Not to be flip, but I think you need to stop having her around so much! Kids can learn "different house, different rules", but in your case I don't know how that will be possible since his mom is there letting him run wild. Who exactly "removed you from the disciplinary role"?

Things will only get worse as he grows if something doesn't change. Think long and hard about that.

Where is the father in all of this?

The boy is acting like a spoiled 3 year old. Your fiancee needs to get a handle on the boy before he gets any older and becomes completely unruly. All kids will push their parents to see how far they can go before they will cave in. She is losing and he is winning. She needs to take control of the house instead of letting him be in control. I think you are not hearing anything bad from the father because he is not have these problems because the father is in control not the son. I have found that you don't hear the good things from the othe parent, just the bad. Buy your fiancee the book called "Dare to Discipline" and plead with her to read it before this boy goes to school and you have more problems based on his behavior.

Good luck, I know from experience that it is not easy, in fact sometimes it can be a living hell. You may want to sit down and have a heart to heart with your fiancee and let her know that things have to change or it will destroy your relationship. Many of the posts here can attest to that.

Oh BOY did I misread the original post!! I thought you were the soon to be stepmom! OY!

My new advice: Pre Marital counseling with someone who is well versed in blended families. It can be worked out if all parties are willing.

Sorry for the total mis-read!!

MIStepMom hit it right on the nose. I suspect you know this aleady, though. Children need bounderies. If she's says "no" then gives in, what is this teaching him? I'll tell you. If mom says no, I just have to whine and scream and then I'll get what I want. My step's mom was like this. We didn't have problems at our house, because no meant no. We'll see means no too, if you ask my DSD. LOL!
In fact last weekend she asked me why her brother acted one way at mom's house and another way at our house. The answer? Because he knows that that kind of behavoir will not be accepted here. Good luck.

"I have also been removed from the disciplinary role because every time I put him in his room and he throws a fit I have to explain the whole situation and then she just goes and comforts him and lets him out."

He's three,which is always a difficult age as the child discovers the joy of being independant ... but he's already learned that to get his way, all he has to do is scream and thrown a tantrum. She's TRAINING him to be an obnoxious brat! It's just as easy to train him to ask quietly ask for what he wants and to accept that there are some things that he can't do.

"When his mother tells him to do something he doesn't want to do he continues to do his own thing as she keeps repeating herself,"
YOU tell the kid ONCE ... then you physically pick the kid up and remove them from their activity and move them to what you want them to do.
If they throw a tantrum at home, you put them in their room and say "you can come out when you are ready to talk and not scream, we do not listen to screamers". You put them in their room EVERY TIME, as long as it takes.

"then if I tell him to do what his mother says he screams 'NO' or has a fit. This happens at home, in the store, at friends house - it doesn't matter."

Here's an idea for outside the house ... Tell the child before leaving that if he screams and fusses, he will have to come home. Then, when he throes a fit, you leave, IMMEDIATELY and silently. Just pick up the screaming shrieking kicking child and put him in the car and go home. Tell him that he can try again later.

"Everything has to be his way or he will throw a fit. Now don't get the impression he always gets his way, sometimes when his mom is completely frustrated or upset she will actually make him obey...but that is not the normal course."

Here's a clue for her: SHE'S THE MOTHER, AND IT IS HER JOB TO TRAIN HER CHILD HOW TO ACT! And yes, he will hate her with the pure clear hatred of a 3-year old for a while. He'll get over it.

Hello Midnite! I completely agree with lazygardens. This child is already used to getting his way and he knows what to do to get it. What also worries me is that you say when you correct him and send him to his room, his mother goes to him, comforts him and lets him out. What she's clearly teaching him here is that HE DOESN'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU EITHER! You are in for a very bumpy ride with this child and with your wife if you two don't come to some terms on disciplining him. And he most definitely needs to be disciplined! There are some very good books you can get on discipline in the step-family. I suggest you get one and make a point of reading it where she can see what you're reading. Use the book to open a productive dialogue on the subject. There's a reason for the high failure rate in second marriages -- it's the kids!

Thank you for the replies and thoughts.

To answer a few questions:

1. His father lives about 10 miles away and sees him every other weekend.

2. His mother took me from the disciplinary role. He used to do what I said, now he will do exactly the opposite of anything I say.

Sometimes it seems more then I can take. Last night I got home from work and played a little with the SS while his mother was making dinner. The SS likes to use the dog leashes to pull things around and I let him hook my belt and we played I was a dog for a little while. After we were done I took the leash off...and the SS started getting fussy so I explained that I was tired and we would play more later. He fussed even more. In the end he started crying/screaming his head off and I told him to go to his room until he was done - which just made him cry more. So I tell him he is not in trouble, but that he can not sit out here and scream like that. Then I pick him up and take him in his room. This whole time the mother is asking what was wrong and why was he screaming and why was I putting him in his room. After I explained she said, "he's only 3 years old" and brought him out of his room still crying. She continues to say that he doesn't need to be in his room all the time and I argue that any time he is going to throw a fit he should be in his room.

I keep hoping things get better as they get older but I don't know if I can hold out that long. I am going to go look at some books right now, if that doesn't work maybe try a psychologist. The biggest problem is that the mother doesn't think the SS is acting any different then other 3yr olds - and I don't know.

Thanks for the feedback!

Even a 3 year old needs appropriate discipline -- or they quickly learn how to manipulate people and situations. And it appears that your SS has definitely got your wife manipulated! My daughter is 3 1/2, and we don't hesitate to give her a "time out" in her room when she throws those legendary temper tantrums. It does work. She usually comes out after a short time and says "I'm sorry Mommy" ... They know exactly what they are doing, and your wife needs to get a grip and stop babying this poor boy.

Something else I just thought .. have you had a conversation with your wife about just how serious this is, and how it is affecting you AND your marriage? Sometimes our partners don't realize just how unbearable things are for us. They are so wrapped up in being the "perfect" parent, ignoring bad behavior and trying to be a FRIEND instead of a parent that they can't see the obvious.

She needs to learn how to parent effectively. One of my sisters raised her daughter exactly like this. She is 13 now and nobody can stand her. I feel very sorry for my niece, but I avoid her whenever possible.

Midnit -
"He's only three" also means "he's young enough to be trainable".

Talk to the mom when the kid is at his dads ... explain to her what a monster she is creating, and how the two of you need to be united in discipline and household rules - he has to respect you as the head of the household, not have her undermine your authority. And that the problems with the child and the way she fails to make it behave are slowly poisoning the way you feel about her.

She is setting the child up for future failure. She is NOT helping him learn self-control, she is not teaching him how to delay his impulses, she is not teaching him respect for you and others. When DOES she plan to teach him these things? He won't learn them on his own. And if she expects it to magically happen ... why should he suddenly become polite and agreeable when he already has a system that works.

He IS acting like other three year olds (every three year old will act like this SOME of the time) ... the problem is that SHE is NOT acting like the mother of a three year old should. She is TEACHING him to whine and scream and have tantrums to get what he wants. She is teaching him that you have no authority over him. He's running the asylum. That has to change.

Her lessons will make him VERY unpopular the homes of others. If a child throws a fit like that in my house, I tell the parents to take him home and not bring it back until it knows how to behave in the home of another.

Family counseling might help. Also, spending time with people who have well-behaved 3-year olds might open her eyes. At 3 one of my nephews was a delight to be around 99% of the time. But he had to be taught how to behave, by consistent behavior on the part of his parents.

Hi Midnit..

I came into a situation very similar to yours (becoming a SF to a 2.5yr old girl). Yes, I continue to hear that girls are easier than boys to raise.

In your second posting, you mentioned that you hoped it would get better as SS gets older...HA! Unless Mom learns to discipline, it will only get far worse. Imagine if he still acts like that when he's 16 and has the keys to the car.
If you have seriously been removed from the disciplinary role, as you stated, your relationship is over. You can not be expected to live with this woman/child for the next 15+ years with no say. That's ridiculous.

If you are to marry this woman, and are going to be a father to her child, you MUST be able to assert yourself as a parent and let your fiance know that you expect to have her support in full parenting rights/privledges.

In my situation, my wife & I do have very different parenting styles. I am much more disciplinarian. I am by no means Hitler, but I learned quickly that I do not like to "take sh!*" from a 3 year old. I expect to be respected. My wife understands and supports this (there is a "good cop bad cop" thing with us). She also disciplines our daughter, and we both respect each others decisions.

The worst thing your fiance can do is try to be your SS's friend. The time to be friends is when they are grown up and out of the house. Until then, you can only be a parent.

Talk with your fiance and let her know how you feel. If you are to be a parent in this household, you should expect to be treated like one. If that does not happen, you will only resent the fiance and the child in the years to come. That can lead to ugly things.

Brad

what about some joint "parenting coaching"--find a child psychologist or family therapist, and get some coaching together. Maybe that structured environment will allow you two to communicate more clearly and intimately with each other (having a referee there may make it easier to say 'I'm afraid you'll hurt him' or 'I lose respect for you when you cave in to a 3-y-o').

Maybe you can use the upcoming marriage as the excuse--you want it to work as well as it can, you think you need a little help understanding being a parent, you love the kid and her, and want to be a good as you can be, and you need her help and participation.

Good luck!

Midnite: Children do not get better or easier as they get older, they get WORSE and harder to deal with. If you can't deal with him when he's only 3, imagine what it will be when he's 16! Being a SP is the HARDEST thing I've ever done in my life. Your relationship with your fiance will be manipulated by this child for years to come and will result in bitterness and lack of respect. I have one word of advice for you. RUN!!