Stepson is antisocial and avoids me. Should DH step in?
principesa
15 years ago
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sweeby
15 years agoRelated Discussions
help with step-son
Comments (13)"I have also been removed from the disciplinary role because every time I put him in his room and he throws a fit I have to explain the whole situation and then she just goes and comforts him and lets him out." He's three,which is always a difficult age as the child discovers the joy of being independant ... but he's already learned that to get his way, all he has to do is scream and thrown a tantrum. She's TRAINING him to be an obnoxious brat! It's just as easy to train him to ask quietly ask for what he wants and to accept that there are some things that he can't do. "When his mother tells him to do something he doesn't want to do he continues to do his own thing as she keeps repeating herself," YOU tell the kid ONCE ... then you physically pick the kid up and remove them from their activity and move them to what you want them to do. If they throw a tantrum at home, you put them in their room and say "you can come out when you are ready to talk and not scream, we do not listen to screamers". You put them in their room EVERY TIME, as long as it takes. "then if I tell him to do what his mother says he screams 'NO' or has a fit. This happens at home, in the store, at friends house - it doesn't matter." Here's an idea for outside the house ... Tell the child before leaving that if he screams and fusses, he will have to come home. Then, when he throes a fit, you leave, IMMEDIATELY and silently. Just pick up the screaming shrieking kicking child and put him in the car and go home. Tell him that he can try again later. "Everything has to be his way or he will throw a fit. Now don't get the impression he always gets his way, sometimes when his mom is completely frustrated or upset she will actually make him obey...but that is not the normal course." Here's a clue for her: SHE'S THE MOTHER, AND IT IS HER JOB TO TRAIN HER CHILD HOW TO ACT! And yes, he will hate her with the pure clear hatred of a 3-year old for a while. He'll get over it....See MoreStep-sons acting up....
Comments (13)First of all, I want to *thank you* all for answering. You wouldn't believe the weight that has been lifted off of my shoulders just by being HEARD by someone looking in from the outside. I realize that I'm new here, and probably shouldn't have jumped into the waters right away with a problem... but, I'm glad that I did. You're a wonderful bunch. :) jenny_alabama:: Definitely take those boys to counseling, but also talk, talk, talk to them on the side. >>I have always let the boys know that they can talk to me about anything, be it good or bad.. that they can call me as easily as they do their dad. I received a phone call from the oldest about the incident we had yesterday with their Mom, he wanted to know what really happened. Of course, I left off some things but basically told him that his mother was being disrespectful to both their Dad and I. LOL.. his words almost verbatim were... yeah, she can be that way sometimes. My husband and I have a rule, there is no badmouthing anyone in our home no matter who it is, we want ALL of the kids to feel comfortable here and we want a home that doesn't feel like a battleground. mmommy::Don't underestimate your children's ability to see the light. >>You're definitely right about that one.. the truth ALWAYS comes out sooner or later, but sometimes when we're in the middle of the battle, we lose site of that fact. Thanks for the reminder. :) sylviatexas::Those behaviors often occur when children are in homes where they witness abuse or when they are being abused, be it mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually. >>That is our worst fears :(. The man has been a friend of my husbands for some time now... more of an acquaintance, really. He has always been nice to my husband and I, but we know what's on the surface isn't necessarily what's inside. We have an appointment tomorrow afternoon with the oldest one's teacher (yes, their Mom knows, she is more than welcome to attend), to discuss issues that he may be having at school. Unfortunately we couldn't get one in to see the youngest's teacher before our appointment with our lawyer on the 22nd. >>You would think that she would want them to get counselling.. she seems to think that they don't need it, that it's OUR home causing all the problems, she says they don't act that way there. Well, if it is.. wouldn't she want to find out for sure?? I'm thinking that you guys are SO right.. if they go.. she looses control. Which is just sad........See Morecan't stand step-son
Comments (15)@ parent of one: i know that smacking his bum was not the best choice but given the cirucumstances it was all i could think of to get it through his head that he'd better not do that again. and he hasn't so i guess it served it's purpose. other than that i think i will just continue to step back and keep my distance if possible. i have already done the parenting courses. i have also been attending the odd lecture when they come up. there is a support group i could attend but DH does not want to go, and he does not want me to take the kids even if there is childcare there and i am hesitant to leave him with all the children for the amount of time it would take to get there and be back because he is lacking in the patience department. he also will not go to any type of parenting group or agree to have anyone come into the home and 'tell him how to raise his kids' as he puts it. i realize that SS is too young to be given up on but don't want to be the one who has to deal with it. i will be nice to him and help him with things if i need to but i'm not goint to volunteer to do it if he doesn't ask me. he is not all bad. he spent about half an hour sitting on me today and hugging my neck while i was watching a movie. that was nice. @mom of 4. dh does not really listen to me. i have tried to show him things i've learned at parenting courses and he always says okay he'll try it but if he does it's once and then that's it. i can't even get him to go to the dentist regularely nevermind a therapist. he has his own issues which is why i was handling everything with SS on my own as well as most of the other kids although he does have alot more patience and understanding for the other 2 younger kids....See More21 year old step-son
Comments (13)Ah Robert, I feel for you. Your wife feels guilty and therefore feels the need to alleviate that guilt through money, or letting him live with you, etc. She is the mother bear to a cub that has grown up and still feels the need to protect him. The challenge with "loaning" money to the kids is that if it isn't repaid, then how can we feel good about loaning more? I'd rather they at least try to pay and then let me forgive the rest of the debt if I choose. A mother always feels that no one will love and protect their child like she will and I'm here to tell you that she'll lie to you if she feels you're not accepting or have empathy of her sons plight (immaturity). Maybe rather than "buck" her in this try to find a place where she'll feel that you are "protecting" him? Whatever you do, do NOT tell her what a lazy SOB he is. And if that's already occurred, figure out a way to "undo" it. Did he finish his education? Does he have a viable way of making a working wage? If you have it in your heart could you possibly tell her that you'll forgive the debts and not bring it up again if she'll work with you in helping him help himself?...See Morejerseystepmom
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