Robert,

My SS is now 29 and was 19 when I married his father. The best advice I can give you is to relax about the money your DW is giving your SS. For years, I didn't like that this grown man was mooching in a major way off of both of his parents. They paid his rent and gave him hand-outs while he too was "looking" for work. He is now pushing 30 with two kids, "looking" for work and still taking hand outs.

I'm saying relax, not because what is going on is right or fair, but because it happens a lot. Your DW is probably not going to stop helping him that way even though it's not really help. If that is the only thing you argue about, then you might as well stop. I did and am glad I did since it didn't stop them from enabling that grown man anyway. For a while, I gave SS money and clothes too but I stopped. Now I only buy things for his kids and not too much of that because they are his responsibility.

At 21, he should be able to cover most of his bills himself, unless he is in school, or unless its a big emergency purchase.

I would suggest telling him the "Bank of Dad" is closed until the former loan has been repaid. If your wife wishes to give him money, thats her choice, but it would have to be from her money. You dont have to fight about it, if you approach it as a rational way of moving the kid forward. Your wife should understand, that you are not opposed to a loan fo rhim, if he pays back what he has already promised to pay.

A few sessions of therapy with you and your wife may help her to see she isnt helping her son, by bailing him out every time without expectations.

At this point, I would be very concerned as to what his plans are regarding his pregnant girlfriend and supporting this brand new life. I agree with the above posters...he needs a reality check and mom has to stop enabling this behavior because soon you may be supporting a family of three. I am never opposed to helping any of our children out if they are making an honest effort on their own and providing I can afford to be of assistance. But as I said, they must be making a huge effort to support their own lives as well as any innocent lives they bring into this world.

Ah Robert, I feel for you. Your wife feels guilty and therefore feels the need to alleviate that guilt through money, or letting him live with you, etc. She is the mother bear to a cub that has grown up and still feels the need to protect him.
The challenge with "loaning" money to the kids is that if it isn't repaid, then how can we feel good about loaning more? I'd rather they at least try to pay and then let me forgive the rest of the debt if I choose.
A mother always feels that no one will love and protect their child like she will and I'm here to tell you that she'll lie to you if she feels you're not accepting or have empathy of her sons plight (immaturity). Maybe rather than "buck" her in this try to find a place where she'll feel that you are "protecting" him?
Whatever you do, do NOT tell her what a lazy SOB he is. And if that's already occurred, figure out a way to "undo" it.
Did he finish his education? Does he have a viable way of making a working wage?
If you have it in your heart could you possibly tell her that you'll forgive the debts and not bring it up again if she'll work with you in helping him help himself?

My husband and I have given and lent his daughters quite a bit of money. Right now, his youngest daughter owes us about $3 grand, and his oldest and her husband about $10 grand. They've repaid some of the loans, but we're not exactly holding our breath.

But my SDs don't ask us for money constantly to pay their bills or fritter away. His youngest daughter's current loan was so she could take some additional on-line college courses, and his married daughter's loan was for the downpayment on their house--which they have generously filled up for us with grandbabies! We consider our loans to them as money well spent, and truth is we don't even want or expect it back.

My husband and I also both remember just how much money our parents lent us that we never paid back either. Well, they're in their 70s on fixed incomes, so we're now returning the favor by spoiling the hell out of them, actively competing with our siblings for the privilege. We buy them all kinds of things, take them along on vacations, cruises, and cross country road trips. For them, we actually do pay a number of their monthly bills.

I'd never support someone's irresponsible behavior though.

Your situation sounds all too familiar. Since your wife doesn't work though, you could cut off the funds. She is not asking you for your consent when it comes to money decisions. That's not fair at all.

Why is it when a mom doesnt work outside the home, OK for SF to cut off funds, but when a SM doesnt work outside the home, marriage means sharing all funds???

"She does not work and now I have told her to go to work if she wants to help him anymore."

Here is your answer.Let her work for the money she wants to give him.It is not right for her to think it should be coming out of your pocket,regardless of whether or not you are married.
If she was ordered to pay child support,she could not expect you to pay that for her,right? This is no different.

SS is going to be a dad now and needs to get a job himself.

He has worked before and is supposed to be getting a job after the first of the year, but he has never worked in on place very long and I have already told her that if he can't keep this job that he can go back to his dads or his grandmothers, because I have done enough for him.I will not keep handing out to him and I have told her this. I will not wake up every morning wondering how much money he is goin gto cost me today and I have told her this. I really hope she understands as the last thing I told her that he turns 22 in February and if he is still not offering to pay any money back the next thing goes is his insurance that I have also been paying for. I would say he is up into several thousand dollars since we have been married and I have had enough of him. On a seperate note I really thank the ones that have replied to this forum and I enjoyed reading them. Thanks

Robert,

My husband and his ex wife financially supported by grown SS until he was 24-25. I always felt that some of the money going to pay for this adult was mine. Be that as it may be, DH finally stopped footing bills and at last, BM did too although they both still give him handouts and he is 29. I learned early that it is counterproductive to intefere with that.

Your stepson going to live with his dad may or may not stop your wife from giving him money. My bet is that it won't stop her. This could turn in to a war between you and her over her 21 year old "baby." Let him move to his dad's and maybe compromise with her on the handouts so you know how much is going to him.

"Why is it when a mom doesnt work outside the home, OK for SF to cut off funds, but when a SM doesnt work outside the home, marriage means sharing all funds???"

KKNY, my problem with this situation is that she's doing this behind his back. It doesn't matter if she's the first wife, second wife, or whatever, or that she's a female in the scenario. If one person works and the other does not, how can the non-working person go off and spend money without asking permission from the working person???

I've always been a breadwinner. I would not tolerate my money going towards something like that and, if it was all done behind my back, that would be it for me.

Robert is getting nothing for his money. It's an endless request and it's disrespectful.

I don't understand people supporting grown kids. I don't think it's good for them to think someone owes them a living. If you will pay their bills they don't have much incentive to work and it becomes a way of life for them. I have a GS who thinks my daughter should pay for whatever he needs (or wants) because "she has plenty of money". Now that her DH is retired and she is not working they really do not have a lot of extra money and he still expects it. He's 23 and had every opportunity in the world to get a degree and amount to something but he chose not to, would rather have kids that he has trouble supporting. He owes her several thousand $$ that she will likely never get. When she lets him 'borrow' money he blows it on things that aren't necessary. My DS OTOH has supported himself since he finished high school and has waited until now at 33 to have their first child. He asked for a loan once and paid it back as soon as he could. He & his DW manage their money wisely and don't think they have to have everything right now.

I have told her that if it doesn't stop when he turns 22 that I will one way or the other. I have always supported myself and I will not keep supporting someone that want pay back the money he owes. I will get a divorce if this does not stop and I have told her this as well. It may sound mean, but it hasn't stopped so far and he is almost 22 years old. One way or the other it will.
Thanks for all your feedback. Really