Right off the bat,it would seem as though since she left your husband,since your husband hadnt met anyone yet~that she still saw him as an option if she wanted him.(Or so she thought anyways)
Then you came along,and he became enticing to her again somehow.Hence the flirtation and sexy photo sending.

Your husband did the right thing by ignoring her and blocking her cell.

You said that she wont even hear of counseling.Is it at all possible to do it anyways when you all have them? I dont think both parents are required to get them into counseling.Since you have them so often,it may be possible to get them into counseling.
Of course,the boys will probably tell their mom,but she CANT forbid your husband from seeing them if he is paying child support.
If that is not an option,is there any way of him getting full custody?
These boys both sound like they need counseling. As their father,your husband has every right to see that they get it,whether she likes it or not.
This woman is clearly not playing with a full deck.She is living recklessly having an affair and switching boyfriends and flying by the seat of her pants.
Seems as though things may work out for YOU though because your husband is at least not putting up with her crap.Alot of men on this forum seem to have trouble seperating themselves from their ex-wives,and continue to do as they say.
Stay strong,it may get even harder.You might even want counseling for yourself to help deal with it.

coolmama... you are one smart cookie, thank you. I don't think neither one of us thought of the "option" thing.

We have an appointment with our lawyer on March 22nd to discuss options, it's possible that we we may be able to take them to counseling... but, we are also hoping that if we do, she doesn't take our extra days with the boys away (my husband actually has standard visitation rights). As for the full custody thing, we would both LOVE for that to happen, that will definitely be one of the main topics. Hopefully there is a way we can do it without looking like (to the boys) we are dragging the ex through the mud, she is their mother after all.

Y'know.. I feel better already just getting this off of my chest. :)

There's a book you need to read called "Divorce Poison" -- Do a search on this Forum, and you'll find some discussion about it. It's a fabulous book that addresses how to deal with parents who don't play fair at the expense of the kids.

It's not too hard to see what BioMom is doing -- She wants her hubby back (at least part-way) and she wants sole "Mommy" position in the lives of her kids. Both of which mean she has to push you out of the way. Never mind that it's not right, that it hurts her kids, that she's the one who tossed out her marriage -- she's not thinking about that. She wants what she wants and you're only an obstacle.

You don't want to stoop to her level to "fight back" -- but refusing to counter her attacks isn't working either.

That's what this book is all about -- How to help your family and her kids survive her nasty tactics with your sanity and psychological health intact.

Thank you so much, sweeby. I am doing a search for the book now.

I wonder how often this "reverse homewrecker" scenario happens.....

From the beginning (and as recently as six months ago) my SC, DH, and I have heard my "ex-wife in law" make crazy declarations regarding my "stealing her future" and "living her life". And SHE left him for another man YEARS before I even met my husband, not to mention we've been married for 8 years.....hel-LO!

Anyway, do you wonder if BM is opposed to counseling because some of her underhanded ways may be exposed?

A definite upshot is your husband has the clarity (not to mention love for and loyalty to you :))to see right through her sick little games. A little advice (from experience): when the pressure starts to rise (and it very well may) it will put stress on you, him, and your marriage...BM is counting on it....remember you are dealing with a woman willing to use her children as pawns! Don't let ANYONE (yourselves included)forget that you and DH are on the same team.

Hang in there!

"I wonder how often this "reverse homewrecker" scenario happens....."

Seems like alot judging from this forum,doesnt it? It's like some of these women get a territorial thing going on.My own sister left her husband,got a new boyfriend,but when her ex found a new woman she got all mad about it.She also still would call him everyday and expect him to do stuff for her too.I told her,"You have no reason to be mad he moved on!You arent with him and he doesnt owe you anything.Let him be happy!"
But it's like they still think the man is "theirs".

"coolmama... you are one smart cookie, thank you."

Thank you! I'm sure some may disagree with you though,LOL.

mmommy::: Anyway, do you wonder if BM is opposed to counseling because some of her underhanded ways may be exposed?

That thought had crossed our minds.. especially after the visit from her that we received today. She came out and said that I was trying to run the kids' lives.. and that I should have no say in how they were being raised. I may, or may not have a say in it.. but, I love them and I DO have concern for their well-being. No matter how many times my husband tries to tell her that the counseling was both of our idea, she always makes it fall back on me. I don't really care.. as long as they get it.. hell, she can even chose the counselor if she wants.. on our wallet.
I also think that I deserve some kind of respect in my home.. be it from the kids or adults, so after the fit she threw today, my husband told her that she was not welcome here anymore.. at all. (I adore that man) :)

barbi jo....sounds like you are headed for a roller coaster ride...hang on!! Definitely take those boys to counseling, but also talk, talk, talk to them on the side. Their mother is poisoning their minds and she WILL NOT stop. Pretty sure she knows that if they go to therapy, she could lose control of their lives and yours. Do not put their mother down but on the reverse side - defend yourselves when she does this to you. If something is said from her...tell them straight it is not true and let them know what is true, and that you do not know why their mother is saying these things (in a nice and caring way). If you do not talk with them constantly, therapy will not work. Mothers have a weird powerful spell over their kids...especially boys. It is not right, but it is so true with the vendictive bio moms. Please defend everything you can for yourselves....so these kids will not turn their back on you. Good luck!!

Right on, Jenny, right on.

barbi jo--I have a 17 yo SD and an 18 yo SS.

SD is angry, bitter, and for now we've "lost her" to her mothers' hate and jealously.....it's a 50/50 shot when it comes to her figuring things out.

SS is another story, for a while it seemed like he was buying all of BM's craziness, but HE FIGURED OUT the real deal. We never said negative things about his mother, we just let her show him...and boy has she.

Don't underestimate your children's ability to see the light.

She started seeing a new man at the beginning of this school year?
Approximately Sept 2007?

It's now March, 6 months down the road, & the older boy disregards you (you have no power, you do not count) & looks to his dad as the sole authority/power figure?

& the younger boy has regressed & wants to be a treated like a baby?

Those behaviors often occur when children are in homes where they witness abuse or when they are being abused, be it mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually.

Check out the new man.

Something is very badly wrong here.

First of all, I want to *thank you* all for answering. You wouldn't believe the weight that has been lifted off of my shoulders just by being HEARD by someone looking in from the outside. I realize that I'm new here, and probably shouldn't have jumped into the waters right away with a problem... but, I'm glad that I did. You're a wonderful bunch. :)

jenny_alabama:: Definitely take those boys to counseling, but also talk, talk, talk to them on the side.
>>I have always let the boys know that they can talk to me about anything, be it good or bad.. that they can call me as easily as they do their dad. I received a phone call from the oldest about the incident we had yesterday with their Mom, he wanted to know what really happened. Of course, I left off some things but basically told him that his mother was being disrespectful to both their Dad and I. LOL.. his words almost verbatim were... yeah, she can be that way sometimes. My husband and I have a rule, there is no badmouthing anyone in our home no matter who it is, we want ALL of the kids to feel comfortable here and we want a home that doesn't feel like a battleground.

mmommy::Don't underestimate your children's ability to see the light.
>>You're definitely right about that one.. the truth ALWAYS comes out sooner or later, but sometimes when we're in the middle of the battle, we lose site of that fact. Thanks for the reminder. :)

sylviatexas::Those behaviors often occur when children are in homes where they witness abuse or when they are being abused, be it mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually.
>>That is our worst fears :(. The man has been a friend of my husbands for some time now... more of an acquaintance, really. He has always been nice to my husband and I, but we know what's on the surface isn't necessarily what's inside. We have an appointment tomorrow afternoon with the oldest one's teacher (yes, their Mom knows, she is more than welcome to attend), to discuss issues that he may be having at school. Unfortunately we couldn't get one in to see the youngest's teacher before our appointment with our lawyer on the 22nd.

>>You would think that she would want them to get counselling.. she seems to think that they don't need it, that it's OUR home causing all the problems, she says they don't act that way there. Well, if it is.. wouldn't she want to find out for sure?? I'm thinking that you guys are SO right.. if they go.. she looses control. Which is just sad.....

*~UPDATE~*

The boys are now living with us and are going through counseling. *happy dancing*

The BM handed over custody saying that she couldn't handle being a single mother anymore, I know it had to have been a hard decision for her to make. We just keep reassuring them that their mother loves them and have started a new bedtime ritual.. a goodnight phone call to the BM.

I know the road ahead will be a bumpy one.. but, right now, I'm just feeling extremely blessed. :)

wonderful news!