a little pop psych here, but sound like you are enabling your son to make up for the bad childhood he had. Have you guys ever been to therapy?
Your son is 19, in every rights a young man who should be wanting to be out on his own. Your hubby, the "man of the house" knows that and is trying in his own way of pushing him out of the nest.
Maybe there's more to the picture your painting, but thats the way I see it

As the father figure, he should offer some positive as well as negative. He ignores my son, doesnt speak to him about anything, has never taken him to a movie or even to 7-11. He only looks for things to complain about, then I get caught in the middle and I am tired of it. My son should step up, get a job and start thinking about his future. He is immature. I take some of the blame for that. Most of his friends are the same as him. Lazy. But my husband needs to take an active role also instead of complaining. How about some encouragement or how about speaking to him like a father. In my husbands eyes, my son is "useless" I have enabled my son in certain ways, but I dont deem anybody "useless". That seems a little smug and immature.

When he says your son is useless, do you take up for him? IF you dont't then you have no right to complain. You let him say these things. I say let him leave. If he feels the need to belittle your flesh and blood then what is to stop him from doing it to you or your daughter if one day he feels you are not pulling your share. I take much offense to someone calling someone else useless. No one has that right. A parent does not have that right much less a stepparent. Why dont you talk to your son? This is a situation that is harmful to him. Maybe he feels that you feel this and if you already feel he is not worth anything he will just prove your point.

Also tattoos and piercings have nothing to do with any of his behavior. That is something that everyone tries at that age. I did and so will your daughter so dont judge on that fact.

As much as I think its time for your son to become more self sufficient, the attitude of your husband is hurtful and helps nothing. If your son, at 19, has no job and is not in college - yes, there are problems on the horizon here. The baby bird needs to at least receive the suggestion that there is a great big world out there and he needs to start making plans for jumping out of the nest and into that world. I am not one that encourages throwing kids out when they are 18 - because everyone matures at a different rate and often when a child leaves the home before they are REALLY prepared ... they yoyo back, but hey - my 17 year old daughter has a job and a bank account approaching 5 figures saved up all on her own!!! I know she will not be ready to leave the home at 18 - but I will require that she works while attending school and slowly add more responsibility to her for her own good. It is very hard to do what is right for them. I could easily pay her way through life until I breathe my last breath because she is such a wonderful person and I love her so deeply - but is that what is good for her? It hurts to see her going to work day after day and coming home tired and saving her little paycheck. It also hurts to make her spend that $$ on things that we have determined we will not pay for (non essentials). She has to learn to make choices on what to spend that money on and sometimes she backs off - knowing how hard it was to save it. You know - we raise our kids to have "Roots and Wings". Everything we are doing as they grow is to help them be self sufficient adults. What are you doing to help him along that route? Your husband may be very right that your son needs to accept some responsibiity for himself - but his methods are all wrong. Probably because he has become so frustrated that its now turned to anger and disgust. Maybe you can start taking baby steps in helping your son become a man.

If I had a Mom like you, who did everything for me including making my excuses for me, I wouldn't want to leave home either.

It is high time the two of you (Mom and Step-Dad) prepare your son for life on his own.

He needs to know how to clean, how to do laundry, how to prepare food. He needs to learn the gratification (and rewards) one can get by being a contributing member of a household (and eventually society).

And if/when he doesn't contribute -- there MUST be some unpleasant consequences. Walking by the trashcans when he could have pitched in and brought them back up to the house, ain't cuttin' it. He needs to know/learn what DOES cut it.

The only person who can REALLY teach him these things -- is you -- the parent with the most loving bond. Mama, it's time to prepare your son for life -- it's the most loving gift you could ever give him.

You can approach these life-lessons with a positive can-do attitude.

You can do this.
Q

I have a son who went thru similar circumstances. I played the tough love mom, kicked him out when he got out of hand and quit school. He also was playing with drugs, not working, not helping out around the house and always needing money to go play or getting it from friends.

I actually had him escorted off our property at the age of 18 by the police and had them tell him that he wasnt welcome back til he decided to follow our rules.

Took all summer, but the following September he came home with promises of doing it right this time. Went back to school, graduated with great grades and just this year graduated college.

Love means being tuff when you need to be, and letting him get away with being a bum is not what he needs from you. He needs parenting, even tho he is older.

Your hubby doesnt need to get involved, other than to stand beside you when you lay down the law. This isnt his son, he does need to be encouraging...but doesnt sound like much to encourage here. You say this is the 2nd time around with GED? Is he going to the clases before the test? If not he needs to. It will help. He also needs an ultimatum, no school then get out and get a decent job. Give him a time limit, say 3 months. That is plenty. Then stick with it. He may get angry at first, but once in the real world my son found out I wasnt so stupid after all. He now makes over $3000 a month, and is taking care of himself. If I had let him continue down the path of destruction both of us would have been so hurt. I didnt stop him from that path, I just didnt allow him to follow it in my home. And his desire to follow it diminished when he was on his own.

Please help your son help himself. Before it is to late. Playing with a few drugs leads to bigger and badder things. Dont allow it to go on in your home!

I think you're enabling your son to become dependent and useless. What's wrong with expecting him to get a job since he doesn't go to school? Do you expect him to live with you forever? I know you love your son but, you are enabling the bad behavior.

I agree. It's time to cut those apron strings. At his age, he should at least have an idea of where he is going in life, and have a plan to get there. Looks like he's got no plan at all, he's happy being "kept" by Mommy. Have you considered the frustration your husband feels? If you are constantly making excuses for your son, who even you call lazy, perhaps your husband has just had his fill of enabling the enabler. I'll bet his comments about "useless" -- though hurtful and should definitely have not been said -- were borne of frustration. We all say things we don't mean when we're angry, hurt and frustrated. Nobody is perfect, for sure. I'll bet that if you start treating your son like a man and expecting him to pull his own weight, your husband will support you and have a totally different attitude. It's time your son start thinking about his future -- making it on his own. Yes, we can support our kids. That's what we're supposed to do. But, you are failing your son in allowing him to spend his life hanging out with his friends and mooching off of you. It's time he grew up. You must show him how.

Yes, you are enabling him. About your DD, she's watching and learning. If she knows this behavior will not be tolerated, she's more apt to get a job or continue her education after high school. She needs to know what is expected of her (as well as your DS).

I feel for you because you are in the middle. I have a similar situation, but my daughter is 16 and has a mental illness. However, she got a job through the help of her therapist and the state agencies and she also has a driver's license and a car she knows she's responsible for. She is still in high school, but she knows that she is going to have to put herself thru college, so she works hard for her good grades.

My boyfriend (live in) doesn't see the work she's doing, he only sees me "enabling" and sees what she doesn't do or does wrong. It's incredibly depressing to try to be loving and encouraging but also know where the line is for self-sufficiency for kids who have had issues. My BF has a daughter I consider a spoiled Daddy's Princess, but he doesn't see HER faults as I do.

Your husband can never love your son as you do and is probably at his wit's end coming home after working to support a "kid" who can't pull his own weight. If your husband leaves, you still have the issues with your son and you won't be happy then, either. You have to remind yourself that putting your foot down and telling your son there are requirements for his living there is another way of telling him you love him. It's the hard way. I had to put my daughter in a residential facility for 2 years--not easy! But it was necessary.

Your son needs to hear a firm declaration from you, over and over and over, and you have to stick to it. Decide what you expect from him and what Hubby expects, write it down, and consider it unchangeable. It's your son's choice whether to get a life, not yours. Don't let him take YOUR LIFE and your daughter's down with him.

Good luck.