Scheduling issue, WWYD?

16 years ago

BM called DH the other day and asked if he could check the calendar and see if we had plans on the 3rd. (It's a Thurs. and it's one of DH's regular days.) It's SS's little sister's bday and BM is having a party.

Ok---in MY mind, asking him to "check the calendar" implies that she is willing to accept the fact that we might have plans and not be able to switch.

As luck would have it, we DO have plans. We have tickets with my dad to a charity holiday night at the zoo. The zoo is decorated w/lights, and we can take the train around and see the lights; Santa will be there for the kids, there's face painting, dinner, etc.

So DH told BM that we did have plans and, of course, she flipped out.

Now I can see both sides here. It IS his little sister's birthday, and I honestly think SS would like to be there. BUT I also know both our kids are excited about this night at the zoo, and I know SS will be sad to miss that.

Am I crazy for thinking BM should plan the bday celebration around her schedule w/SS if she wants him to be there? Dh pointed this out to her, and she said no, she won't do that b/c she ALWAYS celebrates the day of the actual bday.

So--now DH and I both feel like, given the fact that BM pitched a big fit, he really CANNOT give in. But then it's going to be this big issue with SS, I am sure, because BM will go on about how terrible DH is, etc.

Should we give SS the choice? At 7 yrs old, I hate to give him that kind of decision-making power.

The frustrating thing is---DH and I both committed ourselves to REALLY sticking with the schedule and NOT asking BM for favors/switching, etc. It just gets ugly b/c it sets a precedent and leads to expectations. DH and I have committed ourselves to finding a babysitter if something comes up on a night we have SS---and trying as best we can to plan anything we do around when we do/don't have SS.

UGHHHHH. I guess the "mom" part of me feels bad, though, because I DO understand why BM wants SS to be at his little sister's party.

WWYD?

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (12)

justmetoo
16 years ago
She asked DH to check if there where plans, he did and there are. You have real plans, advance purchased one night event tickets and the kids are excited. I don't see how BM can blame Dad for that.

I understand BM always celebrates on the actual day, but you'd think BM could have called much earlier. The schedule is not new neither is the day of her daughter's birthday. By asking if there were already plans, it would seem that when BM placed the call she was still flexible and had no real set plans for the day set in stone yet.

I likely would not give in. BM could have her party the evening before and still make day of special for her daughter. As she called, seemed flexible, was told yes, there are purchased tickets and plans, if SS misses out on birthday party, it will be the doings of BM.

I understand from a mom's viewpoint your torn feelings, but DH has just finally stood up to BM, I'd be afraid of back peddling now.

May I ask what Bm does on years it is SS's birthday and the schedule of the actual day is for SS to be at your home?
lovehadley
Original Author
16 years ago
"May I ask what Bm does on years it is SS's birthday and the schedule of the actual day is for SS to be at your home?"

HAHA. In years past, before they had the court-ordered parenting plan, BM would celebrate a day or two early or a day or two late, depending on who actually had SS for his bday. This kind of blows her argument that she ONLY celebrates on the actual day out the window, huh?

Now that they have a court approved parenting plan, it alternates. This coming year, SS will be with his mom from 9 AM the day BEFRE his birthday until 9 AM on his actual birthday. So she will have to celebrate the night before! And then we have him from 9 AM on his birthday until whenever the schedule goes back to normal.
Related Discussions
WWYD--need advice.
Q
Comments (21)
Such good advice from so many wise women. The school year is such a stressful time for me. Thank you so much. I was ready to call and make an appointment with the principal today for next week to talk about switching my son but now I think I will mull it over this weekend. You have given me a lot of food for thought. I will take time later to try to address you individually but please know that I gave a lot of thought to each of your post. A little more info. The new teacher is under 30 and has taught for 2 yrs in another school but I have heard really good things about him. Also, please know that indeed this is a great school that cares about the kids and I know that a lot of thought was probably put into placing the kids. I have no doubt that they have the best interest of my child in mind. My boys were put together 2 yrs ago for my benefit so that the boys would have the same tests, homework,etc. When they were not together, especially with Ds special needs I thought I would lose it. It was an experiment to put them together but it saved my sanity. Plus with Ds executive function issues, his brother helps me stay on top of a lot of things. He writes down the assignments, brings home study guides, knows when test are, etc. He doesn't mind and doesn't resent it in the least. It's hard to describe how bad Ds executive function issues are....working memory, etc. I know they will have to be separated eventually and if I thought keeping them together was hurting my other son I would not. D does not have any behavioral issues, thank heaven. Except for the occasional meltdown at home. I don't want to unfairly judge the new teacher and not give him a chance. I am just going to think things over and decide what to do on Monday. I just know that I love my son and that things are hard for him under the best of circumstances. I can't afford for him to have any less than the best.
...See More
wwyd: complain or let it be...
Q
Comments (42)
You know what? I don't think you should have your husband do the lifting on this. I think you should do it, by yourself. I agree that you're going to have to put some more money in this to get another cab and have it installed in place of the one that's there now. If it can be done (financially) now, then the sooner the better. If you have to recruit your finances a bit, then do it as soon as you can. It no longer matters who signed off on what - in plain fact it looks like its height is wrong for you and your husband, so it needs to be changed. And if you want it changed, it should be changed, and it will be changed if you decide to do that. Your GC's opinion on this is immaterial. If he's resolutely refusing, he is only trying to bully you. The reason I think you should do this on your own is that you have repeated several times in this thread that you can't do this sort of thing. But, in fact, you can and probably should get some more practice in doing so. STOP repeating your weakness and own your own strength to get it done. Some day the inevitable vagaries of life may hand you dilemmas that you have to sort out on your own, and perhaps in more troubling or exigent circumstances, so it's good to get your sticky-problem solving muscles bulked up. Then keep them in practice by routinely taking on small challenges like telling your GC that you have decided to change the height on both this (and the prep sink cab if you want to go big.). The only reason you need to give is that you want it done. Now I realize that within some marriages there's a style that designates the husband to handle all the messy, sometimes confrontive stuff on a routine basis. And if that's the case, acting by yourself may upset the apple cart. But if, instead you are just involving your husband to avoid hassles, you are cheating yourself out of practice in taking care of problems. And from my own experience, less likely to get what you want done in the exact way you want it, if it must be translated from your brain to your husband's to your GC. I am older than many posters here (60's) but time and having faced crises has taught me that lots of things that I thought "I couldn't do", I actually could do when there was no one else to do them for me. Particularly when my DH was, for health reasons, temporarily unable to do them. And having learned that I could make hard decisions, could ask for, and even demand, that my point of view and wishes be accepted as legitimate, and get what I thought needed to happen done was a very useful life lesson. Easier, by far, to learn this in a kitchen reno than in other more difficult circs. If it helps, think of this as a useful teaching moment for your GC, as well. It's time he recognized that telling adult, female, paying clients that they should just ignore their concerns and "get used ot it", is probably not a good, long-term business model. Good luck - I'm betting you have...
...See More
Child Support issues - wwyd?
Q
Comments (9)
KKNY, she has a savings account but it's not labeled college or retirement and it's very minimal. She was a SAHM until the divorce and only had a few years of enlisted military experience before that. So she had a hard time getting on her feet with a good job etc. From what she was saying at this point she was used to the lack of support as she had to learn to budget without it. Which meant no savings, no activities etc. So now, she can pay the bills but the boys can't do summer activities or possibly fall activities, no summer vacation, no new clothes (second hand), no movie night..you get the drift. Unless her Grandpa steps in, but she doesn't want to ask. I get his problems shouldn't be hers but he is making either choice a problem.The boys will be affected by the activities or not seeing Dad (by Dads choice) Last time this happened the boys kept getting upset with Mom cause Dad kept telling the boys he had no money = Mom's fault. And Ima, I do get it's hard to judge another's financial status. But I do happen to know the guy personally. All 3 of us were in the same unit in the military. After my friend separated (due to having their first child) and he and I would deploy with our unit, I would see him out all the time in strip clubs etc. He was known as a good time charlie and still is. And my friend was married to him lol, she knows how he valued material possesions and having the best of everything. Child support simply was not a priority for him. In this aspect he reminds me of my ex and I do see this coming with Ex. He has been hinting that he's been hit by the economy and can't afford to have DD out for summer visitation if he still pays support. I've offered to pay airfare, but he didn't like that idea. He didn't get up the courage to ask to stop CS, but I know it's coming soon. And like my friend, I do know my Ex's intimate financial details and spending habits. He'd rather take on a $700 car payment for a brand new car than drive around his old paid off car. He likes to buy all the new sneakers that come out right away or buy them at an exorbitant price so he can show that he got them first...weird stuff I know.
...See More
back to my eyelid lift question, WWYD?
Q
Comments (33)
Some years ago, several of my friends recommended an internist, saying he was as caring and available as any doctor could be. I signed up with him and found him to be as advertised. His thoroughness and comprehensive caring were unique. Unfortunately, his office staff members (in an office of 4 docs) were a disaster. Messages not passed along, test results not communicated and sometimes lost, on and on. I mentioned this to him a number of times over the years. He would shake his head, apologize, and say that personnel matters were an ongoing problem. But little was ever done, new hires weren't any better than those they replaced. I reached my limit and switched to a young, bright internist who works at a local medical school practice as part time faculty and part time clinician. It was like going from the Middle Ages to the Modern Era. It's a well oiled machine. I sometimes get test results the same day. I get reminders for appointments by phone and email and leave every appointment with a copy of the doctors notes and items for follow up and all info remains available indefinitely on the website. When I contact them, I get a complete and thoughtful response in a few hours. I've sent my doc emails in the evening with questions and I've sometimes gotten back responses in less than 15 minutes. My new doc is a bit more mindful of time but, I think, is more comprehensive and the med school setting requires her to be more up to date. I see this practice for more than just GP stuff and everyone is the same. And after every appointment, I get an email with a patient survey, asking me to provide them with information that describes my experience and point out what was good and what was bad. There's no excuse for a poorly run practice and no need to be stuck using any doctor who doesn't pay attention to the totality of the patient experience.
...See More
lamom
16 years ago
lovehadley,

I agree with JustMeToo. While I can appreciate wanting to have the party on the actual birthday, sometimes that just doesn't work out. I wouldn't consult ds7, this is a grown up matter really.

Just tell BM that you are already committed with tickets bought in advace to the zoo event. I wouldn't bother suggesting that she move the party date, she'll get the hint and if she wants SS there. Hopefully, she will move her date.

Is it too much to go to the zoo and make an appearance at the party too? Sometimes we do double headers with DS7's schedule, without the political ramifications you face here. Maybe her party can be earlier, that might be a reasonable compromise and SS does both things.
ashley1979
16 years ago
Maybe this sounds callous, but it's not your (collectively you and DH) problem that BM had a baby with another man. Plain and simple. That's HER difficult situation to deal with. She made the situation what it is and she should have to change her schedule to accommodate; not you.

Don't give in. HER daughter's birthday IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

So what if SS whines? How old is sister? Probably not old enough to remember this birthday anyway. Heck, SS probably won't remember he wasn't there anyway.

And what will happen when this new baby is born? You gonna give up more of your time for this one's birthday, too?

I guess I have no sympathy for people that keep popping out kids and everyone else being expected to accommodate them and the new kid or else feel like a dousche. I have this problem at work. I have chosen not to have more children (right now), so I get stuck filling in for the ones that have babies everyother year. Someone has to be there when they are out for doctors appointments and maternity leave. One girl at work had a tubal pregnancy and emergency surgery at the beginning of the year and then got pregnant right after and was out on maternity leave at the end of the year. She was out for an entire quarter of the year!

Her reproduction is not your problem.
imamommy
16 years ago
Change nothing. Stick to the order. You've worked too hard and spent too much money to have a specific order that outlines the days & times and it's terrible that it can't be more flexible but given her history, she isn't willing to be flexible unless it's to her benefit. If you and your DH had a child and wanted SS on her day to celebrate your child's birthday, what do you think she'd say? There's your answer to her question! A big fat NO! (as a mom, I also sympathize with wanting siblings together) but in today's world of having children with more than one father, divorce, shared custody, and stepfamilies, that's just a fact of life that we will miss having a kid on birthdays or holidays... and with a specific written order, we can plan our lives around our time with our kids so she should have considered the order BEFORE she planned a party. (or at the very least, she should have asked before planning it. She just assumed he would say yes and she will try to make him feel guilty for saying no)
sweeby
16 years ago
Agreeing with the others --

Let her celebrate her daughter's birthday a day early so SS can be there. Your night at the zoo activity is special and fun and already bought and paid for.

Plus, you have a court order on your side.
This event will set a precedent. Set the precedent you want to set.
finedreams
16 years ago
under the normal circumstances it is OK to switch days, but you alreday bought tickets plus this woman is crazy. don't change anything.
shannon2356
16 years ago
LH, I think everyone is right, you guys have worked so hard to get this thing "sealed in stone" and your DH does seem to be standing up, so stick to the schedule....Good luck and I hope you guys have a great time at the zoo, sounds like alot of fun!! :)
mom2emall
16 years ago
Do not give into her!! Give this lady and inch and you know she will take a mile! She will start trying to switch all the time if you make any exceptions. Plus you know she would not make exceptions for you. And you really do have plans anyways.

BM can celebrate the b-day on another day. Don't most people have b-day parties on weekends anyways?
justnotmartha
16 years ago
hmmm. If she ALWAYS celebrates b-days on the actual day, couldn't she have asked you about this a year ago? Or at the time the schedule was set asked to ALWAYS have SS on this day? Why is it just coming up now?

Don't cave. Poor planning on her part does not constitute a crisis on yours. This is not a must happen, it's a want to happen. It can be changed.

Sweeby is correct. Set the right precedent.
ceph
16 years ago
This thread has me busting a gut! There's been some great one-liners!
Ashley: "Her reproduction is not your problem."
FD: "...plus this woman is crazy. don't change anything."
Ima: "There's your answer to her question! A big fat NO!"
Justmetoo: "The schedule is not new neither is the day of her daughter's birthday."

Anyhow, I agree with the other posters.
If you feel accommodating, see if it might work to do double-duty (ie: have SS go to BM's for a bit after school to see his sis on her birthday, and then pick him up in the nick of time for the event)
If you are worried BM might mess that up somehow, tell her no. You have a right to have SS on your scheduled days, just as she has a right to have him on her scheduled days.
stepmomof4
16 years ago
My 4 skids just got back from BM's yesterday. While they were there two of the kids had a birthday. We will celebrate their birthdays this weekend. We may call them on the actual day or drop off a birthday balloon, but the schedule is the schedule and you are asking for trouble if you capitulate.

You are doing the right thing.

Scheduling issue, WWYD?

Comments (12)

justmetoo

lovehadley
Original Author

Related Discussions

lamom

ashley1979

imamommy

sweeby

finedreams

shannon2356

mom2emall

justnotmartha

ceph

stepmomof4

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

Scheduling issue, WWYD?

Comments (12)

lovehadleyOriginal Author

Related Discussions

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

lovehadley
Original Author