Here's the thing in my situation ... BM knows the children are with me certain hours of the day its not a hidden fact. So when BM is calling to change times etc. She is calling hubby who she knows is at work because she is calling his work cell phone. So then he has to call me for me to adjust my schedule to "accomodate" her needs. So yes if she is supposed to be here at 3 to pick the kids up ... hubby is still at work I am the one home with them ... I have said it over and over for 2 years.... do not include me in the time change if you're not going to be here then the time needs to reflect when you are going to be home so you can make the exchange. It is finally that way after 2 years. Unless of course BM needs to change the times again. Like if she can't pick them up afterschool for whatever reason. So yes it would make sense for her to directly call me to shift my schedule. But in her thinking "he is the one inconveniencing me" well if you call him at work for everytime you "need" him to adjust the schedule around your wants or be there for the children when you should be then who are you really inconveniencing? besides the children of course? I have even said to her after she was rambling on and on how unaccomodating he is ... that if he got out of work everytime she called to change times he wouldn't have a job he would have to be a SAHD to accomodate you and that her CS would be outrageous. Yes parents should be flexible but when its only one parent doing the flexing that is unfair. I kept repeating to hubby when she would call to change this or that ... when she asks you something ask yourself would she do it for you? then ask her while she is asking you do to for her ask her to do something for you .... exchange answers then if not be firm and say no .... he finally grew a back bone after her saying numerous times "WHY should I do you any favors??" his answers got easier for him as the time went on. He realized she wouldn't do anything that wasn't court ordered..... Asked her for a year to take the kids on a one weekend night one time ... didn't matter when and she could not accomodate ... her answer "take me to court" ok so he goes to court the judge orders every friday and saturday ... 3 months in ... she asks ... do you think he would take the kids on a saturday night???? I'd like to have one saturday night off to go out with friends....I said I know what his answers will be... what do you mean?? well he asked you for a year and your answers were .... "why should I do you any favors? and take me to court" so I could bet money those will be his responses to you for atleast a year. But you are certainly free to ask him. And as far as my SM vision works ... if it had snowed 4 inches at IMA's and her hubby was supposed to pick up his DD come hell or high water if hubby wasn't there getting her BM would have flipped out so don't bother using the snow excuse some people just want everything their way or no way. And are only willing to accomodate themselves and no one else. In Ima's situation BM (SM vision again) is supposed to pick the child up afterschool on a friday but calls most weeks to change the time to 6 pm or later because she doesn't want to drive alone the 2 hours to get her daughter so she waits for the BF to get home from work then makes the 2 hour trek. So pick up daughter at 6 after dinner of course. Then drives 2 hours back home if she stops along the way to visit her other child then its an even longer trip .... who is inconvienced there I would say it was the child 4 hours every weekend in a car. Wow that sounds like a lot of fun. Its common courtesy to be where you are supposed to be when you are supposed to be. Say you took a second job on a friday night knowing your child(ren) were going to NCP's every weekend right from school. But then NCP starts calling well I can't get there til 6 pm do you quit your job? or do you tell NCP too bad I have to be somewhere figure out a way? Or NCP is supposed to take the children to dinner on Wed nights... from 5 to 8 ok great so you decide to take a pottery class or whatever .... "knowing" you have adjusted your schedule around your children. Then NCP starts cancelling. Now you have already paid for the class in full no refunds. Do you tell NCP ok this one time but I am taking a pottery class or do you drop what you are doing to accomodate NCP?

I wish more than anything that I did not to have to speak to her. But if I do not she uses the kids as messengers .... or she will call hubby at work 10 times a day. Because she is not consistent in anything she does. I would get the message 3rd or 4th hand that she was unable to get them.... for instance the bus driver would call and say ... the mom isn't here what do you want me to do with the kids I would have to go meet the bus at a different stop. They take a different bus home when mom picks them up on thursdays. She tells the kids she will pick them up at 3 at 2:30 she is calling hubby at work to tell him she can't make it. So then he has to call me and I have to rearrange my schedule to get the kids... I know big schedule after all I am a SAHSM. So she knows I am available for her to be inconsistent. She arranges drop off and pick up times when hubby is at work so yes they are left in my care. I have said over and over the times need to be adjusted to not include me ... she doesn't want to hear it ... her "whatever" is more immportant than being consistent with her children. She picks them up on sundays and thursdays ... and figures out ways to get out of those days .. I don't have any money, I don't have any food, I don't have any gas, pick an excuse as to why you can't do something and I bet she has used it. Its just easier for me to speak with her directly ... the conversations are short and not sweet. She tries to make excuses to me as to why she can't be with her children and I call her on it. When she does have a "legitimate" excuse to not be with them I tell her immediately well then you can pick them up later, or tomorrow or another time instantly. Hubby would just let it go and not ask her to pick a different time. He would wait for her to call back and change the schedule again. I am quicker on my feet than hubby he is usually under a generator when she calls so he cannot concentrate on what she is saying. Miscommunication between parties has almost stopped. And I do not make any instant decisions I tell her I have to check with hubby first and then get back to her. To me their BM is a glorified babysitter. We have to pay her to be with her children ... what do you call someone you have to pay to be with children? the babysitter.

My SD and her BM had a blow up right before SD started high school last year, and SD stopped going for the EOW visitation she'd had for years. BM did not push her to continue, and she would go a month or two without seeing SD. Typically, the only times SD would suddenly have an interest in going to mom's were days we'd told her she had to stay home and help with chores, ot times she was in trouble for something. We couldn't say no to visitation, so off she would go. By the end of the school year SD was tired us us imposing rules like curfew and other horrible things on her, and threatened she would go live with her mom. We offered to help her pack and said we'd call to have her mom pick her up. That scared her, but we followed through. Much to our shock, the 'loving mom' who always complained she never saw her daughter enough didn't want to have that daughter live with her. In fact, she didn't even want to go back to every other set weekend visitation. Talk about an eye opener for SD - she thought for sure mom would fight to have her. At that point we laid down the 'law' - no more running to mommy when you don't get your way. No more getting to pick and choose when you like your mom enough to see her and when you don't. It's set something we can all plan around and stick to it or nothing. So, SD sees her mom EO Saturday night to Sunday evening. We no longer have the fear of 'I'll just go live with my mom' hanging over our heads, but unfortunately SD also has the knowledge that her mom didn't want her. The sad thing is, its probably the best thing that's happened to our household. SD has become a much more respectful and reasonable teenage girl since she learned she didn't have a trump card. Why do I tell you this long story? Two reasons. One - it's not always a bad thing for kids at this age to see things for what they are. Two - it's not always a good thing to give kids control of visitation as it impacts you as much as it impacts them. Perhaps you suggest your SS and his BM talk about refiguring a schedule that works for them both. It could be eye opening for everyone. . .

I don't think it's out of the question to curb a child's behavior when the behavior is out of line... but I also think that in this case, it's worth thinking about where that line ought to be. And also whether you can adjust your own behavior to help set him up for success a little better. It can be hard for a kid to make the transition between one parent's home and another, even if they've been doing it for years. It can stir up a lot of negative emotions even when the adults are doing all the right things. If one of the adults isn't doing the right thing (like trash-talking the other parent or being erratic about visitation), the kid's negative emotions can get even stronger. It is not an easy thing to deal with, particularly when you're a child and don't have much say in the situation. From what you're describing, he's coming back to you with all these negative emotions, and then you're being chipper at him. I know that for myself, if I am feeling a strong mix of anger, frustration, sadness, guilt, etc., the main thing I want is to be left alone so that I can get out of the bad mood. And if someone comes up to me and is, "Chipper! Chipper! React to what I'm saying!" I will do my best to suppress my reaction because I'm an adult... but what I really want is for them to knock it off and leave me alone. My advice would be to give him his space during the time that you know is going to be difficult. If he's picking fights or is deliberately rude, it should be stopped... but let it go if he's just being curt and not reacting as happily as you want. And for your part, to help him be more successful, don't go out of your way to poke him during that transition time. It may be good news, you may be cheerful and happy, but express it to someone else until he's had time to get back to normal. One more thought: if you do decide to go ahead and have a talk with him, it might be better to not focus on how he's hurting your feelings. If he's basically a good kid, doing that will add an extra layer of guilt and unhappiness into the mix. And if he's being a gremlin, it will give him more ammunition against you. I think it would be better to let him talk about his emotions, know that he's understood, and you/your husband set the standards for behavior without bringing your own feelings into the mix.