I am 24 years old and my dad married his current wife when I was 12. Your DH's daughters may know both of you do not appreciate them bringing up their mother. Or they may not. Maybe they don't know the extent to which it bothers you. Have you just tried simply stating to them that while you know they love and respect their mother, you'd really not like her to be a topic of discussion in your precense? Just nicely let them know that it's unpleasant for you to hear about her and would they please try to respect that. At 26 and 22 years old they should know how you both feel about their mother. And this request to them should really come from your DH. Do the children respect you in other aspects? Do you have a good relationship with them? I know I would be more inclined to do something my father asked of me then if it was something my step-mother asked. We never had the best relationship though. And I would never think of bringing up my mother in front of either of them.

sminnc, Thanks for the advise. Ok, Maybe they don't know how we feel. I guess that would explain why they would do that. No, the adult kids to not respect me and never have. I have tried to have a good relationship with them but they never excepted my invitations or kindness. It has been hard, however, these two adult kids do not get along with many people. DH's family has a hard time getting along with these kids.

I hope you don't mined me asking? But why don't you have a good relationship with your stepmother? I would appriciate any advise on things a SM can to do help stepchildren like them or respect them.

I think it is great that you don't bring up your mother in front of them that is so very respectful. God bless you.

Sunnygardener,

My relationship with my SM got off to a bad start because she didn't respect my mother. My situation is different than yours in that my mom died. SM moved into the family home amongst mom's things, sleeping in her bed and setting the table with her favorite china when I came to dinner. I was 21 at the time and recently married. If dad and new wife started their NEW life in a new home with new things the transistion would have been less painful.

Your steps probably don't realize the extent of disharmony between the adults. I would leave all discussion about their mother between the kids and dad. IF you speak of their mom only speak kindly...even though you might feel anger toward her.

Also in regards to your question. I think showing love and respect for your husband in front of the steps is important. Seeing your dad truly happy has a way of soothing ill feelings that may crop up.

One last thing...if you have your own kids, make sure to treat all the kids equally. At least in front of each other. Her daughter always came first in all areas regardless...the point has always been made how her daughter was number 1. Which of course she should be to her mother, but when you want to blend a family and build relationships you have to be sensitive to others.

I think trying to see the bigger picture and remember that everbody in the family is hurting on some level. Being patient, kind, understanding and continuing to reach out without expectation of anything in return are probably your best chance for success....unless the family receives counseling, which most don't.

thanks organic maria for the good advise. When I met and then married my DH he was divorced and we started our life in a home we purchased together. We combined our things into one home.

I always treat my DH with love and respect. The kids often see this, but it appears to me they may be uncomfortable with it at times.

I do not have my own kids so DH's kids have always come first in everything. I have never ever spoken poorly or badly of my DH's X. I guess I never speak of her and DH doesn't like talking about her either. Honestly, we rather just forget about her. I wish her happiness and hope she leads a good life.

Thanks again for the advise, it is much appreciated.

I think you are right about maybe them not knowing how much it really bothers you and DH about bringing her up. Maybe DH should sit down with them privately and tell them the specific reasons he would rather them not bring up their mother at all. And ask them to please respect his wishes on that. He probably should not bring up the fact that it bothers you at all. They will probably think it was all your idea. I'm sure they know that it's not fair that your DH has to continue to pay her until she dies.

My sister (2 years younger) and I always did like our step mother. She seemed to make our father happy. They dated for 8 years before they got married. When we were older my father would let us into his life a little more. They waited so long to get married because she did not want to be "stuck with us" if something happened to my mom. After they got married, my step mother changed little by little. She would be extremely jealous when my father would spend alot of time with us or spend money on us. Even though she gets everything and more that she wants. Time, vacations, money. He told us one time, when we were 14 and 16, that in an argument she told him he should just pay child support and that was the extent of his obligations and that there was no need to go above and beyond. We lost all respect for her at that point and it's been downhill ever since.

Although this seems to not be the case with you and your SD's, it is still very possible they are self absorbed and dont realize bringing up their mom in front of you guys is less then tactful.

Hi Ladies -
My MIL used to bring up the X every chance she got when I first came into DH's family - it was her way of trying to push me out. DH had several talks with her about this until she finally realized she was damaging her relationship with DH and he was making himself scarce.

Both of my adult SKs tried this at different times but when they didn't get the reaction from me they wanted, they finally stopped.

Hopefully, your SKs will mature and stop the behavior in time. Hang in there.

Thanks again for the advise. All of you have great advise. I think maybe just letting it be for a couple more years and hopefully if they don't get a reaction it could stop.

After thinking this over and knowing the stepkids as I do, if DH mentions we don't like it I could see them continuing the behavior. In many situations over the years whenever we mentioned or suggested something the SK would do the opposite.

Keep posting I like all the advise I could get. Thanks

Hi sunnygardener,

Sorry it's taken me a while to find this, but I've been hard at work the last couple of days.

I think this problem may be a combination of things:

1) When people are nervous, they tend to talk a lot to fill the silence. I know I was uncomfortable with my stepmother for a long time and would search for things to talk about. Obviously, these kids spend a lot of time with their mother, so she's going to figure in their conversation. Add to that their nervousness and awkwardness about being around you and you have the uncomfortable situation you described.

2) They may be looking for common ground with their dad and the connection with mom is the only way they can find that. There are a lot of memories tied up with parents. When the family dynamic changes, it's difficult to change with it.

Pointing out the comments to your stepkids might just make them feel more uncomfortable and widen the distance between you. When my stepmother first came on the scene, she made a big deal about how she was absolutely OK with us talking about Mom (who was deceased) and that we shouldn't feel the need not to bring her up. Two years later, she threw a fit and said she was "sick of hearing about your saint of a mother." After that, I felt very inhibited about talking to her because I was always editing, in my mind, whatever I said before I said to make sure there was nothing in there remotely connected to my mother.

Now to my advice: This is going to sound a little crude, but you'll get my point. When one of the kids brings up a comment about their mother, why don't you treat it as you would when someone passes gas in a social situation. The polite thing to do is to ignore it. I'd do the same with the comments. Respond quickly and change the subject to something else.

If the kids are bringing up the subject to make you uncomfortable, the lack of response should remove the motivation for doing it. If they are doing it because they are nervous and don't know what else to say, your change of subject will eventually sink in and will give them a gentle cue to change the subject again.

Good luck.

lily thanks for the help. I truely appreciate all the adultsteps on this site giving me excellent, knowledgable, experienced,and caring advise. As I said earlier, we plan on continuing to ignore the the comments about bio mom. Hopefully, without a response it will stop.

When talking with DH about this. He mentioned that when he is alone with the kids (SD 26 years old and SS 22 yeas old) they continue to tell DH they wish DH and bio mom could be friends.

DH always explains too much has happened it is too hard for him, however, they continue to press the issue with him. He told me it bothers him. I asked him if he wanted to be friends with his X and he said "NO" he did not. But because his kids keep pressing the issue he feels frustrated and sad about it.

These are adult kids and I guess I don't feel a need for us to be friends with the X. We know if the stepkids ever get married or christian grandchildren there will be a need to have civil communication and contact with the X, however, we do not see a need for us to have contact with her at this time.

I wish the stepkids would stop pressureing their dad and let it be. If they knew all the things she did to DH they would lighten up on the being a friend issue with bio mom.

DH or I have never talked bad about bio mom to the kids and have never told the kids all the terrible things she has done or did to DH, that still effect us to this day.
We have forgiven her but prefer not to have her in our personal life.

The kids are adults, do not live with us anymore, and can contact their mom on their own if they need anything from her. We know if and when they ever marry or have children there will be a need for civil contact with bio mom. My question is: At the present time, does anyone see a reason why we should have contact with bio mom?

I think the answer is "no" but it totally depends upon whether your DH feels a desire to attempt communication with his X. These children are "adults" now and there really is no need for the exes to communicate regarding them b/c the children should be able to communicate on their own behalf.

Sometimes when a divorce happens and the adults split without communicating much about their prior problems, one of them will become stuck emotionally and no amount of communication from the X will help this person heal. It kind of becomes "every man for himself" in the healing department.

When one of them remarries (or both), I doubt it is very common for the previous-marrieds to discuss their past relationship and adult children unless the divorce was amicable - although there may be women here who will disagree with me and may have experience in this situation. If so, hopefully they will share it.

I think that adults are usually able to move on from the past so that when they encounter one another at the aforementioned family gatherings, they will be able to conduct themselves with civility. Hopefully, this will happen in your situation. I know I'm praying for this in mine :)