To be honest,it doesnt really bother me.Maybe it's because I know THEOTHERSIDE's backround and have been here a while (I had another screen name before this one that I canceled because I left for a few months) If you read all her posts,it may help you see where she is coming from.

KKNY I dont know as well,but she has some good points too here and there.
Maybe I just got used to it,but we all are entitled to our opinions.I kinda like the different views here...helps keep things balanced.And if nothing else,interesting.

I think there should be a warning sign on the front gate. "Beware of the two bitter ex's with pitchforks". They will drive you out of town as soon as they lay eyes on you.

On the other hand, I support freedom of speech so bring it on.

theotherside & kkny will always go to bat for the children.

I "try" to ignore their postings ... sometimes I cannot...

Its easier to be a raving loon here than to take it out on our families. So even if you have to skip their postings and just read the ones you want you are better off.

Taking the high road sucks sometimes the air gets thin and you start to choke.

Thats when you come here and take a deep breath and exhale. As many times as needed.

Think of this place as your "rescue inhaler" :-)

I think that its good to have posters here who are on the other end of the issue. It helps keep the "walk a mile in my shoes" open, and I find myself being less irritate by my husbands ex when I think about how she might be feeling or seeing an issue.

By the same token, a lot of the stepmoms here have some control issues, and they are just angry as hell at the ex wife of the husband, and it shows in their constant irritation and constant willingness to denigrate and do battle with the ex. Vice versa, some of the ex wives feel the same way in reverse

Things like.......calling CPS about a kid throwing up.....or, b*tching a teacher out because the kid's mom signed a note....or..complaining if a stepmother is present at a teacher interview with her husband....none of those are healthy for children. None of those really matter in the big picture of raising healthy happy, confident individuals. All those things do is vent rage and frustration at your ex for the failure of the marriage.

SOme of the things people complain about, on both sides, are so petty that its obvious the real animosity isnt because of anyones parenting, its personal because of the dynamics of divorce. Its a lot harder to critisize if you can imagine yourself in the other persons shoes, and, as someone put it on another posting...you cant expect YOUR rules to be enforced at the other persons home. I would go even beyond that and say that your rules may not even be better rules ( except in your own opinion) Sometimes,... no, OFTEN, its just a difference in parenting style, and everyone always thinks THEIR way is right and the OTHER way is wrong.

Frankly, I strongly disagree with the way my husbands ex and her husband parent. My husband and I are the total opposite. BUt they are HER children as well as my husbands, and I wouldnt tell.......my neighbour for example, how to raise her kid. Why would I ever presume to tell my husbands ex? that would be arrogant and controlling of me, and i think EVERYONE here, bio moms and step moms, need to ask themselves if they are just being angry and controlling

I think that in some ways, we're all raving psychos who get on our high horse from time to time, but there is a line between sharing advice or reasoning and being rude to people because you can.

In every crowd, forum, or website there are going to be people who think their opinion is the only one that should count. Yes it's a royal pain in the rump, but short of completely ignoring them (Yeah, I know, good luck with that since they're ALWAYS on, right?) there really isn't a lot we can do. We all come here for encouragement, not for a list of reasons that we're incompetent.

"theotherside & kkny will always go to bat for the children."

I don't agree they are going to bat for the children. They have another agenda that has to do with what their ex's did to them. It has nothing to do with their children.

and

"calling CPS about a kid throwing up"

that was from my situation and I posted a follow up to explain that there are other issues involved that contributed to the making of that statement.

It's hard to write a follow up or message including ALL the facts without going on for hours of typing. Then a few words that are written, are twisted to fit their position of why everything is the fault of the step parent.

OP: You are not the only one. Some of us are not blessed with compassion, graciousness, or forgiveness. I try to keep this in mind when I read unkind responses. I do agree this frightens off newbies. I only hope they read entire threads of previous posts to understand that sometimes there are others who are willing to soften the cruel blows.

I am one of those "newbies" and almost ran away from this forum because I felt as if I was attacked on here a couple of times. I came to a screaching halt and realized this is exactly what I want...everyone's opinions no matter the tone, source, type, etc. There are times when I'm reading a thread and I get to a particular poster's name, I stop scrolling, brace myself for what 'I think' I'm about to read, and then end up shaking my head, and now even, chuckling. What I try not to do is ignore this because I might miss something meaningful, or even 'hear an earful'. What it certainly provides me with is a well-rounded sense of what various people go through with parenting and relationships of any type.

kkny and tos represent the issue from SK's and BM's points of view. In too many posts BMs are presented as evil witches and SKs as little monsters who only want to ruin their parents' second marriages.
It helps to realize that there is more to the issue...If people are entitled to say that they wish their SK don't exist then BMs have their rights to express their point of view.

"kkny and tos represent the issue from SK's and BM's points of view. In too many posts BMs are presented as evil witches and SKs as little monsters who only want to ruin their parents' second marriages."

I disagree. This is about attacking stepmoms. But I don't think you are a stepmom, Finedreams. It would appear by your more recent posts that you are in the other camp.

And yes June for the most part this forum is about attacking stepmothers.

I have also found Ima's input intelligent and uplifting. Thanks Ima.

I think all of us tend to bring our own personal situations/experiences into every post. I am a full-time stepmom and I don't have a great relationship with my stepdaughters' mother. I admit that my first instinct is to always view stepmoms in a favorable light and the biological mothers in a less favorable light.

TOS and KKNY are biological mothers that have been burned by cheating husbands who have married/shacked up with the "other woman." Since the "other woman" entered their lives, both of their ex-husbands have lost interest in the children involved. I can see why they would view the majority of biological mothers more favorably than stepmothers (okay, so this is an understatement!!). They haven't necessarily had a great experience with their ex-husbands wife/girlfriend.

Its not an excuse but we all do it sometimes. They say we bash biological mothers, we say they bash stepmoms. I know I flinch when I see a post that is about a stepmom hating a stepchild or a stepmom not wanting the stepchild in their "new" life. Just the same way that I flinch when someone posts that all stepmoms should not be involved in their stepchildren's lives.

Ima: excellent point, and you are not the only one. Although it can be annoying here, I've begun to like reading certain "contrary" viewpoints in order to learn more about why/how my incredibly bitter & vindictive BM thinks and operates. The individuals you mentioned definitely seem to have a particular agenda to push, but if you consider the filter(s) through which they think and write, their words can be tremendously instructive to caring SM's [sometimes in ways these writers probably never intended]. Put on your Tolerance hat, and think, "What useful information can I glean from these lines?" --Or, on days when their words are just too abrasive, just skim past them and focus on the posts you do find helpful...as the A.A. people say, "Take what you like, and leave the rest."

It's funny, the first few days here I was in such a fit over TOS and KKNY and the "their way or the highway" they espoused. I was even bringing my husband to the computer to read with me and we would just shake our heads in wonder.

Now, I have learned to take them with a grain of salt. They are set in their ways, they hate all us step moms and lump us all into on big evil mold, but at the end of the day they love their kids and have gone through hell for them, so I respect that. I don't agree with their parenting styles - especially TOS - and the level to which they have involved their kids in their divorce and the aftermath, but those aren't my kids to raise. Like I said in another post - if I close my eyes and try I can almost hear their words coming from *my* bio-mom's mouth, and when I respond it's almost like I'm saying the things to them that I would love to say to her. Here I can stand up and call BS when in real life I have to grin and bear it for the sake of my SD.

I guess I've almost come to kinda like them, in the way you kinda liked the crazy old lady down the road when you were growing up. If nothing else, they give me a good laugh and let me know when I've really gone off the deep end.

You haven't been here long Ima and other newbies, so hold out. Soon you will grow your TOS/KKNY immunity shield.

I guess what makes me cringe is to think of the children that TOS and KKNY may be poisoning with their bitterness. I guess it reminds me of my own mother that I don't think has ever gotten over their marriage ending. It wasn't my dad's affair that ended the marriage, it was hers. However, she spent the last 25 years in bitterness and blaming him for all her problems. So it's their attitude that reminds me of my mom that may touch a nerve with me.

and I stayed with my mom after the divorce because I felt bad for her because she "needed" me and I listened to her complaints about the child support not being enough or the terrible things she said about my step mom, who she never wanted to take the time to get to know. I felt guilty because I actually liked my step mom. I love my mom but I also know what a daughter feels like when her mom is so filled with bitterness... I spent all of my teen years in pain, taking her side because that's what we do as children, we want to take care of and protect our parents and we side with the ones that make themselves out to be the victim. To this day, she is bothered by the fact that I take care for my step mom. Sometimes she makes comments about my step mom still being alive and perhaps, deep down she enjoys that this happened to her and she's even said, she's as good as dead. She has no idea how hurtful that is to me and just like TOS and KKNY, she'll never "GET IT"

As a BM and an EW I can kind of see where they're coming from, considering my ex did essentially the same thing (cheated, lied, shacked up with a bimbo, that kind of thing). However, I just don't see the reason to be bitter. No my ex doesn't have a lot to do with our son, which, you know what, that's great. That's MY baby. That's MY reason to breathe. So what if his dad doesn't see what he's missing out on. I was a single mom for 5 1/2 years, and I struggled, clawed, and worked multiple jobs to keep a roof over his head, food in his mouth, and shoes and clothes on him, BUT if I had to do it all over again, you can bet your butt I'd do it again. I still struggle and claw for things. That's life. That's my CHILD. You don't get bitter when you have the person that means most to you there with you. You embrace it and you nurture it, and you thank GOD that he gave you something so special. That child loves you, needs you, and looks up to you, and no matter what his/her father is, that's still their father and no one has a right to bash them. Not even you. When my son asked where his father was, I told him that daddy couldn't live here. Simple, to the point, and not a lie and not bitter. Sorry, I don't want my son to actually see his dad one day and look at him and say "Mom told me you're an a$$hole and that you weren't man enough to handle your responsibility." Come on ladies. Grow up. You're poisoning your children. Get over the bashing of the SM's. Some of us, if not most of us have been exactly where you have been. Stop hiding behind a computer screen bashing women and men who come here for some support in a tough situation and actually do something productive. Read a book to your kid. Curl up on the sofa with kiddo and watch a movie. Do something your child will remember fondly 20 years down the road instead of the bitterness that consumed you.

"No my ex doesn't have a lot to do with our son, which, you know what, that's great. That's MY baby."

The father is not the only one who is missing out - the child suffers when the father has little or nothing to do with him. It is definitely not great.

I'll agree that they do suffer. But they suffer more if mom's bitter and resentful. Sorry my child is well adjusted and happy. I don't see therapy in his direct future. My fiance is well adjusted and normal too and he was raised by a single mother.

Yes the child does suffer, that's the truth, but no more than they would if dad were there and just didn't pay attention. Probably less in fact because it's a proven fact that single mothers are as involved if not more involved in their children's lives than two parent families.

TOS, you are right, it's NOT great but her point is not that he's better off without a dad, it's that it hurts the child more to hear negative things about their other parent. I didn't see my dad very much after the divorce because I was too concerned for my mom's feelings and didn't want her to be home alone. But my relationship with my dad got better after I became an adult and I now live in the same town as him and see him almost everyday. I see my mom a few times a year (usually at holidays or birthday gatherings) because she's still just a very negative person. I miss my step mom and wish everyday that I could talk to her again, just once. I CAN call my mom but when I do, she's still doing the "poor little me" victim act.

"Yes the child does suffer, that's the truth, but no more than they would if dad were there and just didn't pay attention."

I disagree. Children are almost always better off in an intact family than in a single parent family (barring abuse), even if the father is not as involved as one might hope.

It is not hearing negative things about the NCP that hurts the child - it is the fact that the NCP is DOING negative things, such as not allowing the child to visit or virtually disowning them because the new gf/bf/spouse doesn't want them around.

once again, I agree with part of what you say. The fact that a NCP is doing negative things causes hurt to the child, but when a CP spends the rest of their life trying to get back at the NCP or saying negative things (that the child already knows) about the NCP, how is that helping the child?

let me share an example:
My parents had a successful business in the 70's. My dad decided to expand because business had been so good. He bought a bunch of new equipment. The business was tied to the construction market and in the late 70's, there was a recession. Their customers couldn't pay. My dad couldn't make the payments on the new equipment. They went bankrupt. They lost EVERYTHING. Big house, new car, everything GONE. Within a couple of years, the marriage was over. I was 13 and for the next four years, I heard my mom blame my dad for the bankruptcy and somehow related that to the divorce. It was all HIS fault. I left as soon as I turned 18 and every time my mom attended a gathering, I would hear about how my dad caused them to lose everything. When I was a teenager, it affected how I felt about my dad to hear mom saying that. As an adult, it has now affected how I feel about my mom.

I was thinking about it today, my mom was 38 years old when they divorced. She could have moved on and maybe met someone else and remarried. Instead, she is still alone and hasn't gotten over it. A couple of years ago she asked if I thought he'd take her back. It just saddens me because I'm 38 and I can't imagine spending the next 25 years living in regret.

You may find something in every message you read to try and make your point that step parents are evil or whatever you are trying to convey and that's your opinion. You can make it about your child but they grow up and become adults and then how will it fit your agenda?

I cab only assume that you and kkny or any other 1st wife/BM on here making your case against the evil step mom, never is going to get married again. I've seen insults tossed at SM's for being on a 3rd marriage, etc. I am not advocating for multiple marriages, but when one doesn't work out, are you supposed to live the rest of your life alone? If that's what you want, fine. But, that doesn't mean that everyone feels that way. If a parent chooses to not be alone, then there IS going to be a step parent, whether you like it or not. It's never good when a parent chooses the new relationship over their children (in situations where they don't visit the child because of the new relationship) but when the new relationship includes the children, it's one more adult that can love the child. I don't understand a loving parent, denying their child that. It just seems so selfish.

"it's a proven fact that single mothers are as involved if not more involved in their children's lives than two parent families. "

Proven by whom? Because most of the kids in my neighborhood who have single moms come to my house where we are a family because they CRAVE that family atmosphere.
One girl (it was so sad) actually called us the perfect family and hangs around my husband while he works on his car because she misses her dad so much and just likes spending time with someone else's dad.
Half of these kids run the neighborhood with no supervision at all and seem desperate for attention.They will sit on my porch and tell me their life stories.

Now I have no doubt there are many GREAT single moms.But dont make the false statement it is BETTER then a family.Of course it isnt,any child would LOVE to have both parents together.

I think I do my best as a single mom, but of course there is a difference. When Dad is living with child, and parents can see issues togethor, things go smooter. I think it is only natural for children to want their parents back togethor. I tell my DD that it wont happen. But I dont think its fair to blame the mom when the child resents the divorce or dad not being there. I think the fact that whne dad doesnt live in the house cuts donw on interactin. And I think my DD is reasonably well adjusted -- gets good grade, active in sports, has friends, etc. But I think she would be better off with her dad living here.

imammomy,

I think the bankruptcy is probably related to the divorce - any major negative life event like that can precipitate depression in someone prone to that illness, and the vast majority of midlife affairs are related to depression. Did your father have an affair? Was your stepmother his affair partner?

I do believe that it is better for the children for their parents to remain single, at least until they are grown. There are rare cases where the NCP is completely out of the picture, and the new spouse loves the children enough to adopt them, where this may not be the case.

Of course I am not planning on remarrying, even after my kids are grown (remarrying in my sixties? I don't think so) and after reading this board for the last few months, even if I had been I would have changed my mind.

okay, I know that I have said this once before but I will say it again.... the problem is not the step parent the problem is the parent that would allow anyone into their childs life that did not cherish love and promote a relationship between child parent and step parent. Although the step parent may infact be the evil step... they are still not the ones to blame in my opinion. The one to blame is the parent that would allow someone to turn them away from their own children or not treat their child with anything but love and devotion. I would never have allowed my DH into my life and heart unless he loved and cherished my daughter as much as I did. I could never even fathom putting my child through that. I am, for one, a big advocate of remarriage. But only if you are entering into a marriage for the right reasons with the right person. Someone who does love both you and your children and can deal with everything that comes along with a blended family. I think it is a disservice to not only yourself but to your children to cut off all attempts or thoughts of finding someone else and be happy. I think one of the best things you can do for your children is set a positive example of what a good and loving relationship is. Obviously, the first marriage wasnt that .. Do you really want that to be the only example of how a relationship works in your childs life? That is not to say that you should run out and get married just because ... but I think that it can be a wonderful and amazing thing for your children to see you happy and in a healthy relationship with another human being. Ofcourse, in a perfect world it would be best to have mom and dad living together and happy... But, is it really in the best interests of a child to just stay together for their sake... I know a friend of mines parents got divorced shortly after he graduated high school (he was the youngest) it devastated him. Apparently, they had been unhappy for a long time but stayed together for the kids.. in his opinion his life was one big lie and he hated his parents for a long time because of that. And, in the instances where things are just terrible between husband and wife when there is fighting everyday... or if not every day but you realize that there have been more days in the month that you have fought then actually got along... is it really good for your children to see that ? to live in that enviroment? I should think not. And, even in the instances where the husband cheats on his wife with another woman ... should you really stay with that man? is that what you want to teach our daughters... to have so little disrespect for yourself to stay with someone like that? When you are out of options in the marriage I think it is your responsibility to yourself and your children to change things for the better and if that means getting a divorce so that they do not have to watch you two bickering yet again or so that you can find a happiness that you need to be a better person then that is what should happen.

I'm not saying that kids don't crave the family interaction. All kids do. All people do. But where mothers show love and care to all in her family, a single mom has only her children to worry about. Not saying they don't need a dad or even want a dad, but single mothers generally have more time for their children outside of work.

"Single mothers generally have more time for their children outside of work"

I dont agree with that, and even if I did, I suspect that single mothers have to work more hours than if they were married. Anyway this weekend, I had to wrap up the outdoor furniture and the outdoor a/c units, pay bills, fix a lamp, etc. All home repair, car maintence, etc are on me. Every situation is different.

"I think the bankruptcy is probably related to the divorce - any major negative life event like that can precipitate depression in someone prone to that illness, and the vast majority of midlife affairs are related to depression. Did your father have an affair? Was your stepmother his affair partner?"

theotherside,

I'm sure the bankruptcy contributed to depression.... My mom's. My mom had an affair (feeling she was justified because my dad caused the bankruptcy and their fall from living the high life) My dad might have made poor or wrong decisions in his business but she was also his partner. I don't think it's ever only one sided. Nobody is the perfect wife or husband and it's never just one issue leading to a divorce. There may be a major event, like an affair but I don't think that is the ONLY problem in the marriage. An affair is usually a symptom of other problems, not just that the man wants a younger woman.

My dad met my step mom a couple of years after the divorce and there was no reason for her to still be bitter but she is to this day. Well, I don't think she is as bitter today as she is full of regret for her wasted life. As for getting remarried, my grandmother died when my grandfather was in his 70's and he remarried about five or six years later. Age is not a reason to not be happy. If being single the rest of your life makes you happy, that's great for you. Not everybody feels that way and those of us that are married, deserve to have what makes us happy.

I agree with mom of 4 that it's not fair to children when a parent just runs out and gets married or in a relationship because it makes them happy, however, it's unrealistic to expect anyone to love your children as you do. My husband may never love my children. and I wasn't expected to love his daughter. We care about each other's children. Love is something that, if nurtured, grows in time. I would never have chosen to be with someone that did not want my children in my life. I would not allow someone to make me choose them or my children. I expect both, my husband and my children to treat each other with respect.

Sometimes, it's best for children for their parents to be divorced. Divorce doesn't harm children as much as the conflict that the parents engage in after the divorce does. The more conflict and longer duration of it, the more damage to the child. And I am not sure about where that statistic came from about single mother's being more involved, but in my cooperative parenting class, just the opposite was said. I'm not sure it's a proven fact, but the idea is that when a family is intact, fathers are usually less involved because they are working to provide for the family. After divorce, the theory is that if he gets regular visitation, he is actually spending more time specifically with the children.

being married is not necessarilly the only way to be happy. Some people enjoy being on their own, some like to date, some want to live together, whatever everybody chooses. Or sometimes it is whatever happens in life. Many people do not remarry simply because they do not meet the right person.

Unfortunatelly so many marriages end up in divorce and those that stay together do not seem that happy. Just reading on this forum makes me wonder if remarriage is a good idea...Too many people are rather unhappy in blended families. So marriage is not the only solution.

Finedreams, you are so right. My mom was widowed when she was in her 40s. Had 3 children. It was a long time ago (in the 60s), but she said why would she want to get married again. She had children. She could do what she wanted -- work, not work, travel, not travel, have BF after we left for college, etc. She is one of the happiest people I know. To each his own. Or her own.

"I do believe that it is better for the children for their parents to remain single, at least until they are grown"

TOS, I missed this comment. My dad remarried about the time I was out on my own. He was the NCP and it made NO difference. Adult step children have the same feelings as younger ones. My sister, to this day, would like my dad to take my mom back. She's in her 30's and feels that way. I agree, it may make a new marriage a little easier to not have to do weekends or visitation schedules, etc. or having the ex call and tell you what to do all the time, but we are all people and when a parent remarries, the child is going to have a relationship with the step parent if they have a relationship with their parent. The level of that relationship is up to the child and the step parent, not either of the biological parents. They may never go beyond a simple hello but that would be the extent of their relationship. I guess if they choose to never see each other, then that is their chosen relationship.

I was the closest to my step mom, my step sister was closer to my dad than my step brothers. I stay out of my children's relationship to my husband. I expect them to treat each other in a decent manner, but if they love each other or don't, that's not my place to decide. Just as it's not anyone's place to decide how I feel about my step daughter. My husband would not tolerate me to be unkind to her but I'm not forced to love her and she's not forced to love me. and there isn't a bio parent out there that can control how their child feels about a step parent (their ex's spouse).

Ima,

I think the difference is that while a child of any age may resent a stepparent, a child still living at home is dependent on parents, more vulnerable etc. This is why I would never bring someone else into my home. It is one thing to say the level of a relationship is up to the child and the step parent, but where the child needs parenting, that may breed resentment (by either party). IMHO>

i actually agree with you. and here's where you may disagree, it's up to the parent that has the child with them at the time to decide how to parent the child. One parent (mom or dad) cannot control both households, but when one does try (and it's usually the mom, after the dad is with someone new) that's when there is more conflict. It's one thing to discuss valid health & safety concerns about things the child does at the other parent's house, but the ultimate decision is up to each parent when the child is with them. And that also goes for how much they allow their new spouse or even just a SO to provide care/parenting at their house. It's no different than a childcare provider that makes decisions on things like what to eat, rules etc. If his SO goes beyond that and he agrees, how is that any different than him thinking of it first. If he disagrees, then he obviously overrules her anyway. It's the responsibility of my husband to tell me if I'm caring for his daughter appropriately, not his ex's. She makes the decisions when the child is with her. She's left her children alone, with neighbors, friends, etc. and while he doesn't like it, it's her decision to make. I'm sure nobody likes this and we, as parents, want to make sure our children grow up how we choose and the only way to ensure that is to stay together. I'd like to imagine that every person that gets married, does so with the intention of it lasting forever, but things happen and sometimes there's nothing anyone can do about it.

I agreee the parent should take the lead (and when I said either party may resent, I meant step parent or child). I think the difference with control is that usually mom can change a childcare provider if she doesnt like (I think in most intact families, if mom says we has to change, Dad doesnt usually disagree). And SM probably didnt marry Dad to become childcare provider nor did Dad chose SM primarily for those skills. In general. And if Dad travels a lot, it gets more difficult. Most parents dont leave a child with a child care provider for unlimited hours. I do think a lot of conflict comes when Dad wont step up to the plate. I actually have more fear when mom lets a man in the house. Not to stereo type -- but yes feel that way.

KKNY, that's your choice that you wouldn't bring someone else into your home, but at the same time, if there were someone in your life that made a difference, you might just change your mind. Never say never.

As for resentment, do you not think that your child will resent the fact that you're using them as an excuse? I understand being hurt by your ex, but you can't use your children as an excuse to keep everyone at bay. It just doesn't work that way. Don't you think your children would want to see their mother happy? My son does.

My Stepkids are already showing signs that they do not like either parent. Do i get blamed for many things? Yes. I'm biomom's escapegoat. But that is ok. I ignore for the most part and wait. She has slowly dug her pit and is now ready to fall. She is currently on her 5th boyfriend, who turned into common law hubby and is now having problems yet again. Who gets hurt? The kids. who does she take her anger out on? My DH by trying to get money out of him. Its a pattern i've seen now for 5 years.
Well thankGod, he told her, you want money take me to court. But let me tell you this. She better be prepared because i'm fed up of being used as an excuse and having her kids confused. She will open 'pandoras box' if she goes to court. But my DH and i know she will not. She uses threats. But its just sad to see SD suffer.

"I do believe that it is better for the children for their parents to remain single, at least until they are grown"

I can see why some people may think that, but personally, I can't agree.
I'm an SD in my twenties and am on my way to becoming an SM. My perspective may be a little different from some other SKs - my dad was on his own because my mom died when I was a teen, not because of a divorce. My dad didn't really know how to be on his own or how to be the primary parent and it was MUCH harder to see him floundering that it was to see him marry someone else and adjust to new members of my family.

IMO, blended families can be very trying, but it's often better than the children seeing their parent unhappy and struggling.

How old are your SK's? From what you're saying it kind of sounds like the kids are confused and hurting and pushing people away so they don't get hurt more.

It's normal for BM to want to blame us. It's easy and a cheap shot most of the time. Frustrating? Yes. Want to smack her sometimes? Yes.

Keep your chin up Maria. For every action there is a reaction and Karma is a pain. Just be the calm rational one who wipes away the tears. Hold DH's hand and stay strong. It does get better.

Thank you Ceph! Great point!

Slowdown,

My mother was happy without remarrying after being widowed at 43. As I have said before, I think my DD should realize that being happy doesnt depend on a man. Although here I hear moms being blamed if they have boyfriends or if they dont.

"But where mothers show love and care to all in her family, a single mom has only her children to worry about. "

That can be part of the problem though!The mom has no one else to get support from when she is running on fumes.She has no one to to comfort her when she's had a bad day.She has no one to help her when she just cant give anymore.She may inadvertantly snap at the children or ignore them because she has so much to do she is overwhelmed.This is why I do not think it is BETTER to be a single parent.
Example:
I have helped DD with homework which is very trying on my patience and takes a while.
Then I make dinner and by the time it's done my husband is home.
We eat,and I start cleaning up.I'am tired and preoccupied and cant pay attention to DD who wants to tell me what so-and so did today.

Husband,who has had time to eat and relax takes over and listens to what DD has to say.

And this is just a small part of it,because I agree with KKNY that some single mother have to work alot more hours just to be able to support their children with no help.

I resepct single mothers a great deal.I think alot of them have to work harder though and I wouldnt want to be in that place myself.
I enjoy my husband as a second fresh breath of air when I'am run ragged.Sometimes one person simply doesnt have enough time to do it all themselves.

after leaving a relationship that wasn't a marriage, but we had been together 7 years and I had raised his three kids while he advanced in his career, while we were together. I used the excuse of my children as a reason for not dating. I had decided I would not put my kids through that.

He got married to someone else within a year of my leaving & even though his kids lived with him, he allowed them to do whatever they wanted so he could be with his new GF, then wife. (I now realize that if I had stayed, they may have had more structure and boundaries) and I even feel a little guilty for leaving now. His oldest son got his GF pregnant while they were still in HS. He dropped out, is covered in tattoos and lives with his GM now. He's 23. The other one is also covered in tattoos, drinks, does drugs, and I am not sure if he finished HS. He's now 20. And his daughter who is 17, has been partying like a rock star for the past two years, drinking & having sex. My kids are not perfect but my son is in college & working, my daughter is working & in HS. My other son, well he's got a motivation problem and doesn't live with us.

I waited until my kids were in HS to start dating & I don't think it would have been wrong to do it sooner. The truth is that I was afraid and hid behind the excuse that it would not be good for my kids. Besides having someone that makes me happy, being married provides emotional support, financial support, more home structure (as a single parent, I would be tired at the end of the day & we'd end up with fast food a lot of the time. We now have real, sit down dinner every night because I'm not to stressed to cook.)

There is good and bad in everything and being married or being single is NOT going to make anyone happy. You have to be happy within yourself. I love my husband and I enjoy being with him (and it makes me feel happy to share things with him) but I was a happy person before I met him. If you are miserable, then there isn't anyone that can change that but you.

'the otherside and kkny will always go to bat for the children'

Not a problem with one qualifier: Are we talking about actual children or are we talking about adult stepkids? Defending the latter who are old enough to take responsibility for their actions and for how they treat a stepparent is doing more harm than good in my view.

It seems that if you have two parents who are living together and fighting all of the time/not getting along, that is definitely detrimental for everyone involved- if there is eventually a divorce in the equation, and the custodial parent is unable to let go/angry/etc., and there is a new partner for the other parent whom the custodial parent resents, and the custodial parent is basically trying to turn the child against the other parent and the new partner, how on earth can anyone win in a situation like that? I've been on both sides- my ex and I absolutely couldn't get along, and there was constant bickering which the kids saw, and didn't need to see- there was a divorce, with one of my children wanting us to get back together, and that is totally understandable- kids want mom AND dad...together- but what children don't realize, and I've told this to my kids along with my stepdaughter (who is 9, and who lives with her mother- her mother is angry, bitter, and tells the daughter things such as I "stole" him from her, which isn't true--)is that mom and dad will ALWAYS be mom and dad, even if they don't live together- and that sometimes, both mom and dad can be better moms and dads if they DON'T live together-

It shouldn't ever be about us as adults, in adult relationships- it should always be about the kids, and in a perfect world, both parents should be united on that front; realizing that it is about making the kids feel safe, feel secure, and realize that they are not losing either parent because of a divorce, when if both parents are together on it, it isn't that way- there are parents who live together where mom or dad has to go away on business a lot of the time, and isn't there that much as it is- the main thing is being involved in your child's life if you aren't the custodial parent- I think that maybe the new partner doesn't always feel that they 'don't want the child around, involved in their new life', although I will admit there are probably quite a few of them who feel that way- so much as it is that when a custodial parent is telling the child not to get along with the new partner, etc. because they themselves can't let go of the relationship, it makes it very hard on the new partner- letting the custodial parent and the child basically 'call the shots' about who sees who, when, and where isn't a good thing, especially if the custodial parent is angry and bitter about the breakup and would like nothing better than to cause problems and see the new relationship fall apart, and to use the child to help bring that about is definitely not right- the custodial parent needs to help the child/children feel secure with their relationship with the other parent, as well as the new partner- and the new partner needs to help the child feel secure as well-

It really should be all about the kids.