My fiance and I have had some great, productive talks over the last weeks.

We started couples counseling together at Kids in The Middle. We have had two sessions so far--we're kind of attacking this aggressively and trying to absorb as much info as we can to get our life on track.

The new schedule, which will be court-ordered at a settlement conference next week is as follows: BM has her son every Mon/Tues. We have him every Wed/Thurs. The weekends (Fri after school until Mon morning at school) go on an EOW schedule.

It's a 5-5-2-2 split. Bm has him 5 days, we have him 5, then BM has him 2, we have him 2....and then it starts over.

It's really not bad, and so far seems to be working well. There is always a day or two of transition at our house, but it's not bad. Fiance has really been cracking down on STBSS's behavior--mainly, what has been addressed is him saying hurtful things, and just the general not listening.

I took the kids to the pool the other day b/c STBSS had a half-day at school. STBSS has started this new thing with holding people under water--he did it to my DD a couple times, and then he did it to a little 3 yr old girl playing with them. He doesn't do it for long, but just grabs people from behind around the neck/shoulders and pushes them under. He seemed to think it was really funny. I first took him out and had him sit in a timeout and talked with him about how that's very dangerous and can really hurt someone. Then he continued doing it, so the lifeguard made him get out of the pool, and the pool manager came over and had a talk with him and said they would give him one more chance, and then he would have to leave the pool. I was pretty impressed they said that, and I thought it might mean more coming from them than from me. Well--he did it again-and the lifeguard got him out and that was it. Done. I called fiance and told him what happened, and he actually LEFT WORK, came and picked his son up and took him home. DD and I stayed at the pool.

STBSS was beyond upset that he had to leave...but you know what? That is the first time I've seen my fiance lay down a serious consequence and follow through with it. And my bet is STBSS won't do that stuff again--because leaving the pool made a BIG IMPRESSION.

My fiance was GREAT about it. He told me that counseling is making him realize that he IS working too much, and that he needs to take the time for his son, particularly when issues (good or bad) arise.

My fiance has been handing down small consequences--mostly, taking away game priviliges, tv privliges, etc. And slowly, we are noticing an improvement. STBSS gave me a big hug and kiss before he left for school the other morning--the first in a few weeks! I was so happy and touched! I am watching him all day today, and I took the kids out to breakfast this morning and STBSS was good as gold--great listening, happy, and loving! The kids are working on a craft project now, and have been busy and happy for a hour already...usually, STBSS can't focus on anything for more than a few minutes. But he seems so happy today! He has just been generally more pleasant around the house, kinder to everyone, and just seems calmer in general. I wonder if maybe it's OUR attitude that is changing, and helping his behavior?

The counselor has really stressed that my fiance and myself need to DETACH from BM. We are really working on only accepting the ONE phone call a day. She calls all the time, but the courts say she should only call to talk to her son once per day. My fiance will then get on the line if she wants to talk to him about their son--but he has been really good lately about not letting the conversation turn into a fight, and he has started hanging up on her when she tries to suck him in. She then calls back a bunch and--I AM SO PROUD OF HIM--my fiance doesn't answer again.

The counselor has been very helpful in giving us tools to deal with this situation and to minimize the impact it has on our family life.

We are also working on not reacting to STBSS as much as possible, too. The other day he told me his mom had said something really mean about me, and I said 'oh, that's too bad." Then he asked if I wanted to hear what she said and I told him--per the counselor's advice---"what your mom thinks about me is none of my business."

His eyes got really big but he didn't press the issue at all.

He definitely is the type of child that goes for big reactions--his mom gives them to him ALL the time. Just a couple weeks ago, he got a scratch above his eye at school--came home with an incident report and everything about how he crashed into the fence playing soccer.

Well, then he went to his mom's house and she asked him what happened and he told her my DD did it. So, she called my fiance up hollering about how it's a bunch of BS, etc. In front of her son, nonetheless. My fiance could hear him in the background saying "Mom, I was just joking, I was joking!"

Not sure how she handled it after that--but the counselor's point is really that you just cannot REACT to a 6 year old.

Anyway, I am feeling MUCH BETTER about the wedding. I truly do love my fiance so much and, aside from these issues, we have a great life together with our children. I am feeling pretty confident that if WE change our behavior--if we change OUR reactions to BM, etc--we CAN have a peacful, happy home.