Sorry- it was SB that was diagnosed with ODD & possible Bi-Polar

Dear strgglngstpdad,

I feel for you. I just read your post and I can just imagine how you feel. I've had step children in my life for the last 18 years.

Yes, you are probably right in thinking SD wants you and her mom to separate. SD is jealous.She feels you have invaded her life when in fact you haven't. You have been there for her and her mother and yet both don't seem to recognize this, thus making you the bad guy.

From experience, I can tell you that the bio-mom or bio-dad, in my case, has always defended his children (especially his oldest daughter with whom I don't get alone and haven't for the past 18 years). At one point, i did have enough and I did move out!

If i have one suggestion to give you is this ....get out of your SD life. Try not to be the one who has to discipline her (she doesn't listen anyways. Try to do a little less for her. Mother will soon see this and ask what is wrong. And anyways, mother mostly disagrees with your way of correcting SD, so let mother do it all!Explain to her she had to work this with you and not be against you!
It is very difficult loving and doing things for a step child when they are continously ungrateful. In your case, SD is still quite young to fully understand her actions, but mother isn't and mother should do something about SD's attitude. Otherwise, Mother will find herself alone someday!

Believe me you are not alone in this situation.

I tell anyone who gets involved with someone who has children to run away fast, fast, fast from that person. It's hell!

Hey Struggling --

A lot of what you've written could have been written by my DH, since it's an issue we struggle with a bit too. In our case, my son is 15, and is by nature a moody, semi-sullen sort of kid. He was simply born that way. Our son together is like my husband, and was simply born happy and eager to please. Two totally different personalities that require two different parenting approaches.

When older son gets mouthy with me, I simply say (for mild cases) "That didn't come out right -- please try it again." (then WAIT until he does it) or for more extreme cases "No sir! Please try saying that again with an appropriate tone." -- and he complies. He knows that his opinions are welcomed (or at least tolerated), but that his tone of voice must be civil. (He refused to restate politely once, and it cost him his computer monitor for two days. Didn't happen again.)

DH, on the other hand, launches into a lecture. You may know that one?... You certainly know the response it gets, because you described it perfectly. My son Can't Stand the lectures and does do the full eye-roll thing. He's not ignoring it -- he's beyond that and is *actively* tuning it out. But DH, wonderful as he is, simply doesn't get it. So he lectures longer, louder, and with increasing hostility. That tactic doesn't work on that child. I'm guessing it doesn't work on your SD either. So try a different tactic.

And for what it's worth, I think your wife has a point about treating the SKids with respect so you can demand the same in return. In fact, it might be worth phrasing it exactly that same way -- "I'll treat you with respect if you'll do the same for me." -- then do it.

There are times you can talk with a child, and times you can't. I see it in my own kids, and when it does, I don't. "Go to your room, we'll talk about this when you are ready to listen". They may not realize they are ready to listen until a few hours has passed, or the neighbor kids have come by, or dinner is ready, but eventually, they will want out of that room bad enough to pull it together. If not at home, they can go sit on the step, I don't really care.

Your wife can hardly get angry with you if you are saying only that. If she does, then I guess it is just high time she took your seat on that couch and dished out the discussion.

The kids should be treated differently, I treat my oldest far different from my youngest - it's called responsibility, expectation, and being age appropriate.

Best of luck.

Struggling Dad,
You have been given some thoughtful replies. What I would like to point out is that your step daughter acquired some status before you came along. You may be resented simply for that reason. Things aren't the same anymore, and the mom probably doesn't want to be disloyal to the daughter that has been through some sad times with her. It's all part of the territory. Continue to be as thoughtful as you can and be generous with compassion.

Here is something to consider too...when two people are involved in trying to make a point, picture one as being loud and overbearing. Now picture one of the persons listening intently, being calm, and responding in ways that do not intimidate. Which one of the persons would you most likely want to believe. Be that person. If you are inclined to make sarcastic remarks, well that is something that makes people angry. It makes people want to get back. It's just not good at all. I can be ultra sarcastic if I want to; I had some great teachers. But I choose not to be. It's a great feeling of satisfaction knowing that we are in control of ourselves.

Hang in there. You care and just keep showing it. Cheers

Thank you all for your interest and very helpful insight. I have taken much of the advice offered and applied it. We hammered it out last night (tough to do but we made it through). Sweeby & Fleurs - I laid it out just as you explained and I feel a lot better. Thank you. Wife didn't care for it but is allowing it a chance. Sarajk - your advice of sending SD to her room is the only real option I have until SD figures out that she needs to treat others with respect if she wants to get any in return. I look at it as it's a chance for her to "cool down" before the situation explodes and consider why she is there; to assess what put her there.
Brass - you are right. Taking control and being the cool one DOES give a sense of satisfaction (almost FUN in a strange sort of way).
Thank you all again. You have given me courage to look at and approach the situation in a different perspective and given me the courage to stand up for myself. Time will tell if I did the right thing.
Thank you all.

Nothing to add, but my best wishes for a better future. My DH's 2 daughters were grown and living out of state when we married, as were my 2 oldest daughters. I still had a young daughter and son at home. Daughter was a prickly hedgehog with a bad attitude toward him. Half the time they were best buddies, the other half she was a complete beast to him. DS has always had a calm reasonable relationship with DH after the stormy first couple of weeks after we moved in together.

Step children are a challenge. Even in an ideal relationship they will find problems with the SP. Parents must provide a unified front.... NO MATTER WHAT!... If they sense trouble between or dissagreements over disipline you can gaurrantee they will expose it and use it constantly. Your wife needs to back you up.... even if she disagrees with your parenting style, the SD should NEVER see this. She can speak to you about it privately later. Trust me this girl DOES know what she is doing and they are particulary good at it. If your wife allows it she will drive you apart.