Parents should be for helping, not enabling. You're making it possible for him to dawdle.

At 21 years old with the history you described, I'd give him 30 days regardless of what he's doing or failing to do -- then out of your house. Him; his stuff; everything....no matter what he says. Time to get on with his life. Feeling bad about that? OK, 45 days.

And between now and then, forget the eggshells. Your house = your rules. If he doesn't like it, he can go tomorrow instead of next month. He doesn't get to hold you hostage in your own house while he's diddling around trying to figure things out. Your kid has to shape up sometime. Why not now? Tell him you love him and then boot him out.

I couldnt boot him out,he doesnt sound too bad,at least he works and wants to go to college.There are alot that dont.Why do you think he is so tired?is he out drinking or doing drugs?

"He gets angry and frustrated when we try to talk to him so we don't. Now he's mad because we won't pay for him to go to jr college and too late for financial aid. We don't think he would get up for classes."

He is using emotional blackmail to make you both be quiet so he can live as he likes until one of you get fed up.

I completely agree with what Asolo and your husband say. It is time to stop letting your son make the rules for YOUR house. I think counseling is a good idea. If he is depressed, he can do something about it. If he doesn't want to, then he should move out and get a taste of the real world.

If you think he is using drugs, buy a drug test at the drug store and make him use it.

The longer you wait, the more difficult it will be to make changes. If this were me, I'd lock up any valuables you cherish until this matter is cleared up.

Best of luck to you.

Agree with the others, you are totally enabling him. If he is not in school, he must be out of the house. I'd probably give him a month or two to be out...then literally if he is not out, the stuff goes on the lawn and the locks get changed.

As for school, I would make a deal with him on this...maybe something like if he moves out and gets his stuff together a little, if he were to take some classes at a community college and DO WELL, not just pass them, then maybe I would consider footing the bill for him to go to school again...hey, people to "wise up" after a bad start sometime. Actually, I have worked for the last 15 years for a good friend of mine from college...his freshman year he was a lazy sh*t and got below 2.0 both semesters (at a very good private college). Then he got his act in gear, got 3.5+ the remaining 3 years, got a great job after school and has had his own company for over 20 years. Just because he got off to a bad start at college does not mean all hope is lost, hell my friend/boss has an 8000 sq. ft. home with 7 fireplaces in an exclusive NYC suburb! But he has to get his act in shape soon.....and your enabling his is NOT gonna help him do this...

Supposedly he doesn't make enough $ to pay for an apt after he pays for his car ins and cell phone and food. Of course I have a picture of him living in the streets...Hubbie told him this am to make an appointment to see a counselor and we will pay for it and he can stay since he would be getting help or if the answer is no then he's out...As soon as he shows us an ok from the counselor he thinks he doesn't need then we will talk to him about going to jr college. We think he might be smoking some weed. If he is...then he's out of the house asap right?

Most of the time 21 year old boys are only half baked.

If your DH thinks he needs counseling then there is a lot more to the story, so beyond the previous statement, I have nothing to offer.

21 years old without a pot to *** in; history of loafing and deceiving; no prospects and no serious intentions; missed the financial aid bus because he was too lazy to act on it; antagonistic toward his parents/hosts but still expects them to pick up all his tabs. This is a serious jerk. Somebody needs to pack this kid up against the wall and explain a few things to him.

I suspect he'll continue to play you as long as you allow it. If you sign on for whatever his "college plan" may be, be sure to send the money directly to the school -- NOT to the boy. From what you've described, I'd personally recommend the military.

daisyinga

Thank you so much for your answers and concern...he doesn't feel good about himself and he's not sure what to do about it so he sleeps. I think he is unhappy because he goofed up big time at the university....and sometimes dad won't let him live it down. He's disappointed in himself.

Dad needs to forgive your son and let go of his anger about your son's first year of college. Lots of young people flub their first year of college, skip classes, drink too much, make bad grades. Many people mess up, then go back to school later when they've realized how hard it is to make it as a self-supporting adult without a higher education.

One of my kids messed up some during her high school years. It was very frustrating because she is so talented and intelligent and had so many opportunities and potential. My advice based on what worked best for us is this - your son knows he messed up. There's no need to rehash it or keep throwing it in his face. Keep his past mistakes and tendencies in mind when you decide what to do, but don't keep mentioning it to him. To him, focus on the positive goals you and he both want to achieve and the steps you both need to get there. Decide on the consequences if he messes up and make that clear, but don't rake up the past while you're doing that. Whenever he follows through on doing something good, make sure your response is positive. Don't be all emotional when you're discussing your goals or consequences, be matter of fact and direct. Over and over I told my kids, "Yes, we are in a bad place now, but it doesn't have to stay that way. People can grow and change and make things better."

I see people his age all the time who have a much bigger hole to climb out of than your son - past alcohol/drug abuse, few to no job skills, poor high school grades and needing remedial work before they can do college level material, unstable home life, and some are teenage parents as well. It sounds like your son is academically prepared for college (high ACT score) and it sounds like he has gotten and kept a steady job, so he must go to work on time and perform his duties reasonably well and responsibly. With some support from you and dad, your son may be ready to tackle community college, and he may do quite well there.

If your son is sleeping all the time because he doesn't know what to do about his situation, then he needs hope, encouragement, help planning, and clear and consistently enforced consequences if he doesn't follow through.

A wise elementary school teacher told me when my kids were much, much younger, "When your child makes a mistake, discuss it, enforce the consequences, then let it go. Don't keep bringing it up. Make sure they know that just because they messed up doesn't mean things have to remain that way forever. They have the power to change things." That was some of the best advice I've ever gotten from a teacher.

My kid who messed up in high school is doing wonderfully now. We are so very proud of her. I've messed up plenty of times as a mother, and I'm so glad she forgave me and doesn't constantly remind me. I try to do the same for her.

Good luck with your son. It hurts so much to see them throw their amazing potential away.

I like daisyinga's approach better than mine.

However, I have a very short fuse with grown-ups (I regard 21 as grown up) who refuse to make more effort than has been described. Professed "inability" to even attain consciousness in order to go to work or class is waaay up there on the loser-meter. How can one talk about duties, ambitions, expectations, and goals with someone who won't even wake up? I just hope the boy doesn't use your love to hone his slacker-skills. Seen too much of that in my own extended family.

My first thought was, he was smoking weed,if he is ,I think thats the main problem,it will cause depression,lack of motivation,irritable and moodyness,if he can somehow kick this ,which probably he wont because he is still very immature,then I think you will see a different son.If you find out he is for sure then I would seriously think about booting him out.

"If he is not going to college, I'd require that he pay rent. I think I'd save it up for use helping him later with college expenses."

I agree with both Asolo and Daisyinga, though I'm more of the persuasion of Asolo.

The kid is 21. He is not stupid, he likes living with accommodating adults who will allow him to have all the benefits of living well without any of the responsibility that goes with it. He needs to take a singles' survival class so he can see how the real world works. Let him see how much rent, utilities, insurance, etc cost other folks. Buy him a copy of the book "Nickel and Dimed". That will give him a wake up call like no other....

He is going to have to man up at some point. He needs to know that other people aren't going to enable him. You and your DH can do it kindly. Others won't be so inclined...especially employers.

I'd definitely make him pay rent. That way you can save money for him. Especially if you suspect he's using drugs (pot). If that is the case then he is not serious about his future. I've talked to my nephews (similar age) and their friends say its very expensive. If he can afford to buy pot, he can afford to pay ALL of his bills.

A link that might be useful:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nickel_and_Dimed

I ordered the book "Nickel and Dimed" and my son did try to make an appt today to get some counseling....they have to call him back with the date. so we will see. His younger brother at 19 is seriously thinking of joining the airforce and I'm sure that probably doesn't set well with my 21 yr old pt worker.
Maybe he can't get up cause he does smoke pot after work...
Drug test time???Husband and I are getting serious about this now. Thanks everyone.

Excellent advise from Daisy.

I wish you well texas, I hope it works out well with your son.

If he's smoking a lot of pot, then I agree with tracystoke. That's probably causing a lot of problems, and I'd be afraid he'll have trouble with school.

I'd give him a choice - stop using drugs and submit to drug testing or move out. The carrot I would dangle is clean up your act and be a productive, pleasant member of the household and we'll help you pay for school.

Good luck!

"I ordered the book "Nickel and Dimed" and my son did try to make an appt today to get some counseling...."

Thats great! Please give the book to your son after you read it. It will help him to appreciate how helpful you and your husband have been. It might also be all the impetus he needs to get his life on track (college/trade school) while he is still young and able bodied. Nobody wants to end up working at Walmart making $8.00 an hour, living with three other people in a motel room when they are 45.

Its good that he is willing to get counseling. I think it would be helpful if he got tested to see what type of job/work he has an aptitude for. What type of work does your husband do? If he is self employed, is your son interested in learning the business?The military might not be a bad idea. They teach self discipline like no other employer. I know a single woman who was having a real tough time with her son (similar age). He joined the service and is doing great now. He has a girlfriend but has told his mother that they may not stay together because she has no goals!

Another book worth reading is "The Millionaire next door". It is surprising how wealthy you can become running an average, middle class business. I know a lady who had a pizza restaurant. She and her husband raised 5 children with the income from this business. He passed from a heart attack, but she was able to retire from what they had saved. Here is a bit from the book:

"Who is the prototypical American millionaire? What would he tell you about himself?

* Many of the types of businesses we are in could be classified as dullnormal. We are welding contractors, auctioneers, rice farmers, owners of mobile-home parks, pest controllers, coin and stamp dealers, and paving contractors.

* We live well below our means. We wear inexpensive suits and drive American-made cars. Only a minority of us drive the current-model-year automobile. Only a minority ever lease our motor vehicles."

Interesting to see how people who don't look like they have anything, can actually be rolling in the dough!

A link that might be useful:

www.nytimes.com/books/first/s/stanley-millionaire.html

Well my son decided that he wouldn't go to counseling because he wasn't "crazy". He said he had no desire to work a 40 hr week-what about when you have a family? not doing that he said.Told us we ruined his desire to go to jr college last semester. His brother (19) is seriously thinking of the air force. My 21 yr old is the one who needs the airforce but not interested at all. No motivation but to stay in his pt restaurant job. He lacks self confidence and motivation but told us everything he has tried has bombed.
Said even we didn't think he could do jr college-we didnt think he would get up and go to classes. He hasn't proved much to us so we didn't shell out the $ like we did last time. Guess its time he leaves our house and somehow learns how to get by--on what I don't know. We tried to tell him today he needs to get something new rolling this year and he didn't want to discuss it. I hate the throw out senario but
what else is there?

"He said he had no desire to work a 40 hr week"...

UHMM...good luck with that one, dude!

Seriously, he needs to be out of your house or you will blink and he will be 30 and in the same place in life...whether he will "discuss it" or not is not important since YOU and only you have the legal right to make that decision. I feel bad for you, but he really does need some "tough love" at this point in his life.

Doctors are for "crazy" people. Counselors (including career counselors) are for people who aren't living successfully. Your son qualifies.

I think your son is playing you. Short-term he wins, staying in your house and sleeping his life away. Long-term it's a disaster for him.

Whether he has a "desire" to work a 40-hour week or not, it will be necessary, so he may as well get used to it. Lots of people would rather not work full-time, but they like regular meals and a roof over their head. In fact, there are lots of people out there without any job at all who'd consider it a privilege to work regular hours. He needs to get with the program; as long as he's insulated at home it won't happen.

I know this is very hard but these situations don't spontaneously resolve themselves. He has to go.

You can offer him specific time-sensitive assistance so that you don't feel you're just dumping him out on the street.

1. A medical check-up to rule out any physical cause for his lethargy and sleep issues. A doctor can also diagnose depression.

2. Counseling/therapy. That can be something as pragmatic as career counseling and financial counseling at the local community college.

You may also want to consult someone who can assist you in strategies for dealing with this issue.

3. A finite rent subsidy, say 3 months, so he can get on his feet. If he decides he wants to stick with the current PT job and is willing to live with 5 other people in one room to do that, so be it.

4. Perhaps a dollar-for-dollar deal for college tuition. For every dollar HE invests, you'll match as long as he maintains a 2.5 GPA or better. (Or whatever level you feel is appropriate commensurate with his abilities.)

He is 21. Hard as it is, he is responsible for his education and his life, not you. He may need to get throughly sick of living the low-rent life before he makes that move.

I had a good friend whose son came home with a college degree, got a job, didn't like it and moved home. He was jobless and home-bound for the next 8 years, living in a room like a pigsty and crawling in and out of the bedroom window to avoid confrontations.

The problem wasn't resolved until mom died and step-dad offered him three months' rent assistance. He got a job (fast-food, but it's a job) and is in an apartment with his sister.

Regardless of what your son says, he has to leave, even if you must change the locks to achieve it.

It sounds like you may have to ask him to leave and find his own place to live.

However, you asked what else is there, and there is another time-honored parental tactic. The whole time I raised my kids, I used the tactic of ensuring that it was more pleasant and easy for my kids to do things my way rather than theirs. I'm talking about teenagers and kids here, not 21 year olds.

For example, suppose my 16 year old hadn't wanted to look for a summer job. It's a pain to have to force a kid to fill out applications, and you can't force them to do a good job if they're hired. Solution - first, don't give them any money to go to the movies, no money for gas in the car, don't subsidize any fun things they want to do. Next, make them do chores for free at home. Not just unloading the dishwasher, but ordering a truckload of mulch and making them shovel and wheelbarrow it around back and spread it. Any fairly heavy hard work you'd like to have done...in the Georgia summer...when they don't want to get up until later in the day. If you can't find enough unpleasant tasks at home, then make them volunteer to do yard work for an elderly neighbor. Find some way to work it into the conversation that if they were working at a paid job, of course they wouldn't have time to do all that stuff at home for free.

For a 21 year old with an embedded habit of staying at home, you might have to go to extremes. Make your home an uncomfortable place to be. Cut off the cable and internet. No easy to eat food in the house, just salad stuff or things like roasts or whole chickens that have to be cooked. Don't fix his meals, make him fix his own. Eat some meals out with your husband and don't have anything there at home he can eat, so he'll have to buy his own food. Do whichever is most effective - make him pay rent, or make him do a huge chore like paint the outside of the house in exchange for board, or both - a little rent and some big chores done.

Don't present these things as punishment, because they're not. This is what ADULTS do, they pull their own weight. If they can't do it by paying for themselves, then they work, either at a paid job or they barter their labor for a place to live. Decide what you want from him in order for him to continue living there, then present it calmly and in a positive way, i.e. you're an adult and responsible for your own self. Here's what we expect from adults who share our home. If you decide to go that route, look at it as positively as you can. If he's going to work part time and live in your home, there's no reason why you should ever do a chore in your house you don't like, he can do it for you in return for living there. What do you hate to do? Clean the garage? Scrub the bathrooms? Clean the ovens? Well, you've got a ready-made maid, cook and yard man living right there with you, all for free.

Don't let him guilt trip you about destroying his desire to go to community college. Don't get sucked into that discussion. Tell him calmly and positively that every day is a new day, and people can change their lives if they want to. Whenever he complains, just be calm and let him know he has the power to change his life if he wants to. Make sure that if he's working paid part time, that he's also working unpaid part time in your home. Sooner or later he'll catch on that he'd be better off working full time paid than doing 4 or 5 hours of unpaid chores every day.

That tactic will be such a hassle for you to do it effectively. It would be so much easier if he'd just go in the military, or if you could just ask him to leave and support himself somewhere else. But if you decide to let him stay, be pleasant and calm, don't yell and constantly nag, and realize that was your choice to let him stay. Lay out the terms you want in order for him to stay, be consistent, and follow through by enforcing your terms. Don't lay down any terms you're not willing to enforce.

If I could afford it, I'd make drug testing a requirement for staying in my home if I had a kid smoking a lot of pot. Remember that it's your home and you can make any conditions you want in return for him staying - you can make him be up before you leave for work, make him go to counseling, drug testing, etc. As long as you're willing to enforce the terms, you can make them.

You can't afford not to make changes. You don't want to be in this same position 10 years down the road. Whatever you choose is going to be hard, but you have to do something. I'm not saying that to preach at you or slap your hand, but to bolster your confidence and give you faith and encouragement that you're doing the right thing by drawing the line in the sand. I know from being a mom myself that when we have confidence and faith that we're doing the right thing for our kids, we can summon up the courage and strength to do what we need to do.

I hope you find something that works. You're not alone, plenty of people find themselves in this situation. Today is a new day, not just for your son but for you. You have the power to change things, have confidence that you're doing the best thing for your son by drawing the line and not letting him continue down this destructive path. Kudos to your younger son for choosing the military. That's a great choice for a lot of young people.

Hang in there, mom. It's not easy, but you can do it.

If you knew for a fact that your son was smoking pot after work before he comes home would you kick him out of the house no questions asked?

When he knows we are against this.

If you knew for a fact that your son was smoking pot after work before he comes home would you kick him out of the house no questions asked?

I think different parents would answer that question different ways. Some parents would kick their kid out for smoking pot, others wouldn't.

I don't know what I would do if the issue was strictly smoking pot. When I read your posts, what leaps out at me as the biggest problem is that your son is not on a path to becoming self-supporting, responsible, reasonably happy and out of your home. What is keeping him from doing that? Does he have a physical problem, is he depressed, is the problem too much pot?

If my kids were 21 years old, living at home, but going to school (successfully, with good grades and a reasonable major) and working and on a clear, consistent path to independence, and I knew they were smoking some weed, I don't know if I'd ask them to leave or not. I might, because chances are they'd have it stashed somewhere in my house or in a car I owned, and that's not acceptable to me. But I know plenty of parents who know their kids are away at college smoking pot and drinking, and they let it go as long as the kids get decent grades and stay in school.

Also, on this forum we don't know what goes on in people's lives. Your son didn't get this way in a vacuum overnight. I know families where mom is battling cancer that will probably be terminal, caring for grandma with the onset of Alzheimer's, facing bankruptcy and foreclosure, etc. Only you and your husband know if there are special circumstances that led to your son's problems. I know our family had special circumstances - one of us was badly hurt with a long and difficult recovery. It took almost all I had to be the caregiver, and I wasn't a good parent to my youngest child during that time. I was the best parent I could be under the circumstances, but I let a lot of things slide that I wouldn't normally have let go. It would have been very unfair once I was able to become a mom again to expect my youngest to straighten up overnight. So I hesitate to always say kick them out; there might be special circumstances.

So, would I kick my child out simply for smoking pot after work? I don't know. Would I kick my able-bodied, healthy child out at the age of 21 for not being willing to go to school, not being willing to work full time, not being willing to address his issues by going to counseling, and having every appearance of not being self-supporting in the foreseeable future? Yes, I would. For his own sake, and for mine.

It's hard to know what to do. I wish our kids were born with an instruction manual, but they aren't.

Even the shrinks had this nailed decades ago. Not sure they still call it "malingering" but I'm sure they have plenty of euphemisms for you....such as the "reality therapy" idea linked below. No, it's not a joke. Your boy isn't the first instance of this kind of thing. If you've got the money, they've got the time.
Sorry for your trouble. You've got a real slug on your hands there.

Here is a link that might be useful: reality therapy

I skimmed over the link in asolo's post, and it's a great link. I love the Principles section, it is so very true.

If your son's problem is substance abuse, some type of mental illness like bipolar disorder or depression, or there's some physical illness, then you might have to get professional help. But the article asolo listed has so many good points about just dealing with teenage and adult kids who don't have their lives on track.

Reality therapy stresses one major point - people are in control of what they are currently doing in their lives whether or not it is working in their favor toward meeting their basic psychological needs for power, belonging, fun and freedom. And it is through an individual's choices that he or she makes change happen for the better or worse.[7]

That whole Principles section, I saw the best of my kids' teachers use this in their classrooms and it worked so well.

For 21-year-olds who don't want to work or apparently do anything that interferes with their amusements while living on the largesse of others, we used to call it "a kick in the ass" rather than "reality therapy." But who am I to argue with professionals?

I'm satisfied with my original advice, reinforced by OP's latest follow-up posting. Get this kid into the military. He'll play games with anything else. Out of the house and away from mom & dad is where he needs to be.

daisyinga-"For a 21 year old with an embedded habit of staying at home, you might have to go to extremes. Make your home an uncomfortable place to be. Cut off the cable and internet. No easy to eat food in the house, just salad stuff or things like roasts or whole chickens that have to be cooked. Don't fix his meals, make him fix his own. Eat some meals out with your husband and don't have anything there at home he can eat, so he'll have to buy his own food. Do whichever is most effective - make him pay rent, or make him do a huge chore like paint the outside of the house in exchange for board, or both - a little rent and some big chores done."

I wholeheartedly agree. He needs to be made a bit uncomfortable if he is ever going to learn how to take care of himself.

I'd also add that he has only has so much time to *hit or get off the pot. He either needs to pick up another part time job and pay rent, or move into his own place and learn how the 'real world' works.

Do you have any relatives that might put him up (or put up with him) while he figures his life out?!

Even if he isn't willing to get counseling, you might go even if just to learn a few tricks about how to deal with this situation.

Son finally made appt for Feb.1 because otherwise he was going to have to find another place to live asap. He told them his parents were making him go because we thought he was "crazy"
and Dad was upset because he slept all the time. I told him we wanted him to go get counseling because we love him and are concerned he is never happy and life sucks he says. Of course he told us since he is 21 he doesn't have to tell us anything.
He thinks we just want him out of the house which isn't true..I am concerned about him and want to keep an eye on him so I am glad he is here until we can figure something out. Of course his appt is at 8:30 which he hated but knows he had better go.

Something tells me there won't be any happy ending to this one until many years from now.

He thinks we just want him out of the house . . .

I'm sure that's what he's saying. It's a perfect way to instill guilt in his parents. Your worry and fear are very useful to him.

I notice there's nothing in his comments that indicates any acceptance of personal responsibility whatsoever.

Carol

My son and his wife always slept late. My son lost a good job with paid health insurance at one of the largest A/C companies in this country because he was late every day. His 3 children have always had to get them selves up for school, no breakfast, no lunch. It's not a mental disorder it is simply pure laziness. If your son got counseling for depression he probably wouldn't take his meds. You will have to force him to take responsibility for his life or this is the kind of person he will always be. Being on the street may make him realize that.

You might try getting him a very cheap apartment, pay the rent and utilities for 3 months and tell him he takes over at the end of the 3 months. Get it in his name only not yours. No coming back home.

I'm in the same boat... Only mine doesn't work and he has friends in and out all day... I'm afraid of him and he doesn't respect us at all...

So, why don't you try Emma's suggestion. It will be incentive for him to find work, or face being homeless. If you're afraid of him he does not belong in your house.

I hear my sister continuously tell me that I must let my 22 year old fall on his face or his attitude will just get worse. For your son, I understand there is not any work but he must do some chores or enroll in the military. I am about to disconnect my son too. All his friends quit and are married. He is struggling in college now without company. But I gave him money forfood and he burned up 600 dollars in one week! And tonight he told me I missed a lot of classes and may not have good grades. Well, join the military...lolz. I will not have any money now for 3 months, myself. After awhile I have to face my limitations and not jeopardize my own welfare anymore. I am going to school full time and working. If I could join the military, I would. The more I help him, the worse he gets and he is horrible to me ( name calling, yelling, etc.)! You have to let him go and do not give in (me too:)

My 21 year old son was living with my ex husband after high school. He basically lived in the basement for 3 years, smoking pot and not working. I planned on him living with me after the separation but my ex offered him a better deal... No rent, no responsibilities and stay in the old neighborhood. Fast forward 3 years my son is finally with me. He works 2 jobs, 1 full time, 1 part time... And he got these jobs within a week of living with me. Sounds like a success story right? Well he smokes port every day.. Not in my house, he goes out with his new friends. Now after 3 months of work he has called in sick 2.5 days. I am worried that he is starting to go down the old road. The deal is he works, pays rent or he is out. What can do to show him he is starting to fall back? I am worried.

Remind him of the deal. Has he paid rent for the past 3 months (or however long he's been with you)? If not, out he goes. He's an adult; treat him like one.

looks like a 21yr old slouch epidemic going on.
Most if not all of the above posts and comments apply to our son also.
Wits end is an understatement as things stand as of now.

Prodromal symptoms of schizophrenia.

*** IMPORTANT_ PLEASE READ***

Hi there,

Your son s drinking and/or using drugs. I know its hard to accept but these are the symptoms of 2nd stage addiction. Please get him help ASAP.

I have a very similar problem -- my son lives at home, sleeps much of the day away, and does very little to help around the home. Although, he is a sophomore in college and so far has maintained good grades despite what I think is excessive use of weed and not sure what other kinds of partying. He has minimal interest in me, his other family, or doing much except his studying and going out with friends. He is moody and very difficult to talk with about most anything. I am a single mom and I am supporting him through college except that he gets tuition paid because of his good grades so far. He did not live at home his freshman year, now he is home and I am saving money by not having to pay room and board. Yet, I see him in so much of what you all are saying. He contends that he cannot work part time because of his school load, but has made no effort to see if there is any work on campus or anyplace he could work. In the summer he found a short term job, yet put no effort into finding work after that.

Many of the suggestions here are so helpful. I need to make it uncomfortable for him to live here unless he contributes. He seems to have minimal desire to change or make anything of his life. Getting through school seems to be his validation for doing little else. I do not like having to deal with the anger, name calling, put downs against me when I ask him to do chores and contribute to the home. It's difficult. Both my own guilt and he can be surly and very mean.

Looking for more ideas and suggestions. My first attempt will be to require chores for spending money. It will likely not go well. There will be a barrage of insults hurled at me. Yet, I need to make a stand for us both. I have a brother who is still living off of our parents at 50 years old. I do not want this to happen. I want him to make something of his life.

ellabright

Pamelashri, if you are looking for more ideas and suggestions......

My suggestion is not to require chores for spending money. Not for a sophomore in college. Adults pitch in around the house because that's what adults do when they're part of a household. If he gets a part time job or a summer job and doesn't want the spending money he earns for chores, then what will you do?

My only other advice is to make sure you don't make empty threats. Think ahead of time about what type of consequences you are going to enforce. Don't tell him he will have a consequence that you can't or won't follow through on.

It's great your son is doing so well in college. Be sure you tell him you are proud of him for that.

Best of luck to you. I hope you find something that works.

DaisyinGA,

I appreciate your advice. And, I value your comments and recommendations for the other parents on this chat. Thank you very much. You are right, why should I pay him to do tasks/jobs that need doing as a good adult housemate would do? I am now giving my son $75 a month spending money for meals out, lunches on campus while at school and other activities. I also pay for gas, car insurance, cell phone. He asks me to pay for additional activities like trips out of town with friends, concerts, etc.. Most of his friends have jobs. He says he doesn't know where to apply. I have offered to help brainstorm. I have also offered him work at the house (chores that I would hire out) and he doesn't engage. He just wants me to give him money. I feel what I am giving is fair. It seems I just need to hold the line.

It seems to me that the more you enable your children (hand them money) the worse they seem to treat their parents. I say this from witnessing it firsthand. My father, who remarried and had another family, handed money to those children for whatever they wanted, without expecting them to work or do anything to earn money for themselves. We, his first family, were told we must work for everything we wanted. Not surprisingly, we, his first family, are all self supporting and treat Dad with respect. His second family is disrespectful and never calls him unless they want money, and all 4 of them, now over 40 yrs old, have never held a real job. My point is, the biggest favor you can do your children is to teach them to be self supporting and to work for whatever they want. This gives them a sense of self worth that they won't get if they rely on their parents for handouts. Its tough love, but I believe its in both their best interest and their parents. In the long run, your kids will thank you for it.