How involved is your husband in the day to day raising of his two younger children. If he allows there to be two sets of rules and two different standards for his children, then he is more of a problem than your stepson.

Kids love to report to their other parent when they feel they are being treated unfair or they think they can get some sympathy or benefit from it. Of course they aren't going to bring up the problems they have or are causing or their bad behavior. Then nobody would feel sorry for the kid. Btw, my sister was famous for doing this all through grade school.... and my parents were still married. She would tell them how terrible her teacher or so and so at school was to her and see if they would do something about it, when the truth was, she didn't like her teacher or school. It didn't work because the first thing my dad said was 'what did YOU do?'. But, in divorce situations, sometimes the parents are angry at each other so the kids can use that in their favor and instead of mom asking the kid, what did you do, she accepts what the kid is saying at face value because it feeds her image of the other parent being a jerk or the step mom doesn't like her kid. Kids are manipulative by nature and they want to get things and they find ways to try and get what they want. It's the parent's job to recognize this and teach them that manipulating people is NOT the way to get what you want.

Your husband's inconsistent guilt parenting is the root of many of the other problems... grades and house rules, and he is the one that needs to handle it. Counseling works if the person wants to figure out a solution but forcing a person to go to counseling won't work if they are resentful they have to be there. Counselors are not miracle workers. And a lot of this comes from his mom AND HIS DAD. She has been in and out of his life (inconsistent) and dad has been equally inconsistent. Dad should take a parenting class or get some sort of guidance on how to be consistent with his children and implement it. (all of his children because it's my guess that if there is consistency with your two younger kids, it's from you.. not dad)

It might also help for dad to have some heart to heart talks with his son about his mother's abandonment of him and how he feels about everything. Dad can also ask him if he thinks he might benefit from counseling. One of the things he should be concerned about is how his son views women in general. The most important woman in his life, his mother, left him. Then if you, as his step mother, never bonded with him or built a close relationship with him (and it doesn't sound like you have) and if you treat him like he's there, but he's not a part of your new family so he feels like an outsider, then he is going to feel resentment and that is also going to impact how he views women. He could end up having major trust issues with women.

I kinda feel for this kid that has never known a 'real' family. His parents split up before he was able to form a memory of them together and then his childhood is interrupted to go from mom's to dad when he's 8. Now he's in the midst of his dad's 'intact' family and probably feels like he is an intruder or doesn't quite fit in. His brother and sister have mom and dad together, something he has never known.

I am not trying to be harsh, but maybe you need to look at this from more than just your perspective. You and your husband are the adults and he is a child that hasn't had a choice in any of this. He didn't choose to be born into a bad situation and everything he has had to go through, has been because of decisions his parents made... and he's expected to do what? Did you grow up under the same circumstances as he has? If not, then how can you compare that to this?

Thanks for the feedback ! I should have added that we actually have a close relationship (as close at it can be with a 15 yr old boy :)but we bonded from the first time I met him and I've tried to step in as his mom when his bio mom hasn't. It may not sound like I'm close with him because I'm speaking out of frustration right now. My husband is active in parenting the the other children. I will say that I'm more of the disciplinarian in my household and Dad is more laid back -which happens sometimes. But I agree, his inconsistencies are definitely a huge prob. And I appreciate you enouraging me to look at it from my stepson's viewpoint a little more (that he never really had his parents together and his siblings do). Thanks so much !

I can appreciate the difficulty that you are facing, and I am glad that you found this group.

For the sake of your own children, you need to work this situation out with your husband. Think about your children's life if you separated right now. Your stepson would be even more of an influence on your kids (and unchecked) because you wouldn't be there when it was your husband's turn to have them. That would be worse for your sanity.

You and your husband need to agree on a responsible code of conduct in the house. There have to be consequences for not studying, failing grades, not doing chores, disrespect, etc. You and your husband need to let the 15 year old know what they are and enforce them (ie. no tv, video games, friends over, phone privilages, etc.).

It's not fair for you to be the sole disciplinarian. You should continue to discipline your step-son, but his father needs to step in on a regular basis. The boy needs firmness and consistency from both of you. If your husband does not agree with this, then find a counselor who will tell him.

Unless you get this situation under control, you will continue to suffer for at least three more years. Then you will wonder what your adult step-son will do with his life when he can't get or hold a good job. The answer is - he'll be living with you.

So, please find a good counselor and have a heart to heart talk with your husband. I hope that you can find some peace of mind.

Your husband absolutely needs to be the one to handle the discipline. Like many parents, your husband has not been consistent with his children. (he's probably not consistent with your daughter or the youngest son either.) Your SS is not suffering in anyway when he gets bad grades, etc... I would be tempted to send him to military school or some other boarding school where there would be no video games and late nights.

If he doesn't take responsibility for his own actions, he will continue to live with you well into his 20's and he will not be pleasant about it either.

Talk to your husband and make sure he understands that you are suffering too much with this situation. Your husband probably likes to avoid conflict, which is why he is inconsistent with the children. At this point, you are more accomodating than the son and that's why he concedes to the son.