Manda,
Be happy for your girl that has a special relationship with her grandma. Eventually the other children will understand--unless you prevent that. Although, your husband should have a heart-to-heart talk with her about slighting the other children--especially if the other children are trying to get her attention or affection.

I imagine what it must feel like for you everytime you go somewhere to see her car in the parking lot, and find her there. You must be a very kind and special person to be able to rise above your feelings/emotions and be able to extend grace and kindness and understanding to her.

If you are able to rise above the feelings and emotions that this situation brings and include her...I would probably try and help her to develop a realtionship with the other children...one on one...which will take time, since it is not happening naturally for her. Perhaps you and your DH could sit down with her and make up a monthly calendar where just she and one of the children have special time together. Each week, it is a different childs turn to have one on one time with Grandma. Her favorite grandchild also getting a turn. Hopefully, she will develop a special relationship with "ALL" of her grandchildren, so that they all come to know and love her, and she comes to know and love them. Explain that you love her and want her to share in the lives of all of your children, but that she may not show outragious favoritism towards only one of your children, because it needlessly causes pain and hurt to your other children, and that it is your job to protect your children from pain as best you can. Compliment her on her good qualities and her interest in helping children, and her ability to share, and teach them many things. Her ability and gift of making a child in this world feel loved and cared for, and blessed by knowing her. Hopefully, she will rise to the occasion and embrace all of her beautiful grandchildren.

I applaud your grace in being able to rise above your feelings and embracing this MIL in spite of it all. Well done.

bnicebkind, thank you for your encouraging words! I seldom feel like "manda full of grace", but thank you. I do try very hard, and I do realize that my family has it pretty darn good and my complaints are few. I know it could be much much worse. But you are right, the sense of dread I feel when I see her somewhere unexpected, can be overwhelming. Thank you for your wise advice. I am certainly going to use it. I really appreciate your help!

You are most welcome! I hope as the years go by that your new family blends into one with lots of love, laughter and joy! Hopefully, these are the growing pains as it evolves into something more comfortable for each of you. I wish you the best!

bumping this up for another poster.

Well, I don't have any great words of wisdom. Probably not anything to make it "right". It will never be right. Favoritism happens in families. I've lived through it. Grandma will not change very much, period. I know how stressful it can be. Time will help lesson the load of it. Acceptance with love is all that you can do. And, let me guess,,,,DH isn't going to do much about it.

I think you are lucky she comes to some of your children's events and gives them presents. Only two of them are her grandchildren, and it may be that she does not pay as much attention to the baby because it is an infant. If your ex-husband's mother gave gifts to your kids, would you expect her to give a gift to the ones who weren't her grandchildren?

otherside, you have to consider that manda and her children are now a part of her son's imiediate family. They will share holidays together. And I have never heard of not giving a baby attention because it is an infant! Everyone makes a fuss over a new baby! Especially grandma! So ex-husband's mother really wouldn't have contact or even know the other children or share holidays with them for that matter. You are comparing apples and oranges.

Maybe she is not a "baby" person, or maybe it is just because it would be more difficult to spend extended one-on-one time with the baby, if it is nursing or just close to its mother. A lot of grandparents (and fathers too, for that matter) don't get really involved with their grandchildren until they are at least toddlers.

I think it is likely that the grandmother does not consider the wife's other children to be part of her immediate family. She is not related to them, and they may be her son's immediate family, but they are not her immediate family.

ummm. perhaps. Never know for sure what makes people tick.

Well I will be the minority here. I can't imagine why or how a "grandmother" can not treat the step grandchildren equally. I can understand a special bond/love with her own GD but for presents and attention when she is in the presence of SGC any caring person would/should treat them equally.

theotherside, you really do not make sense.
She is a baby person as she raised my sd until I married her son. She also has two additional grandkids and has been very involved with them from birth as well.
It's funny how you say "my" children are not her immediate family but my sd is my immediate family and the expectation from me to treat her as such is very evident and goes without say.
Also, no, I don't expect my ex-husband's mother to give presents to my children...but I'm not married to her son, either. That's a confusing and odd statement! As dirtdiva said, we don't share holidays.
Imagine seeing your child's face when they do realize that they've been forgotten by the wayside. Find a decent excuse then.

What if your ex-husband's parents wanted to take your daughter to Disneyworld, or if they gave her a really nice present - wouldn't your stepchild feel just as jealous as your daughter would about the stepchild's grandparents doing the same thing? As little kids, all they care about is that their step sibling got something they didn't from the grandparents - they don't care about the details of the complicated relationships among the adults.

I don't believe I ever implied that I would consider your stepchild to be an immediate family member of yours. I would expect that you would give her a Christmas present (assuming your celebrate Christmas), just as you would if second cousin Bob's 8 year old were living with you for some reason, but I would expect you to leave your meticulously restored corvette to your biological daughter in your will.

My parents were very careful to do for their grandchildren equally, even though we all knew the names of their favorite grandchildren. Yes, there were favorites and that was always because those favorites acted with affection, respect and everything else toward their grandparents. If one were to take notice over time, those childrens' behaviers mirrored the love, affection and respect that their parents had toward their parents. Sometimes a grandparent will have a soft spot in their heart for a particular grandchild--often because of something the grandparent saw or shared with the grandchild.

I just want to add that if a parent notices that their child is not receiving the affection, etc. that they would like, then the parent should start examining the kind of things they say and their attitudes in the home.

Grandparents should not be treated as objects -- Many grandparents skimp and scrape in preparation for birthdays and Xmas--then the concern that someone's feelings will be hurt for this reason or that. It shouldn't be a shock if a grandparent just gives up on gift giving.

It should be a parent's concern that they are being respectful and considerate of their parents and quit worrying that their child is being left behind.