Poor little guy. This is the first 'long' visit he remembers isnt it? I think he will adjust as time goes on, but this first summer where he old enough to really know she's gone and actually miss her sounds like it will be a tough one on him.

It might help if you ask DD to talk to him this weekend. She can explain about her visits to her father on a kid to kid sister to brother level. Yep, she's going to be gone a couple/few weeks during the summer, but she'll miss him and loves him very much too. It's like when she goes for the weekend but summers wil be just a bit longer.

Too bad she can't call him maybe once or twice a week just to say 'hello'. I thought you had gotten a cell phone and your last hearing had allowed a certain amount of calls?

As hard as this first summer will be, it really is just kinda the beginning. His sister is growing up and soom it will be overnights with friends and wanting to hang with GFs instead of little brother. They'll both find many adjustments coming for both of them as the years go by. But there will always be that brother/sister loving bond that a bit of short term distance apart will never break.

Keep marking the days, he'll 'get' the idea pretty soon especially when he sees she really does come home. Maybe he can do something 'special' for sister. Bake some cookies or cupcakes for this weekend to share. He might also enjoy maybe spending a couple days with his grandparents overnight so he can see he too goes away yet comes home and that you all miss him too while he's gone. Besides, that, except maybe doing an activity once in a while maybe just with his dad where you welcome them home afterwards and let them know they were missed and have him tell you all about his 'trip' might help give him a sense of what sister is doing.

Thank you so much JMT! What Great ideas!

This is the only Long visitation ever. She was gone at Christmas but not so long AND he wasn't noticing things yet like he is all of a sudden. The last time she went for Summer, I was pregnant with him.

I did get her a cell phone. We agreed in mediation that it was the best way for her to communicate. It was put in the court order along with summer 2011 visitation schedule. But....... As expected it's turned off and she has not called me ... Until she returns I won't know if she didn't need to call or if they wouldn't let her call. In all honesty I am hoping she just has not needed to call... Because the second suggestion would make me physically sick!

We are abiding by the visitation schedule but not the rest of the order. Must think it's multiple choice or something.

I think it might be a good time to evaluate how we do things. Start teaching him that people leave, people come back, people don't do everything together. I do a lot of 1 on 1 with Dd but when it comes to DS my Dh and I spend a lot of special time with him together when Dd is gone. He is very dependent on needing us, wanting us. I think it's a phase so I haven't just let it be a big deal. I believe him to be my last baby so I take advantage of his wanting to be with me because one day he won't. I probably should explain that I don't do extreme crazy stuff. He has expectations like sleeping in his own bed, picking up his own room, going to the bathroom alone, allowing me privacy when I change etc. That doesn't mean he doesn't sit outside my door and say 'are you done yet?' not yet buddy. 'are you done yet?' not yet. Lol
I sometimes feel like I don't spend enough time with him because I am always go go go for Dd so I'm trying to take advantage of the three of us spending every minute together when not at work/school but it's like he notices she isn't around.

I just feel guilty.

I'm going to have him make her a card and we have some cookies we can bake. That will be so exciting. It's only two more nite nites. And she can come home for a couple days. Thanks again!!

Myfampg, I am sorry you have no contact with DD, I really think it is unacceptable you cannot talk to her, I think it needs to be specified that you have rights to call her even if she does not call you, and cell phone must stay on. Please discuss with your attorney.

As about half-siblings my DD has 3, she is very close to one of them, the other ones are still too young to really relate. When her brother was little, he used to constantly ask my ex why isn't DD here this weekend, why isn't she is not coming tomorrow, why did she leave (like your son does)etc

For some time me and ex lived pretty far from each other and weekly visitations were not possible. What my ex told me he hung a map above his son's bed and marked where DD lives, then explained how long it takes her to come visit so his son understood that DD can come often but not weekly. He also had DD's pic next to his son's bed. And he also got him on the phone to talk to DD. He said his son used to get very angry "why isn't DD here yet???"

They have great relationship even though there is a big age difference. But I think it is sad that children have to go through this: missing their siblings :(

First I'm sorry you have to go through all this ... never thought about them being left behind and the missing each other ... never had to deal with that.

But in regards to no phone contact ... any way to give ultimatums(sp?) like if I don't hear from her on the smaller visitation you will not get the bigger one ...

Can you have your attorney contact them and ask why hasn't she called yet? why isn't the phone on?

See if it were me ... and not sure how belligerent you want to get ... I would send him a text/email/phone call basically saying you have 24 hours for DD to contact me or I will be sending a Police officer to check her welfare... and not sending her the next time since he has already broken the court order put him in contempt.

15 days with no contact is grounds for "abandonment" in my state.

how about giving DD postcards to mail to you while at dad's too ... already addressed and stamped she can write anything and put it in a mailbox ...

Oh gosh pseudo that made my stomach churn '15 days is grounds for abandonment'
Ugh
I don't ever get anything when I make demands. They actually make it worse. And then sit back and laugh that I'm suffering. This is pay back for him being on supervised visits for 3 years and SM not even being allowed near Dd. They want me to see how it feels to be cut off from my child. Well I already know how it feels, this isn't my first rodeo-- this isn't the first time. But he is going to get a reminder of the wall colors at the family visitation center if they don't cut it out. I'm documenting. I'm behaving myself. I'm not 'interferring' with their time. I'm just waiting... Because after a while I'm going to have a huge stack of documentation and I'm taking him back to court and this time I'm not going to be the better person and give in to 'make peace'. This time I'm going for the jugular -- seriously messing with the wrong momma.

We are both ordered to allow contact to the other parent. Dd calls him a lot and he refuses to answer or return the calls. It is his way of saying 'I don't 'have' to talk to her when she isn't with me, neither do you'. I've been putting up with his games for long enough, I almost know exactly what they are doing. Of course I could be wrong and Dd could be completely fine and in no need of contact. But .... This is the kid that calls me when she is with friends or grandparents just to tell me the funny thing that just happened.... So I don't know.

Poor kid. I think you've got some great ideas already for helping him. Maybe your DD could help for another time as well - she could just make quick postcards or something for him to get each morning, maybe?

You should be able to call DD; I agree. What about calling the police for a "welfare check"? I could understand your DD being made to feel so uncomfortable calling you that she wants to limit calls to once or twice a week but this is getting to be way too long for no communication with her.

Myfampg, I hate your ex and his wife. They are such sick people.

If I had no contact with DD for over a week when she was a minor, I would not tolerate that. I would call my attorney, then the police like mattie said "welfare check" and then drive to ex's house. I thought that decision was made that you are allowed to have contacts with DD, however I don't see it is happening. DD might have no need for a contact but that's besides the point, you have rights to hear from your child. I still do not understand how and why this is happening.

Did you call your ex's home phone number to ask to talk to DD and if he denied you, did you document it? Did you leave him a message asking DD to call you and she didn't call, did you document that? Or did you call your attorney to ask him what are you supposed to be doing if a cell phone is off and you cannot reach her? I truly do not comprehend why is this happening? Why did you go to court but nothing changed? Are they violating court order? So when are you going to see your lawyer?

Just reread your post and I see that you are documenting, it is great, i didn't notice it at first. Still I would call my attorney and said that's how many days there was no contact and a phone was off and what are you supposed to be doing next? Also i would call dad's number every few days leaving a message for DD to call back and document that she did not call. Also i would send him an email asking for DD to call you.

For the immediate timeframe, I think Myfam is doing the 'right' thing. She's giving Dad/Sm the time time to hang themselves. If Myfam made a stink too soon, she'd hear, 'oh, she was just going to call you this evening'...even though of course it would be untrue.

Last hearing court was not impressed with SM nor her attitude. I doubt a direct violation of ignoring the 'rules' on the very first prolonged summer visit will work in Dad/SM's favor.

Myfam jumps and squeals too soon she'll have missed the chance to truly prove her point and appear the fair and reasonable one. Yep, crock a ^hit that there has been no contact. Yep, Dad/SM are playing games. But in my opinion it is best to wait these two weeks out. DD is coming home , Myfam will have a chance to tackfully and in a confrontational manner ask her DD the what and why no contact.

If her answer is 1)they would not let me 2) they took my phone away 3) they turned my phone off 4)Dad took my phone to work with him Blah blah...then is the time this weekend to call lawyer, report the violation and ask what the next step advised is.

Hard as it must be, Myfam is the one acting the adult here, the one not playing games, the one truly vested in the child's best interest.

She's waited it out this long, she'll make a couple more days. Calling and requesting would perhaps show a pushy insecure mother trying to interfer too much/soon on this visit. Calling the police on the initial first trial run would take the same chance...they were just going to let her call tonight blah blah.

MyFam must appear and remain the true nongame playing parent here. When she has her 'proof' of defient jerks stubbing their noses at plans/rules/court then she can and will jump on it. Making the move too early could rock the boat.

I have a hunch if DD returns for the next three weeks MyFam's lawyer will have advised her how and what to do if violations continue.

Hang in there Myfam. Yes, it's hard, but remember they are only hurting their selves all on their own and could endanger their chances of future visits and/or length of future visits. Let them be the ones to have to tell the court they thought the court's plan/rules were 'stupid' and they don't want to follow orders. Court disliked them last hearing, now since then you have the school call demand crap, the emails and the phone calls home ignore.

I know she's doing the right thing ... as most of you remember I have been on the other end of the constant contact ... BM is still 6 years later in constant contact with her children .... Now I am at a point I don't care anymore but it was intrusive before.

If it were a 15 minute phone every couple of days I would have been thrilled! :)

myfampg is like on the opposite side of the spectrum compare to pseudo's SK's BM, excessive contact versus no contact, both extremes are meant to cause trouble rather than benefit children.

DS had a rough night. Demanding his sister come home. I giggle just because when they are together. They are fighting or she is bossing him around... Proof that he LoVES it!!
He says 'I miss my sister' in his sleep... It's kind of strange but it's not unusual for him to talk in his sleep, he usually is saying something funny that we don't have any clue about... But the last few days it's been this.

She comes home this weekend just for the weekend. My attorney has advised me not to mention anything at all right away. Let her get home, get situated and maybe Saturday just say, 'I'm so glad you are home, we have missed hearing your voice/seeing your smile'. And see if she says something about the phone. Or I could say 'did you show your dad your new phone, did he think it was cool!!!??'.

When I know the facts or dd's side of the story, I am going to email BD and remind him of the order and let him know I'm giving him 1 week to comply or I'm filing with the parenting coordinator. We have to see a coordinator before filing any motions for contempt. We have to notify of our 'concerns' and notice of contacting facilitator in 'hopes' to get cooperation before actually making an appointment with a coordinator. If he refuses he is in contempt there also. The coordinator was an idea to try to keep us out of court but to have someone that can mediate issues like this and document our attempts at co parenting and the refusal of the same.

I'm doing ok. I had a rough day yesterday but today I'm ok. One more night. But then she will be gone for 3 weeks. I thought I had opted for another weekend in July but it's the weekend after she comes home so I kind of screwed up when looking at the Calendar. Oh well. Can't change it.
JMT thank you thank you for all of that. This is what I have been trying to explain to my family. They want to know why I'm not throwing more of a fit or why I'm 'Ok' with all of this. Im not ok with it I just can't control
It right now. I have to let things happen for a while. My attorney uses the 'hang himself' comments constantly. We have to have something really good in order to get the judges attention.

On a seperate note, not defending them at all, but the last time they had her for this long, (it has actually been 4 years I think somewhere I said 3) I was a little 'out of control' myself. I called every day. I left messages with my obvious annoyance for their behavior. I threw temper tantrums when SM was keeping Dd but I was at home and capable of being the 'caregiver' while BD was at work. By the way, SM was not wife yet, she
was just his 'new girlfriend'. I just was NOT happy about it. It wasn't about sharing it was things he had told me. He said he had broken up with her, she was controlling, he was concerned about her jealousy towards Dd and towards me, she had all these expectations of him and he was 'tired'. She would not allow him to spend alone time with Dd (they're a FAMILY!! He had been with her for maybe 3 months when that started). so he began sneaking around with Dd. He would tell her that I was keeping him from Dd, tell her he was going to work instead, then he would pick up Dd from me, go to park, movies, dinner and then bring her home. Go back and tell girlfriend he had worked all day. He had her believing that he had not seen Dd in 6 months before that summer. So SHE got him an attorney and he files contempt and for full custody. It was pretty embarrassing when he had to tell the judge that yes, I was getting her but not over night for my own reasons not because of myfam. And that was the end of that. Girlfriend/SM put the restraints on him. He wasn't allowed to pick Dd up alone and sometimes not at all, she was the one. He is a beaten down broken man and he went on to marry her.
I'm trying to show them that a lot has changed in 4 years. I have no interest in fighting. All of the fighting is behind me. I have no interest in controlling who picks up Dd or who has her while we work. I know it will always be SM. I tried fighting it in court. For awhile I won. Then they acted as if they had changed. They made promises said all the right things to overturn the orders and get visitation back. So now I just have to accept it and I am. Mostly because Dd really enjoys being with her dad.

Basically I was hoping by being quiet, respectful, not playin games or any of that, they would see that this is important to me and I want it to work. I can understand their game playing because they feel like it's justified but I do not like it and it's about to make me explode. I told DH I am not sending her back on Sunday if I find out Anything has happened to her or if they refused her to call me. He said you can't do that. You have to obey the rules. They break the rules, you break a rule, you're both in trouble. They break the rules but you've done nothing to 'provoke' their behavior and/or fuel them.. Then he is in trouble. You can't keep her from going. You have to let her go and just document.

He has the same points as JMT. They are just jerks.. I have decided that all of this is not my fault though. No matter what I ever did to them, all of SMs control issues stem from BD lying to her all those years ago when they were dating and not even living together because he didn't want to 'obey' her rules of seeing his child. But then he married her so really.. Who is the dumb one??

wow, he had to sneak around to see DD and he lied to SM! I guess same as some women like abusive men some men like abusive women. Otherwise why would he marry such crazy control freak? I can imagine how mad she was when she found out in court. they are both nuts. My SO was married to a abusive crazy person which I have hard time understanding because he is not a submissive push over. How does this happen with people?

your DH has a good point, let her go and document and then follow up with action.

I am NOT standing up for your ex dh or his new wife... BUT... my ss bm pays for him a cell phone. He is 10 as well. He's so irresponsible with it. It's NEVER charged. ALWAYS dead and he leaves it under blankets and just thrown in his room. Could this be the case with your daughter? Again, I'm not standing up for them, just offering a suggestion of what could've happened. Of course, when bm calls my dh on his phone and asks about it my dh just tells her, it's dead and offers to let her talk to him on his phone. We also gave her the phone number to our cell phone that my ds11 and ds8 have at home that they share. It's always charged and sitting on top of our kitchen island. These three... my ds11, ss10 and ds8 are not allowed to leave the house with their cell phones. We've explained that to bm.... it's not fair for ss to be carrying around a phone when those two can't as well. BUT... she could easily leave him a message on his and he could call back. But again, it's always dead.

This weekend is when my ss goes with his mom for the last 7 weeks of summer. My kids will miss him greatly even though they fight constantly. My ss also already said he'll miss them cause they're so much better then his moms new ss.

Can't help but wonder, Mom3, if that's how you'd let your SSS take care of his cell and treat it if it were you/Dad paying for it.

My GS just turned 10 has a cell, has had it for a while. Never loss, never not charged. My DD 11 has a cell. Same story. Both children have been taught to care for their cells. Not much different than caring for their DS/DSi whatever. I think it all lays with how responsible a parent teaches a child to be with possessions.

JMT, we told bm that we didn't agree with him having it yet. He doesn't really need it. He is completely allowed to use the one we keep in the kitchen. BM asked my dh if he'd buy my ss his own and dh told him no, he could use the other one. My ss has NEVER been responsible with electronic things, including ds and dsi, now dsixl. We bought the DSI XL for him for Christmas, it's still in his room, on the floor, open. I tell him all the time that I will not be buying him another one when this one breaks. All of his other ones have broken. All three of my other kids have dsi's that have never stopped working, one has a very old psp that still works. The three older ones all have ipod touches. We bought them for my two and bm bought the one for ss... at Christmas when we bought the dsi xl. Guess who's is broken? That'd be my ss. My kids' are still fully functional and in mint condition. His mom has always tought him it didn't matter what he did to stuff she'd just buy new. That's why when he opened that dsi xl on Christmas, I told him that's the last one he'd be getting at our house, if it breaks he'll have to take it up with his bm. He's very very irresponsible. That's why I wouldn't buy the ipod touch for him.... or a phone. I can only yell so much and I refuse to go in to their room and pick it up for them. That doesn't teach responsibility. She allows him to treat her and the things she buys him this way. If I say something... it'll be that his mom bought it, why does it matter? DH doesn't think he needs it either so he could care less if it's on or charged or not. He lets him talk to her anytime he wants on his (dh) phone.

So glad you spoke with your attorney MyFam --

Just continue to follow his/her advice and breathe deeply... Let them hang themselves if they're so inclined, and let your DD know that you're thinking about her and sending her 'virtual hugs' every day. (Don't do the 'I miss you so much and I'm so sad' because that will make her feel bad -- replace with how happy you are to have her back home and how much you love her.)

Add that the ipod got broken while with bm. And most of the time when my ss goes with her he loses his cell phone or the charger and bm has to end up mailing it to us. Its really not something we should be blamed for. We live in a very well off area and a lot of our friends have a lot of money.... anyway, they've all decided and told their kids no cell phone till they start staying after school for activities. That's my agreement as well. My ds11 will get his own in 7th grade... but that kid is ocd and I guarentee he will take care of it. I just don't think they need them so early.... I do understand why myfampg daughter has to have one. Its court ordered so that's decided... my step son can get ahold of his mother and vice versa anytime they choose. I also don't like that bm choose to text ss at 10 or 1030 at night on a school night. She knows our kids go to bed at 9. My ss shares a room with my ds11 so when she does that it wakes them both up and I get to deal with 2 cranky butts in the morning. She has all night to text him and she chooses to do so when he should be asleep. So when its not charged it really actually helps me out. I get 2 well rested boys.

Well, Mom3, your SS's BM is the mother who lets the kids jump on furniture and turn over couches.

--"She allows him to treat her and the things she buys him this way. If I say something... it'll be that his mom bought it, why does it matter?"--

Would explain his careless attitude, gonna get another one, so why care about this one. Kinda makes it hard on you to teach kid any different when BM underhands the lesson.

My GS has had a bit more trouble at first taking care of cell than DD had at first. DD is a little perfectionist, GS is a 18 months younger than she is. I think the girl vs boy thing plays a bit in it also. Rule at his father's house is it must be charged on night table each evening and Ex DIL has same rule...I think that helps with both being consistant and reinforcing each other. It only took a couple weeks to get GS into the habit. GS has a slide on belt holder for his cell and when he wears pants with no belt he usually hands one of us his cell to carry for the day (depends on who has him that day). Ex DIL will text one of his adults if she's had any trouble reaching GS. DD carries hers in her purse (she's a girly girl) when we go out, and it sits on her vanity in her room when we're home.

Neither child has any doubts the cells will be taken away and/or not replaced if we see any abuse of the privilege of owning one. Luckily with GS's mother, she feels the same. She has GS help save and pay for his items like DSi. He just got some new video game player (x box?) and I know he was telling me Mom took him and his half of the money. He was real pleased with himself. He earned his half by helping set up and clean up from Gpa's auction, putting in the veggie garden and shading and watering the plants until settled in. I think his Stepdad helped him earn some too by letting GS learn to ride the lawn tractor and pulling weeds (their yard is huge). GS tells me it's his weekly job now to help SF tend the lawn when GS is there on each weekend in the summer. GS's SF was hiring the yard work done but I guess ExDIL wanted to give GS the chance have chores and to take on a bit of responsibility.

Your SS sounds irresponsible. I understand he used to live with mom and she is also very irresponsible but since he's been living with dad full time I think dad can start teaching him to be responsible. He is still young. When dad bought DD things, I still told her to take good care of it, I don't care who paid for it. My DD didn't break things but often lost them, not electronics, but still. I tried my best but that's how she is. Sometimes I think i could try harder to teach her be neater, hard to tell, she is very vain when it comes to her appearance (not in a bad sense) but can't care less about things around her.

I do hope ex does not blame me because I don't blame him (although he does forget everything the way she does). LOL

Hes very irresponsponsible.... I'm sure we will get to taking care of things eventually.... not much point in it right before he goes to stay with her for 7 weeks. She would just undo it. We had to concentrate on bigger things when we first got him....like getting his homework done and turned in on time. That was a big one and more important then electronics.... or charging his cell.

Jmt... we are also trying to get him to do chores at home. That's hard as well because she just did everything for him. Simple things like putting laundry in my laundry room. I refuse to pick it up after them. Recently he had had a game on a Friday.... I was gone all weekend... came home on Sunday and did all my laundry. Monday came and he had another game. We couldn't find his uniform. That's because it was under his bed dirty and it wasn't found to be that way till 30 minutes prior to time to be there. It was a good lesson I thought but hes still leaving stuff everywhere. I yell a lot. Lol! My dh says "if you'd just do it we wouldn't have to listen to her" lol!

Myfampg..... in a few weeks I will have to let you know how ds11 and ds8 are doing with ss being gone for so long. I don't think they'll like it. They won't admit it now though. Lol!

I really didn't bring up the cell because I know there are so Many things that could have happened. They do have a house phone and two cell phones and as far as today 6/23. 719pm, there are no missed calls from any of their numbers. I am sure the house line was hit by lightening, the cell phone is dead, BD's cell was dropped in the toilet and SM's got stuck up her a$$. Oh! Did I say that? My bad.

As the day goes on, I'm becoming more irritable.

I didn't want my 10 yr old having a cell phone. This is a court order. Yes it was agreed to in mediation but if they allowed her to use one of their phones, this would never have been an issue.

I have to say, my Dd is very responsible. She has the same electronics in great condition that she got when she was 4. A leapster which they don't even sell anymore, DS is slowly destroying but Dd has had it for 6 yrs. She uses our ipad and is very careful. She carries a netbook (small lap top) for school and it's in perfect condition. She won't even step on rough surfaces in her tap shoes because she knows the taps can get damaged easily. The phone is off. It probably hasn't been on at all. The charger is with her. It's never gone dead, as long as she has had it... Kids are just different. Depends on the role modeling I guess.

"SM's got stuck up her a$$"
hahahaha I actually visualized cell phone sticking up hers...hahah At least you have your sense of humor

On the subject of lightning, my brother's house was hit by lightning last summer while everyone was at home in the evening and every single peace of electronics and appliances were on! Almost EVERYTHING was ruined and had to be replaced. Luckily the house did not burn down.

I was talking to my insurance agent about upping our insurance plan on our town home because of the weather lately. He told me the same thing. If it gets hit do I want a higher or lower deductible if I need to replace our electronics. Hubby is an IT geek and so we have ALOT of electronics for his server and he has lots of 'toys'.

I imagined it too... And I was able to get out of my funk.