No, your feelings are normal. It is very difficult to be around a difficult child.

A word of caution: if the child support bothered you now, and you are in the picture in the future, you will NOT be happy when this girl talks daddy into buying her a car and every other thing she wants. Been there, done that. Kids weren't respectful of me or their dad, but suddenly he was very popular when they began driving. It was infuriating, so be careful.

If her behavior doesn't improve, she will be a thorn in your side and your marriage will suffer. You will be resentful and grow bitter.

That being said, I had always wished I had been in the picture from a much earlier age with respect to my skids. They were 12, 14, 16 when we wed. Tough ages even in the best of circumstances. But, I thought had they gotten to know me when they were younger and grown up w/ me, maybe things would have been easier. The DDs were the worst back then, but we now are getting along very well - not w/o a bunch of stumbles, but I can't complain these days. The son was easier at first, but we have problems w/ him now that I will post about.

There are two huge factors to consider: Will your bf back YOU and insist his DD act courteously and show respect? Will he be afraid of his dd? That's an issue many SMs have here - that the DHs are far more willing to disappoint us than the kids whom they fear losing.

Secondly, is the BM rational? Will she poison the DD against you, making it an even more uphill battle?

Weigh these two things very carefully. If you feel you have a fighting chance, get counseling before taking your vows and after. Your BF will need to hear some hard facts about parenting and communicating and it often takes a third party to give him the news.

And, don't count the years - many of us have adult skid issues that you'd think just wouldn't exist. It's a lifelong commitment.

I wish you the best,
Dana

Well, said, Dana

Also, be aware that they are on their best behavior now.
If BF backs you up and insists that SD treat you with respect NOW, that's a hopeful sign.

If BF insists that you tiptoe around SD, and makes excuses for her behavior, then get out while you can, because it's only going to get worse. WAY worse.

Dana and southernsummer both gave you excellent advice and suggestions. Also, did you read the *Hindsight* post? Many SMs have posted their thoughts there.

I don't think you're terrible. I am a teacher and have a 12-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. I don't dislike children either, but I've had the same feelings as you're experiencing towards my SS. Although they've lessened over the past year due to this forum, counseling, and occupying my time with personal interests. That's not to say that I don't get overly worried or consumed by the constant stress when SS and BM are acting up and my DH does absolutely nothing about it. When it happens, I post here and these wonderful women usually set me straight again!

Good luck to you!

Thank you all for your input.. and for letting me know I'm not alone.

BF is actually pretty good about discipline and respect issues.. its the others affiliated with child who are not. I already feel that perhaps bm is "poisoning" child against me. I can just feel it.

"others affiliated with child"

Affiliated ?? Does that include the childs mother??? If you equate all thsoe who are "affiliated with child" as equivlaent with the mom, I think if I were the mom I would want to crucify you. A "soontobestepmom" is not the same as a mom. A SM is not a mom. If you are studying to be a teacher, and you dont understand this, I suggest you study harder. And if you want to listen to all the SMs here, and not any moms, I would suggest you are in for a lot of battles. And you may win, but you may end up with scars.

Run like hell... Just do it. You already resent just about EVERYONE else in the child's life--including the child, and that's just no way to begin a marriage. I see misery in EVERYONE's future here.

to KKNY: just looking for something to criticize aren't you? And your comment that "a SM is not a mom" is infuriating to me to see.....still (shame on me...) because you are still standing by the belief that the woman who pushes the baby out of her birth canal is a "mom" -- all other women involved in raising THAT WOMAN's child due to her neglect, disinterest or incompetence is. . . . "just a SM"

I don't know why I didn't take my own advice and not let you bait me....maybe it has to do with my feeling overwhelmed because my SS's "MOM" does hardly anything....but is going to be oh so cool soon when she hosts an illegal party for her underage kids. But, yup, she's the momma.....

By the way -- your ex is not even remarried, so you can't even add anything to this forum around dealing with a SM as a BM (which would actually be interesting)... so . . . .still not sure why you're here....

Oh please -- the OP sees the BFs child every Sunday -- at most -- and then tries to avoid. And she refers to the Mom as someone who as primary care as affiliated? And it would appear that the OP is not a SM either -- not married yet.

I think we all know the process of birth here. And one can be a mom withouth giving birth -- by adoption.

I'm a mom, too. My daughter is 12. I raised her as a single mother for nearly 11 years. She watched me get violently attacked by my ex's GF, whom he later married. I haven't poisoned my daughter against her dad and SM. It would be plain stupid of me to do so as she spends nearly every weekend with them. Trying to get her to NOT like them or be disrespectful to them while in their custody could be dangerous for DD (SM also violently attacked her own mother shortly before assaulting me).

There are a lot of SMs on this forum who are also BMs. I have no desire to be anyone else's mother. My maternal instincts begin and end with my daughter. Maybe I'm unique in that manner.

You can be a SM without trying to be a full-fledged mother. I know, I've done it almost every day for the past 14 months.

Quoting:
Posted by kkny (My Page) on Thu, Jul 26, 07 at 22:39

"others affiliated with child"
Affiliated ?? Does that include the childs mother??? If you equate all thsoe who are "affiliated with child" as equivlaent with the mom, I think if I were the mom I would want to crucify you. A "soontobestepmom" is not the same as a mom. A SM is not a mom. If you are studying to be a teacher, and you dont understand this, I suggest you study harder. And if you want to listen to all the SMs here, and not any moms, I would suggest you are in for a lot of battles. And you may win, but you may end up with scars.

Beginning my post:
First of all.. I am not speaking about the child's bm when I referred to the persons affiliated with the child. I was speaking of: friends of the family, relatives, daycare workers. I feel that you were just trying to attack me from the beginning.

I want to clarify something, that I feel is being misunderstood. I do NOT resent the child. I resent the child's behavior. Those are 2 different things. There are moments when she makes me smile.

I avoided her this Sunday because of the way she was acting. She threw food, then threw a tantrum when dad disciplined her.

Also.. I would NEVER, as suggested, disrespect HER MOTHER. I am adopted, and have perhaps MORE respect for PARENTS than anyone could ever have. I am hurt and infuriated by the fact that you would presume that I would. Do I have different ideas on parenting than her bm? YES. Would I ever talk bad about, or fight with her mother? No. There is a different set of rules at our house, and she must abide by them when she is here. Just as I presume she has rules at her mothers.

Anyways.. I was looking for support and ideas. Not an attack.

Certain posters will pick things you write about apart like they are feasting on your flesh...

Ok so she is bratty and you see all the other adults in her life catering to her so rather than make yourself _______ over the situation you go away... How long are you going to go away ???

But any way ... kids are very good at knowing whose strings to pull ... what puppet they can master. If I act this way so and so lets me do this. If I act this way so and so doesn't let me do this. They know early on who is the "weaker link" in the chain of command.

When my SC are misbehaving I can just look at people and say "I am not responsible for how they behave, I am not their mother I am just their father's wife. (yeah that won't bring some looks my way).

Thanks for your kind words cawfecup and june. June, he does see a problem with her behavior , and tries his best to mold it in the short time he is allowed to see her.

You're welcome, soon-to-be. I remember very well how I felt when I realized just how difficult this job was going to be and I wasn't dealing with small children!

It is good that he sees she is misbehaving and tries to address it, but one afternoon a week makes that difficult. In re-reading your first post, I see where you state he is caught up in a custody battle. Is he going for custody or just more time with her?

Whichever may be the case, it is essential that he insist she treats you with respect and that he backs that up until it is understood. One of the biggest problems is that husbands often don't do this.

I understand totally how you feel. You are very honest and normal.
When I decided to marry my husband who has two boys from previous marriage, my parents were so upset and totally disagreed with me. Not because he is a foreigner or does not have higher education than me or anything like that, but because he is divorced and has kids. My parents, of course, could see the trouble will happen in my life after that and they simply would love me to choose the less trouble road because they do love me so much, of course. Because I was just after college and young, I would think that "I can handle it!!" But in reality there are many things to handle with a man who has already had a kid(kids). My parents are absolutely correct. I sometimes think, to be honest with you, it would be good if my husband would not have any kids before. Is it possible for you to select a husband-to-be wisely? If you love him so much, you have to expect to take very heavy responsibilities and often troubles too.

Soontobe,

My hat's off to you for asking these questions BEFORE, not after you are in the job of stepmother.

As for the child and her actions, I know bratty kids and it's awfully hard to grit your teeth and like them. But then I always remember what my uncle always said. (He was a father, stepfather and stand-in father to 11 children from various families.) He said, "Sometimes, the kids who are the hardest to love are the ones who need it the most."

Remember, she is 4 years old. Behavior can change, especially with a child that age. They are awfully good at figuring out which way the wind blows. If her good behavior is rewarded and her bad behavior always has consequences, she will quickly learn the best way to achieve the rewards. As you know as a teacher in training, consistency, firmness and love can go a long way in bringing out the best in a child.

Good luck and don't let the negative posters get you down.

Get out now. You are not married. It will only get worse.