of weekends setting up for carnivals or volunteering to cook a turkey. Just because I'm not HER BM doesn't mean I'm not a BM and therefore not capable of getting done what needs to be done. She's still a minor and she still needs care.

"step parenting is a totally thankless job as far as the adults involved go. All you can do is hope the children grow to love and appreciate you and sometimes THAT doesn't even happen."

That is completely true. Yea, sure, I'm not a full-time SM. But I do/did plenty for FSD. I've attended every function I possibly could even dragging an unwilling and bored DS to 4/hr. concerts. was always able to fill in where the BPs weren't able to do something and I was always there to be an extra person when needed. I love her. And I have been in her life for half of it. That is a long time to say that I never do anything for her and that I've never been put in a position to have HAD to do something for her.

I'm not trying to hijack or start another debate. Just sick of the thought that EOW SMs don't give of themselves.

I am sorry but if I had taken our 4 kids to a birthday party, got there and realized we had forgot something (regardless of who forgot it) and then I called DH to bring it to me and he told me no... especially knowing that all it really required him to do was to leave early for work..... I can guarantee that there would be no question as to wether or not I would be mad. I would be livid. That is just ... well I dont really know what to call that but I would be highly poed. We are a team and we back each other up. I can think of several different instances where one of us or one of the kids forgot something or something didnt get done and the other had to do it. It is part of being a family; working together to get things done....especially when you have a hand full of kids. For crying out loud going to the grocery store is an ordeal when you have that many kids. Stuff happens get over it and more importantly do not be so high handed as to scold me ... a grown adult ... your wife ... not your child when something does happen.

Part of the anger may be based on past history. Is this the first time this has happened or have there been other instances, many other. I for one was very grateful that my husband earned our living and brought the money home for me to take care of. I took care of the problems at home, he had enough on his plate.

My dh was not late to work, he just had to leave a bit early. This is the only time he has ever had to drop something off to us. When I was still working there was a few times he was home during the morning and the kids forgot something for school and he had to run it up there, but he was the only one home to do so.

And stargazzer I do not have that mentality that all a man has to do is bring home money. I bring home money too. The point is my marriage is a partnership and we share responsibility for things with the children and our home. Most times I do more because I am home more, but him working outside the home more than I do does not make him exempt from helping with the kids sometimes and/or helping in the house.

Ashley, I dont think EOW SMs dont give to stepchildren, but it is not the same as the mom, or a SM married to a CP. YOu may be doing everything a mom would do, but we are tlaking about 6-8 days a month, and a few weeks over the summer. This is not a judgement over the quality of time an EOW SM spends with the stepchildren, but the quantity. I am the one who has to worry about missing work if their is a illness or other issue, I have to get the child to the doctor. I am not saying that an EOW SM couldnt, but that she doesnt typically do that. When the mother is active in the childs life, it is a different situation than many people here. To me, someone here made a good analogy, that a SM married to a NCP is more likely in a role like an aunt or GM. Yes, my sister can drive my DD places, and if it were an emergency she would take my DD, but absent unusual situations, she would not be making decisions re DD.