family in turmoil!!!!

20 years ago

Here's the deal. SD is staying with her deceased mother's parents for the summer. My Husband is in jail doing time for someone else. He is a manager who was giving an employee a ride home when that person was unknowingly wanted by the law. The state charged him with the felony offense of hindering a fugitive because the guy was in our vehicle which was our property. Now SD wants to finish her Jr. and Sr. High School years with her Grandparents. They are okay people but husband is dealing with the fact that he is a failure in our children's eyes. I am the primary caregiver right now and do not mind if she wants to be somewhere she feels is her comfort zone. Before she lived with us she lived with her mother and grandparents so this is a place where she feels connected with her deceased mom. We have had custody of her for 5 years and she continuely voiced to us that she wanted to live with her grandparents. HELP!!!!

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Comments (4)

chloemichelle
20 years ago
There is some info I would like to know, how old is SD? How long ago did BM pass away?

Regardless, if she wishes to live with her Grandparents, then so be it. I know it is hard, my husband is very conscience of how his kids view him but keeping a child from moving with other family members is a recipe for disaster, so long as the other family members she wishes to live with are decent.

Teens can make your life miserable if they so choose. She can begin to act out in enumerous ways, which then of course would negatively affect your relations with her, as well as your husbands relations with her. Let her move on, your husband cannot rehabilitate his position with her at this point since he is in jail. Make sure he still writes/calls/visits basically keeps in contact with her over the long hall so they can build a better relationship over time. Making her stay so her Dad can rehabilitate himself in her eyes just might make things worse.

Let her move, but stay in close contact, IMO.
greenmomma
Original Author
20 years ago
SD is going to be 17 in November. BM died 2 years ago in February. Grandparents are okay. they drink a little more than I find normal and SD is only grandchild so she gets to do a lot more than we allow here. Example- staying out late, staying over at friends house with boys when parents are not home. The only reason the latter is important is because she informed us of her desire to drink, smoke, do illegal drugs that were brought to this friends home and she manipulated the situation by lying to grandparents but told us the truth after the fact. Grandma allows her to "sip" on new wines she has purchased. I am torn because she needs stability and I feel like she might spiral out of control if she is not mentally mature. BM died of drug overdose. I want what is best for her and she has the opportuniy to attend a really great school there and her grandparents will finacially care for her. I have been used to having two paychecks but under the circumstance I am supporting 4 children all together by myself. My other children are from a previous marriage and my youngest is with my husband now. I receive child support for 2 kids, none for 1, and Social Security for SD but cannot use all for bills. Any help and words of encouragement would be appreciated.
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Thank you again, everyone, for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me. I've gained a lot of perspective from your answers. My mom was here for several days and as it turns out, my in-laws will be coming tomorrow or Saturday for a couple of days, so I've been super-busy. Anyway, I called Mary's mom on Sunday and talked to her a bit and will send along the hand-me-downs back with my in-laws, who live in the same town. (They're the new baby's great-grandparents.) When I called Mary's mom, I made it easy on her by starting off with "I understand that you're going to have a new little addition to your family and I was wondering if you'd like some of M----'s baby things?!" -- so that she didn't have to go into any explanation of the situation. She said yes, they could use clothes and things and that they have plenty of the newborn to 6-month stuff, but not the older stuff. Most of my stuff is for an older baby, anyways, since my son is nearly 3, so it should be a good fit. I bought a card to include for Mary to let her know I'm thinking of her and I'll also include a chatty card for Susie along with a small cash gift. I'll send a congratulations to Mary's folks, too. I know some of the GW replies I've received indicate that Susie doesn't need to receive a gift....but I want to repeat that in my opinion, she's watching Mary be the center of attention and watching the family and everyone else spend money on Mary, so I don't want her to be left behind. The girls' mom said they aren't having any showers for Mary until after the baby is born. As I see it, there aren't too many terrible decisions that a person can make that result in parties and gift-giving for them. When's the last time anyone threw a party for someone who, for example, robbed a store or dropped out of high school or took too many drugs? Mary decided she was old enough to handle sex and its consequences and Mary's parents decided to let it happen. Mary's mom took her to the family doctor early on, but when the doctor began discussing sex, Mary's response was "Oh, GROSS! I'm not going to do THAT!" and her parents took her for her word. This pregnancy couldn't have been too much of surprise. My in-laws received a call one morning many months ago, from Mary's mom. Both the mom and dad were at work, and Mary and Susie were home and Mary's boyfriend was there. Could FIL please go check on them? My FIL went over to the house to chaperon and found Mary in pajamas and she and her boyfriend were laying on the couch. When my DH and I heard that story we looked bug-eyed at each other and we agreed it was not IF she'd become a teen mother, but HOW SOON. At the end of the phone conversation with Mary's mom, she said something like - "Yeah, we were thinking of coming down to see you guys -- maybe we can do it in August or something?" Of course I agreed, but I'm wondering if she really believes the whole family, including a newborn and all of the newborn baby gear will be driving 7 hours or if just Mary's parents will come and let a 16-year-old take sole care of the newborn while the folks are away. I'll leave it at that, and hope and pray that the baby has a bright future and long, happy life.
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One parent cannot MAKE the other parent do anything.... not even take care of their own offspring. It really is sad. My SD9 lives with us and her mom wants to be her best friend but doesn't want her. I can totally relate because my SD's mom also has the "it doesn't work for me" attitude and she takes her kids with her when it's convenient for her or she needs to see them (they listen to HER problems, they give HER moral support, etc.) and when she wants the attention of being a mom, her kids are the props so people see her as a mom. It's never about what the kids want or need. But, that's another issue. In your case, you've been raising her since she was 4 and there's a reason her mom didn't. Her mom doesn't want her now and that's terribly sad for this child/teen, because it's hard enough to be a teenager and what every kid wants is to be loved... unconditionally. It's really unfair to say "now that you're a teenager & acting up, we want to get rid of you.... let your mom deal with you!" when you know her mom doesn't want her. Some of the things you describe are normal teen behavior.. testing the boundaries & ascertaining if they truly are loved unconditionally. Many of us were rebellious teenagers and not all rebellious teens come from a divorced family or step family situation. I believe it can be more complicated with steps involved but it also has to do with how it's perceived and how everyone reacts to it. I'd agree that it's more likely to be taken personally in a step situation where the step parent's children are not yet teens & the step parent has no idea how to deal with teens. In my situation, my kids are grown & I've dealt with three teens and I have concerns about what it will be like with my SD in a few years. Her mom allows her to do all sorts of things that we feel are shaping her to be a nightmare teenager. (ie. lets her dress 'sexy', puts fake tattoos on her belly, teaching her 'sexy' dance moves, puts nasty rap songs on her ipod, lets her watch R rated movies, etc.) and not a day goes by that I don't wish her mom would take more of an interest in raising her and being there for her. At this point, I'd be happy if she'd answer her phone or **gasp** pick up her own phone & call her daughter and if she would stop canceling her weekends... but we can't 'make' her. **sigh** However, it would be the wrong thing to decide to 'throw her back' because she's being difficult. Trust me, I've thought it & I've pondered it on here... 'should I throw in the towel?' but as hard as it is and as frustrating as it can be, giving up on a child is only going to make things worse. I also understand how hard it is when you are raising your kids & you don't want them to pick up on a bad influence but I have three kids and my oldest one did things that I worried would be a bad influence on my two younger ones... but he's my son. It was a good lesson for my two younger ones to learn.. that we don't turn our back on family. Your SD is family.
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chloemichelle
20 years ago
In my state, kids can make up their own mind about where they want to live at 17, the parents have no say. So even if you forced her to live with you there is no saying that when she is of 'age to consent' she won't just up and leave you guys.

I think that it is important to note that neither your or your husband are in control of whether she spirals downward or not, there are too many other factors involved here including a family history of addicts (at least on her BM side). She is almost 17 and at that age all we can do is guide, the teaching part is over. Guiding you can do from a distance if you are vigilant with it. Regardless of whether she is in your home or not, if she wants to do drugs she will find a way. She is not dumb she knows what drugs will do, they killed her BM. I have an teen addict in my house right now so I speak from experience.

You should have no guilt, let her stay with her Grandparents, but stay vigilantly in contact with her. Make sure your husband does too. You have other children to worry about who hopefully have had a more promising background than your SD. Whatever way she turns out, you both were merely a portion of the result, your share that burdon with society, druggie BM, and Grandparents alike. Live clean, stay close, and hope...hope lots. Let her know you will always be there for her but let her go.

If she stays she could end up acting up, doing more drugs, ruining you and your husbands relationship, damaging your other children. But by no means am I saying abandon her, stay close, as close as possible with a safe barrier for your household so that you can maintain a stable environment for the other kids coming up.

It is not an easy choice by any means, good luck to you.
greenmomma
Original Author
20 years ago
thank you so much for your help. I received a letter this afternoon from my husband and he wishes the same as I do. Just for her to be happy. Letting go of the pain she has held deep inside her from the neglect and death of her BM. No problems here staying clean and vigilant I can be. I was once a teenage mother and wish that upon no other teenage female. It puts alot on you and I think that is why I am so worried for her. I don't want her making the same mistakes her BM made nor do I want her to end up on the lifelong trialed path such as I have. You are so gracious and I thank you deeply. May God Bless You!!!!!

family in turmoil!!!!

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chloemichelle

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family in turmoil!!!!

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chloemichelle

greenmommaOriginal Author

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greenmommaOriginal Author

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greenmomma
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