The poor kid is probably suffering from depression. A year is not a long time into the recovery process when you lose your mother as a child.

I don't understand why it's his mother's fault that he needs braces. Are you saying she shouldn't have had children just because she had orthodontic problems herself? It's not quite the same as passing on a fatal disease.

To me, you sound exhausted.

Give yourself a break, take one day at a time.

Forget about your frustration with the dead mother, she's gone.

Ask for help from your DH, say to him, you are overwhelmed, you need some new ideas on how to deal with this poor child.

I know you are doing your best, you just need new angles on how to deal with him. Have you talked about this with anyone else ?

YOU have the potential of making a real difference in this boy's life.

There is no other place for this boy to live, is there ?

Is SS getting any counselling? How about you?

The poor kid is depressed.....if he isn't in counseling, get him there quickly (or even maybe on some meds). When I came into my SS's life he just turned 13 and his life was upsidedown with his mother acting out, he just was so sad all the time, never laughed, smiled or talked. Now, 3 years later, we marvel at how he has come around (and we do attribute it to the stability that my now husband and I have provided against the instability of his mother). He is such a pleasure to be around now that we really believe he was depressed back then. Though we didn't get him on meds, we did set up a therapist for him to see so that he had a neutral space to vent or discuss his mother and her issues.

I would also suggest that you get some help too -- you have a little baby who is very needy and you sound like you're just exhausted.

Maybe ask his father to take lots of time to spend with him away from you to give you a little break from it. But, please, please don't take it out on him....it will only make it worse and it has potential to get worse as he gets older. Get him help....and stop dwelling on her -- she is gone and the situation is what it is (hate to say it, but he is better off with her out of the picture if she was such a bad mother).

I agree with the advice about counseling! For everyone.

Hang in there. As popi mentioned, you have the ability to make a tremendous difference for him.

I also agree that you need to set aside time for YOU.
Even if it's just and hour to go get a manicure.....go do something.
My mom used to wait until my brother and I were in bed for the night (my dad was sleeping, too) and she would go to a grocery store that was open all night to do our shopping. She said that it was actually very relaxing. No screaming kids, no crowds, the chance to look at new items, etc....whatever, she said it worked, My parents were young and didn't have a lot of money for "extras", so she used to say she was going on a pretend vacation. lol

Thanks for support. The thing about the braces is that it would've been nice if she were here to financially support my SS--that is all I was trying to say and NOT that she should not have had children. Unfortunately, we have tried a few different counselors (3) and they don't help. I feel like a paid alot of money to have someone listen and not help. If I want to express myself, then writing about it in a forum like this helps me more. I know, you may think that I need to bring my SS to one too. His BM went to several and used them as an excuse not to be responsible in her life. I don't want that to happen to my SS and I don't trust conselors. I do agree with you though that I need to let go of the anger toward BM, because it is not helping me. I know that you all want to help my SS out, but really, I am looking for help for myself right now and I don't think I will be able to help him until I am able to help myself.

I don't think you have time to wait to get help for your stepson. Serious depression and teenage hormones are not a good mix. I agree that most counselors (especially marriage counselors) are pretty useless, but there are some out there who can help him. He needs to find someone who will understand his grief, not who will tell him he is better off.

Also, I think there is a good possibility you are suffering from postpartum depression, treatment of which requires more than just a counselor.

"His BM went to several and used them as an excuse not to be responsible in her life. I don't want that to happen to my SS and I don't trust conselors."

I understand this sentiment, as my stepsons' BioMom has been in therapy for years, and it still hasn't made her a happy person. HOWEVER, there are good therapists, and (for a change) I agree with what TOS is saying. You and your SS need some outside help. He lost his mom, and no matter how crappy she was, he still loves her. He's too young to process that she was awful and that, in the long run, he is probably better off. I know, to all the BioMoms out there, that does sound harsh, but I am speaking from personal experience now. Or maybe he does sense that, subconciously, and feels guilt on top of his grief. Who knows? BUT any child, no matter what the circumstances, who loses a parent at that age, needs to be able to talk about and work through their grief with a neutral person. He needs therapy with a strong grief counseling component.

And you do sound like you may be suffering from PPD. A new baby is tough enough, without a toddler and a grieving adolescent. Please get yourself some help. Your whole family will be better for it.

Thanks, but I don't have ppd. BTW, where is your medical degree from?

My son has the ability to express his feelings in ways other than therapy and that is something that I help with, but sometimes is it a thankless job to help a grieving child. Have you ever experienced it?

If when my son is older and wants therapy, he can make that choice for himself and I won't stand in his way. I'm sure that there are some good therapists out there, but they are not for me or for this family and you are welcome to disagree with me, but you won't change my mind, so don't bother trying.

"I don't think you have time to wait to get help for your stepson."

my thoughts, too.

Maybe you don't have PPD, but you are having troubles and you are feeling down.

And, by the way, when I talk about getting help for your SS, I don't necessarily mean a therapist to talk to -- he may need an M.D. to get him some meds to help him.

You ask for and say you need help, but the most obvious kind that seems to be a consensus you respond:

"but you won't change my mind, so don't bother trying."

Please also understand that at 12 years old, he is not old enough or mature enough to make these decisions for himself. He is a child who needs help from his parents.
Good luck. I hope someone takes control of getting the child some help.

You need to involve the child's father in these important decisions, more.

You would do well to not close your mind to ways of getting help, keep searching, asking and you will get there in the end.

Your postings convey a feeling of fatigue and exhaustion, this could easily cloud your thinking.

It sounds like you just need to vent and have a place you can do that w/o being judged. I'm happy to listen if you need a friend (vistajpdf@aol.com).

I'm also a stepmom to 3 kids in their 20's and I have MANY days when I am very resentful of them and their mother, who has been basically no help in any way. So, I do understand where you're coming from. Like you, I have 3 little boys who need me and since my adult stepdd moved in after Thanksgiving (I housed her brother for years in the late 90's, early 00's), I often feel, "I didn't sign up for THIS!"

So, I do feel for you. You know you can't turn your back on this boy and deep down, I hope you don't really want to. Kids can have a drug-abusing, physically abusive prostitute for a mother, whom they will call for in the middle of the night for some strange reason. You and I know it takes more to being a mom than just giving birth, but to kids, even the worst mother is still a mother.

You may not have PPD (though women do have 80 times the normal levels of estrogen after delivering a baby), but my guess is that your sleep-deprived w/ a newborn and a preschooler running around. (DMD degree from Univ. of FL, '91, lol) I'm also still in a state of sleep deprivation and my boys are nearly 3, 5, and 7. If I had a depressed adolscent on my hands, I'm thinking I would be the one headed for the looney bin. Take help if anyone's offering - your family, your husband's family a friend or neighbor and take a few hours for yourself - even if what you really need is just a long nap. You'll be more patient and clear headed if you're better rested.

Secondly, regardless of what it takes, you could all use some counseling during this difficult time of adjustment. I've heard that finding a good therapist is like finding a good husband. You have to kiss a lot of toads, lol. Keep looking, get referrals from a trusted physician or friend and get help for your ss and yourself. It sounds like you're a lot like me and just venting to a forum, writing down thoughts, etc, helps. But, sharing it with a trained professional (once you find the right one) could be priceless.

Be direct - men, and certainly that includes boys, are not mindreaders. Sometimes I expect my husband and my SD to "see" the things I see as far as cleaning up goes. They don't. Be very specific and say, "It would really help me if this became your job." Hopefully he can grow to help you and you can use the help.

Good luck,
Dana

This is my first post and I read most of the post, but not all. I was a widow before I married my 2nd husband. My daughters lost a parent due to death. Grief with children is different than with adults. We had a great resource in our city - Houston - Bo's place. It is a place that helps children grieve and makes it okay to grieve. Sounds like Bio Mom was nothing to miss, but he is missing the mother he hoped for, the mother he always hoped she'd become and now he doesn't have a chance of having her.
you can check bosplace.org and see if there is a place like Bo's place in your community. Other wise, you might try simple things with him. A spiral notebook, where he can write a letter to his mom, when he misses her. let him glue a picture of her to the front of it. A helium balloon with a note to his mom tied on it. Blowing bubbles where you instruct him to think of her when he blows. a trip to the grave or a former home. Light a special candle in her memory. Have/Help him write a memory of time with her.

Just a note, it doesn't sound like BM was a person of respect or honor, but it is her memory that you will try to help him honor.

My understanding is that counselors often are not trained in children's grief issues or step family issues, so some times it is challenging to find one that is helpful.

Grief is scary for adults. Even more so for kids. But unresolved grief can lead to big time depression and more problems as time goes on.

My children's grief ran about a year behind mine. It was a much slower process.

It was hard to help my children grieve and still is. It is more of a challenge to help my 6 year old step daughter grieve for her absent mother. Her mother is absent due to drug use, etc.

You have a great challenge ahead of you. Take a break, make a plan and just do one thing with him. Whatever you and him can handle. Pray like crazy.

I'll second the advice to approach your DH about setting up some regular father/son time. Could they join a city sports league? Weekend fishing trips once a month? Bowling once a week? That would give you a break, give SS something to look forward to each week, and give them alone time to talk about biomom if that's what he (SS) wants.

You don't have to tell DH exactly how you feel (I agree it would likely be hurtful). Just tell him that you're exhausted and need a break. You mentioned that your DH is supportive. Sometimes my DH wants to help, but can't figure out what to do for whatever reason. Usually he's relieved when I offer a suggestion. (Many times I find out that he's not as sympathetic as I thought, but that's good to know, too.)

I know you'll soldier on no matter what because that's what we do. No choice really. It is good that you found this Forum. It is a great place to vent.

I wish you well.

Hello,

I just wanted to say thank you for your support and understanding. It is very helpful to know that I am not alone.

In case you are wondering, my husband spends at least 10 hrs every week working with my SS on his baseball, so I feel like they have the time to bond (they have done this for the past several years). However, I do realize that my husband has been picking at me lately, which drives me crazy, so I told him that I needed him to back off and realize that I am doing the best I can. I also found a support group for greiving children and took my SS there twice, but he said that he didn't want to go back. I told him to tell me if he changes his mind later or if he would rather his dad take him, but I don't want to force him into anything. I gave him the notebook and suggested that he write a letter to his mom to say how he is feeling, but I love idea about writing down a special memory and I will suggest that next. I noticed that by spending just a few minutes with him talking about these things, he seemed to improve dramatically, which is a step in the right direction. The next few days, he seemed much happier and actually wanted to go out in the back and play football with some kids from the neighborhood, etc. I know that my patience has been low, and that he is grieving for the mother he will never have. It really helps me to come to this forum and vent about my frustation. It makes it so much easier to find the strength to accept the challenges in my life. Thanks for reading my post and I'll keep you updated on how things go.

After reading this my thought is you can make him or break him. Which do you want it to be?

Things seemed to have slowly improved for you, that is good. Keep doing what you are doing, its working.

It is tough for you.

I am sure it will work out.

Take care.

Popi