Part of that is just 12 year old boys -- talk about awkward! My own son would barely even speak to ME then! But they do outgrow that age, if 'that age' is what the problem is. If age and stage combined with feelings of awkwardness and shyness (and possibly also confusion and discomfort) is the root of the problem, you could simply sit down with him and say: (keep it short and light)

"I know you probably feel a little uncomfortable with me, and that's only natural - we'll get through it. But it would really mean a lot to me if you would say 'Hi' to me when I walk into the room, and I'll do the same to you. OK?

And of course, if there's anything I'm doing to annoy you or if you're concerned about something, you can always talk to me about it, or to your Dad instead if that's easier for you. OK?"

Then give him a minute to respond, say "Thanks" and leave. Then cross your fingers! ;-)

My SS was 12 also when I met my husband. Looking back on how he acted then, we realize that he was very depressed. His parents just divorced and things were happening all around him and he just didn't feel very secure (and his mother bad mouthed anyone in his Dad's life). He was also socially awkward....didn't talk much, never wanted to do "fun" things, etc. But, once we decided to marry, we made sure to include him in decision making (small ones, but still allowed him to feel that he was a part of our lives and that we did care what he thought). And, it worked....and he came around. It is an odd age, but in addition he may be wondering how his life will be once you officially a mom to him.....and if he is getting crap from his biomom, it could be adding to that uncertainty.

Good luck. My SS is now 17 and VERY well adjusted and confident. We are very proud of him, and at the risk of sounding like we're patting ourselves on the back -- we know it is because of how we helped him come around..... if he had moved in with his mother, I am sure he would have turned out differently!!!

You would be better off dealing with this with your step-son on your own than involving his father. By going to the dad, you are "telling on" the boy and this does not help build the trust you need.

The step son will also learn that you have no power in this relationship, and that he can manipulate you at will. It could also be a way for him to get more attention from his dad, so you don't want to be perceived as starting fights all the time. The boy will win if that is the case. I think that sending the e-mail to his father was a mistake. Perhaps it's not too late to stop the dad from acting on it.

You should tell the boy that it's ok to be quiet, but if something is bothering him he should feel comfortable telling you. You care about his feelings and you want to have a good relationship with him.

You should also tell him that you will be open and honest about your feelings with him. But don't ever unload on him. See if he responds to this.

Unfortunately, the time to most effectively deal with this was at the beginning of your relationship. After 4+ years, it will be hard to begin a new era of open communication.

You should be honest with yourself that you have very strong negative feelings towards the young man. Being his step-mom and living with him full time will only magnify his "faults" X 10 in your eyes. This will jeopardize your relationship with your new husband.

The young man is going to be a teenager soon, and this may only increase his awkwardness. Are you prepared for that?

Perhaps the best thing you can do is to tell your future husband that you need some time to re-think the marriage and what you both want out of it. It's better for everyone to be on the same page before you say, "I do."

"It's been like this for 4+ years!! I'd expect him to warm up to me by now."

Have you warmed to him? Is your indifference caused because he is distance, or is he distant because you are indifferent? You can't be ambivalent toward him and expect him to love you. So ask your self which came first, the chicken or the egg?

At this point, the "chicken of the egg" doesn't really matter -- that won't solve the problem. If there is resentment or unkind feelings on either side, they will trigger their logical counterparts on the other side, and then both parties will feel them. Sure, the issues may have begun when FSS was a hurt little boy, but "He started it!" doesn't excuse the adult's response -- even if it's reasonable.

I still favor the direct "treat each other with courtesy and respect" approach, then once that happens, the wounded feelings will begin to heal and the genuine love and respect can begin to grow again.

My SS18 is very much the same way...quiet, reserved, shy. He doesn't usually say "Hi" when I come in the door, unless I do first. He doesn't share his feelings alot...with anyone. He has some close friends, but really doesn't really like to meet new people, and rarely initiates conversation. He doesn't particularly enjoy his siblings (except my son, his stepbro.) But, I know he loves me. He's the same way with Dad and with Mom. It's just his personality.

My oldest son, now 20 has NEVER been that way. He's a social butterfly, talks to anyone and everyone about anything, regardless of age. He's very loving and affectionate with me, my husband (his stepdad), his sibs, grandparents. He loves trying new things and meeting new people...says "hello" to strangers in the grocery store, etc. It's just his personality.

Have you considered that these attributes may just be who he is? Is he different with Mom or with your STBH? Does he have siblings? How is he with them? Adolescents are "weird", no doubt. He may grow out of this, but he may not? It may just be this is the kind of adult he will be...quiet, reserved, shy.

Take some of the advice here...reach out to him. Play a video game with him, or watch a TV show that he likes to watch with him. Figure out his "currency"...what makes him tick. What does he do all day? Play games, computer, movies, bikeride.

Also, he may need to hear from his mom that it's ok for him to like you. If you have a good relationship with her, maybe you (or dad) can talk about this with her. I think kids often feel that if they like the new step-parent, they are somehow not being true to their "real" mom or dad.

Good luck to you...

A couple follow ups to the comments I got back:

First, I can't undo the message I already sent to my DH. He's read it. It was a Yahoo email, anyway, which can't be cancelled once it sent. SO, lets get off that whole train about "You shouldn't say anything to your husband." That ship has already sailed. DH hasn't said anything to me about it yet.

Second, I am NOT rethinking the marriage. That ship has sailed, too (sorry so many cliches, here). The hall is 50% paid for, my wedding dress is in the closet, the bridal shower invites are literally in the mail, and the ring is on my hand as I type this. To freaking postpone my wedding would be insane.

Thirdly, a lot of comments about boys just being awkward and maybe my SS being naturally shy. Thank you for that. That makes me feel better.

I may have some pent up animosity, yes. What I did not mention is that he has a history of dishonesty, stealing from him BM, attacking his BM (physically and verbally), etc. If you had someone like this in your home for weeks at a time, you may be a little reserved, waiting for him to do something horrible. He has yet to act out around us, but I am scared he will. From the get go I have ALWAYS been the one to initiate conversation with him. Everyday I ask him, "Hey, how are you?" etc.... and for FOUR years he has ignored me or mumbled one word answers. It's mentally taxing. But... yes, maybe this is just his nature.

PS: I am planning a wedding for 120 guests currently, so I am a bit stressed. I'm a laid back person (not a bridezilla by any respects), but it's a LOT to handle. Sorry if I am extra whiny.

"What I did not mention is that he has a history of dishonesty, stealing from him BM, attacking his BM (physically and verbally), etc. If you had someone like this in your home for weeks at a time, you may be a little reserved, waiting for him to do something horrible. He has yet to act out around us, but I am scared he will. "

Gee, uh... Don't you think this might be relevant information that belonged in your original post?

I went through the same crap with my DH's son, and I lived. If you want to talk to someone who's been through it, you can email me at ifiknewthen13@yahoo.com.

"In the email I asked my DH to TALK to his son ASAP, and make it clear that we are getting married this October, no matter what delusions SS may have about me."

That strikes me as a unnecessarily aggressive statement. You have no evidence that the boy has any "delusions" about you, or that he is trying to prevent your getting married, or that he "secretly hates you."

I have seen this numerous times on this board - someone complains that their stepchild is rude, messy, and doesn't do their homework - then, if that does not generate enough sympathy, they state that they had neglected to mention that said stepchild had been arrested five times for attempted murder and had a meth lab in the basement.

One would expect that the major issues would be mentioned in the initial post...

lol TOS I actually noticed the same thing. First people say their SKs are just difficult but when nobody says "poor you", then all of a sudden it turns out that SKs are also involved in something illegal or plain criminal.

I would rather be avoided than berated.

Sometimes its better to leave things out ... because we sometimes get attacked for picking on these poor defenseless children ... even though some of them are in their 20's poor things their parents divorced.

When you have been a SM to a pre-teen or teenager ... who was dragged up to believe the world evolves around them, then come back and tell us how we should conduct ourselves.

A child who has been given everything you can possibly imagine except direction from their parents ... here Johnny I can't spend anytime with you but have this video game to make up for the time. Here Sally I am busy working all weekend here's some pocket money to hang out at the mall with your friends.

Sally and Johnny have done nothing but mope around all day belittle anyone who came near them but they are rewarded with things so the parent does not have to address the real problem their lack of attentiveness because they(the parent) are too busy trying to make the ex miserable they can't figure out their kids just want their attention goo or bad not stuff.
Noone suggested hubby change hours so his 12 yo wouldn't have to stay in the same house with his FESM????

Second, I am NOT rethinking the marriage. That ship has sailed, too (sorry so many cliches, here). The hall is 50% paid for, my wedding dress is in the closet, the bridal shower invites are literally in the mail, and the ring is on my hand as I type this. To freaking postpone my wedding would be insane.

OP - Yes I thought these exact same things too at the time. I was having so many second thoughts and seeing so many red flags - but I diregarded all of them because I was embarrassed So much money was already downpaid, nonrefundable money, and I did not want to face public humiliation by calling off the wedding - so I went ahead...that was 11 years ago

I have a SS that sounds much like yours, he is almost 17 now and I want to tell you that the last several years have been pure misery.

It is NOT TOO LATE if you are having second thoughts. If you haven't already, spend an evening reading thru some of the old posts on here At the very least know what you are getting yourself into and be informed

I wish you the best

As to public humiliation by delaying wedding -- your real friends will support you -- you dont care about the rest. My guess, the hall will allow you, for a small fee, to delay wedding. OTOH, everyone gets cold feet.

I dont see any problem with discussing with FDH. I would be more concerned if you couldnt discuss with FDH. I wouldnt have recommended email, but as you said, that is water over the bridge. Move along. I agree with earlier poster that Dad and Mom should be spending more time with SS -- you should nto be a primary -- particularly at first.

First post, didnt think this was so bad. If FSS has been violent (and OP, are you certain, are or these just allegation?) then that to me is serious. I am not certain what the difference between attacking someone verbally and arguing is. I think it is hard to tell.

Good luck.

I think that cancelling the wedding because future stepkids are raised to be rude and bad mannered, is wrong. It will teach kids that they can manipulate adults by behaving poorly. Oh i was rude to future SM and the whole wedding got canceled because of me. I have a lot of power to run parents lives, let see what else I can do. This is wrong. Unless future stepkids are danegrous, and violent I would not cancel the wedding. But i would most certainly talk to dad that it is his job to teach his kids how to behave around people.

Yeah...maybe there's a "finishing school" of sorts, for boys...oooh, wouldn't that be nice?!

I wasnt suggesting postponement of wedding becuase FSS objected, but rather becuase OP was unhappy with family dynmaics.

I agree with the others that said it sounds like it's just his personality.

If you're really sure about not wanting to have kids yourself and you're not really enjoying having this child/pre-teen around (per your post on the "Click here to 'meet' the posters" thread), then maybe you should re-think marrying this man. It's more embarassing to have a child act-up all the time because he's retaliating against a SM that is indifferent to him than it would be to call off a wedding. If you marry him and never warm up to him, you'll be causing HIM more emotional distress and damage than he could ever cause you.

I'm in no way saying that this weird relationship with him is your fault. Sometimes people don't click. But you're about to marry a full-time dad; not an EOW dad. There is a big difference. And 6 teenage years is a LOOOOOOOOOOOONG time.

Oh, and BTW, ALL boys have hygiene issues (especially pre-teens).

My 10 year old SS is also standoffish and shy and keeps to himself. He does this to everyone and has since he was 4 years old. That is his personality and that is your SS personality. As well my ss does have low self esteem issues and he does blow up at times as well. But he blows up at his mother and father. WHne he does run to his room screaming and crying its usually me who has to calm him down.
I dont think you did anything wrong and asking your husband. It concerns you but i wouldn't let it bother you so much. THis is your SS personality. What i would do though is watch him closely for outbursts and be prepared. Its obvious he has anger issues towards his own mother. Not you or his father.
Is he seeing a councilor after his outburst with his mother?
Are you planning ot have children?
As for him being more quiet...how about asking him for help in wedding plans. I got my Skids involved with suits, picking colors, picking flowers..chekcing on the internet for me. It turned out to be alot of fun and they felt their opinion counted. And it did cause they were part of my wedding and i wanted to know they'ld be happy with styles and colors they were going to wear.
The thank you cards afterwards had all of us. My husband , me , his kids in a photo which i sent to 120 guests.
And my SD speech at the wedding made the entire hall be in tears.
So you know...there are days i'm angry at her but there will always be ups and downs in any relationship.
This will happen with your SS and since you know he's the quiet shy type i wouldn't push him. I didn't push my ss and still dont. You cannto force any relationship and yes the ship has sailed but if he's told your husband to be that he likes you....then dont push anything more. Your husband should just reassure him that he's part of a new family now.