Am I the only one who dislikes the non custodial BM?

21 years ago

I have been through the ringer with my SS's BM and her family. I am just so sick of all of their continual abuse, stupid allegations, and childish theatrics. Meanwhile in being the idiots they are she is months behind on her 'minimal' child support payments, and has never once paid a dime toward the Medical child support or carried insurance. BUT most importantly, does not care to see the child when she is supposed to.

Can anyone give me any advice as to how they were able to pull it together and just 'forgive and forget'. Tell me how you were able to just continue on in life and not let the stupid things bother you?!?!? I just don't think that my marriage can take 12 more years of this crap. HELP!!! PLEASE!!!

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (5)

nadastimer
21 years ago
Uh, I don't read at this forum all the time but I can tell you that you're not alone. Many people out there don't like the non-cutodial bio-mom! Really I can't see how you wouldn't really be bothered with what the bio mom does. You see this woman who had a child and won't take care of it. As a Mom, I have a hard time understanding that and I wouldn't be able to like the person who didn't love their child enough to care for them. I guess maybe what you need to do is just not worry so much about it. I'm sure it's hard but it seems that after 12 years this woman is not going to change and there is nothing that you can do. She's not going to become this wonderful, caring person over night. So be there for your SS and hope that he realizes how much you do care.

Have you guys went to say domestic relations or whatever it is called in your state to get the child support to be court ordered? You wouldn't have to worry about it then, they would take care of the hassles of getting the money and it would come out of her pay check before she even saw it. Sounds like something more has to be done if you really want soemthing to happen. But again, don't make it such a big factor in your life if you can. Don't dwell on it all the time and things like or it will make you a miserable person.
ThaiMommy
Original Author
21 years ago
Thanks.. We do have a court order for child support and it was being taken out of her check, BUT she kept quiting jobs (25 to be exact)every time the orders were inforced for support. Now she 'claims' to be working out of her home working for the same 'at home' job as her live-in boyfriend. It is not the money really, it is the principle of the matter, plus we use that money as a savings account for him for college since we never know when we are going to get it. It is a very minimal amount per month. The only part I really worry about is what will the future hold. My SS is only 5 and we have 12 more years to deal with her. How will all of this change his views on life and women in general. Please if any of you have any info please post. I guess I am just a worry wart. I love my SS dearly, he is all we have and I want him to grow to be healthy and happy, and I will take any advice I get and see if it works.
Thanks again!!
Related Discussions
Non Custodial Mom Has Moved Out of State-Help!!
Q
Comments (3)
This may or may not be applicable. Dunno. My wife has a BM that has a, shall we say, hit-and-miss relationship with reality. Not dangerous per se, but she tends to be very selective about her memories, and is only occaisionally reliable in crises -- unless you count being unreliable as a strange form of reliability. My wife is 30 years old. She's known her mom for...well, 30 years. However, she gets suckered into trusting her mom on a semi-regular basis during critical situations, and nearly every time, she's burned all over again. Why? I think that my wife has confused the job description -- "Mommy" -- with the real person, let's call her "Ms. X". "Mommy" is supposed to be able to do the occaisional favor for her grandchildren -- say, be able to pick them up from a bus station on time. "Ms. X" on the other hand, runs out of gas on the freeway after misplacing luggage in the station. (I'm making this up, but you get the drift.) People shouldn't be forced into having to "handle" their parents. However, this is the situation your SS is in. Life has given him a BM that needs to be treated like a bank -- "it sure would be nice if my check was processed in the next 3 days, but I need to plan like they're not only going to take a week and a half, but also like they're going to lose it at least once in the process." He needs to be able to separate his expectations of the job description from the expectations he should have for his specific real mom. And he needs to learn the hard lesson that if people act the way we expect them to act, then any problems we have with that are our own lookout (to the extent that he as a 10 year old has control over his own actions, and his contact with his mom). All of the above are ways to help him understand his situation, and to protect himself from inflicting further probs on himself through selective memory or "maybe this time" kinds of thinking -- I really don't have any useful advice about "how to make him happy". Maybe he *needs* to be unhappy with it, in order to avoid repeating these behaviors with his own family sometime down the line. Maybe he should draw up a real description of the duties of the job "Mommy", and see if he'd hire his BM for that job. If not, see if someone is already doing the job. (Like, say, you.) If there's any lack, maybe you could offer to subcontract. Or see if there's any other available subcontractors.... I'm being facetious, but only a little. Your SS *knows* he can't trust his mom. He should be angry over it, but realize that life sometimes stinks. He needs to figure out how far she has allowed herself to be loved, love her just that much if he cares to, and no more -- or if more, to realize and accept the consequences he's buying in to. And he needs to realize that 'momhood' does not reside only with her. It can also reside with you, or with other folks in his life.
...See More
am I the only one????
Q
Comments (44)
It seems that if you have two parents who are living together and fighting all of the time/not getting along, that is definitely detrimental for everyone involved- if there is eventually a divorce in the equation, and the custodial parent is unable to let go/angry/etc., and there is a new partner for the other parent whom the custodial parent resents, and the custodial parent is basically trying to turn the child against the other parent and the new partner, how on earth can anyone win in a situation like that? I've been on both sides- my ex and I absolutely couldn't get along, and there was constant bickering which the kids saw, and didn't need to see- there was a divorce, with one of my children wanting us to get back together, and that is totally understandable- kids want mom AND dad...together- but what children don't realize, and I've told this to my kids along with my stepdaughter (who is 9, and who lives with her mother- her mother is angry, bitter, and tells the daughter things such as I "stole" him from her, which isn't true--)is that mom and dad will ALWAYS be mom and dad, even if they don't live together- and that sometimes, both mom and dad can be better moms and dads if they DON'T live together- It shouldn't ever be about us as adults, in adult relationships- it should always be about the kids, and in a perfect world, both parents should be united on that front; realizing that it is about making the kids feel safe, feel secure, and realize that they are not losing either parent because of a divorce, when if both parents are together on it, it isn't that way- there are parents who live together where mom or dad has to go away on business a lot of the time, and isn't there that much as it is- the main thing is being involved in your child's life if you aren't the custodial parent- I think that maybe the new partner doesn't always feel that they 'don't want the child around, involved in their new life', although I will admit there are probably quite a few of them who feel that way- so much as it is that when a custodial parent is telling the child not to get along with the new partner, etc. because they themselves can't let go of the relationship, it makes it very hard on the new partner- letting the custodial parent and the child basically 'call the shots' about who sees who, when, and where isn't a good thing, especially if the custodial parent is angry and bitter about the breakup and would like nothing better than to cause problems and see the new relationship fall apart, and to use the child to help bring that about is definitely not right- the custodial parent needs to help the child/children feel secure with their relationship with the other parent, as well as the new partner- and the new partner needs to help the child feel secure as well- It really should be all about the kids.
...See More
Am I the only one who gets post purchase regrets?
Q
Comments (28)
Since I usually hunt things for a long time, I rarely have regrets. But sometimes I'm being impulsive. For example I'm saving for a bed for my daughter(she has where to sleep no worries..she just dreams about full size bed instead of twin). Yesterday they have all sorts of deals, in honor of Mother's day..I see some nightstands and I fall in love. We don't have matching nightstands in our master; we have other things (huge end table and bookshelf ladder lol) that work nicely and look fine, but it's been years that I wanted to get matching nightstands because I think our bedroom, as much as I love it, might use some relief:) So I buy these nightstands..sale and all, but it's not really cheap. And I know-it's not that I chose wrong, they are adorable, and in worst case if my husband hates them or I have an unexpected bill to pay-they're lightweight and the store is 20 min from us, and we can return it. But could I go without them for another year or two or three or..? Yeah I could. So sitting here full of remorse and guilt.. Also they were new. I know old nightstands that I really tend to love are more expensive than these. I even checked our CL once again, to make sure before making the purchase. But still. Who knows, maybe I'd eventually find a bargain. And now I still have to find this full size bed. I can't even tell myself I gave myself a Mother's Day gift..because I already got a HUGE orchid... Thank you for giving me this great opportunity to confess..because I didn't say a word to my unsuspecting husband yet..:)
...See More
Am I the Only One?
Q
Comments (108)
Oh boy here goes. Rude people, me me people. I hate going to the store and people blocking the isles so you have to turn around and completely go back the way you came because no matter how many times you say excuse me they ignore you and wont move. People who cut in front of you or push you out of the way because they are much more important than you are apparently. People now a days seem to have no respect for their fellow humans. It is all about me and what I want and get out of my way no matter how polite you try to be to them. I too prefer to help animals over people. I have tried and tried to help people. I will donate to battered and abused women's shelters or homeless shelters. I will provide clothes and food. But. I have found over and over people just don't want to be helped. You offer them jobs or ways to help themselves and the excuses I have heard as to why they wont/can't work the job offered is beyond belief. They refuse to work at McDonald's for minimum wage, they can't work this or that job because they have a bad back, leg. They want offered cushy desk jobs with high paying salaries because they are too good to take a job less than that even though they haven't went to school. They'd rather beg for help than help themselves and that irritates the you know what out of me. I have people that clearly have a disability, they could qualify for it. I sent them the information offered to help them every step of the way. They won't take the the time even do it. I have a friend who husband drinks a lot. She is the only one working. They struggle month to month, they call me for money. I used to be stupid and give it to them because they have 3 kids. He'd spend it on alcohol. I would send gift cards to people instead of giving them cash, they'd sell them. I have donated my time to homeless shelters, crisis centers and so on and so forth and the same thing. There are more people who would rather live on streets asking for hand outs rather than help themselves. Battered women who kept going back to their abusers. People who have drug issues they blame on things that happened to them when they grew up. I grew up like a lot of these people. I was physically, psychologically and sexually abused growing up. I understand what they are going through. They refuse to listen, they hold that self pity and use it to their advantage. On and On, I just gave up. Animals can't help themselves and most of them are there because people are irresponsible or don't care or are just plain cruel. I would much rather spend my time and my money on something that can't help themselves and are there because of people. And honestly I believe that a lot of those animals would help themselves if they could and they are so much more appreciative of the help that they receive than most of the people I've ever tried to help. I let little things roll off my back. I don't get upset about the shape of a plate or what people choose to wear, though the pj thing does kind of bother me because it really does take literally 2 minutes to throw on regular clothes. The roadside memorials are sad and people grieve in their own way and I too always try to acknowledge them as someone did lose a life and that makes me sad for them and their families. If people want to dress their animals and it makes them happy so be it. I love to see people who truly love their animals, it tells a lot about a person on how they treat other living creatures. I do not like to see non service animals in the stores though. Where I live it is common to see people put their dogs in the grocery cart and wheel them through the grocery store and I do not feel an animal in a food store or really any type of store is sanitary. I see them even at the high end stores at the mall. They put clothes in carts and the animal is laying on them and they decide to put them back because they decided they don't want the items and now someone with allergies could possibly end up trying on that item and have a severe reaction to the hair. I am another who didn't listen to voice messages left on my phone. I am hearing impaired and sometimes it was just difficult to understand or hear them. My service provider offers voicemail to text and that was the greatest thing for me. As someone else mentioned sometimes the messages come out interesting but you can get the gist of the message.
...See More
nadastimer
21 years ago
You can help with his views on life and women by being there and caring for him. Not all kids who have a rough childhood end up like their parents. Many of them learn a lesson or two along the way and improve their life. Your SS may not have his mother but he has his father and you to love him.

If it helps...my BIL was left by his mother at the age of 6. She was a terrible mother that was hooked on drugs and partying and often left him alone as a young child. She decided he was in her way and decided to just leave him and called his father. My FIL and MIL raised him for the rest of his life. He's 22 and turned out fine. He wonders about his mother but it's really because he's hurt. He wants answers as to why she didn't stick around or why she never really had any contact with him. BIL does not want a real relationship with her now because he knows what she did was wrong. He is married and has a child and if anything I believe he's a better person, a better husband and a better father because of what happened to him. He doesn't want to continue the pattern and changed.

About the child support...yes it's great to get it and it's supposed to be paid but not everyone pays it. Its like my SIL said, she's taken care of her son this long on no child support so why fight it now. Her son is 12 and knows the facts and can understand stuff more. He knows who's supported and cared and raised him over the years and that's really what matters. That money means nothing when it comes down to it...So put a little money in his college fund here and there if you can. At least there will be something there and for the rest he can get loans or schloarships and pay them off later. If you did your best, that's all that matters.
mom_of_four
21 years ago
I cannot stand my step kids mother!!!! She has just moved out of state and told them it's their fault she moved. She is $1100 behind in support. When she does talk to the kids she tells them we have brainwashed them. The kids love her but know she is full of it. I have found that not talking about her in front of the kids helps. Telling them the truth about her in a fact of matter way has helped too. If they ask questions..we tell the truth. Without emotion. I have been married for three years and been to court about 10 times. I feel your pain!!! Please don't let the BM get to you!!! It's what she wants!!! I used to blame my husband for all the things she was doing without realizing it. He is not the bad guy and you need to work together!! The BM is nothing to you...Just be the good person you are and be there for your family no matter who is dishing the crap out!! Hope it helped...it takes time...just hang in there and smile....you have the kids and the man!!! You have a family and she is miserable!!!
JoeTypist
21 years ago
Not that this is any help, but...me and my wife have this term we call 'trusting your mother'.

Background: My wife's mom plays a bit fast and loose with reality. She gets an idea (like, say, buying a house), parlays it into a huge all-encompassing scheme, and then (for the sake of argument -- not a real example) blows all her money on a trip to vegas. Or something along those lines.

So if we happen to get pulled into all her shenanigans, believe her, go along with her, trust her, and then get burned in the end -- well, we're guilty of 'trusting her mother'. We *know* what she's like; we just get suckered in because the archetypical 'Mother' wouldn't screw us over either through malice or through sheer cock-ups. Unfortunately we don't deal in archetypes in the real world.

So, anyway 2 things: as far as generic forgive and forget -- you know what this person is like. Your kids know what she's like as well. Make any plans for the kids future *counting on the fact* that their BM won't help in any way, won't be involved in any way. Hopefully (at least my opinion based on your brief blurbs) she *won't* be involved. (In as much as we'd like other people to live out satisfying morality plays we script for them in our heads, the best way to deal with these folks I've found is *not* to deal with them, preferrably from a great distance away.) If she is involved in some constructive manner, then, hey, pleasant surprise. At no point should you depend on her or trust her to carry anything through, however. If you do -- well, you're trusting your mother.

The other thing relates to your statement "their continual abuse, stupid allegations, and childish theatrics". Not sure exactly what you're referring to here, but if they're causing you real problems, costing you real money (beyond caring-for-the-kids money -- I mean lawsuits and such), then talk to a lawyer or a mediator and find out if there's anything you can do about it. Be prepared for the real consequences of this. (Personally, if it's just, as my sainted uncle wound say, 'happy horseshit' I wouldn't mind so much -- I'd sit back and laugh as these folks dug themselves ever deeper into petty ridiculousness. But if it's serious, then treat it as serious and maybe they'll learn to play nice.)

Am I the only one who dislikes the non custodial BM?

Comments (5)

nadastimer

ThaiMommy
Original Author

Related Discussions

nadastimer

mom_of_four

JoeTypist

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

Am I the only one who dislikes the non custodial BM?

Comments (5)

nadastimer

ThaiMommyOriginal Author

Related Discussions

nadastimer

mom_of_four

JoeTypist

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

ThaiMommy
Original Author