I can't shake my sadness. DH's Mom has passed.

13 years ago

We got the call Wednesday night, Jan. 30, around 7:30. She passed away very rapidly. Earlier that day she was talking but being difficult when DH's brother had to go over and calm her down. Later that evening he got the call that she was gone. We knew it was only a matter of time but this was very sudden. Thought she had months, maybe even a year. Found out only a few months ago that she had Vascular Dementia. She might have died from one massive brain stroke. DH left Thursday morning to go to Chicago and is going to be there for 2 weeks to help the Dad. They had the service this Sunday. She was 84.

No MIL horror stories to tell. We got along fine and I liked her, though I wouldn't say we were close since she was in Chicago and I am in CA. I knew her for a little over 35 years. I remember her saying that I was the best thing that ever happened to her son. That is quite high praise coming from someone's mother. In a lot of ways she will be missed.

I keep trying to keep busy, but feelings of overpowering sadness come over me. I am trying not to give in for my son's sake. Being Autistic he doesn't understand strong emotions. They upset him. But I can't sleep and have trouble caring about what we eat. I never knew it would effect me this way. Like I said before, I never thought of us as that close. I don't know why I am feeling so depressed.

Thanks for listening. Just had to get it off my chest.
Clare

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Comments (15)

compumom
13 years ago
Oh Claire, you have my sympathies. I've been there, my mother-in-law's death profoundly impacted me. We had 5 months warning, she had pancreatic cancer, although until the diagnosis, she was her usual active despite being 90+ yrs old.
In the 3.5 years following I lost my father and then my mother. It's a challenge, but express your sadness to friends who can comfort you, without burdening your son. It's never easy. Feel free to lean on us.
>>
sushipup1
13 years ago
Clare, what terrible news. My deepest sympathies. Please do come here like Compumom says, and grieve, and lean on us. If you'd like to get together, I'm close by.

Hugs,

Helene
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Hi Joanne, I am so sorry about the loss of your mother. I could have written your post a little more than three years ago. My mom had the same symptoms as your mom. She kept complaining about shoulder pain for months and even went for ortho surgery on her shoulder. After that she still didn't get better and her appetite was non-existent. When she was hospitalized for shortness of breath, the ER doctor ran a CT and found a mass in her lung. She was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer and passed away 3 weeks after her diagnosis. I wrote all this to tell you to be careful about your grief. I went thru a very hard time after my mother's death. I think part of the reason was the suddeness of her loss and being caught totally off guard and the guilt that I didn't realize how sick she was. My complicated grief evolved into a severe depression. I too tried to go through daily activities such as work, shopping, etc., but 6 months later I only felt more devestated and sad. I sought the help of a grief couselor who recogized the symptoms were more than just grief.You don't have to wait until you find you can't deal with it to get help. I believe a grief couselor is always helpful to guide you through a severe life trama that can result from losing a loved one. It will always be hard but you do get stronger and the joy will come back to your life. That's hard for you to believe but it will. I will keep you and your boys in my prayers. Hugs, Barbara
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It sounds like you just need to vent and have a place you can do that w/o being judged. I'm happy to listen if you need a friend (vistajpdf@aol.com). I'm also a stepmom to 3 kids in their 20's and I have MANY days when I am very resentful of them and their mother, who has been basically no help in any way. So, I do understand where you're coming from. Like you, I have 3 little boys who need me and since my adult stepdd moved in after Thanksgiving (I housed her brother for years in the late 90's, early 00's), I often feel, "I didn't sign up for THIS!" So, I do feel for you. You know you can't turn your back on this boy and deep down, I hope you don't really want to. Kids can have a drug-abusing, physically abusive prostitute for a mother, whom they will call for in the middle of the night for some strange reason. You and I know it takes more to being a mom than just giving birth, but to kids, even the worst mother is still a mother. You may not have PPD (though women do have 80 times the normal levels of estrogen after delivering a baby), but my guess is that your sleep-deprived w/ a newborn and a preschooler running around. (DMD degree from Univ. of FL, '91, lol) I'm also still in a state of sleep deprivation and my boys are nearly 3, 5, and 7. If I had a depressed adolscent on my hands, I'm thinking I would be the one headed for the looney bin. Take help if anyone's offering - your family, your husband's family a friend or neighbor and take a few hours for yourself - even if what you really need is just a long nap. You'll be more patient and clear headed if you're better rested. Secondly, regardless of what it takes, you could all use some counseling during this difficult time of adjustment. I've heard that finding a good therapist is like finding a good husband. You have to kiss a lot of toads, lol. Keep looking, get referrals from a trusted physician or friend and get help for your ss and yourself. It sounds like you're a lot like me and just venting to a forum, writing down thoughts, etc, helps. But, sharing it with a trained professional (once you find the right one) could be priceless. Be direct - men, and certainly that includes boys, are not mindreaders. Sometimes I expect my husband and my SD to "see" the things I see as far as cleaning up goes. They don't. Be very specific and say, "It would really help me if this became your job." Hopefully he can grow to help you and you can use the help. Good luck, Dana
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I asked her why she doesn't want to see him since she has liked him and she said that she doesn't like him anymore because he told her she would never live with her mom again. We sat her down and explained that he did not tell her that. I was there and heard what he told her and I reiterated what he said, which is that there are set family laws that the court MUST follow and that it's very hard to change custody. What the counselor told her is that her mom CHOSE to move away and that if she didn't ask the court to take her, but left her with her father... then the court is not likely to take her away from her father unless there is a good reason because it would punish her father since he had no say in her mother moving and it would not be fair to him. As long as dad wants her and is taking care of her, there isn't much her mom can do to change custody. And he added that the court instructed her mom to do an evaluation to see if there is a good reason to let her move to her mom's and her mom has CHOSEN not to do it... so, failing in school is not going to be a reason to change her to her mom, it's more reason to keep her at her dad's, where it's stable. I suppose her mom may have been so angry that she insisted SD should not go see the counselor and SD is now saying she doesn't want to go. When we were in the driveway, BM told me that I had NO business being there and I am not to go with her to her counselor. She called me a liar when I said SD asked me to be there and there is no point in even arguing with the woman. She wasn't there and just wanted to fight. She obviously doesn't care enough to come to school conferences or counseling appointments (DH had told her about it so she could be there) but she wants to control what is said or done at them.... or just cause a big ruckus, using them as an excuse. At this point, SD does not have any more appointments with her counselor but she will see him again if she needs it. She likes him and even she knows her 'excuse' was weak and it's her mother speaking. Her mother has no say in the matter unless she wants to take the time and effort to do something about it. I'm a little bit past caring that she is BM and worrying about stepping on HER toes!
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Our family found a different solution. Our children live in the PacNW; usually we go up there to visit them. But a few years ago we had our get-together here. We have a very small home, two bedrooms and baths; the only other place to sleep would be on an air mattress in the living room. Not doing that at my age. So we had the house cleaned spic and span, all polished up, and stocked the fridge (all of them are excellent cooks) and I also made welcome baskets with goodies for each son and wife and our DGS. Assigned the front bedroom to DS1 and DIL and the master suite to DS2 and DIL and DGS, with its adjacent laundry room. For ourselves, DH and I took a comfortable room in a nearby motel, thereby putting the sons and families together in comfort, but no one squashed anywhere. We would come to the house between 9 and 10 a.m.i, and have an all day visit, going here and there, then dinner either at home or out together. Then around 6 - 7 p.m. DH and I returned to the motel for a long relaxed evening of unwinding and having some quiet. It was wonderful! We all agreed that it was one of the best family visits ever! We did this for 5 days and no one got tired of anyone else and there wasn't a single harsh word...We hope to do it again this year. I would allow my sister (if I were lucky enough to have a sister) and niece to be comfortable with their sleeping plans, and would not fret about being together 24/7.
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centralcacyclist
13 years ago
I'm so sorry. I think that when someone isn't as emotionally close as we'd like them to be, losing them is more complicated. We no longer have time to change things and that compounds the loss. Hugs and hugs from here.

I lost my mother a month ago and am still processing it. We were not close.

Eileen
arabellamiller
13 years ago
I'm so sorry for your loss. Yes, I think Eileen is correct. Not only does everyone grieve differently, but every relationship comes with its own set of issues and complications. Sometimes you aren't expecting how deeply someone's passing will impact you, and that can be a shaking experience.

My condolences to you and your family.

AM
momto4kids
13 years ago
Clare, my condolences to you and your family. Deb
caflowerluver
Original Author
13 years ago
Thanks everyone for your kind thoughts and wishes. Maybe it is an accumulation effect of losing several people the last couple of years. I see my own mortality staring me right in the face. I thought I had come to terms with it but maybe not. Clare
mustangs81
13 years ago
Clare, perhaps you nailed it. Also, it's challenging to manage a relationship from that far for so long.

I am experiencing similar situations and feelings of late.
annie1992
13 years ago
Clare, I'm sorry to hear that your MIL passed so suddenly. Part of your sadness may be that your DH is not there with you, you know that each of you are coping alone. Your main support system is in Chicago, and your son cannot provide emotional support.

I lost my father my stepfather and my favorite uncle in a three month period and I know that sometimes it feels like just too much. Do come here and lean on your friends, you know we'll be here.

Annie
tami_ohio
13 years ago
Clare, I am so sorry. Sending you all my sympathy and prayers.

Tami
caflowerluver
Original Author
13 years ago
Thanks again everyone. I am hanging there and trying to keep an upbeat attitude.
Clare
doucanoe
13 years ago
Clare, so very sorry to hear of your loss. It will take time, and I am sure once your husband is back home it will help tremendously.

Hugs,

Linda
caflowerluver
Original Author
13 years ago
Helene - Sorry, didn't mean to ignore your offer. I am not much in a mood to go out right now. Thanks for the offer.

Everyone - thanks again for your kind thoughts.
Clare
sally2_gw
13 years ago
Clare, I missed seeing this earlier. I'm so sorry. Even though you weren't close physically, you had a connection. Emotions are not something we can always predict. Grief can hit unexpectedly. It did so with me when a friend passed away that I wasn't super close to, as in best friends, but we sang in choir together as altos, and I admired her greatly. Her death from cancer hit me much harder than I ever expected. It's natural. It's unfortunate you can't express it openly. I'm sure you miss being there with your DH, too. Hang in there. I'll be thinking of you.

Sally
eileenlaunonen
13 years ago
SO Sad,,,,my husband still cries at the thought of my mother &father I feel your sadness I hope she is safe in the arms of the Lord
caflowerluver
Original Author
13 years ago
Thanks again everyone. DH is due home this Saturday. I will be so glad when he is here and he will be glad to leave all that behind. Tried to help his Dad while there but he doesn't want help. So frustrating. And will be glad to leave that nasty cold snowy Chicago weather behind. It has only been in the 50's here but sunny. So much better than back there.
Clare

I can't shake my sadness. DH's Mom has passed.

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I can't shake my sadness. DH's Mom has passed.

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